“No. We can’t do that. It’s too soon and,” what I’m about to say next isn’t what I really want – what I just said isn’t what I want, but I know I’m about to really hurt them. “We don’t really know if we’re going to last anyway.”
The look on their faces slices into me. Whit looks genuinely sad and I know it’s real because he rarely reveals his true feelings. They don’t say anything, and I don’t want to have them staring at me, so I say what I need to say, so I can leave.
“I think it’s best if we take a break,” I continue, trying to keep my voice strong. “I need space and we can’t keep up what we’ve been doing now that my Dad is in the office – even if he’s only here part-time. I’m sorry.”
I walk out, not waiting to say goodbye.
I managed to hold back my tears, but when I run to the bathroom and lock myself in, they all come streaming out. Thankfully, I didn’t put on any makeup this morning, so that’s one less thing for me to worry about. I don’t want to push them away, but I can’t think about how to deal with the two of them as well as my father. I need to focus on one thing and that’s my family. Even if not doing what my heart wants hurts me so deeply, it’s physically affecting me. I wipe away the tears and buck-up. I can’t sit in the bathroom crying all day. I’ll just take it all step by step and day by day.
Chapter Eighteen:
Zane
After Chloe left the office, Whit and I just stood there, frozen. She said that she wanted to take a break. It sounded more like she wanted to break up. Whit and I weren’t only devastated, but we’re also frustrated. I don’t understand why she’s doing this. The past few days have been amazing! I can kind of understand her desire to please Jack, but at the expense of her own happiness?
“What do we do now?” I ask Whit, my whole body suddenly feeling very heavy and depressed.
Whit is typically better at these kinds of things. And what I mean by that is when something makes me feel overly emotional, Whit can think a little more rationally. I’m hoping and praying that he has a clear-cut way for us to get her back.
“I don’t know. Is there a way for us to convince her to change her mind?” Whit looks just as lost as I do. Damn! He’s rarely ever in a state like this and it’s got me thinking that we really might not have a way to get her back.
“But what would we do?” I sound as desperate as I feel. “She says she can’t be with us because of Jack. What is there to do about that?”
The answer is nothing. When it comes to Jack, we can’t mess with it. He’s a large influence in our lives and we’re not going to do anything to mess up our relationship with him.
“There is nothing for us to do, Zane.,” Whit snaps, and then pounds his fist into his desk. “We have to respect her decision and if she comes back to us, it has to be her choice. We can’t pressure her.”
I fully agree. There’s no way the two of us can just push our way into her life. We’ll just have to wait but, I don’t know how long we can wait before we become sullen. We’ve been going for a few minutes and the two of us are already getting sad.
“You’re right. We’ll have to wait for her to be ready and whatever happens, happens,” I say, trying to convince myself more than Whit. My voice wavers and I nervously run my hands through my hair.
It feels too lackadaisical a thought to be thinking regarding Chloe. I don’t want to act like either way I’ll be fine because I know if she doesn’t come back to us, I’m going to be a mess. The thought really bothers me.
“Does that mean if she doesn’t come back, we just… let her go?” I ask him.
Whit takes a few seconds to think and then agrees. “Yeah. If she doesn’t want to be with us, then we’ll have to move on and leave her alone.”
He takes a deep breath like he’s digesting what he’s said. I’m having a bit of a hard time accepting that truth. I don’t think she’s completely through with us. I don’t want to think she is through with us. There has to be hope. The way she was acting when she was telling us about Jack and needing space, I could tell she was nervous. Something in her was holding back and while I don’t know what she wasn’t telling us, I do know there is more to the story.
Chapter Nineteen:
Whit
It’s been four weeks since Chloe asked for her space. With each passing day, I’ve become surlier and surlier. Usually, I’m a lot better at dealing with my moods, but nowadays I’m barely getting by. Zane is feeling the same way. We’ve been ignoring it and letting her do her thing, not wanting to pressure her into getting back together. If she comes back, I want her to come back because she wants to be with us, not out of pity or because we’ve worn her down.
Most nights, I’m either at my apartment alone, looking for things to pass the time or I go to Zane’s house and we either work out or I’ve been trying to teach him to cook. The working out has actually helped release a lot of the tension I’ve been feeling. Sometimes, we hit the weights for hours – getting rid of all the pent-up emotions inside of me. Zane and I barely even talk about Chloe, we just concentrate on lifting weights or the next recipe Zane wants to try. Since we’re not going to do anything to get her back, there’s nothing, but bittersweet memories. We’re simply doing our best in order to move forward.
Today isn’t any better. Chloe only talks to us when it’s absolutely necessary, getting files for cases or any work-related questions. All I want to do is be with her and she’s so close, but there isn’t much I can do. Whenever we ask her about anything outside of work – even if it’s about how her night was – she’s elusive as hell. And now, she’s only working with her father. Obviously, Jack sees nothing weird, so we can’t just go up to him and ask if we can start working with Chloe again. He’ll probably think we just all get along, but I’m damn sure Zane or I will slip up and then Jack will know what’s really going on. Something we can’t have accidentally slip out. If we’re all going to be together then we need to tell Jack about it in a proper way. But that’s not a problem because she wants her space and if she wants to be alone, she gets to be alone.
I’m going to the breakroom to get my morning coffee. Work has actually been going great for Zane and me lately. The Zimmer case was a wrap and that solidified our position with them. We’re now on retainer. Really, all of our clients are more than satisfied with our service and they’ve been telling all their friends. That’s been keeping me busy at least, but this morning – this morning feels particularly hard. Nothing specific happened, I just woke up in a bad mood – everything snowballing into this perfect moment of a pissed off Whit. I’m hoping coffee will help. It probably won’t, but what’s the harm in trying.
When I get to the breakroom, the place is empty, and I go to the coffee maker. The coffee pot is dry, so I start making a new pot. I rummage through the cabinets for a new filter and pour an excessive amount of coffee into it. While my cup is brewing, I think about everything I need to get done for the day and, to my surprise, Chloe walks in. Usually, she’s so much better at keeping our movements separate. We’ve barely crossed paths since the split. I’m about to ask her an innocent question, hoping to segue into something deeper, but Chloe only looks at me for a few moments before running back out the door. It seems she’s gone from artful dodging to simple running away at the mere sight of me. Things aren’t getting better, they’re just getting worse.
I go to Zane and sadly sit in the chair across from him at his desk. I tell him about my breakroom encounter with Chloe, ending on her unceremonious dash out the door.
“…and she just ran right out the door without a single word. It’s like the sight of me freaks her out.”
Zane looks concerned and he suggests what I’ve been dreading might happen.
“What if she really is done with us?” he suggests.
The demeanor we’ve been getting the past four weeks would suggest that. There’s been no anything from her, just cold shoulder. And today has really hammered the final nail in the coffin. I hadn’t even
said a word before she bolted.
“I don’t know,” I reply, in denial. “I don’t want to believe that she hates us so much. That mere sight of our faces sends her running? Something is up. I can feel it.” Maybe if she had come into the breakroom and we had a boring conversation, I’d be more open to hearing about Chloe being fully and completely done with the both of us. But her running makes me think there is something else going on.
“Do you think we should talk to her?” Zane raises his eyebrows, hopeful. “Maybe if we can get her to talk to us and I mean really talk to us, we can get to the root of the problem.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “We should at least try to change her mind at least once. I won’t forgive myself if I don’t take one more chance to win her back.”
Zane nods, on board with my plan. We decide that tonight, after work, we’re going to go over to the guesthouse and sit Chloe down for a heart-to-heart. I need to at least hear from her before I can truly walk away. If I don’t get some types of closure, I’m going to be stuck on this moment of my life for way too long. So, here’s to one last try!
Chapter Twenty:
Chloe
It’s been four weeks since I broke things off with Whit and Zane. I’ve been questioning my decision ever since I made it. There’s no way to go back in time and change how I ended things, so now I’m just thinking about everything I’ve done wrong. While it’s been going well working with my Dad, I’ve been basically miserable. I miss them so much, it’s been getting me all knotted up inside. But I can’t have a secret relationship while my Dad is right here. I could never betray him so brazenly. I know that that is exactly what I was doing when Whit, Zane and I were seeing each other while my Dad was away, but it just feels so much worse with him here. That’s what I mean by ‘brazenly.’
I probably could have pushed harder for my Dad to go back on his yacht – and not just because I want to be with Whit and Zane – but he really does need the time off. He needs to realize that working at the firm isn’t doing him any good. Ever since Mom died, working at the low offices hasn’t really been working for it. He needs something else to occupy his time with. I was hoping to maybe help him with that after he retired – get him something to do with his time like volunteering or being a grandfather. I don’t know, maybe being at the firm part-time is what he needs. At least he’s taking more of a step back. But even so, I couldn’t try and convince him because deep down I knew I had ulterior motives. If he left I would immediately start seeing the boys again and the guilt would eat me up. I like to think I wouldn’t be sneaky like that, but I would do it if it meant being able to freely see Whit and Zane again.
Coming into work today wasn’t easy either. I was hoping after some time, I would start to feel better about my decision, but it’s only gotten worse. There’s something deep inside of me not letting me be happy. Sounds depressing, right? Well… it is… At this point, I just want to get through the summer, so I can quit working here and go somewhere where I can easily avoid Whit and Zane. Running away from confrontation has kind of become my thing. It’s so much easier to not deal with things than to actually deal with them. That’s just logical.
However, there is a small problem. This morning, I was going to the breakroom and, when I walked in, Whit was making himself a cup of coffee, looking so sexy and sweet. He had on a sweater and nicely pressed pants and everything was just perfectly fitted to his body. I wanted to smack his butt and wrap my legs around him. He smiled at me and I could see the gears turning in his head. He was about to say something – something that would probably chip away at the walls I’ve put up – but my stomach turned, and I needed to get out of there.
Before Whit was able to get one word out, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I hadn’t eaten too much for breakfast, so it wasn’t too bad. But it’s not the first time I’ve gotten sick. It’s been happening for about a week or so. At first, I couldn’t pinpoint what the cause was. I thought maybe a cold or the flu, but it’s summer, so that’s unlikely. And then I thought that maybe I have food poisoning, but that usually results in throwing up once and feeling better, so that was crossed off. But then I was late on my period and a possible cause had been found.
It’s not totally outside of the realm of possibility that I’m pregnant. It’s actually really fucking possible. When I remember all the sexual encounters I had with Whit and Zane, we never used a condom, not once – which was super dumb of us. It’s not that I didn’t trust they were clean – they would have never done something like that to me – but it doesn’t matter how clean someone is, they can still get you pregnant. It’s literally Sex Ed 101. I’m supposed to be smart and I never thought to bring up condoms while having sex with two men. They came inside of me so many times and, for whatever reason, no one was like, “maybe we should wrap up those dicks.” What Whit and Zane don’t know is I haven’t been on birth control since I left college. I’d been meaning to do it, but I hadn’t gotten to changing my doctor and it didn’t feel like a big deal to me because I wasn’t planning on having sex and I thought I could wait. And what I really hadn’t planned for was Zane and Whit sweeping me off my feet and me tumbling into a relationship. Literally, the idea of protection never crossed my mind. It was stupidity, pure and simple.
All day, I’ve distracted by the idea that I might be pregnant, and I can barely get anything done. Thankfully, no one’s been checking on me. Whit and Zane have been going along with my ignoring them and my Dad doesn’t feel the need to give me much oversight.
I’m at my desk, bouncing my foot up and down as I watch the clock slowly move to five. Each second feels like it’s taking an entire minute. I do my best to stay focused when someone is talking to me, but outside of that, I am zoning out. My mind keeps refocusing back to my little problem. I’ve got a test waiting for me at home and, when I get back, I plan on taking it and finding out if my hunch is right.
***
The day finally comes to an end and I rush home, throwing everything on the couch and heading straight for the bathroom. There I find the test waiting where I had left it. I do what I need to do and then I take a seat on the toilet and wait. I set a timer on my phone and began taking deep breaths. I’m a little over two hundred breaths in when the timer on my phone goes off. I say a little prayer, not sure what result I’m hoping for. When I look down, I see it’s positive and everything just pauses for a few seconds.
I don’t know how to feel. Happy? I’ve always wanted children and I just got my wish. Horrified? I’m an unattached young woman and I don’t know if Zane or Whit is the baby’s father. Panicked? This is hella unplanned and while I know you can never really be fully prepared to have a child, I am the furthest thing from being ready for this. And, oh my god, I’m going to have to tell my Dad. I’m going to have to tell so many people that I’m having a baby and they are all going to judge me. I am not ready to be judged by a bunch of people. I can barely take being judged by my own brain.
I keep thinking about everything I’m going to have to do and go through. There’s so much shit you have to do when you’re going to have a baby. There’s doctor visits and shopping for baby stuff and I’ll be doing it by myself, right? I don’t even know if Whit and Zane want kids. When I had brought it up, they didn’t look horrified, but that doesn’t mean they’re all in to have a kid right now. Their lives aren’t structured for children. But I can’t just hide it from them, can I? I’ll have to figure this out later because there’s a knock at the door. It takes me out of the moment and gives me a reason to push all my worries to the back of my mind for a little bit. I slip the test into my pocket without really thinking. I don’t need it anymore, but I’m not done staring at it and contemplating my future.
I open the door and find Zane and Whit standing there. I immediately get tense. This is not what I need today. I’m already having a mess of a moment and then these two show up, devastating me because I know I want to see them. I shouldn’t, but all I want to do is jump into their arms
and have them love me. Why can’t it all be simple? My heart, my brain, and my body are all fighting with one another and all I get is dismay.
“Chloe! We’re so glad you’re home.” Zane smiles at me.
I look at them suspiciously, guessing at what they want and not sure if I’m ready to give it. With everything going on, I’m not thinking straight. I can’t have my emotions even further complicated by their presence.
I keep the door only slightly ajar and ask them, “What do you want?” I keep my voice flat and cold because I need them to leave. I want them to stay, but I need them to leave. There’s some shit I’ve got to work through first.
“We want to talk to you, Chloe.” Whit tries to look into the house, but I keep my body blocking the small space between the door and the frame. There’s nothing I’m hiding that they could see just by looking inside, but this pregnancy business has me all defensive. It definitely feels weird hiding something like this, but I’m not at a point where I want to share.
“I told you guys I needed some space. I’ll talk to you when I want to talk to you.” I can tell my lame excuses aren’t going to work anymore, but there’s no harm in trying. I am proving to be a better liar than expected, though.
“We don’t want to sit around just waiting. We want to have a talk and then if you still hate us, we’ll leave you alone. I promise.” Zane is doing most of the talking and Whit is watching me intensely. His gaze always has this way of unnerving me. He knows exactly how to make me squirm, no matter how far away he’s standing from me.
I’ve missed these guys for so long. I miss the way they interact with me and how I feel when I’m around them. I can’t go on ignoring them. I step aside, so the door can be swung open and Whit and Zane walk in. They go to stand in the middle of the living room. I stay by the door, leaning against it for support. I’m already getting weak, having them back in my house, but if I want this to go smoothly, I’ll need to stand my ground. I’ll just have to ignore how beautiful their sexy faces are and how much I want them to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I can be strong.
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