by Hazel Kelly
“I’m fine,” she said. “And your father is alive, though the way he’s reacting to my healthy cooking you’d think he’d prefer to be dead.”
“I’m sorry he’s giving you a hard time. You have my full support to poison him will all the veggies you can get him to stomach.”
“Thanks.”
“Were you calling just to check in or-”
“I was calling about a few things actually,” she said.
“Shoot.”
“Well, for one, I was wondering if you’ve patched things up with Simon?”
“No.” I shook my head. “There’s not going to be any patching. Patching is something you do when the thing that needs fixing is actually salvageable.”
“Mmm.”
“Why?”
“His folks have been on to us-”
“What?”
“They called the house.”
“When?”
“Sunday,” she said. “Fortunately, your dad was out in the garage because I haven’t told him yet.”
“Really?”
“He’s just so excited about walking you down the aisle that I feel like he’s going to take it badly-”
“Maybe you should tell him.”
“But the doctor said he shouldn’t even get his heart rate up-”
“Okay, well, you know best.” I ran my hand through my hair and found a knot so I twisted two fingers apart until I could break through it. “What did Simon’s parents say?”
“It was just his Mom. She said you guys had an argument-”
“An argument?”
“And that he’s a mess over it.”
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Carrie?”
“What?”
“Has he been trying to work things out?”
“We didn’t just have an argument, Mom.”
“Why would he tell his mother that’s what happened if it’s not true?”
“I don’t know. Cause he’s a liar? Cause he’s too embarrassed to tell her what really happened?”
“Pardon?”
I sighed. “I don’t want to upset you.”
“I won’t be upset if you don’t want me to be.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Do you promise? Cause I’m really okay.”
“Sure.”
“He was cheating on me.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I mean he was sleeping around.”
Silence.
“Mom?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. Except if his mother calls again, feel free to set her straight because I’m not the one at fault here.”
“Oh dear.”
“It’s fine,” I said, realizing I had to be the strong one for a minute. “It would be worse if I found out he’d been unfaithful after I married him.”
“I definitely can’t tell your father that.”
“I know.”
“He’d kill him.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“And then he’d have to go to jail and we’d both be alone.”
“Mom!”
“Sorry.”
“What the heck?!”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. This is the most terrible news I’ve ever heard.”
“Again, not helping.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I shrugged. “I mean, I’ve been better, but at least business is good.”
“Yeah?”
No. I don’t know why I said that. “Uh-huh.”
“Well that makes me feel a little better.”
“Good.”
“Do you have any handsome clients?”
“Mom, I literally just told you my fiancé was cheating on me. So I really need some time to myself right now and for you to not ask inappropriate questions like that.”
“Is that a no?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Sorry. I was just trying to find a silver lining.”
“Yeah, well, unfortunately my love life isn’t a cloud formation.”
“Mmm.”
I pursed my lips.
“Carrie?”
I reached around and scratched the back of my head. “Yeah?”
“Is your business doing well enough that you could lend us a little money?”
“What?”
“We’ll pay you back as soon as your dad’s on his feet again, but-”
“How much do you need?”
“Just enough to cover some of the hospital bills and new tires for the truck.”
I swallowed.
“I know your dad would go back to work if I told him what we owed, but he’s just starting to enjoy his retirement and-”
“Figure out exactly how much you need, and I’ll get it to you.”
“I feel terrible imposing on you when you have so much else going on-”
“It’s fine.” I have nothing going on. “It’s the least I can do.”
“Alright.”
“I wish you’d told me sooner.”
“I didn’t want to burden you with-”
“You’re not a burden, Mom. I want to help. Just figure out how much you need.”
“Okay.”
“And look after dad.”
“I will.”
“And please don’t talk to Simon’s mom on the phone anymore, okay?”
“She’s as dead to me as he is.”
“Perfect,” I said.
Absolutely freaking perfect.
Chapter 6: Ben
I couldn’t even speak for two days.
It was fucking crazy. I’d never been angrier in my life.
The only good thing about it was the epic session I had with the punching bag as a result.
When I finally hurt all over- when my arms were about to fall off and my abs felt sore just from breathing- I called it quits.
Then I slung a towel around my neck and skipped the showers, desperate for that shock of fresh air that would cling to my sweaty face as I walked home from the gym.
It wasn’t just that my mom had lied. It was the content of the lie itself.
When Nadia cheated on me, I got over it by dwelling on the fact that at least no one would ever betray me like that again. Or take me for such a fool.
And my mom was the last person I ever would’ve suspected.
She was also the first person to show up on my doorstep in London after Nadia broke my heart, the first person to comfort me and tell me the pain was only temporary.
And all the while, she was a no good fucking cheater, too.
The cool evening wind nipped at my ears when I turned the corner, and I felt the wet sweat on my shirt go cold.
Will had no reason to lie to me. None. He wouldn’t make that up. In the last year as I’d finally gotten to know him, I’d lost count of how many times he went out of his way to be respectful about my mom in front of me.
In fact, I bet if I asked him why they didn’t work out years ago, he would’ve said, ‘ask your mother.’
But I guess the lie was a bit too much, even for him.
I couldn’t believe she’d let me think he was the reason our family broke up, the reason I grew up without a dad, when it wasn’t his fault at all.
What’s more, on top of the horror of discovering I’d been so wrong about my mom, I was riddled with guilt over the horrible thoughts I’d had about Will over the years, especially as a teenager.
Back then, when I needed someone to blame, he was first in line. I used his disgusting neglect as an excuse to rationalize every bad decision I ever made.
And the whole time, my mom was pushing my hair around with a spitty thumb and pretending we were both victims, even though she was the reason our home got wrecked.
I could tell by the way Will broke the news that he was long over it, and I suppose I would’ve been, too, if I’d had twenty years to come to terms with the truth.
But I’d had about two days and didn’t feel like I was ever going to
get there.
And whenever part of me would rise up and try to defend her, I’d remember that it was a fucking pool boy. Not some guy she loved before she met my dad, not some guy she thought she had an emotional connection with that was intense enough to confuse her feelings, not even someone her own age.
It was just a horny, brown pool boy who was probably doing nothing but following orders.
Frankly, it all made sense now…
The abrupt divorce, the fact that Will appeared to have no feelings of compassion towards her that I could remember.
It wasn’t that he was cold and distracted. It was cause she was cruel and negligent.
And she’d dragged me through the mud right alongside her.
I pulled the damp towel around my neck and kept my head down when the wind picked up a few blocks from my place. It felt good to feel something besides anger.
Cause I wasn’t an angry person.
That’s why it pissed me off so much when someone did something unkind. Cause it didn’t have to be like that. I was a peacemaker. And here I’d always thought I got that from her.
When I got in the door, Christophe wasn’t home yet. I knew he had a big case at the end of the week, and that suited me just fine cause I wasn’t really in the mood for socializing.
I dumped my gym bag by the laundry so I wouldn’t forget to throw my smelly gear in the washer and went to turn on the shower.
But just as I was about to turn it on, my phone started to ring.
The masochist in me picked it up. “Hi.”
“Hi honey.” Her voice was warm and light, which only enhanced my revulsion. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better, actually.”
“Why? What’s up?”
I could tell her concern was genuine and that she expected I would tell her what was wrong. And why wouldn’t I? After all, I wasn’t the one that had shit to hide. “Will told me the truth.”
“The truth about what?”
I leaned a hip against the counter and crossed an arm over my chest. “The truth about why you got divorced.”
“How did that come up?” she asked, her sugary tone subtly compromised.
“I asked him if he would mind telling me his side of the story.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And he said he wanted to know what your side was.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You know? The side I grew up believing?”
“Yeah.”
“So he told me.”
“What did he say?”
I wrapped one hand around my eyes and squeezed my temples.
“Ben?”
“He told me you fucked a pool boy in Dubai.” I pursed my lips. “When you were there together on business.”
Silence.
“Mom?”
“I don’t know why he told you that.”
“Well, I guess after he realized you let me think the divorce was his fault all these years-”
“You were only little, Ben. I lied to protect you.”
“Were you ever going to tell me the truth?”
She sighed.
“That’s what I thought.”
“I made a mistake, Ben. Everybody makes mistakes.”
“Yeah, I know that. But not everyone fucks the help at a hotel and then lies to their only child about why his dad isn’t in his life for twenty years.”
“I’m sorry.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You’re sorry?”
“Of course I am. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regr-”
“Save it.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Wait- are you sorry about wrecking our family or sorry you didn’t get to finish off the pool boy cause-”
“Don’t speak to me like that.”
“You literally tried to turn me against Will to cover up your mistake.”
“I did what I thought I had to do to keep us together.”
“That’s bullshit. If that’s what you really wanted, it’s your knees you would’ve kept together-”
“Ben!”
“Do I not have a right to my opinion? Cause I think it’s the least I deserve if you have the right to be a homewrecker.”
“I’m not a homewrecker. I made a mistake.”
“That you were never going to come clean about.”
“I didn’t see the point.”
I raised a hand to my head and pulled at my hair. “That’s so selfish.”
“It was a lie I told so you wouldn’t turn against your own mother.”
“No. It was a lie you told to protect yourself.”
“Ben-”
“What about when you came to London?”
“Which time?”
“After I broke up with Nadia.”
“I wanted to be there for you.”
“By acting all high and mighty? By acting like my ex was the scum of the Earth? When you’re no better?”
“It’s not the same-”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not. What you did is so much worse. You were married. With a kid.”
“I know what the situation was.”
“So why did you do it?”
“It was a long time ago.”
“Not good enough.”
“I told you. It was a mistake. I was young and immature.”
I rolled my eyes. “I actually don’t know if I’m more upset about the fact that you lied to me or because of what you are-”
“Ben, honey, you’re overreacting.”
“Then you should be really fucking worried cause this hasn’t even sunken in yet. Honestly, if Will wasn’t getting married again, I might never have even aske-”
“What did you just say?”
“Oh yeah. Will and Ella are getting married. By the way.”
“You’re just saying that to hurt me.”
“I’m not actually, and I don’t believe for a second that it does hurt. Because if you loved either of us, none of this would’ve ever happened, and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
“Are you sure?”
“I helped him pick the ring and everything.”
“What?!”
“And you know what? I’m not sure if there’s a genuinely kind bone in your body, but if there is, I hope you’ll find it inside yourself to be happy for him, cause he deserves to be happy after what you did to him.”
“Ben-”
“After what you did to us.”
And then I hung up.
Chapter 7: Carrie
I wired a thousand dollars to my mom and then tossed and turned all night, worrying about whether it was enough and if I should’ve sent more.
When I woke up, I was in severe need of some sugar, but the only two croissants left looked like they’d be liable to chip my teeth based on the sound they made when I tapped them on the counter. So I decided I’d have to grab something on the way and did my best to ignore the aggressive growl in my belly as I got ready for work.
It seemed weird to me that while my life had changed so much, my morning routine had changed so little.
After all, I was used to waking up alone. Simon spent the night away almost every other night because of his job. Or at least, I still wanted to believe it was his job’s fault that his side of the bed had so often been cold.
And as far as getting ready for work- rubbing my favorite liquid blush into the apples of my cheeks and lining the upper rim of my eyes- it was all the same.
I felt like Dorian Gray, like there must be a picture of me somewhere that gave away the true bluish gray of my skin and soul despite my parading around as if I were still the optimistic twenty something on the verge of personal and professional success that I believed I was just a few weeks ago.
And everyone I passed on the way to work appeared much the same, too- no less interesting or loveable than before.
Of course, I had to assume we were all still worried about the same things: money, love, whether our mental states
were poorer or on par with everyone else’s, money, getting fat, whether today was the day we were going to be found out for being talentless losers, money…
Not that any of the faces in the crowd cared what the hell was going on behind my lightly powdered forehead.
And I couldn’t blame them. I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t curious what battles they were fighting. I’m sure I would’ve been able to find tragedy and joy in every one of their stories if I heard them.
I just didn’t have the energy. I could barely keep from letting my own troubles swallow me up.
But as I tried not to bump into anyone on my way to work so I wouldn’t be forced into unplanned eye contact, I found myself wondering how many of my fellow commuters had considered just staying in bed that morning.
Like I had.
Fortunately, I knew there was at least one person that would be glad I got up.
“Top of the morning, my dear.”
“Hi Woody,” I said, veering to the inside of the sidewalk. “How are you today?”
He shrugged. “Don’t know yet. Haven’t really woken up.”
“Then you’ll be pleased to know I got you a little pick me up.” I turned the cardboard drinks tray I was carrying so he’d be sure to grab the coffee with extra cream and sugar.
He raised his eyebrows. “Shit, Carrie. You know how I feel about Dunkin Donuts coffee.”
I smiled. “You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”
He pulled his cup from the tray. “You’re too kind.”
“I got you a donut, too,” I said, balancing the paper bag on the tray where his coffee had been. “Your choices are vanilla long john or double chocolate glazed.”
He laughed.
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“I could tell just by your tone of voice that you have your heart set on the chocolate one.”
I pursed my lips.
“But don’t worry. I love me some long john.”
I nodded towards the bag.
He opened it and pulled out his frosted breakfast.
With my purse hanging on my elbow, I reached in after him and pulled the chocolate donut out, figuring I might as well enjoy it in Woody’s company.
After all, I was a business owner. It was about time I started acting like one. Plus, it really pissed me off when I got to the office before Nora cause it meant I’d have to acknowledge the fact that she was late. Again.
“Would you believe that’s not all I have for you?” I asked between bites.