"Guilt again, Jared. You have to let it go. I’m not saying to forget but you can’t move forward if you keep looking back. You’ll keep tripping over the things in the future you don’t see because you’re looking back. You have five people depending on you, Jared. You can’t let them down."
"I already have. Kate was doing just fine with the kids before I came back into their lives. I should have just stayed away."
"I don’t think Kate would agree with you, buddy," Drake said.
"What do you mean?" Jared asked. "She wouldn’t be where she is today if I’d stayed away."
"She took a bullet for you, Jared. Doesn’t that tell you something about Kate and how she feels about you?"
Jared dropped his gaze to stare at the floor. He had focused so much attention on the fact that she’d been shot he hadn’t looked at the bigger picture. Why she’d been willing to take that bullet for him. Maybe it had been a death wish on her part. She’d told that guy they’d all be better off if she were dead. Jared hoped she didn’t truly believe that. She needed to fight now. Fight to pull through the surgery and to recover from this.
"I’ve been so incredibly stupid," Jared said with a sigh. "About everything in my life the past few months. Somehow I muddled through them and Katie forgave me my mistakes. Things were going really well until my stupidity took over again last night. I can’t imagine Katie will ever forgive me for this."
"I think Kate will forgive you, but will you forgive yourself?"
Jared sat silently for a few minutes before responding. "I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can forgive myself for all the havoc I’ve wreaked on innocent people’s lives. I’ve failed everyone who has depended on me."
Drake didn’t respond. He just sat there, his head bowed.
Jared closed his eyes again and tried to push aside the guilt but it wouldn’t go. Casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you. The verse popped into Jared’s mind. He opened his eyes and stared at the cross. Once again, he’d pushed God completely out of the picture. He’d made it all about himself. How he was going to deal with everything. The Lord was reminding him he didn’t need to bear it alone.
Even as Jared remembered the verse, he recalled the passage he and Katie had just studied the week before. Thankful for his good memory, Jared reached for the Bible that rested on the pew next to him. It took him a few minutes to find the verse he wanted to read.
When finally he found it in 2 Corinthians 12, Jared read it slowly to himself. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” He was definitely struggling with weakness today. And the overwhelming feelings of failure.
"Are you a Christian?" Drake asked quietly.
"Yeah.” Jared gave a sad laugh. "And isn’t it a shame you had to ask."
"What do you mean?" Drake’s brows pulled together giving him a fierce look.
"Shouldn’t my life have reflected that? Shouldn’t you have been able to tell without asking?" Jared closed the Bible and returned it to the pew next to him. "During all of this I barely gave God a passing thought. Oh, I prayed that He would get us out the situation we were in and that Katie wouldn’t die, but I never turned it all over to Him. Never surrendered control of the mission to Him."
"Surrendering control is a hard thing to do," Drake commented. "Even to God."
Jared turned to look at Drake, a puzzled look on his face. "Are you a Christian too?"
Now it was Drake’s turn to look a bit sheepish. "Yeah and I guess I haven’t been the best about showing it either. But I do know about guilt, and how it can eat you up inside if you don’t let it go. Acknowledge your mistakes and move on. Ask God for forgiveness and look forward, not back."
"You’ve been through this, haven’t you? You know what I’m feeling."
Drake nodded. "I do. The life I came out of loaded me down with guilt. Did you know I was married before Maylene?"
Jared shook his head.
"I had a wife and twin sons. They were beautiful, all of them. Sarah wanted me to leave the work I was doing, but I was caught up in the wealth and the thrill of it. But one time I went too far. I crossed a powerful man one too many times. His revenge was a bomb planted in our minivan. We were going to visit Sarah’s folks. I just had to make one more phone call, so I told Sarah to take the twins and start up the van." Drake’s expression was stark, the planes of his face seemed to sharpen with his grief. "I’ll never forget the sound and the heart-shattering moment I realized I had killed my family. That was guilt enough to kill any man."
"But you survived," Jared pointed out the obvious.
Drake nodded. "But not because I wanted to. Instead of pulling out of the dangerous work I was in, I threw myself into it. I was determined to get myself killed, determined to pay for my mistakes with my life."
"What happened?" Jared couldn’t believe the story Drake was telling him. This was truly a man who had walked the path Jared now trod.
"Maylene happened. A bad slip, or maybe intentional slip, on my part resulted in my capture while on a mission in the Middle East. While being held hostage, I met Maylene who was also being held. She was an aid worker who hadn’t left quickly enough when all workers were asked to leave the country they were working in. I watched her stick to her faith no matter what they did to her. And they did plenty. I watched them bring her back, her body almost broken, but her spirit still strong. How could I not want the peace and tranquillity she showed in the midst of such adverse circumstances?
"We began to talk, and Maylene shared the gospel with me. I couldn’t accept it at first. How could God forgive a man like me? A man who had signed the death warrant of his family through his own selfish desires. Maylene would quote verses to me, and I knew she prayed for me too. The verse that stuck most solidly in my head and my heart was "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” To know that I could hand everything over to God, my past mistakes and my guilt, was overwhelming. But He took all I offered and in return gave me a new life in Him. It hasn’t always been easy. Satan has many weaknesses in me to prey on, but God is my strength. He can be yours too, Jared. Let go and let God take control of your life and this situation."
Jared tried to absorb all Drake was telling him. Could he really truly be free from this guilt? Could he move forward knowing he had to live with the consequences of his actions but not the guilt?
"I’ll leave you alone now," Drake said as he stood, laying his hand on Jared’s shoulder. "If you have questions, I can’t promise answers but I’ll try and help as best I can. I know where you’re coming from and the struggles you’re facing. It won’t be easy but it is possible, if you let God be your strength."
Jared heard the door shut behind Drake as he tried to come to grips with everything. It almost felt wrong to give up the guilt. Steve and Jen had died. The kids would never again see their parents on this earth. Katie lay in an operating room, possibly dying. Why should he not have the pain of his guilt to deal with? It wasn’t right that he should get off scott-free.
But you won’t, a voice in his head reminded him. He would still have to live with the consequences. He’d lost a brother and sister-in-law whom he had loved dearly. He would have to take on the difficult task of raising four children. It was not going to be easy, but if he could do it without the guilt, it would probably be better for them all. He risked losing Kate altogether. The thought pained him more than anything else. Perhaps it would be guilt-free, but that didn’t mean it would be painless as well.
Jared bowed his head and slowly began to sift through his life, turning over every part of it to God. The sins, the mistakes, the guilt. But most of all, the control. He wanted God to be in control of his life now.
When Jared finally lifted his head, his eyes damp with tears, he felt as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. From his heart. With God’s strength he would help Kate and the kids get through this.
And if Kate would forgive him, together they’d build a strong marriage and family based on love for God and love for each other.
Jared stood and left the chapel. Drake and two other members of the team were in the waiting room when he got there. They looked up as he walked into the room. Jared’s gaze met Drake’s and a smile creased Drake’s rugged features. He stood and gave Jared a quick, hard embrace.
"The storm has quieted," Drake commented. Jared nodded.
"Has anyone talked to Darlene yet?"
"We let Scope know what was going on and he told her. She wanted to come to the hospital, but since the kids were still sleeping she couldn’t. What are we going to do about the kids? They’re going to have to be told."
"I know." Jared rubbed a hand across his forehead. "I’d like to wait until I have more definite answers from the surgery. Maybe I’ll have Darlene tell them that Katie and I had to go away. Hopefully they’ll go to school and then once I know what’s happening with Kate, I’ll pick them up."
"They’re going to know something’s wrong, Jared."
"What else can I do? I don’t want them to worry."
"Be honest with them. I can have Scope bring them here and you can talk to them. Not knowing will only make them worry more. At least the danger of the killer is passed."
"Is Garth dead? I never did hear."
Drake shook his head. "No, we made it out of this one with no deaths. Garth won’t be able to use his arm for a while, but he’s safely in police custody so it doesn’t matter."
"To think I trusted that guy." Jared gave a shake of his head. "If I hadn’t had so many other things on my mind I would have picked up on it. I’m sure of it."
"It doesn’t matter now, Jared. Move forward." Drake reminded him.
Jared nodded. "You’re right. I’ll deal with that situation when the trial comes. In the meantime, I have other things more important to focus on."
"So, do I have Scope bring Darlene and the kids?"
"I guess so. Maybe I can arrange to have a private room for us to talk in."
"I’ll take care of it." Drake went to the nurses’ station and soon returned with a nurse in tow. She led them down the hallway to a small but comfortably furnished room.
"Thanks," Jared said. "Will the doctor know to come here when he has some news?"
"I’ll tell him," the nurse assured him.
Once the nurse left them alone Jared turned to Drake. "You don’t need to stay. I’m sure you’re exhausted."
"I’m staying, but I think I’ll tell the other guys to go home."
"I need to thank them." Jared headed for the door but Drake laid a hand on his arm.
"They know you’re grateful. We’ll be getting together for a team meeting once everything has settled down. You can tell them then. For now just focus on the kids and Katie."
Jared paused, then nodded. He went and sat down on one of the wide cushioned chairs. Glancing at his watch Jared saw it was only six o’clock. His whole life had changed in the past eight hours.
Drake shoved a cup of coffee into his hand. "You could probably use the caffeine."
Jared gave him a weary smile of thanks and took a sip of the hot brew. It reminded him of the mornings he and Katie spent together. If it hadn’t been for their fight the night before they would have been getting up in about half an hour to start their day. Would they ever do that again? Jared wondered.
Trying to shake off the dourness of his thoughts, Jared turned to Drake. "So how did you and Maylene get out of that place?"
Drake, recognizing the distraction tactic for what it was, happily obliged. "I could see that Maylene was getting weaker. She’s a tiny thing to start with but living in those poor conditions just zapped the life out of her. By that time I knew my feelings for Maylene went far beyond that of fellow hostage. I suddenly had a new life. I wanted to be able to live it. With Maylene. It got harder and harder for me not to attack the guards when they would come for her. I was going out of my mind, so I did the only thing I knew how. I planned and plotted our escape.
"In the end it was much easier than I had thought it would be. The hardest part was keeping Maylene alive as we trekked through the jungle to safety. Maylene was in hospital for several days, but on the first day she was out, I proposed. And she turned me down flat."
"She did?" Jared asked, a grin stretching the weary muscles of his face for the first time in what felt like forever.
"Yep. And boy, was I shocked." Drake shook his head, a rueful smile on his face. "I never thought for a minute she didn’t return my feelings. As it was, she did, but she thought I was just proposing to her because I was thankful for what she’d done for me.
"It took a lot of talking and a fair amount of wooing before she finally said yes. Gotta admit, there’s something to be said about flowers, candy and dinners for two."
Jared thought about Katie. Had she wanted those things? Of course she had. Any dreams of a husband and family would have included the normal courtship traditions.
As he and Drake sat in silence waiting for more news, Jared began to plan the courtship of his wife. It felt like he’d waited an eternity when the door of the room opened and the same doctor he’d talked to earlier walked in.
Jared bolted to his feet. "How is she?"
"She’s stable." The doctor peeled off the cloth hat covering his head. "We removed the bullet which surprisingly enough had done very little damage. A little further down and it would have pierced the heart."
Jared closed his eyes at the thought, then opened them again. "She’s going to be okay?"
"It appears that way. She’s in recovery now. We’re still a bit concerned about the bump her head took, but there is no sign of bleeding around the brain. Once she wakes up that concern will lessen."
"Can I see her?" Jared asked desperately.
The doctor nodded. "She’ll probably still be out of it for another hour or so, but you can see her if you don’t stay too long."
Jared followed the doctor down the corridor and into the elevator. His heart pounded as the doctor led him to the bed where Katie lay.
She looked so still. Her face almost the same color as the white bandages on her head.
"You’re sure she’s okay?" Jared glanced at the doctor and then back at Katie.
"She’s stable," he repeated. "She lost a lot of blood."
As the doctor left the room, Jared sat down on a chair next to the bed and reached for Kate’s hand. Her fingers were limp in his grasp, and cool. He covered her hand with both of his trying to warm it up.
Gradually her fingers began to warm a bit so he put that hand down and did the same to the other. All the while he prayed for her to wake up. From what the doctor said it seemed that her regaining consciousness was an important step.
"Come on, Katie," Jared urged. "Come back to us. We need you! We love you."
There was no response from Katie, just the hiss and whir of the machines in the room. Bowing his head, Jared clasped her hand between his and held it against his forehead.
"God, please touch Katie’s body and heal her. I have so much to tell her. I need her. The kids need her. Don’t take her from us. The kids have lost so much already. Don’t put them through this. Please." Jared’s throat tightened and he couldn’t go on. He fought back the tears that threatened to fall again. He needed to be strong.
Jared sat unmoving at Kate’s side for what felt like another eternity. He willed his strength into her and watched for the slightest sign that she was coming around.
Finally his waiting was rewarded. Kate moaned softly, and her fingers flexed against his. Jared sat up straight and leaned over her.
"C’mon, Katie! Can you squeeze my fingers?" Jared felt another small movement in his hand and hope filled his heart. "Open your eyes, sweetie. Let me see those beautiful gray eyes."
Her lashes fluttered slightly and again Katie moaned. Jared hated knowing how much pain she must be in from the gunshot and the wound on her head.
&nb
sp; Jared continued to talk softly to her as he rang the call button. A nurse came in and he explained to her about Katie’s movements. She hurried away and soon the doctor he’d seen earlier came in.
Reluctant to release her, Jared continued to hold Kate’s hand even as he moved out of the doctor’s way so he could examine her. A smile broke across his face when he saw Kate’s eyes finally open.
"Welcome back, Katie." Jared leaned close hoping against hope he wouldn’t see anger in her eyes. Would she remember all that had happened?
"Jared?" Her voice rasped unnaturally low.
"Yes, I’m here."
After shining a light in each eye and asking her a couple of questions, the doctor turned to Jared. "I think we can safely say that your wife has turned the corner. She’ll stay here in recovery for a little while longer and then she’ll be moved to her room."
The doctor left them then, and Jared moved to sit in the chair closest to the head of the bed. "Are you in a lot of pain, Katie?"
"Yes. Everywhere hurts." Kate lifted a hand to her head, her fingers grazing the bandage. "What happened?"
"Do you remember anything?" Jared asked.
Katie’s eyes slid shut again.
"Katie?" Jared worried about her falling asleep again so soon.
"Just thinkin’," Katie said, a slight smile lifting one corner of her mouth.
Relief filled Jared. At least she was still smiling.
"I remember...the fight we had and then feeling the cloth cover my face." Her brow furrowed and she winced in pain. "He was going to shoot you."
"Yes, but you stopped the bullet instead," Jared told her. "And you hit your head on your way to the floor."
"That explains the pain."
"I’m sure you’re going to feel pain for a few days to come, unfortunately."
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