by Ni-Ni Simone
I was on cloud nine and for the first time in a long time, I closed my eyes and smiled as I drifted off to sleep.
27
“Would you get your face together?” Tay said as I collected a tip off one of my tables. “We going to Hotlanta, baby! Hollah!”
“No, you’re going to Hotlanta. I’m going to Atlanta to work, probably end up in some country-ass town on the outskirts in a trailer, working at Piggy Wiggy for the rest of my life.”
“Did the real Toi leave and get replaced by a dumb one?”
“No, I’m just saying. I haven’t gotten my acceptance letter and what makes it worse is that I already told you about the letter Harlem wrote me. I wrote him back, and got nothing in response. Not to mention the prom is in two weeks and then graduation—do you see where I’m going with this?”
“Yeah.” She shook her head. “To hell and back—you sound a hot mess.” And she left me standing there. And I guess…maybe I did sound a hot mess, but hell, how would you feel? It’s like the more I move ahead, the further back I fall. I thought for sure once I’d made up my mind to go that I would be accepted to college, but ha-ha, psyched my own mind. All I would be doing when we moved to Atlanta would be taking my misery on the road.
Whatever.
I finished my shift by serving the rest of my customers for the night, collected my tips, and headed home for another night of blah…blah…blah.
28
It was prom night and my entire house was excited. All of my relatives were there, including my daddy, who sat across from Khalil, who, by the way, my mother liked more and more by the day. They were now a full-fledged couple and I could tell that Tre McKnight didn’t know what to do with himself.
Cousin Shake and Ms. Minnie had volunteered to be chaperones and, as always, they’d outdone themselves. Cousin Shake had on a sky blue tuxedo with a black stripe going down the side, a white shirt with ruffles going down the middle, about fifteen gold chains draped around his neck, and a crisp clean pair of sky blue L.A. Gears. And Ms. Minnie wore a red leather mini skirt, a white ruffled shirt, and leg warmers (and yeah, it was spring—May, to be exact). On her feet were a pair of clear jelly stilettos that lit up like Christmas lights every time she took a step. They were in the living room doing a bunch of jailhouse poses as Seven and I were in the back getting ready.
Although I tried not to show it, every time the bell rang I prayed that it was Harlem. But so far it had rung for what felt like a hundred times and it wasn’t.
“I want you to do me a favor,” my mother said as I sat on the edge of the bed and she put makeup on my face. “I don’t want you thinking about anything that has gone wrong. All I want you to think about is what’s right.”
“Ma, I’m not depressed.”
“I know, but I also know that you want certain things in life and they’re not unfolding exactly the way you planned.”
“My life is crazy.” I tried to laugh, but I really, wanted to cry.
“No, it’s not, Toi. It’s life, and guess what? Shit happens. And when it does, you just start again. Now, you have been moping around here for too long with this long face. You’re so busy concentrating on what isn’t that you’re missing what is. And what is, is you are a beautiful young lady, you’re smart, you’ve become responsible, you take care of your son, you get good grades, and you’ve come a long way. I’m proud of you and starting tonight, I want you to be proud of you, too.” She kissed me on my forehead.
“You ready?” Seven said, walking into my room, looking like a princess in a periwinkle cocktail dress that stopped at the knee and showcased her beautiful legs. Her hair was styled in a wreath of Shirley Temple curls.
“Oh,” my mother said breathily (she was so dramatic). “You two look beautiful.” She took us by the hands and we looked in the mirror, my mother in the center and my sister and I on the sides. “You two,” she wiped her misty eyes, “look just like me!”
We looked at my mother and fell out laughing. She held our hands and we walked into the living room and everyone started snapping pictures. Josiah was there waiting for Seven and Tay was waiting for me. We decided we’d go together since neither one of us had dates.
Josiah and Seven rode together in a Mercedes Benz he’d rented for the night and Tay and I rented a stretch limousine.
I didn’t think I would, but I was having a good time. I danced, ate, kicked it with my classmates, and Josiah and Seven were crowned Prom King and Queen. Although I tried to fight it, I looked for Harlem all night. I did force myself to have a good time, well, at least until the slow jams came on and Percy and Shim-daddy were grinning at me and Tay. Believe it or not, Cle’otis had a date.
“Wassup?” Percy was dressed in what looked to me the new millennium version of a Mighty Mouse outfit: a red velvet suit with a short royal blue cape and red and blue alligator shoes. “I know you wanna dance with a pimp.”
“Not even…” I said, “if Jesus told me to do it.” And I left him standing there.
“They crazy,” I said to Tay.
And when she didn’t respond, I turned around to see why not. You wouldn’t believe this—this chick was over there dancing with Percy and Cle’otis. One in the front and one in the back…oh my…all I could do was laugh.
“Broke Down.” Cousin Shake walked over to me. “Can I have this dance?”
“Aww, Cousin Shake. Of course.” Cousin Shake held me by the waist and we swayed to an oldie but goodie, “No More Daddy’s Little Girl.” “I didn’t get a chance to tell you,” Cousin Shake whispered in my ear, “but you look beautiful tonight. I mean, your sister look alright, but you puttin’ her to sleep. The only one who looks hotter than you is Minnie.”
“Wow, Cousin Shake. What a compliment. Thank you.”
“Ai’ight,” he said as the DJ switched to the cha-cha slide. “Be up off me now. I gotta go Charlie Brown with my fifty-year-old tender.” And he jetted.
I hunched my shoulders; hell, what did I have to lose? I went on and cha-cha’ed, too.
And by the time the night ended, I’d stopped thinking about everything that I expected to happen overnight and started just living and enjoying my life.
29
The morning of graduation, I stood in the mirror smiling at myself. Finally, I’d done what I set out to do. I ended the year with good grades and feeling like I would make it. I was determined to be all that I could despite being a teenage mother and people thinking the odds were stacked against me. I’d made it this far and now I was aiming for the stars.
“Look at my baby,” my mother whined as she walked in my room. “I’m soooo proud of you.”
“I’m so nervous, ma.”
“Don’t you be nervous.” She picked up my cap and gown and helped me to put them on. “You are a beautiful young lady and I know that the sky is the limit.” She placed my cap on my head. “I know that no matter what, you will get through it. All you have to do is put your mind to it.”
She kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, ma,” I said.
“I love you more.”
“Alright now.” My daddy pushed the door open. “Let’s go. Cousin Shake wants to say a graduation prayer and then we’ll be on our way.”
“Oh no, ma.” I looked at her. “You promised.”
“I know, but you know how he is.”
We walked into the living room where everyone was holding hands. My mother and I joined the circle and at Cousin Shake’s insistence, we bowed our heads. “Hmmmm…” Cousin Shake began to pray. “We are gathered here today to say thank you. Thank you for upgrading Broke Down, for showing Fat Mama there’s more to life than a sandwich, and for seeing this crew through to graduation. We about to take on a whole adventure and my Lord Jesus Crisco, you and I both know that Hotlanta will never be the same. Now, let’s roll. Amen.”
“Is it New Year’s?” Seven asked.
Cousin Shake started running in place. “Believe me…you…do…not want none of Shake.”
E
verybody started laughing. My mother opened the front door and was laughing so hard that she bumped right into the mailman, causing the letters in his hand to scatter on the porch. I reached down to pick them up and the one on top was from Spelman. “Ma.” I showed her the envelope as she said excuse me to the mailman for bumping into him.
“Open it,” my family chanted, all staring at the envelope like it was gold.
“I can’t,” I said. “Suppose they said no?”
“Give it here,” Cousin Shake said. “I’ll open it.” He tore the side of the envelope and slid the letter out. “Auh unnn,” he cleared his throat while rattling the letter. “Dear Broke Down—”
“It doesn’t say that,” my mother snapped. “Now read it.”
“Okay,” he said. His gaze scanned the letter and then he started to read. “We know you been sweatin’ us for months and we decided,” he paused, and it felt like eternity, “that you need to stay yo ass home. Nah, it says pack your bags and come on to Spelman!”
My mother snatched it from his hand. “You got accepted!!!!” she screamed and we all started to do a dance. My sister held me so tight that she smushed Noah, who I held on my hip.
I couldn’t believe it…I, Ms. Toi McKnight, was going to college!
Drama Part IV
No More Drama
30
August in Atlanta was nothing like it was in Jersey. Atlanta was hot, sweaty, and the extra bright sun made me feel like I was on a tropical island somewhere. Everything on campus seemed so foreign to me, from the old brick buildings to the cliques of sororities and fraternities, African flags flying, and all the clubs handing out pamphlets about getting to know your history and how to join their groups.
We were standing in line to register for classes and the campus was mad crowded with people from everywhere. For a moment, I felt like I was lost in a sea of students because I’d never seen so many people in my life.
Spelman’s campus was huge and although it was all girls, there were cuties all over the place. We even had classes with the Morehouse cats.
“You know,” Tay smacked her lips, “that I’ma join a fraternity.” She looked around and pointed to a few boys dressed in shirts with Greek letters on them. “I’ma join all of them.”
Me, Seven, and Shae looked at her like she was crazy. “You mean a sorority?” I laughed.
“No.” She curled her top lip, and pointed to the clique of cuties with Q-dog shirts on. “I mean fraternities. Excuse me for a minute.” She walked over to them and introduced herself.
“Toi,” Seven said, “I forgot something in my dorm room. Come back with me, Shae.”
“Alright, we’ll catch you in a minute, Toi,” Shae said as they disappeared.
Seven, Shae, and Tay all stayed on campus. I stayed home with my family, but that was cool—it was like I had the best of both worlds…well almost, because not a day went by that I didn’t think about Harlem.
I reached in my bag and pulled out a list of the courses I needed to take.
“Yeah, girl,” floated from behind me. “They call me Lil’ Bootsy. How you doing?”
Oh…no…
“Don’t you worry about how they doing,” I heard Ms. Minnie say from behind me. I had no idea they were in Georgia…I shoulda known…I shoulda known…“You better worry,” Ms. Minnie carried on, “about all this money I’m about to spend. About to have me walking the streets, catching the bus, wandering around trying to think of ways to pay these people they money and you acting crazy. Better break yo self, fool.”
Oh…my…God…All I could do was shake my head. This was a hot ass mess. And just when I thought they wouldn’t notice me, Percy screamed my name. “Toi Sharee McKnight, I been looking all my life for you, girl.”
I turned around slowly.
“Don’t worry, Toi,” Ms. Minnie said. “I’m registering his li’l ass in the slow classes.”
Jesus.
“And don’t get up here,” Ms. Minnie went on, “embarrassing me, talking about you tryna get on the basketball team.”
It took me about an hour to finally get to the front of the line. I registered for my classes and smiled as I walked away, looking at my schedule. Then suddenly I felt like I’d just run into a brick wall. My paper fell out of my hand and my backpack slipped off my shoulder.
“Watch out, Pretty Girl.”
I looked up and it was as if the sun was shining only on us. All of the people standing around us disappeared and all I saw was Harlem standing there. I pinched myself to see if this was a dream, but when I felt the pain from the pinch I realized it wasn’t.
Harlem smiled. “Ma, look at you. You were beautiful that last time I saw you but you’ve become even prettier.”
“I never stopped thinking about you.”
“Yeah?” He arched his eyebrows. “Well, how come I never got a response to my letter?”
“I wrote you back! I even waited for you the day of my prom.”
“You did?” he smiled. “Well, I never got your letter, baby.”
“I missed you sooooo much.”
“Really? I got one better than that.”
“What’s that?”
“How about I never stopped loving you.”
My heart started racing. I didn’t know what to say, so I simply tucked my bottom lip into my mouth.
“You really still love me?”
He placed his arms around me. “You don’t believe me?” He laughed, hugging me. “I promise you I still love you.”
“How much?” I laughed, doing what I could to hold my corny ass tears back.
“This much.” Then he yelled, “I love Toi McKnight! See this girl right here? In the last year, I never stopped thinking about her, and I never…ever…for one second, stopped loving her!”
“You can calm down,” I said, tight-lipped, while looking at all the people staring at us.
“Nah, there’s only one way to make me calm down,” he said as he pressed his lips against mine.
“And what is that?” I responded to his kisses.
“If you be my girl again.”
I stood there for a moment, looking into his eyes. I thought that dreams didn’t come true, but here I was, living a dream. He was beautiful and he wanted me and I wanted him and now I think I’ve grown enough to handle this. I’ve come a long way since fighting Shanice and chasing Quamir. I knew life was what I made it and I was determined that this go-round I wasn’t settling for anything less than the best. “Yes,” I said as he kissed me again. “I’ma always be your girl.”
A READING GROUP GUIDE
IF I WAS YOUR GIRL
Ni-Ni Simone
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The following questions are intended to enhance your group’s reading of IF I WAS YOUR GIRL.
Discussion Questions
In the beginning of the story, do you think Toi was wrong for showing up at Shanice’s door? If it were you, would you have done the same thing? Why or why not?
Do you think Toi had low self-esteem?
Do you feel that Toi and Quamir loved each other? Do you know any couples like them?
Did you think that Harlem loved Toi? Why or why not?
Did you think that Harlem’s mother was right in her thinking? Do you know anyone like her?
Do you think that Toi was a good mother? Why or why not?
Do you think that Quamir was a good father? Why or why not? Do you feel there was a big difference in Quamir and Toi’s father?
What did you think of Seven no longer being a virgin?
Were you surprised that Toi went to college? Why or why not?
What do you think will happen now that the family has relocated to Atlanta?
A Chat with Ni-Ni Simone
What do you like most about being an author?
What I like most is that I can bring all of my dreams to life. If I want to be a singer, a dancer, or a rapper then I can be. The world on paper is limitless. But I couldn’t do it without my educati
on. And no, I’m not a walking afterschool special, but I do keep it real. I know I couldn’t write books without paying attention in my English classes and when it came to the literary contracts, math was useful too—LOL.
What is one of the best things you’ve ever done?
Uhmmm, okay, dump a boy who didn’t treat me like a lady. I had to let him know he had me twisted.
Name one of the worst things you’ve ever done?
Date a boy I didn’t like.
Who is your favorite rapper?
You know it’s Bow Wow.
Who is your favorite famous couple?
Beyoncé and Jay-Z, they are so hot!
What’s your favorite TV show?
Actually, I have two: Run’s House and Keyshia Cole’s reality show The Way It Is. Oh, and Flavor of Love. Wait, wait, oh yeah, B,E,T,’s Hell Date. I Love New York is the bomb, too. And I do have two oldies but goodies, Good Times and Little House on the Prairie. What, chile please can you say J.J. and Nellie Olesen? I know that was more than two.
Want more?
Check out Seven McKnight’s story,
SHORTIE LIKE MINE.
Available now wherever books are sold.
1
I ain’t even gonna front…