by Rachel Lee
“Tell me.” So it wasn’t all about illicit feelings of desire. He didn’t know whether to be relieved.
She hesitated while he set the casserole dish on the counter and put the stool away. “I didn’t trust you. Too many secrets. And then I wanted you, and I felt guilty. Did I upset you by telling you that?”
He faced her squarely. “Truth is always welcome in my life.” A rare commodity, if he were to be honest. “No, you didn’t upset me. Why should you trust me? But you shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“But I hate that you know things about Johnny I can never know.”
Ouch. His mind raced, seeking adequate words to give her. There were none. There would never be any. “I can’t tell you,” he said finally.
“I know. But why do I think there are things I wouldn’t want to know even if you could?”
“Because you’re probably right,” he said brutally. “What we did...what we sometimes had to do...you don’t need to know about it.”
She nodded, drawing a shaky breath. “I suspected. I didn’t want to think about it, but I suspected. Someone has to do the world’s dirty work.”
Then she left the kitchen. He found her a few minutes later in the living room with her feet up, staring into space.
Before he could sit or speak a single word, she began to talk. “Johnny had trouble with it sometimes. I could tell. Nightmares, mostly. Sometimes he’d just withdraw and not even want to be touched. It didn’t happen often, but I could sense...changes. But it always passed quickly and then he’d be the old Johnny again.” She turned her head toward him. “Every time he came back, I could feel that he’d changed some more. Life changes us all over time, but this was...different.”
“It worried you?”
“Not exactly. It troubled me. Since he was killed, all I could remember were the good things. But they weren’t always good, Ryker. God, I loved him, but I sometimes wondered what he was becoming.”
He knew exactly what she meant. He could reach back in his own mind and remember a young man who didn’t carry so many dark secrets and stains on his soul. John had picked up those stains, too, and like acid they sometimes ate away at the soul.
He wished he knew what to tell her. He finally settled on, “Remember the good things, Marisa.” Desperation struck him then. He didn’t know where this was going, didn’t know if he should clear out before it went any further. Wanting this woman wasn’t enough. The question was if he had enough to give her.
When he saw her eyelids drooping again, he took advantage of it. “Take a nap. I’m going out for another run.”
“Okay,” she said drowsily. Then, “What are you running from, Ryker?”
He froze, but she was already asleep. He grabbed his jacket and left. What was he running from? Marisa Hayes and a future he didn’t believe he had a right to.
Wasn’t that enough?
Chapter Six
Ryker was doing laundry for Marisa. Much to her amazement, he not only knew how to do it, but he folded it beautifully. She’d let it go until she was down to her last clean underwear, and while it made her flush a little to think of him handling her intimate apparel, she had to admit she appreciated the help. Lately she’d been getting tired more often and napping more often, and the laundry looked like a daunting task.
It was Saturday morning, the day after Ryker had moved in, when Julie showed up unannounced.
“You need a change of scenery,” Julie said. “We’re going to my place, where I’m going to ply you with conversation and sinful food.” She paused. “Is that Ryker in the basement? I saw his car out front.”
“I asked him to move in. It was rude of me to keep him at the motel. Anyway, he’s doing my laundry.” She pointed to the basket on the floor beside the couch.
“You found a man who does laundry? Oh, be still, my beating heart!”
Marisa laughed.
“Just a sec.” Julie went to the head of the stairs and called down. “Ryker?”
“Yo.”
“I’m taking Marisa to my place for a change of scene.”
“Go for it,” came the answer. “When I’m through washing her stuff, I’m going to get to my own. She needs some time out of here.”
“Don’t I know it. Back in a few hours.”
Ryker had freshly salted the porch and sidewalk, so the trip to Julie’s car was safe enough. When they were inside, the engine running and the heater blowing, Julie asked, “Need to pick up anything while we’re out?”
“I don’t know. The guy moved in yesterday, he went grocery shopping, and I’m not even sure what he got, and he bought us dinner last night.”
“Okay then.” Julie smiled. “We’ll call him before we come back to see if he needs anything. First, let’s get to my place.”
Julie had taken a ground floor apartment in one of the relatively new complexes that had been built during the brief boom of the semiconductor plant. The plant now sat sadly empty, the jobs had gone away, but the apartments remained.
She had a cheerful place, full of bright colors, impeccably clean except for stacks of papers and books on her coffee table and small desk from her teaching. She brewed a pot of tea after Marisa settled on an armchair, and brought it with some shortbread cookies.
“Now, dish,” she said, her favorite line. “What did the doc say, and what is Ryker up to?”
“The doc says I’m nearly due.”
Julie clattered the teapot as she put it down. “What?”
“You heard me. He thinks I got pregnant before my last period.”
Julie sat down slowly. “Wow. Is that possible?”
“He says sometimes women have a light period when they first become pregnant. Well, it was light. And he added that he’d suspected when I first came to see him that I was farther along. I thought two months, he thought three. But he didn’t say anything, because as he put it, it’s hard to be sure. But now he thinks I’m getting pretty close.”
Julie laughed. “Imagine the other girls dying of envy. Especially Connie. Her pregnancies always lasted ten months.”
Marisa had to laugh, too. “I’d forgotten. Anyway, he said it’s far from an exact science, that nine months is an approximation, but...he said there are signs. He’s guessing just a few more weeks.”
“How do you feel about it?” Julie settled and tucked her legs under her.
“I guess it’s okay. I’ve been in stasis so long... God, Julie, I’ve been awful to everyone, and I’m so sorry.”
“Cut it out,” Julie said firmly. “You’ve been through a lot, and what kind of friends would we be if we didn’t understand? Is that why you had Ryker move in?”
“Well, he’d be right there to drive me to the hospital.”
Julie sipped her tea. “Have a cookie. Can I be perfectly frank?”
“Aren’t you always?”
Julie sighed. “No. You know that. But I’m wondering about something.”
Marisa tensed a little, but reached for a cookie. It gave her something to occupy her hand and her mouth. Her heart thudded a bit as she wondered what was coming.
“This Ryker guy,” Julie said. “A few weeks ago, you pushed him away. The Do Not Disturb signs were practically neon.”
Marisa opened her mouth to explain, but Julie spoke first.
“The thing is, Marisa, maybe you don’t know it, but I saw you eating him up with your eyes. You wanted that man.”
“Oh, God.” Marisa dropped the cookie on her saucer and felt a tear leak from one eye. She wanted to run and hide. “I’m awful.”
“Awful?” Julie sounded startled. “What was awful? My God, I was so happy to see a stirring of life in you. I thought it was wonderful. Then you just shoved him away. Why?”
Marisa could barely shove the words out through her tightening throa
t. “It was wrong. Johnny...”
“Oh, to hell with that. You were grieving, sure. But that doesn’t mean you can’t live. You didn’t have to crawl into that coffin with Johnny. Hell, none of us wanted to see that. We were worried about you. You just went into a cocoon and barely poked your nose out. So I got happy for you when you...showed some interest in something. A man. That’s not a freaking crime!”
More tears rolled down Marisa’s face, and she began to have trouble breathing. “I felt like it was.”
“Well, it’s not. And while we’re on the subject, I want to remind you of something.”
Marisa closed her eyes and nodded. Once Julie was on a roll, there was no stopping her. Even when it felt like taking it on the chin.
“Johnny was the one who left you. Over and over again he left you. Try to remember that. Then there’s just one other thing before I shut my mouth. Go ahead and have a fling with Ryker if he’s interested. You’re entitled to some pleasure in your life. But damn it, just a fling, because he’s another Johnny.”
* * *
Ryker couldn’t put Marisa’s clothes away, so he left the basket beside her bed, awaiting her directions when she got home. Then he headed into the kitchen to start dinner for them, wondering if he should cook for Julie, as well.
But mostly he was wondering about himself. He felt yearnings he’d never felt before. Yearnings for a home, a family, all those ordinary things his life had kept from him. But unless he changed himself, he couldn’t have any of them.
Quite a conundrum, he thought with bitter amusement. For years he’d been amazed that John had managed both, but then he’d been faced with Marisa. That was the price of his kind of life. Dying didn’t begin to touch it. John had left devastation behind him in the life of a woman he loved. Maybe he’d never really thought it would happen. Or maybe he’d been so addicted to danger he simply couldn’t quit.
But faced with the wreckage, Ryker couldn’t consider adding any of those missing things to his life unless he was prepared to carve out a piece of himself. It just wouldn’t be fair.
But when he tried to visualize himself in any other role, he faced a blank wall. He’d never been anything else. What would he replace it with? He couldn’t imagine.
He’d never been given to a lot of self-reflection. As a rule he was too busy, either on an assignment that took his full attention, or getting ready for one or coming back from one. Total job absorption. But since he’d learned about John, and mostly since he’d met John’s wife, he had a hell of a lot to think about. Reevaluating himself proved to be an uncomfortable place to be.
Thus he was glad when he heard the front door open, heard Marisa’s and Julie’s voices.
“Welcome back,” he called out.
But only Marisa came into the kitchen. She looked worn out, and he felt a spark of instant concern. “Something wrong? Where’s Julie?”
“She had a meeting. I’m fine.”
“Well, you don’t look it,” he said bluntly. “Go put your feet up. Want a glass of milk or something?”
She didn’t answer, so he got her one, anyway. He found her in her bedroom, curled up on her bed. She hadn’t even removed her jacket, although her gloves and scarf lay on the floor. The rules he had set for himself dictated that he just leave her alone. Well, to hell with the rules.
He entered the room, put the milk on her nightstand, then sat beside her. After a moment he caressed her arm. “Marisa? What happened? I thought you two were going to have fun.”
“We did,” she mumbled.
“Then what happened to fun?”
She didn’t answer. He kept stroking her arm, hoping his touch felt soothing. Just as he was about to give up and leave her alone, she spoke.
“Julie said something that shook me up.”
“What was that?”
“She pointed out to me that I had nothing to feel guilty about. That I didn’t leave Johnny, that he left me. That he was always leaving me.”
He felt those words like a blow to his chest. They were painful to hear, and saying things about how it was John’s job didn’t take the sting out. He knew it. John had left her repeatedly, and not just to go to the corner store.
He continued to massage her arm gently, then did something totally uncharacteristic. He stretched out behind her and wrapped his arm around her. He wasn’t accustomed to offering comfort, but strange as if felt, it was good. He just hoped it helped her in some small way. He also wondered if there was any way to convince her that John hadn’t been leaving her. Because the truth was, year after year, John had gone away for months at a time, and he kept going away until he was unable to come home anymore.
Ryker was just the same. He had no business inserting himself into this woman’s life, maybe giving her something else to worry about. Certainly no business holding her like this as if he could offer comfort when he was himself no comfort at all. Regardless of their earlier conversation, he needed to keep his distance. Protect her from a relationship of any kind that could leave her in the straits John had. Even friendship might be a danger to her.
But his world had been shaken, too. Here he was, holding a woman simply to offer comfort, and it felt magical. The lacks in is own life jolted his perspective, and he stared into emptiness over Marisa’s head.
He felt her beginning to relax. Falling asleep? Maybe. He wondered if he should move anyway, get the hell out of this house and town.
Then she surprised him by murmuring, “I knew the rules going in. Why did I let what Julie said upset me so much? It’s not fair to John.”
Now, that was a question indeed. His understanding of human nature was large but limited in scope. He wasn’t used to dealing with the tenderer emotions. Not with things like this, and yet, here he was, comforting this woman with a hug, aware that lies would always stand between them and absolutely no understanding of what she was going through. He stifled a sigh and tried to think of one useful thing to offer. Some way to ease her. Because she didn’t deserve this.
“Julie didn’t mean it the way I took it,” Marisa said after a short while. “I think she was encouraging me to get on with my own life. But...it hit me hard, Ryker. It was like looking at everything from a different angle.”
Well, he understood that. It was happening to him right now, and no matter how hard he tried to straighten his head out, it remained all mixed up. He shoved himself aside to take care of Marisa. “Don’t let this affect your memories,” he said quietly. “Maybe all that’s happening is that you’re realizing you needed some things in your marriage that you didn’t get. Probably pretty typical.”
“Maybe.”
“I mean, I’m no expert. Hell, I’m not even a beginner. I avoided all that. But I do know that John loved you. And I can guess how hard his absences must have been. But that doesn’t diminish the love, does it?” He was floundering here and increasingly aware that he was building an internal list of all the things this woman deserved...and that didn’t include being abandoned for months at a time or raising a kid without its father. John, he thought, you were one selfish jerk.
So he, too, was seeing things differently. Hitherto he’d thought John extremely lucky to have found a woman like Marisa. Now he was wondering if John had ever considered how much his chosen life had affected his wife.
Why the hell had Julie stirred up this hornet’s nest? If he got the chance, he was going to ask her to explain herself.
Because at this point it seemed simply cruel, and Marisa had suffered enough cruelty.
* * *
As it turned out, he didn’t have to wait long to confront Julie. Marisa fell asleep, and he slipped from her side to let her rest comfortably. He was in the kitchen putting together dinner when he heard a car pull up.
Going to the front, he saw it was Julie. He grabbed his jacket and stepped ou
t into the icy air, watching the woman approach him.
“She’s sleeping,” he said shortly, without greeting.
Julie studied him from green eyes. “Who made you the castle gatekeeper?”
“Me.”
Julie nodded slowly, and he couldn’t understand why a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “So, you’re another Johnny?”
He didn’t deny it. Instead, he went on the attack. “Why’d you upset her?”
Julie’s face changed, the hinted smile evaporating. “What do you mean?”
“Telling her that John was always leaving her. It upset her. It’s making her question everything.”
“Ah, hell.” Julie looked away, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her coat. “I was afraid of that.” Her breath blew clouds on the frigid air. “I was just trying to tell her that she had a right to move on. That she wasn’t betraying Johnny in some way if she did. After all, he kept walking out that door. She ought to be able to walk forward, at least.” She turned her attention back to Ryker. “She’s attracted to you.”
He didn’t reply.
“Go ahead and be a sphinx. But I have some words for you. Don’t you dare hurt her. If you’re planning to treat her the way Johnny did, then get the hell out right now. It’s not right for her to keep living her life waiting for a man to come home. Not right at all. And love doesn’t make it right.”
Wow, he thought as he watched her walk back to her car. That woman didn’t pull her punches. “Julie?” he called.
She turned with obvious reluctance.
“Thanks for being such a good friend to her.”
At that Julie moved toward him. He came down the steps so he didn’t tower over her.
“I don’t know what’s with you,” she said. “You were Johnny’s friend, so I presume you lead the same kind of life. She loved that man. I don’t want to see her in this position again. And now there’s a kid to concern me, too. You might be a nice guy, for all I know. Just don’t drag her and that kid back into limbo. Don’t.”
He nodded once. “I read you. And that’s not my intention at all.”