by Roni Loren
Her sister was gone. She couldn’t bring her back.
Taryn pulled into her parents’ driveway, and her father was outside waiting for her. He’d already looked years older than his real age, and the new lines of worry made him look worse. He hurried to pull open her car door. “Thank God you’re here, cher. A reporter called. Your momma is not taking this well. She needs to see you’re okay. Are you okay?”
Taryn climbed out of the car and accepted her father’s tight hug. “I’m okay.”
“I can’t believe… We’ll deal with all of it,” he said in that gruff, fatherly tone he used when he was trying to keep everyone calm. “We can bring charges against him. He impersonated—”
She lifted a hand. “Daddy, let’s take care of Mom first, okay?”
He nodded grimly. “All right.”
They walked inside, and Taryn could hear her mother’s sobs the second she passed the threshold. Her mother shot to her feet when she saw them, her face streaked with tears, and came to Taryn. “Oh, baby.” She put her arms around her, trembling. “I cannot believe this. Those horrible people. They took my baby, and now they’re trying to hurt my other one. I don’t think I can take it. Someone needs to do something. How is he walking the streets?”
“It’s okay, Momma.” Her mother was bordering on hysterical, and Taryn made soothing noises and hugged her back. She was well practiced at this part at least. The first few years after the shooting, her mom got into these states often, cycling between panic and grief. “Come on, let’s sit down.”
Her stomach was in knots, but Taryn managed to lead her mom to the living room with her dad in tow. Her mom sat right next to her and put her hands on Taryn’s face. “What did he do to you? Have you called the police?”
“No.”
“You need to call the police,” she insisted.
“Momma,” Taryn said, her voice betraying her with a quiver. “He didn’t hurt me. I’m okay. Please calm down.”
“I will not. How am I supposed to be calm about this?” Her eyes went wide. “Is this the man whose house you were at the other morning?”
“Mom—”
Alarm crossed her face. “Oh God, he raped you.”
“Honey…” her father said, his voice tight. “Let her talk. This is very difficult for her.”
Taryn felt nauseous. Her parents were staring at her, bracing for the horrible news, ready to comfort her. So much of her wanted to soothe them, to tell them that yes, she was the victim, that none of this was her fault. It was the same feeling she’d had when she’d decided not to tell them she’d opened the door prom night, not to tell them she’d been annoyed with Nia that night. It made it easier for her—but also for them. This time, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. “He didn’t hurt me. I…was there willingly.”
“But he lied to you,” her father cut in, hot anger in his voice. “That’s rape, Taryn. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but he lied and…toyed with you.”
Taryn swallowed hard. She’d come here to do this, but now that it was the moment, she wanted to run. She didn’t want to hurt them. They’d had so much hurt already for one lifetime. She looked down. “He didn’t lie to me.”
The words fell between them like a guillotine, cutting off her mom’s sobs and replacing them with a sucked-in breath. Taryn lifted her head. They both stared at her as though she’d spoken in a different language.
“What do you mean?” her father asked carefully.
Taryn rubbed her damp palms over her thighs, smoothing invisible wrinkles out of her jeans, trying to find the right words. There were none. All the words were lined with sharp glass. “He didn’t lie to me. I knew who he was. We’ve been seeing each other.”
Understanding dawned on her mother’s face like night falling over the plains, her expression going from sad to horrified. “Taryn, you are not telling me…”
“I am,” she said, her tongue dry as a bone. “I knew who he was. He’s not a bad person. He’s—”
“The brother of a murderer,” her mother shouted, getting to her feet. “Taryn.”
Her dad had a shattered expression on his face.
Taryn pushed forward, trying to stay calm despite her heartbeat crashing in her chest. “I know it’s hard to understand. And I’m sorry. I never wanted to upset you. I know how this sounds. He’s Joseph’s brother, but he’s not Joseph.”
“You study this,” her mom said, anger like fire in her voice. “You know this runs in families. He was raised by the same people. He’s been in trouble before. How could you do this to us? To Nia?”
Taryn got to her feet at that, tears streaming now. “Don’t do that, Momma. Please. This is not about Nia. And I study this, but if I believed people were destined to be evil, then what would be the point of all my research and the program? He grew up in the same family, but so many things go into creating a murderer. That’s why interventions can work.”
Her mother was shaking her head, denying Taryn’s words before she was finished saying them. “No. No. You are never to see this man again. You hear me? This is…ludicrous. I don’t know what he put in your head, but—”
“He didn’t put anything in my head. He’s just a person. A regular person.”
“He is not a regular person. He is a Miller. Joseph came from that family. He did not come from a vacuum.” Her mother pointed at Taryn. “And you will not tell this to the press. You will not shame this family like that. Think of all the other victims and families,” she said, voice shaking. “Think of how this will look. How selfish. You brought that family back into our lives. Just because what? You thought he was good-looking?”
Anger flared in Taryn then. “Think about the victims? The families? My family? When do I think about anything else? When?”
“Taryn—” her father warned.
“No. I love you guys with everything I have. I love Nia.” She pressed her hand to her chest, her breathing labored now, grief choking her, but she forced the rest of the words out as tears streamed down her face. “I have spent every waking moment of my life since that horrible night fighting for her, for you, for all of us. Every waking moment.”
“Apparently not all of them if you had time for this man,” her mother snapped.
Taryn stared at her in disbelief. “I have given everything I have to this. I wanted to help. I wanted to make you proud. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that.”
“You will never see him again,” her mother reiterated. “And you will tell the press you didn’t know who he was.”
Her dad stepped closer and put his hand on her mother’s shoulder. “She’s right, cher. You know what people will say. You know how ugly this would get. I won’t have you putting your mother through that. We’ve come so far.”
Taryn straightened, the guilt spear hitting solid, right in the center of her chest. If this blew up and her mother fell apart again, it would be her fault. After all the work she and her father had done to get her mom stable. But… “I can’t do that. It’s not right to throw blame at Shaw for this. I won’t lie.”
“Because you suddenly have a problem with it?” her mom asked. “Didn’t seem you had much trouble while you were sleeping in that man’s bed.”
The words and her mother’s cold look burned like an electric shock. Taryn shook her head, staring at the parents she loved so much, and she felt the ground breaking beneath their feet. Nothing would ever be the same if she didn’t do what they were asking. This would hurt them. They would never forgive her.
Taryn took a breath. “I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I don’t even know where he is right now. But I’m not lying to the press. I won’t do that. And I won’t say he’s a bad person because he’s not. He’s a victim, too.”
Her mother scoffed. “He’s brainwashed you. Sociopaths can do that.”
“Please,” Taryn pleaded.
“Please understand. I never did this to hurt you. I love you both more than anything.”
“We love you, too, but that’s why you need to do what we’re telling you to do,” her father said gently. “It’s not just the best thing for us. It’s the best for you. This man is not worth ruining your reputation over, your program. People will think you sympathize with the killers.”
She met her daddy’s gaze, her heart breaking. “I have to go.”
When they didn’t say anything else, her heart crumbled inside her. She turned and walked out the door.
She’d done everything in her life out of love for her family.
She’d hurt them anyway.
Sometimes love wasn’t enough.
Chapter
Twenty-Six
Taryn sat down in the damp grass, her body feeling empty after the hard sobbing she’d done in the car. After leaving her parents’ house, she’d planned to go home but found herself driving to this place instead. The cemetery was eerily quiet at this late hour, and if she believed in ghosts, she’d be nervous, but the only ghosts haunting her tonight were in her head.
She pulled her knees to her chest and looked at her sister’s headstone. The daisies they’d brought were already drying out. She didn’t know why she’d come here or what she wanted to say, but she’d just felt drawn to this place. Maybe because when she’d have arguments with her parents as a teenager, she’d retreat to her sister’s room, knowing she still had at least one person on her side.
This time, she wasn’t sure where Nia would stand. Maybe she’d think Taryn was nuts, too. Maybe she was yelling at her from wherever she was now. But as Taryn closed her eyes and pictured her sister, she had a hard time imagining Nia reacting that way. Nia had been popular and well-liked by a lot of social groups because she’d been a naturally openhearted and accepting person. She didn’t judge people based on superficial information. Taryn couldn’t imagine her labeling Shaw a bad guy without giving him a chance first.
She also couldn’t imagine Nia being okay with Taryn doing something that was going to hurt their parents. If she told the truth, Taryn was going to lose that connection with them. Her parents loved her. She knew that wouldn’t go away. But she also knew her mother could hold a grudge like a champion. When Taryn was in sixth grade, she’d watched her mom cut a longtime best friend from her life because the woman had said something rude about Taryn’s dad. There was no opportunity for forgiveness or discussion. Her mom was just done with the woman.
Taryn didn’t want her parents to be done with her. She wanted them to be happy, to find some peace. She’d spent so much of her life trying to give them that. She exhaled and rubbed her hands over her face, further smearing her already destroyed makeup. Could she really cut her parents out for the sake of a guy? That seemed so…messed up. She’d seen coworkers and friends in her life give up so much in the name of a man that it felt categorically against her life philosophy to do that. Anti-Taryn.
But was this really about a man? There was so much more on the line than that.
Taryn released a long breath. “I don’t know what to do, baby girl. I’ve messed this all up.”
This time, there were no birds to visit her or signs to guide her. She had to make the decision all on her own. No matter what she did, she was going to hurt someone.
Who was she going to protect?
The answer that whispered through her mind made her ache inside. She didn’t want to do it, but she had to.
She pulled her cell phone from her pocket, found the number of one of the reporters who’d called her, and made the call.
* * *
Shaw had made it to the coast, and after spending a restless night in a hotel, he’d taken care of all the final paperwork this morning for the RV. It was his. He’d emailed Rivers to let him know he was okay, but had otherwise kept his phone off.
That afternoon, after grabbing something to eat, he sat on a bench, staring out at the stretch of beach and the Gulf of Mexico beyond. A family was playing along the sand, tossing a football back and forth. The last time Shaw had come here, he’d been eleven or twelve. His parents had promised Joseph a beach vacation during the summer. Joseph had been begging for Florida, hoping for a stop at Disney World, but his parents had chosen Galveston instead because it was cheaper and Shaw had a competition in Houston. All their family vacations once he’d started gymnastics had revolved around where he had a competition.
Shaw remembered Joseph being happy on that trip, though. He could picture the two of them on the stretch of beach before him, throwing “snowballs” at each other made of wet sand. It’d taken days to get all the sand out of their hair. And while Shaw had swum in the surf, Joe had been set on collecting every hermit crab he could find. He’d wanted to start a colony. Their mom had reluctantly agreed to let him bring one home. Joe had snuck home three. Shaw could still remember his little brother’s tooth-missing grin when he’d pulled two shells from the pockets of his swim trunks when they’d gotten back to the hotel.
“Don’t tell,” Joe had whispered to Shaw. “I can’t just bring one home. That’s stupid. They need friends or they’ll be lonely.”
Lonely.
The word hit Shaw in the gut, and his hand flexed against the back of the bench. He didn’t realize it then, but it was so clear now. Joseph had been alone a lot. Always being dragged to Shaw’s events, left to occupy himself during long practices. Joseph had tried a few sports and even gymnastics, but he’d been gangly and had never grown out of the uncoordinated stage. Plus, he’d never been all that interested in sports and had preferred books and video games to keep himself busy—probably because he could do those by himself. Keeping friends had been a challenge. They’d moved a couple of times before settling in Long Acre, each time uprooting Joseph’s world but keeping Shaw’s relatively the same since he always had his friends at his gym.
Simple loneliness didn’t create what Joseph had become, but Shaw couldn’t pretend the seeds didn’t grow from there. What would his brother have been like if Shaw had been just a regular kid, equal to his brother in his parents’ eyes? What if he’d been more supportive of Joe instead of wrapped up in his own drive to get to the Olympics? The guilt was real and pervasive, but as he watched the family on the beach laugh and joke around with one another, so much more than that filled the corners of his heart. He felt the loss. The loss of what could’ve been.
Now they were all alone. Joseph was gone. His parents had separated. And he was here, back at the same beach, with no one to toss sand at. He would never have what that family in front of him had. No family trips. No marriage. No kids. There was no road to that. His experience in Austin had proved it. Maybe that was for the best. What did he know about marriage or kids? All he knew of them was how families looked when they fell apart, how they failed, how dangerous things could grow and fester right under the surface.
He glanced down at the laptop he’d set beside him. He’d written his statement to send to one of the reporters, explaining that he’d lied to Taryn and misled her, officially burning down what little normalcy he’d built in Austin. This was how it had to be.
But the selfish part of him refused to regret the time he’d spent there. He wouldn’t trade his time with Rivers and working at the gym, and he wouldn’t trade those two months with Taryn. He hated how things had turned out, but they’d given him a gift he could never repay. The anger that had pumped inside him for so damn long, the beast he’d fought so hard to keep tame, was quiet. He’d realized it when that reporter had pushed his way into his apartment. He’d been upset and angry, but he hadn’t lashed out. He’d stayed in control and handled the situation. He’d chosen the better path. He’d changed.
Maybe Joseph could’ve done that, too. Yes, he was damaged. Yes, Shaw should’ve handled so much with him differently. His parents shouldn’t have favored one child over the other, but in the end, Joseph had
made a choice. He hadn’t gone insane. He’d known what he was doing. He didn’t ask for help. He didn’t call someone. He very deliberately planned a massacre and executed it. Shaw wished that he could go back in time and intervene, not say what he’d said to his brother, but Joseph’s choice had been his own.
Joseph’s crime didn’t mean Shaw was destined to go down some dangerous path, too. It didn’t mean he was internally broken like he’d thought. Taryn had shown him that. She’d shown him that he was capable of happiness, of falling in love, of being a friend. He’d lean on those memories of her when he was out on the road. Once upon a time, he’d had the girl of his dreams and she’d found him worthy of her for a while. That would have to sustain him.
He’d find out-of-the-way places across the country and not bother anyone. He’d be alone. But at least he would go forward knowing he wasn’t a terrible person and that he had earned the right to grieve all he’d lost, too. Maybe after a while, he could even let go of some of the blame he’d carried around so long. Make peace with those mistakes.
But first, he had to protect the woman who’d given him that gift. He lifted the laptop and hit Send. The computer made the sound like mail going through a chute. No turning back now. It was official. The world would think he was just like Joseph.
But Taryn would be safe.
Shaw took one last look at the family on the beach, shut his laptop, and got to his feet. His RV was waiting. He’d pick up the last of his supplies, and then he’d say goodbye to Texas for the last time.
It was time to go.
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
Late that evening, Shaw trudged through the sand at the beachside RV resort, arms weighed down with grocery bags. People were scattered around in little groups, some cooking on outdoor grills, others drinking around a fire even though it was too warm for fires. In this part of Texas, you had to take a cool breeze as cold enough. Shaw nodded if people glanced his way but otherwise avoided looking at anyone and inviting conversation.