by Ni-Ni Simone
I placed the Tylenol back in the refrigerator. “I have to go to the bathroom.” Once I walked in the bathroom, I flipped my cell open and called Harlem.
“Harlem?”
“Wassup? I was just about to come through.”
“Listen,” I sighed. “I’m not gon’ be able to go.”
“What?” I could tell he was put off. “Something happened?”
“No.”
“No? So you call and say you’re not going and nothing happened? What’s up with you? You seeing somebody else?”
“I can barely see you. Now you think I’m seeing somebody else too?”
“I don’t know, you tell me. Know what ma,” he said, sounding distant. “It’s cool. I’m not gon’ go through this with you.”
“Go through what?”
“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing.”
“So what you saying?”
“I’m saying, I’m out,” and he hung up.
Tears welled in my eyes and I started to cry. All my lessons in life, I learned the hard way. It’s like this was so simple yet so hard to do at the same time. As I wiped my eyes and came out of the bathroom, my mother yelled, “Toi, Seven, I’m going to pick something up from my job and I’ll be right back. Noah’s in his crib and Toi, remember to check on him. If his fever feels worse, you call me.”
“Okay.” I went in my room and closed the door. As I grabbed the remote to turn on the television, there was a knock on my window, shaking the glass. I walked over and pulled the curtain back. It was Quamir. “Open the door!”
After I came out of momentary shock, I looked at him like he was crazy. “Lose yourself.”
“Please.”
I sucked my teeth. “Go to the front door!” I walked down the short hallway and snatched the door open. “What do you want?” I snapped. “My mother told you not to come back here!”
“Look.” He grabbed my hand and I snatched it back. “I just came to apologize and see if we can get this back on track.”
“What?” Was he on drugs? “Are you high?”
“High off you.”
“Toi!” Seven called me as she walked into the living room from the back, “Noah was crying,” she said, slowly noticing Quamir standing at the door, “and I was going to give him a bottle but there’s no more milk.”
“I’ll buy it,” Quamir volunteered.
“What?” Seven and I said simultaneously.
“I said I’ll buy it. He’s my son and from now on out I’m going to be here for him.”
I must be dreaming. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” he looked at me, “I am.”
“I’ll watch him until you come back.” Seven volunteered. “Better go ’head and get that milk before the other baby mama be calling.”
I squinted my eyes at Seven, and then I looked at Quamir. “Okay.” I grabbed my purse, “and he needs some Pampers, too.”
“I got you.” Quamir smiled.
As we rode to Walgreens, I wondered what was on Quamir’s mind that he was back in my face. Last I checked, he hated me and now he was trying to be nice? Huh? “So Toi,” he said, “I really would like for us to be a family again.”
“Boy, please.” I sucked my teeth.
“Boy please, what?” he said as we pulled into the parking lot. “I know that I haven’t done everything that I needed to do, but I really wanna be with you.”
Whatever. When we walked into the store, I headed down the baby aisle for formula, and Quamir picked up a pack of Trojans, and then he headed toward the snack aisle. “What hoochie you buying all that stuff for?” I asked after I’d gotten what I needed.
“Why you so interested?” he smiled at me. “I’m giving you the opportunity to do something about all those other hoochies.”
I fell out laughing. I was cracking up so hard that I didn’t even notice the water on the floor, and before I knew anything, I was falling. Quamir caught me.
“Thank you.” I said, noticing how he was holding me a little too closely.
“You smell so good.” He buried his nose in my neck and as I went to push him off, I looked up and Harlem was standing there. He didn’t crack even the slightest smile. “You wanna introduce me to your friend?” he said, looking at Quamir.
“Oh,” I paused, breaking Quamir’s embrace. “This is Quamir.” I could tell Harlem’s feelings were hurt.
“Wassup?” Quamir held me around the waist.
“What are you doing?” I snapped at Quamir. “Get off of me!” I turned back toward Harlem and as quickly as he came, he’d left. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest. “Damn!”
“You know what, Toi? I’m sick of you playing me!” Quamir spat.
“Playing you?”
“You think I’ma keep sweatin’ you. Well, hell no. You’re wrong. Buy your own milk, Pampers and shit.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe this. “Was this a set up?”
“Call it whatever, but I’m not chasing you no more!”
“Fine, I’ll pay for my son’s stuff, just drop me off and go back to the section of hell you flew out of off.”
“Better catch yo’ ass a bus.” And he left.
I couldn’t believe this…I absolutely…could…not believe this. I didn’t even get mad, I paid for my son’s stuff and walked home.
Once I got home, and made sure my son was okay, then picked up the phone and called Harlem. The call went straight to voicemail and I hung up.
“What took you so long?” Seven asked as I walked into my bedroom door.
“Girl, you not gon’ believe this.” I shook my head and tears came to my eyes.
“Did Quamir try something with you?”
I cried and told her everything that had happened. By the time I was through, I was a babbling mess.
“Go lay down,” she said, “I’ll look after Noah.”
“Alright.” I wiped my eyes. “Alright.”
13
“Amir!” My mother yelled as I walked into the living room to meet Tay, who sat waiting for me on the porch. “Why are all these kids lined up here at ten o’clock in the morning? What do they want?”
“Kool-Aid,” he said, cheesin’.
“Didn’t I tell you to stop selling that Kool-Aid? I had to cuss out Margarite down the street because she said you were selling Alizé and not Kool-Aid.”
“Ma,” he put on a smile that was simply a little too innocent. “I would never do anything like that.”
“You better not.” She grabbed her purse for work, “’cause you know I will bust dat ass.”
“Bye ma.” He smiled as she walked to the door. “Yeah, I know. Bye.”
“Hi, Mrs. McKnight,” Tay said as my mother walked down the stairs.
“Hi. Toi, listen out for Noah. He’s asleep. Seven’s inside but she’ll be leaving for work soon.”
“Okay, ma. Bye.”
“Love you.”
“Okay, girl.” Tay said, sitting on the porch with me, “What happened with Quamir the other night?”
“How you know about Quamir?” I asked her, surprised.
“Ronnique told me.”
“Ronnique?”
“Yeah. Ronnique found out from Deeyah, who found out from Shanice, who said that Quamir told her. Ronnique said that you been stalking Quamir, calling him every day.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry, I set Ronnique straight and then I told her to carry that back.”
“Girl, it was nothing,” I just didn’t feel like recapping the whole thing, “other than Quamir being Quamir.”
“That bad?”
I shook my head. “Even worse.” I gave her the Cliff note version of what Quamir had done.
“He get the award for crazy-azz of the year.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, on to better things. We need to start filling out our applications so we can be ready for Spelman.”
I rolled my eyes to the sky. “I don’t know about Spelman anymore.”
“And why not?”
“News flash. I have a baby.”
“I thought your mother wanted to move to Atlanta.”
“She mentioned it once, last year some time, but I haven’t heard anything since.”
“Well, you better push up,” Tay said. “I mean, do all your dreams have to die because you had a baby? Dang.”
Before I could answer her question, Harlem pulled up and parked his Jeep in front of my house. I was surprised to see him and I could tell by the look on his face that he had something on his mind he had to say.
“Okay,” I looked at Tay. “I’ma catch you later.”
“Do that,” Tay said, “maybe we can go to the mall or something.”
She waved at Harlem as he stepped up on the bottom step of the porch and leaned against the railing. “Wassup with you?” he looked me in the face. “And don’t lie, you been lying enough.”
“I don’t know.” I hunched my shoulders.
“Lie number one. You only got one more chance and I’ma officially bounce. I don’t sweat chicks and I don’t chase ’em, but you got me running all over the place. And I ain’t feeling that. I’ma man, ma. You ever had a man before or you too busy running around with boys who leave you in the store.”
I blinked in disbelief. “How do you know he left me in the store?”
“Because I watched you walk home.”
“You followed me?” I closed one eye and playfully said, “You stalking me, Harlem?”
“Do I look like I’m playing with you?”
“No.”
“I followed you to be sure you were safe. You only lived around the corner, otherwise I would’ve given you a ride. But don’t try and change the subject. Wassup with you?”
“Harlem—”
“You gon’ tell me?”
“Harlem?”
“You back with ole boy?”
“Let me explain.”
“Know what—cancel the explanation. It’s a wrap. I can’t believe I was feeling you like that. And Josiah gon’ tell me to talk to you, maybe it was something you needed to share with me. Man please, forget you. You a typical li’l hood chick and I’m not down for it. I’m done with you.” He gave a snide laugh, “You play too many games and you too confused. I don’t have no time for that. I got enough problems and I don’t need to pick up no new ones. So since you so busy lyin’,” he waved his hand under his chin, “I’ma step. Shoulda known you were a liar.”
“A liar?”
“Yeah, a liar. You ridiculous.”
Tears filled my eyes. “You got a whole lotta nerve, like you so stand up and self-righteous. I’ma liar, you wait right here!”
“Ma, please. I’m out. I ain’t waitin’ for you no more, I’ve waited enough.”
“Leave if you want to and see what happens!” I didn’t know what I would or even could do, but I felt like if he took one step off this porch I was gon’ hurt him. I stormed into the house, picked up my baby out of his crib and walked back to the porch. “He is why I’ve been canceling dates with you! It wasn’t about no other dude, or about me lying!”
“You got a baby?”
“Yeah, I do. And that was his deadbeat-ass daddy in the store with me, not my man. I can’t stand him. He doesn’t take care of his son, he does nothing, which means this baby is all mine. Period. So yes, I’ma statistic and now that you know, what you can do,” I flicked my hand as if I’d just performed a magic trick, “is step.”
“Toi—”
“What you calling me for? Didn’t you say you didn’t deal with statistics?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Ain’t no but, ’cause that’s the ignorant shit you said. Now get off my porch and go home!”
We stood there for a moment, the very moment that I knew we would always meet. And the longer we stood there saying nothing, the more I felt like a fool. I looked at Harlem and shook my head. I turned to go inside and slammed the door behind me. A few seconds later, I heard him get in his Jeep and leave.
I sat down on the couch and instead of falling to pieces, I hunched my knees almost to my chest and placed my son in the space between and stared at him. “I love you, you know that?” I paused as if I were waiting for an answer and the most I got was a few grunts and groans. For a moment I thought he was going to the bathroom, so I started to laugh. “Nasty boy, Noah.” I ran my hands over his head. “I will never deny you again. If a man can’t accept you, then he can’t accept me. I still don’t know what we gon’ do with each other. All I know is that we in this together.” I started tickling him, he started laughing and eventually I started laughing, too. And for a moment, I forgot about my mother, welfare, Qua, Harlem, and all the other problems I had. All that mattered for right now was my son and seeing him smile.
An hour into playing with Noah, he fell asleep in my arms. I went in my room, lay him on my bed, and turned on the TV. A repeat of Keyshia Cole’s reality show was playing.
Seven came into my room. “Yo, I’m leaving. Man-Man is across the street with Shae’s little brothers.”
“Ai’ight, lock the door behind you,” I said.
After a while, I sat wondering if I should call Harlem. But then I figured, what for? Maybe my mother was right. Maybe I didn’t have time for everything I wanted to do, or better yet, used to and just maybe boys were included.
A few minutes into my thoughts, the doorbell rang and it scared me. I sucked my teeth. If this was Man-Man I was gon’ strangle him. I placed pillows around my son then hopped off the bed, stormed down the hall and snatched the door open.
Harlem was standing there. Out of fear of being thrown off balance because I was so shocked to see him again, I leaned against the back of the door.
“I tried,” he hunched his shoulders, “to say forget you. But every time I drove closer to my dorm, something kept bringing me back down your block so—you know I guess I was meant to be here.”
“So what you saying?” I hoped he couldn’t hear my heart skipping a thousand beats.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting to be with you, wanting to spend time with you. And I miss you like crazy.”
“You’re not mad?”
His eyes widened, “Am I mad? Hell yeah! You lied to me.” He pointed his hands like a gun in my face.
I held my head down quickly and looked back up at him.
He had a look of disgust on his face, but underneath I could tell that he still cared for me, otherwise why would he be here? Right? At least I pray I was right.
“Toi,” he continued, “you had me thinking one thing and it was something completely different. I mean, really, I could look at you and say is Toi really your name?”
“What kind of question is that? You got a lot of nerve. It’s not like you ever asked and then the day I was going to tell you, you came out with some statistics bullshit. Heck, how would you feel? You didn’t exactly make falling in love with you and telling you the truth easy for me!” Without warning, tears streamed down my face. “Know what? It’s obvious that this is going nowhere so why are you even here?”
He walked up close to me. “You in love with me?”
“It doesn’t even matter.”
He kissed my tears away. “Yes it does.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be here. And leaving you alone is not that easy.”
“Well, I have a baby.”
“I know.”
“And I can’t continue to be ashamed of that.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“So then, like I said before, what exactly are you saying?”
“I’m saying,” he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, “I’m here. And I don’t know what this means or where this is going, but I care about you and right now leaving you alone is no something I want to do. So what you think? You believe in second chances?”
“Yeah,” I smiled, “actually I do.”
Drama Part III
The Game Done Changed
14
“Harlem,” I spoke slowly into the phone because my head ached like crazy. My mother was off this weekend and at the spur of the moment she decided she wanted to drive to North Carolina to visit some of our relatives, a trip that I couldn’t make. After all, I had to work. Then I woke up this morning feeling horrible. My head was banging and my body ached. I thought maybe I was having a bad case of cramps but my period had just gone off last week, so that wasn’t it. Needless to say, I was on the phone with Harlem, canceling yet another date and this one, we were supposed to do with Noah. “I’m sick as a dog.”
“I hear you, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, I just hurt all over. Like I have the flu or something.”
“Where’s the baby?”
“He’s here.”
“How are you taking care of him if you’re sick?”
“I’ll be okay, but look,” I felt myself about to throw up, “I gotta go.” I don’t remember if I hung up the phone or not. I ran to the bathroom and it seemed that everything I’d ever eaten splattered all on the floor. It was official, I was a mess.
After a few minutes of wondering exactly how I was going to do this, my bell rang and I dragged myself to answer it. I didn’t ask who it was, I simply opened the door.
“You alright, ma?”
It was Harlem. I couldn’t believe he was over here and I was looking like a stray dog. But the way I felt, I didn’t even care. “Har—” and before I could finish I was throwing up, leaving a trail on the living room floor to the bathroom.
“Damn ma, you fucked up.” I couldn’t tell if he wanted to laugh or felt sorry for me.
“Whatever,” I said wiping specks of vomit from the corners of my mouth as I came back to the living room.
“Ai’ight,” he laid his baseball cap on the edge of the couch, “I’ma help you out.”