by Geoff Rodkey
It was also helpful that I wasn’t trying to claim Athena owed me $1,000. I didn’t want her money—I just wanted the whole thing to be over. So all I did was argue that nobody won and the bet should be called off.
And when Athena said that was ridiculous, I asked for a show of hands from everybody in the cafeteria.
CARMEN
You were like, “Raise your hand if you think the bet should be off.” And pretty much everybody in the cafeteria raised their hands except for Athena and the Fembots.
Then Athena called us all idiots and stormed out of the room. It was so awesome.
CLAUDIA
It really was. And it would have been a great ending… if it was actually the end of the story.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
CHAPTER 23
I SNATCH DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY
CLAUDIA
After Athena stormed out of the cafeteria, my Blurt nightmare SHOULD have been over.
But then Carmen got something in her eye.
CARMEN
I think it was just an eyelash. So it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Except I just started wearing contact lenses. And when I rubbed my eye, the contact went somewhere weird. Like up in my eyelid or something.
CLAUDIA
Carmen started freaking out. So Parvati and Sophie and I went with her to the girls’ bathroom to help get whatever it was out of her eye. We were all standing at the sink, and Carmen was holding up her eyelid, and Sophie was trying to look under it, and Carmen was going, “Do you see it? WHAT’S IN THERE?”
And then Parvati made a joke.
PARVATI
I said, “Maybe it’s a thumb drive!”
Which, hello? That was funny.
CLAUDIA
No, it wasn’t. There was absolutely NOTHING funny about the Marcel situation.
But I should’ve just ignored Parvati instead of getting mad and telling her to be quiet. Because when I did, Carmen and Sophie realized Parvati and I were keeping some kind of major secret and insisted we absolutely had to tell them what we were talking about.
PARVATI
Can I just say, I would NOT have told them if you hadn’t said it was okay?
CLAUDIA
I did NOT say it was okay! I just didn’t say it WASN’T okay.
Either way, Parvati wound up telling Carmen and Sophie all about what happened at BlurtUp. Including the fact that the Lovefighters were trying to hunt me down.
And Parvati can be very loud.
And because we were in an eyeball-related hurry when we went into the bathroom, none of us had bothered to check under the stalls to see if anybody was inside one of them.
Like, say, a Fembot.
SOPHIE
So we hear a toilet flush, and all of a sudden Meredith Timms is standing there with this huge grin on her face, going, “OHMYGOSH I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!”
CLAUDIA
Up until fifth grade, Meredith Timms was my best friend. But then she turned into a Fembot and completely blew me off, and it was totally devastating.
But that’s a whole other story. I’m only mentioning it here because of what I said to Meredith in the bathroom.
CARMEN
You said something like, “Meredith, this is a VERY sensitive situation that could really hurt me, and if you ever cared AT ALL about our friendship, you would keep this between us and not tell anybody.”
PARVATI
Meredith was all, “Mmmmmm-kay BYEEEEE!” Then she ran out of the bathroom. And BTW, she didn’t wash her hands before she ran out. Which is TOTALLY GROSS!
CLAUDIA
When Meredith ran out of the bathroom, I actually thought for a minute she might keep my secret.
SOPHIE
I don’t know why you thought that. Meredith’s totally gone over to the Dark Side.
CLAUDIA
This is unfortunately true. By the time I got to the hallway where my locker is, Athena and the Fembots were waiting with big, evil grins on their faces.
And Athena said, “Here’s the deal, loser: you have till 4:00pm TODAY to post a Blurt of you calling yourself the most basic idiot who ever lived… or I’ll go on Marcel Mourlot’s Blurt page and tell all the Lovefighters who you are and where you live.”
Then they all cackled like hyenas and went to class.
CARMEN
I can NOT believe how vile they are.
PARVATI
I think they need a new nickname. “Fembots” isn’t NEARLY evil enough.
CLAUDIA
That whole morning in class, it was pretty much impossible to focus on anything except my impending doom. I had to decide whether to completely humiliate myself or let an angry mob of strangers destroy me.
Except when I really thought about it, humiliating myself wasn’t a choice at all. Even if I posted the Blurt, Athena would still be able to bust me with the Lovefighters any time she wanted. Knowing Athena, I figured she’d keep on blackmailing me with that forever. And there was no way I could let her have that kind of power.
So I was going to have to take my chances with the Lovefighters. Since Athena had given me until 4:00pm to post the Blurt, I had some time to try to minimize the damage. It was like having a weather forecast that a hurricane was coming. You can’t stop the hurricane, but at least you can tape up your windows and go hide in the basement.
Which in this case meant deleting all my social media accounts and trying to get rid of every single photo of myself that ever existed online. That way, nobody could find one and Photoshop my head onto dog poop. Ed. Note: (or worse)
So when I got to the cafeteria for lunch, I asked my friends to go through their ClickChat pages and delete any photos they’d posted that had me in them.
CARMEN
I never realized how many of my photos you were in until you asked me to delete them all. It was going to be a TON of work.
PARVATI
It was going to be SO much work! So I was like, “Why can’t you just ask Marcel to tell the Lovefighters to back off? They’ll do anything he says!”
CLAUDIA
As soon as Parvati said that, I realized it was a brilliant idea.
PARVATI
It wasn’t brilliant. I was just being lazy. ’Cause I didn’t want to deal with going through all my ClickChat photos.
CLAUDIA
It wasn’t necessarily easy to get in touch with Marcel. The only email on his Blurt page was for “business,” which didn’t seem right. And I could Direct Message him, but with thirty million followers, he probably got a TON of DMs.
I decided to do both. And since there were only fifteen minutes left in lunch, I had to move fast.
I got out my phone and DM’ed Marcel, then copied the DM and sent it to his business email.
@CLAUDAROO TO @THEREALMARCEL (Blurt Direct Message)
Dear Marcel,
I am the person who hurt your eye at BlurtUp on Saturday.
I am so so very very sorry for this!!!! I wanted to give you a thumb drive with some of my music on it, but I couldn’t get close enough, so I threw it at the stage. I did NOT mean to hit you! Especially in the eye. I just wanted you to hear my music.
I am SO SORRY I scratched your cornea! If you tell me how much the doctor bill was, I will figure out how to pay you back for it.
Also, you may have noticed that a lot of Lovefighters in the comments are trying to figure out who I am so they can destroy me.
I know I kind of deserve it, but I’d really appreciate it if you could ask them to go easy on me. My brother just got attacked last week by a bunch of Bewbees, and it was very scary for my whole family.
I am going to delete my Blurt account in a few hours, so I hope you see this before then!!!
Sorry again! I hope your eye feels better!!!
Sincerely,
Claudia Tapper (@claudaroo)
CARMEN
That was an excellent apology.
CLAUDIA
Thanks. I actually felt
better after I wrote it. But not THAT much better. Because mostly, all I could think about was the angry mob of Lovefighters. I kept checking my Blurt account between classes that afternoon, but I didn’t hear anything back from Marcel.
And as the afternoon went on, I started to think I was insane to believe that Marcel would actually read my DM and save me from his angry Lovemob.
So when Athena walked by my locker after school and said, “Are you going to post the Blurt? Or am I going to send the Lovefighters after your sorry butt?” I told her to wait until 4:00, then check my Blurt page.
Which wasn’t going to exist at 4:00, because I was going to delete it forever as soon as I got home.
But by the time I got there, everything had changed again.
CHAPTER 24
THE FRENCH GUY GETS INVOLVED
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s text—which I got while I was walking down West End Avenue to my apartment—was my first hint that Marcel had gotten my DM.
PARVATI AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
(PARVATI) EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
(CLAUDIA) ????
YOU’RE FAMOUS!!!!!
OMG DONT DELETE YR BLURT PAGE!!!!!!
CLAUDIA
I opened up Blurt, and the first thing I noticed was that I’d just gotten almost 1,000 new followers.
The second thing I noticed was that one of my weeks-old “Windmill” Blurts suddenly had 75,000 Blips.
He also replied to my DM.
@THEREALMARCEL TO @CLAUDAROO (Blurt Direct Message)
THANK U FOR WRITING UR HONESTY IS SO BEAUTIFUL I CAN TELL U HAVE A GREAT SOUL
AND UR SONG WINDMILL IS AMAZING!! I LOVE IT I JUST RBD ONE OF UR BLURTS
MY EYE WILL BE FINE DONT WORRY
ALSO DONT WORRY ABOUT LOVEFIGHTERS THEY ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL AND ONLY WANT HAPPINESS FOR EVERYONE
PARVATI
OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE MARCEL DM’ED YOU!!!!
You should totally print the screenshot and frame it. IN GOLD!!!!
CLAUDIA
The rest of my day—actually, my whole week—was amazingly great. Instead of spending it trying to delete all traces of myself from the Internet before the Lovefighters could destroy me, I got to spend it watching my “Windmill” Blurt hit 2,000,000 Blips and my followers increase to almost 9,000 people.
I also got to watch Athena make a complete fool of herself in Marcel’s comment section.
BLURT COMMENT SECTION
426 comments [load more]
@FlorisDiz this song is great tbh click the link
@NJLoveFighter COOL VID @claudaroo LOVE UR SINGING
@goddessgurrl Ed. Note: Athena LOVEFIGHTERS!!!! @claudaroo IS THE PERSON WHO HIT MARCEL IN THE EYE AT BLURTUP!!!
@luvfitr100 jealous much?
@goddessgurrl ITS TRUE I GO TO SCHOOL WITH HER THAT BLACK/WHITE SKIRT IN THE PIC @FlorisDiz POSTED IS DEF HERS AND TOTALLY BASIC
@NJLoveFighter @goddessgurrl theres no way thats true Marcel just RBd her
@FlorisDiz thats ridic I don’t even no u @goddessgurrl
@goddessgurrl LOVEFIGHTERS WHATS UR PROBLEM @claudaroo IS CLAUDIA TAPPER OF NYC AND SHE HURT MARCEL U NEED TO DESTROY HER!!!!!
@goddessgurrl SHE GOES TO CULVERT PREP AND HER HOME ADDRESS IS 437 WEST END AVENUE NYC
@FormrBlbr what is ur problem @goddessgurrl???? U r sick
@NJLoveFighter yah get off this thread @goddessgurrl u a creepy hater
@MarcelLoveFighter @goddessgurrl u must be jelly cuz @claudaroo is great
@FormrBlbr go back under ur bridge u troll @goddessgurrl
@goddessgurrl YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS
EPILOGUE
CLAUDIA
In case you were wondering if Marcel’s RB’ing me meant that “Windmill” went viral, and millions of people listened to it, and it became a huge hit and launched my career as a famous singer-songwriter… that did not exactly happen.
The Blurt he RB’ed wound up getting millions of Blips, but most of the people who watched it never clicked over to listen to the whole song on MeVid. As of today, about 75,000 people have watched my “Windmill” video.
Which is awesome! I am very, very happy about this. And I am totally grateful to Marcel Mourlot, not just for saving me from certain doom, but for getting the word out about my music. Even though it turns out he RBs about twenty other people and/or companies every day.
The truth is, 75,000 views on MeVid might sound like a lot… but there are SO MANY people on the Internet that it’s not all that amazing. For example, my guitar teacher, Randy, has been putting his own songs on MeVid for years. And his most popular one got TEN TIMES as many views as “Windmill”… and it STILL wasn’t a hit. Ed. Note: THINGS MARCEL HAS RB’D IN LAST 24 HOURS:–baby licking pit bull–man falling off couch–3 singer-songwriters (1 great, 2 ok)–4 comedians (2 funny)–5 energy drink ads (pretty sure he got paid for these)–woman burping national anthem
RANDY
Kid, I am ALL kinds of proud of you. 75,000 views your first time out is an amazing start! But you gotta remember, I racked up 900,000 with “Rusty Heart.” And I’m still teaching 12-year-olds how to play guitar. So you gotta keep it in perspective.
Now go write some more songs that knock everybody’s socks off.
CLAUDIA
I will, Randy. Thanks for believing in me.
While I’m thanking people, I’d also like to give a shout out to my brother for letting me interview him Ed. Note: (+ post embarrassing dog pics) about what was basically the worst experience of his life.
REESE
It was pretty bad for a while there. But eventually, the Bewbees got bored and started hassling somebody else. So it’s fine now. Except I still can’t post any pics of myself on ClickChat, or somebody will turn my face into a dog poop meme in about thirty seconds.
Also, Xander wouldn’t talk to me for a couple days after Mom called Mrs. Billington and told her what happened.
XANDER
Snitchin’ on me wuz WEAK, yo! Mom-a-saurus done come down hard! She took my phone away three whole days!
CLAUDIA
Three days of no phone? After all the trouble you got Reese into? Xander, that is REALLY not harsh. At all.
REESE
Seriously, dude. That’s like the opposite of harsh.
XANDER
It was gonna be a month. But Mom-a-saurus can’t stay mad at her X-Boy. ’Specially after I was all, “Yo, I learned a valuable lesson from this!”
CLAUDIA
Really? This book’s all about valuable lessons. What was yours?
XANDER
CLAUDIA
Thanks, Xander. That’s incredibly helpful. Ed. Note: (sarcasm)
REESE
You know what’s really scary about the Internet? I spend, like, half my life on it. But I have NO CLUE how it even works.
And I kinda feel like Mom and Dad have even less of a clue.
DAD AND MOM (text messages)
(DAD) Nigerian prince just offered me $100K to help him get his money out of the country
(MOM) You realize that’s a scam, right?
Of course I do
I’m not completely stupid
Also the link in the email he sent was broken
OMG PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T CLICK THE LINK Ed. Note: Dad clicked link, got virus, had to buy new laptop + change his credit card numbers
CLAUDIA
That’s a very good point. And definitely scary. I don’t really know how the Internet works, either.
REESE
Maybe we should make a pact to, like, not go online AT ALL until we know how it works.
CLAUDIA
That’s a great idea. Except… if we’re not on the Internet, we can’t google “How does the Internet work?”
So how do we figure out the Internet without the Internet?
REESE
Oh, man… This is going to be hard.
IF YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THE INTERNET WORKS, PLEASE WRITE TO US AT:
CLAUDI
A (AND/OR REESE) TAPPER
c/o LITTLE, BROWN BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS
1290 SIXTH AVENUE
NEW YORK, NY 10104
U.S.A.
THANKS FOR READING!!!
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