by Neeraj Chand
Nitin grinned as well, and then started walking towards Parul. Now that the chase was over he felt confident. Talking to girls was a specialty of his. He was making his way towards the house, rehearsing some opening lines and jokes. But then he stopped abruptly, staring. Neel and Aryan watched in stunned silence as well.
A boy had walked over to Parul. She turned and smiled at him. They were talking, standing far too close together. Then the boy reached out and held her hand. It was definitely not a brotherly clasp, and it was all too easy to understand the scene enfolding before them. The boy turned slightly, and his face was finally visible. It was the guy who had been sitting directly behind their table at the food court when Parul had smiled in their direction.
A car came out of the house and down the road in their direction. Nitin recognized it as the car that took picked up Parul from tuitions every day. Suddenly it slowed, and Parul"s friend from the mall stuck her head out of the window and stared at them in surprise.
“Did you follow us all the way from the mall?” s he asked Nitin in amazement. She twisted her head to see Parul still talking to the boy, then turned to look at Nitin. “That"s Nitin, Parul"s boyfriend.” she told him. He was too dazedto be surprised. “He was with his family at the food court, but he texted her that he wanted to meet her in private later. He proposed to her in the tempo, and she accepted. Now they"re going to the park together. That"s why she"s sending me home.” She gazed at him pityingly for a moment. “I"m sorry.” she said sympathetically, leaning back inside the window. The car moved on down the road.
There was a long silence. Neel was still staring dazedly as Parul and the other Nitin walked away, hand in hand.
He turned to stare at the other two, his emotions too deep for words. They stared back sympathetically.
“I"m sorry, man.” Aryan said, placing a hand around his shoulder.“I really didn"t see this coming.”
“You did all you could.” Neel added bracingly. “It just wasn"t meant to be. You"ll find someone else, dude. You always do.” They turned away from Parul"s house and walked slowly down the road, Neel and Aryan keeping a respectfully somber silence. They looked at each other for a moment and almost burst out laughing. But Nitin was still looking crushed. It would be some time before they could make jokes about this incident. The crisp air stung their faces, and light sunlight filtered through giant fluffy clouds. Despite feeling bad for Nitin, Neel could not hold back his own happiness. There was a joyous pounding in his heart. He felt as though it had been years since he had been out of doors. For the first time in several weeks he felt completely alive.
The trip had been a bitter disappointment for Nitin. But not for Neel. It had served to prove something vitally important to him that he had suspected already. He had run all over the city for hours across heavy traffic, on foot and in all kinds of vehicles, but he had not felt any symptoms of his condition once. He was finally cured.
* * *
“And then I didn"t feel anything strange all day.” Neel finished and looked sideways at Doctor Fahim, who stared dispassionately into the distance. It was two days since the chase across the city with Nitin and Aryan. Neel had told Doctor Fahim yesterday about the whole journey with barely suppressed excitement. But the doctor had been less enthusiastic. Neel had insisted that he was much better now, as that day had proved.
The weather for the last few days had continued to be unusually pleasant, raising Neel"s spirits even more. Doctor Fahim had invited him for a stroll outside in the fresh breeze instead of staying in the office, where they had been spending too much time these days. The two now walked slowly down the lobby and out of the main building.
Neel continued talking. He knew Doctor Fahim would not be convinced easily. And it was imperative that he should be, because Neel also had a request to make of him. “I want to go after Mehta again, sir.” Neel said. Doctor Fahim did not say anything, but continued to walk in silence beside him. “I know I made mistakes last time. But I"ve really learned from it all. I won"t underestimate him again.”
“You need to concentrate on your health, Neel.” Doctor Fahim said finally. The two had emerged from the building and were heading in the direction of the gym hall.“Your focus should be on getting better.”
“But I ambetter.” Neel said earnestly. “I told you. I was travelling in a tempo. I was walking around in traffic. There were cars and trucks all around me. We even passed by the spot where I"d had the accident. And I didn"t feel scared or dizzy or anything.
“ Your mind was completely absorbed in the urgent and exciting matter concerning your friends.” DoctorFahim said. “Often, distraction is the best way to avoid mental worries. But that does not mean you are cured. Is it not possible that you are merely trying to convince yourself that you are better, even though you are not sure yourself?” The piercing eyes studied him shrewdly.
“But I reallydo feel better now, sir.” Neel persisted. “I"ve been feeling that way for a while now. The first few days, I know it was pretty bad. But now the nightmares have stopped. I can fall asleep now. I don"t feel depressed all the time, or suic-, or angry or anything.” Neel said, avoiding the word at the last moment.
“That is well.” Doctor Fahim said gravely as the two walked slowly towards the open field. “But don"t you think it might be too soon to be completely certain?” “We don"t have time, sir.” Neel said. “Mehta must know I was wounded and messed up pretty bad. And he"s still going to do whatever he"s planning. I need to go after him and stop him.”
“Only when you are ready.”
“I am ready.” Neel said, his voice rising with a slightlydesperate edge to it. “I"m completely fine now. I just want a chance. I want to prove that”
The loud squeal of tires broke through the silence of the area as a car appeared from around the corner of the hall. It was heading directly for them at full speed. Neel couldn"t move. He couldn"t even breathe. His legs were shaking so badly that his whole body was trembling. His hands had curled into fists, and his nails were digging into his palms as his heart threatened to burst. All he could do was watch as the monster roared towards him. He was flying off his cycle and into the air. He was watching his blood splatter on the road. He was feeling crippling, unbearable pain…
Five feet away from them, the car stopped. Neel saw Arjun sitting in the driver seat and watching him narrowly. “This was just a test.” He heard DoctorFahim"s voice as though from a great distance. “You were in a completely safe environment, and yet your response is evident. Do you still think you are cured, Neel?…Neel?”
Arjun got out of the car and sprinted towards the young boy. Neel had dropped slowly to the ground, his body completely rigid. The nightmare flashes of memory had been worse than ever before, and his entire body was shaking.
“You"re going to be fine, Neel.” He heard Arjun say as he was lifted off the ground. “It was just a test. You"re going to be fine.”
Half an hour later, Neel sat on a mattress in the giant hall, sucking on a solution of glucose through a straw. Doctor Fahim and Arjun stood watching him. “I am truly sorry, Neel.” DoctorFahim said quietly. “But you were so completely convinced that you had recovered. We had to make you see that there is still a long way to go. PTSD is not a minor mental problem that can be shaken off in a few days. It can take months, or even years. And even then there is no guarantee.” Neel did not say anything, but continued to suck on his drink quietly, his eyes blank.
“This i s just a temporary setback.” Arjun said abruptly. “I hated doing this to you, but you needed a warning. There is room for improvement, but you are on the right path. You just need to keep at it and practice hard, like all those exercises you learned with us.”
But it was not just like the exercises, and he was not going to be fine. He had been deluding himself all along. Neel realized then, his mind too numb to even care at the moment, that he was never going to be fine again.
CHAPTER 14: Broken
“This is very disappointing.” Mr. Rai said h
eavily, staring down at the table in front of him. Mr. Rai, General Bakshi and Doctor Fahim sat in the doctor"s office at Swan labs. DoctorFahim had just finished telling the other two about Neel"s response to their test the day before.
“So there is no progress?” Mr. Rai asked. “He"s gotten worse.” DoctorFahim said quietly. “This was the second time that he had gotten overconfident in his abilities, and the attack hit him worse than ever. And now whatever strength he once had to fighthas been crushed.”
There was a long silence in the room. General Bakshi was staring at the doctor, his face unreadable. “What would you say are the chancesof recovery for the boy?”
“Very little.” DoctorFahim said quietly. “Due to a number of factors.” He studied the other two men closely, waiting to tell them the gravest news of all. The G eneral sighed, leaning back in his chair. “Then he will have to be removed from the project.” He stared broodingly ahead. “All that time and money wasted. We will have to begin again. And find a way to deal with Dervin"s involvement in this matter as well.”
“I"m afraid that is not all, General.” Doctor Fahim said somberly.
His voice broughtthe other two men"s out of their separate musings. They looked at him with a feeling of foreboding as the General spoke. “What else can go wrong now?”
“I have been conducting some private researches into Neel"s accident in the last few days.” Doctor Fahim said.
“Why? We know what"s wrong with him.” “Not entirely.” DoctorFahim said. “My tests were of a biological rather than psychological nature. I examined the blood and skin samples we had collected the night Neel was shot. I have also conducted some other tests on him in my office since.”
“Once again, doctor, you fall into the error of supposing we care about your experiments.” The General growled. “Just tell us what you found.”
“There is a very significant lowering in secretion of Cortisolin Neel"s body as a result of the ingestion of the serum.” Doctor Fahim said quietly.
“And that means?” The Minister"s brow was furrowed.
“Cortisol,” DoctorFahim said. “Is a hormone responsible for stress management in our bodies. Low production of Cortisol isfound to be responsible for most PTSD cases.” The two men sat frozen, staring at Doctor Fahim in shock.
“Which means that there is a physiological reason behindNeel"s current condition.” Doctor Fahim continued.
“This is a mistake.” The General muttered. He rose from his seat and began to move around agitatedly. “This has gotto be a mistake.” “M y tests were conclusive.” DoctorFahim said. “It would explain why Neel did not feel the effects of PTSD for some time after the accident. The effect of the hormone"s reduced secretionwas slow but steady.”
“Perhaps this is an isolated case.” The General said, his eyes urgent. “You yourself said the effects on children are different from the effects on adults. Perhaps”
“Not like this, General.” Doctor Fahim said. He shook his head slowly and with an air of finality. “Not like this.”
Suddenly the General glared at him. “This is your fault, Doctor Fahim! You were supposed to make sure this serum was adapted for humans.” “And I also told you that no experiment is considered complete until its effects have been tested in the real world.” DoctorFahim replied evenly. “Which is why the serum was intended for a test subject first. I admit this is disastrous news, but I tried to warn you and Mr. Rai from the start that this whole exercise was still part of anexperiment.”
“So,” Mr. Rai"s voice was very quiet. “So that means…” “T he same effect will take place on any other soldiers who usesthe serum.” Doctor Fahim said heavily.“They will also have a dangerously high susceptibility to PTSD. The more missions they go on, the more their condition would worsen, and the more unstable they would become.” There was a long silence in the room. “I"m sorry.” Doctor Fahim said quietly.
“Perhaps… perhaps” Doctor Fahim could see the General struggling with the staggering news. This was not an unpleasant situation that could be shouted away, or an enemy that could be beaten into submission. They were dealing with cold hardfacts. “There has to be a way.” But the doctor shook his head.
The G eneral"s shoulders slumped. Doctor Fahim had never seen him look so crushed. For the first time in his career, he seemed to haveaccepted defeat. “Then it"s over. Project Alpha is a failure.”
“I am very sorry, General.” Doctor Fahim repeated quietly. The General was not looking at him. He was staring at the wall opposite. So many hopes and ambitions dashed to the ground…
“As soon as the boy is cured,” he spoke up slowly. “This whole facility will be shut down. Thank you, doctor, for your help to the army.” The General turned and walked out of the room without looking back. Doctor Fahim and Mr. Rai were left looking at each other, their hearts too heavy for speech.
* * * Three days after the car incident at Swan Labs, Neel sat with Aryan and Priyanka in her house. It was Priyanka"s birthday. There was going to be a party later, and they had already given her a purse and a salwar as presents.
They were talking and eating their way through siwayin that Mrs. Das had made. Neel was trying to relax, but his mind was threatening to fall into the same pattern that it had been in for days.
“I"m not going to school by cycleanymore.” Neel spoke up suddenly.
Aryan looked at him in surprise.“Why not?” Neel shrugged, avoiding his gaze . “Makes me feel tired. Maybe because of the injury, I don"t know. But I"ll take the tempo from Bhar roadfrom now on.” He did not add that the fear of roads and cars and even his cycle was growing inside him steadily, so that the thought of cycling near a carmade him feel ill. Suppose he was to fall off… Suppose a car was to crash into him…
“What"s going on?” Aryan asked him abruptly.
“What do you mean?” Neel finally looked up at him.
“You"ve been acting really strange for a longtime, Neel.” Priyanka said quietly. “And we hardly eversee you in the evenings these days.”
“I"m fine.” Neel said, still not looking up from his plate. “Just tired out. Injury.”
“How long could that injury affect you?” Aryan asked him impatiently. “You look fine.”
“But I don"t feelfine!” Neel snapped, finally looking up with a frown on his forehead. For some reason he felt unaccountably angry at the moment. “I don"t feel well enough to cycle. What"s so hard to understand about that?”
“There"s no need to get angry.” Priyanka said in a placatory tone. “Then stop asking me stupid questionsabout things that aren"t your business.” Neel said irritably. Priyanka looked like he had slapped her. He could not believe what he had said, but he felt still too angry to care.
“There"s no need to act like an idiot.” Aryan said, his own temper rising.“She"s just concerned about you. We all are.” “I don"t need yourconcern, all right?” Neel said angrily. “I know I"m just a big crybaby to you two, but I can handle my problems on my own. If I were to tell you” He stopped abruptly.
“Tell us what?” Priyanka asked.
“Nothing.”
“Neel-” “Look, just drop it, all right?” He was almost shouting. He got up abruptly and stood frowning at them, breathing hard. “I don"t feel well.” He said through gritted teeth, fighting to calm himself down. “I"m going home. Happy birthday.”
He strode out of the house and into his own. His mother sat reading the paper in the kitchen.
“I have a headache.” he said to herabruptly. “I"ve already wished Priyanka. Is it okay if I lie down in my room?”
His mother looked surprised. “Fine, but if you really feel sick, I-” “I"ll be fine.” He turned away before she could finish. He made his way up the stairs quickly and entered his room. Locking the door behind him, he turned off the lights and went to sit on the floor in the darkest corner of the room, alone with his thoughts.
That night he had the nightmares again. A car was coming towards. He could not see it clearly.
It seemed just on the edge of his vision. But he knew it was after him. He was completely helpless to stop it, or to run away. He stood frozen, knowing it was only seconds away. His heart was hammering painfully, and he felt suffocated as he waited for the end.
Suddenly the scene changed. He was lying on the floor, screaming. Blood was everywhere and pain consumed him. The giant, metal monster was somewhere nearby, lying in wait for him again.
He kicked involuntarily, and woke abruptly from the sudden jerk. He sat up in his head, sweating and pale. Wearily,he took off the earphones he"d been wearing. He breathed heavily as he stared at the shaft of moonlight falling on his bed, blinking away the wetness in his eyes. Months of therapy, and he was no better. He felt exhausted just from having a bad dream! How could he have been so deeply affected by that accident? And why was it so hard for him to move on from it? He felt like screaming in frustration.
Suddenly his stomach growled. He had eaten very little that night, and his mother had been at Priyanka"s party. Now he felt he would not be able to get any sleep until he had eaten something first.
He made his way quietly downstairs to the fridge, and peered inside it. There was last night"s vegetable stew, and other odds and ends that did not look particularly appetizing. He spotted a bottle of flavored milk at the back, and remembered someone telling him a glass of warm milk was ideal for getting to sleep.
He took out the bottle and uncorked it. He felt too drained to go through heating it, and took a deep draught. The sweet but ice cold liquid rolled chillingly into his stomach, and he placed the bottle on the table. But his hands were still shaking, and the bottle tumbled forwards, crashing to the floor and breaking with a shattering sound that seemed ear splitting to him.
Neel felt a sudden and inexplicably powerful wave of panic. He seized a rag from the kitchen table and bent over the floor, rubbing feverishly at the mess. He did not really know what he was doing, but his speed never slowed as his hand moved rapidly over the floor.