This lady is weird.
“That’s how it was back when I started,” she finally continues, her hands still now. “But then Asher Marks decided to make a mentorship program. This from the man who never did a thing for anyone but himself. And why should he have to?”
She’s looking at me like she expects me to answer. I nod, encouraging her to continue so that I don’t have to talk.
“He shouldn’t have to,” she says, answering her own question. “The firm exists because of him. He doesn’t have to spend time doing anything but billing very profitable hours for the few clients rich enough to hire him. And then he could go off mountain climbing or trail running or whatever it is that he does in his spare time.”
“Right.”
She reaches behind her head and scratches her neck with a pen. Then she tries to tie back some of her dark, unruly hair but it doesn’t exactly cooperate.
“So you should just take some time and think about why this man who doesn’t have to help anyone— and never had— suddenly was interested in starting a mentorship program. And I’m not saying it hasn’t benefited associates,” she adds. “Or that it wasn’t a good thing. A needed thing. But just think about it. And think about how all of his associates are young, attractive women.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I can’t think of anything else to say that wouldn’t give me away.
Jealous, I think.
I’m relieved that she doesn’t seem to know what happened between Asher and me. And that there is obviously bad blood between her and Asher, that she’s unnecessarily involving me in.
If only she knew I had turned him down— kind of— and that’s why I’m sitting here in this office and assigned to work under her when I’m not banished to Cubicle Hell. But I’m not about to give away any information.
“I don’t usually get to warn the new mentees,” she tells me, looking as if she wants to pat herself on the back. “By the time Asher Marks gets to them, they’re like little hypnotized zombies. But you— Madilyn— you’re different. I knew there was something different about you, and I have a feeling you might be receptive to what I’m saying. That might be why Mr. Marks doesn’t have the time to work with you right now, in fact.”
“I see,” I say.
It’s hard to keep thinking of things to say that sound short and disinterested, while still being polite.
Just when I think that Janice is finished talking to me, she swivels in her chair and says, “And just be aware of the Old Boys’ Club.”
“The Old Boys’…” I trail off, not wanting to invite her to say more, but not really knowing what she means.
“Oh come on, Madilyn, don’t be naive. Everyone knows there’s an old boys club here. Almost all of the partners are men, and they all hang out with each other and do everything together, without ever inviting any women.”
“I see,” I repeat.
“So you just don’t want to alienate yourself from the few female partners who are here,” she continues. “Females in this profession and this firm get a very bad rap. They lure us in with a great benefits package, including paid maternity leave and time off for family, but if we actually take advantage of those benefits, we’re looked down upon by the Powers That Be, who are all male, and who judge us for failing to bill our requisite two thousand hours one year because we had a baby that year. Or a sick mother we have to take care of. Et cetera. You get my drift.”
I’m extremely confused as to what this has to do with Asher, but I say nothing except for another “I see.”
I suppose maybe Janice thinks we have female solidarity, in the sense that I’m being forced to be her mentee and she was able to “warn me” about my former mentor.
“I'm glad we had this talk,” she says, swiveling her chair back around to angle towards her computer, which I hope means I get to leave soon.
But she continues, of course.
“I just want you to take it to heart. I’m here to help you further your career. And Asher Marks has a lot of enemies. Sure, he also has a lot of clout because he’s a top rainmaker, but money isn’t everything. Some people think Mr. Marks is bad news. He’s in it for himself. He’s not a team player. Et cetera. You don’t want to get wrapped up with someone like that. Not to mention the issue of him being a little bit of a... playboy, if you know what I mean.”
Ah-ha. So here it is.
She sounds jealous on a personal level.
“I understand, Ms. Maloney,” I tell her.
“Call me Janice,” she says. “I’m not that much older than you.”
I decide to ignore the obvious hint of bitterness in her voice.
“I just want to work with all the different partners and I hope that all of you will like me,” I continue.
“Asher Marks not liking you is not what I’m concerned about,” Janice replies, looking back down at the stack of papers in her lap as if dismissing me from the conversation. “It’s quite the opposite, in fact.”
Well don’t worry about that, I want to tell her. I already fucked that up.
But instead I just tell her, “I'm glad we had this talk. Thanks for the help.”
“Anytime. And on your way out, please tell Alice that she’s needed in here. I can’t find any of the papers I need. I swear I was just working on them right here…”
She disappears under a pile of papers and I say, “Okay, I will. Thanks, Janice.”
I have to pass Asher’s office on my way back down to the paralegals’ floor. When I had walked by on my way to Janice’s office, he wasn’t in there. Now, I see him at his desk, typing at his computer. I want to linger, to give him a chance to say something to me.
Maybe this change is just temporary. He’s just trying to teach me not to disobey him. And maybe he has gotten through to me. I’d do almost anything to be back in his office, rather than listening to Janice’s cryptic lectures and life lessons.
But I continue on my way. I made my decision, and he clearly made his.
Now I just have to move on and focus on my career the way I’m supposed to. As soon as I can get Asher Marks out of my head.
Chapter 24 – Asher
I climb the large boulder, slow and steady. I make good progress, and remain patient as I find and grip each hold in front of me.
One rock at a time.
That’s how I handle climbing, and life in general.
Even though I’m feeling restless and frustrated, I have to remember my motto. And my rules. They keep me on track and keep my head in the right place, even when my emotions try to take over.
My afternoon arbitration resolved earlier than I’d expected it to, so I’d headed to the mountains. This is usually the one place I feel serene, in my own element.
But today it doesn’t seem to be helping much.
I’d watched Madilyn on the firm security camera earlier today. I saw her reading an email from her supposed ex boyfriend. Things had looked promising when she’d broken up with him earlier on. But it now it looks as if they might be getting back together.
Her ex had said he’d wanted to talk and she’d agreed. How foolish of me to fall for a woman of such weak resolve.
I haven’t fallen for her, I remind myself, as I climb higher on the boulder, my foot secure in its hold while my hand grabs the next rock. I never fall.
I’d tried to put off making any decisions, but I know that doing so was a decision in and of itself. And a bad one too. So when I saw that Madilyn was again becoming entangled with her ex, I did what I’d been putting off but had known for a while now I’d needed to do.
I’d let Janice know that I was shuffling the mentors and needed her help. I knew she’d want to take on Madilyn because she had complained that Madilyn lacked work.
I’m sure she was dying for the chance to warn Madilyn away from me, although she didn’t know it was already a moot point. But I won’t go out of my way to save her any time or breath. Janice is a save-the-world type person. And she has always been jealo
us that I picked a different associate to mentor when she was new here.
I also knew that there was no love lost between Janice and her current mentee, Mandy Calderon. So even if Janice would have turned out to be reluctant to switch, she would have done it anyway.
Janice might act like she fucking hates me, but she always ends up doing what I tell her to anyway. Just like everyone else at the firm does. They all have to do what I say but Janice has always wanted me. That much is fucking obvious.
As I reach the top of the boulder and swing my legs over it, I reapply my climbing chalk from the bag hooked onto the harness around my waist and then wipe some sweat from my brow. I feel the familiar twinge of satisfaction in my muscles that comes with having completed a climb. And the anticipation I always feel at the thought of climbing back down.
But I’m still more restless than usual. I remove my water bottle from the carabiner attached to my harness and gulp down the water while I reassess the situation.
I’m mad at myself for only temporarily, instead of permanently, reassigning Madilyn to Janice. Why did I leave that door open instead of slamming it permanently closed?
Madilyn is too dominant of a personality to be my mentee. Obviously, if I give her an inch, she’ll want to take a fucking mile.
So why did I even leave open the possibility of giving her a millimeter? Why do I have such a soft spot for her?
You don’t, I tell myself, as I take a deep breath and then begin climbing back down the boulder.
If I think it, I can do it.
This is another motto that has served me well, during many trips on distant mountain climbing expeditions as well as in my personal and professional life. It has seen me through cases I thought for sure I would lose but ended up winning. And it helped me gather the strength to leave my miserable marriage and to change what I knew was wrong with me that had allowed me to put up with mistreatment for so long in the first place.
I’m never the vulnerable one. I’m always in the position of power. I make the decisions, and the rules.
And I’m not about to change that for Madilyn St. Clair, no matter how much I’m tempted to make a fucking exception.
Chapter 25 – Madilyn
THREE DAYS LATER
I’m summarizing a deposition in an oil and gas case for Janice, when the doorbell rings. Startled, I look at the clock and wonder how it already got to be so late.
I hurry to tidy up my case files so that there’s room at the table. This work is rather boring and a paralegal could do it. I long to be back on the cases that Asher had assigned me.
Janice is local counsel for a large gas company. That means she’s lowest on the pecking order and has to do a lot of busywork, which she assigns to associates like Kim and me. But Asher’s clients pay big money for him to represent them, and he does the important things in all of their commercial litigation cases.
How could I have ruined such an exciting personal and professional opportunity to work with Asher? I wonder, as I stand up to get the door.
All I had to do was wear the fucking outfit.
And who knows what else after that.
But that’s the exciting part.
It feels strange to open the door to Jimmy, who used to live here and who would always just walk right in. We’d set up a time this evening to meet and talk, although I’m beginning to realize it wasn’t the best idea.
In fact, I’ve known that all along but I just started to feel bad. And bored. Very bored.
I’m aghast to see that he’s carrying flowers.
“Hi,” he says, awkwardly half hugging me while handing me the bouquet at the same time.
“Hi.”
He snaps a picture of me with his cell phone.
“What did you do that for?” I ask him, annoyed.
“So I can show my mom how much you like the flowers,” he says with a grin. “She helped me pick them out for you. She says to say hi.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Leave it to Jimmy to need to take a picture for Mommy Dearest. And to bring her up as a way to guilt trip me no doubt.
Sure, his parents were very helpful to me after my dad died. But I soon noticed he was way too much of a mama’s boy to do anything without consulting with her first. I also never appreciated her not-so-subtle hints about when Jimmy and I were going to get married or have kids. I don’t even think I want kids, which never went over well with her.
“Tell her I say hi too,” I respond, but just to be nice.
His hair looks blonder but when he catches me noticing it I make sure to shift my gaze away. I don’t want him to think I’m still into him.
“I’ve been outside, tanning a lot, getting back into shape,” he says, as if I had mentioned something about the way he looks, when I hadn’t. “Anything to kill the boredom. And loneliness. You know?”
I shrug, not wanting to acknowledge that I had just been thinking the same thing. I walk over to the kitchen and ask him if he wants anything to drink, just to avoid having to answer his question.
“Got any beer?” he asks, a mischievous grin spreading across his face.
Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I reach towards the back of the fridge and pull out one of the Guinesses he’d left here when he moved out. I slide it across the kitchen counter at him but once he picks it up he heads over to the couch.
I had assumed we would sit at the kitchen table.
“What about you, what have you been up to?” he asks.
Showing my boss my panties and letting him play with my pussy before he demotes me anyway, I think, but I just say, “Oh you know, just work.”
“How’s it going?” he asks. “How do you like the new job?”
“It’s going pretty well,” I answer, vaguely.
I pour some water from my Brita filter pitcher into a glass.
“And what is the lady having?” Jimmy asks me, as I reach for some lemon to add to my drink.
“Water,” I announce.
As I squeeze the lemon into my glass of water, his face falls.
“I just want to have a nice relaxing evening…” he begins, and I know I have to cut this off before it goes any further.
“Jimmy,” I say, walking over to the living room.
He scooches over and motions for me to sit down next to him on the couch but I pretend not to notice this gesture and I sit down in the recliner instead.
As he looks at me, with a mixture of hope and disappointment in his eyes, I lose my nerve. I never should have agreed to talk to him, as I knew I would only end up hurting him more.
“Let’s just watch TV, then,” I say. “That’s relaxing.”
He shrugs, letting me know that TV-watching isn’t what he had had in mind.
I turn on the remote and flip through the channels, realizing there’s nothing on that both of us would enjoy watching. Jimmy always watches sports and plays sports video games. I’m not much of a fan of either one.
“Are any of our shows still on the DVR?” he asks.
I look at him. We had a few favorite shows we’d watch together each week, and they’ve been recording in his absence. I haven’t watched them because I’ve been too busy but I know he will assume it’s because they would make me miss him too much.
That used to be the case the last few times we’d broken up, but not this time. All I can think about this time is Asher Marks.
I’m not about to watch them with him now. I know what he’s trying to do. Lead me back into our old activities as if we’re still a couple and hope that by the time I notice what he’s doing I’ll be too far in and I’ll want to be back together.
I have no choice but to tell him what I should have told him when he first asked to meet and “talk.”
“I’m beginning to think this wasn’t a good idea,” I tell him. “I want to make sure you’re doing okay. I want us to be friends. I just…”
I’m just preoccupied with my older, rich, domineering boss.
“You just don�
�t feel that way about me anymore?” he guesses, his head hanging down.
And this is one of the reasons I never felt the right way about him, I realize. He’s pouty and compliant, whereas Asher— as arrogant as he may come across— is a take charge type of guy.
“Jimmy, I guess I don’t really have anything to talk to you about today,” I tell him. “What about you? What exactly did you want to talk about?”
He shrugs again. I know this meeting was never really about talking. We have already said all that there is to say.
“Look, if you want to catch up sometime, hang out as friends, that’s cool,” I tell him. “We could go have dinner somewhere.”
He looks up at me, too hopeful.
“Like at Applebee's,” I rush to clarify.
No romantic candlelit dinners for us. Not that there ever were many.
“I just think it’s not a good idea to be back in our…”
He stands to leave and I’m grateful I don’t have to finish my thought. Our house we used to live in together. Our familiar patterns. Our TV shows. Our non-existent sex life.
“Well next time just tell me you don’t want to talk then,” he says, like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
“Fair enough.”
This time I’m the one who shrugs. He takes another chug of his beer and then sets the half empty bottle down rather harshly, beside the flowers that he’d brought me.
“You can finish that if you want,” he says. “I know you’ve never been much of a beer drinker. But there are a lot of things about you that have changed. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
As he walks out, I know I should feel offended— he clearly meant to offend me— but I only feel relief.
And urgency. And crazy, reckless, passionate desire.
I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the need to be with Asher. He has what I’ve been looking for, even if I don’t know exactly what that is. I have a feeling that he’ll know exactly what it is that I need though, and also that he’ll know exactly how to give it to me.
Even though I’m pretty certain it’s not the best career move, I just can’t live with myself if I don’t find out what Asher Marks has in store for me.
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