Back then, my youngest sister was kind enough to write to me and tell me of the proceedings. They lay Mam in the front parlor. All the village came to pay respects. Da was beside himself with grief and fell hard into a bottle he did not climb out of for months. She told me there was no need for me to come. Mam had been laid to rest before she ever put pen to paper. I was too late.
And now, in a cruel repeat of my family tradition, I find that my last sibling is put to rest without my ever knowing that she had passed. The truth of it is that I will not miss her. Nor the rest of my family. The betrayal complete. They turned me out, and upon their decision to stay in Ireland, I became dead to them. For many a year, the only time I have been considered is when they want from me. A sponsorship for someone in the village. A donation to the church there. A mass needing to be said. Last I was told, everyone was in fine form. Now this. I have decided to dedicate myself to my chosen family. Mother Church and those that I have come to know here in my chosen homeland.
The shame that I brought to them seems to be based on convenience. When it is something they want, my shame is ignored. When there is nothing they want from me, I am a fallen woman. We shall see if I can fulfill that title.
I noticed that I do share at least one trait with Bernie. She seemed to slip in and out of the present. I did that. I’d be talking about times long past one minute, and the next I’d talk as if no time passed at all. I couldn’t tell you how many times my mother asked me if I possessed a time machine.
I wonder if that played any part in why I couldn’t seem to get my brain around everything with the past as far as Bernie was concerned.
I didn’t really believe in repressed memories.
I had a really bad memory all my life. I didn’t remember much of anything, really. My family talked about all the stuff I’d done as a kid, but I remembered their stories more than the actual events. It used to scare me. I went to the doctor once. She told me that some people just didn’t index their memories well and that the memories were just kind of lost until something or someone triggered something. It wasn’t that I forgot; it was that I didn’t access the information until it was relevant.
Still, I hadn’t thought about the stuff that opening the trunk brought back up for me.
It was kind of like the whole spy thing. You ask a real spy if they’re a spy, and they are going to say no. You ask someone that isn’t a spy if they’re a spy, and they’re going to say no. If you ask someone if they are a spy and they say yes, chances are good they aren’t a spy at all.
If you didn’t remember, then how could you know you’d repressed a memory? If you remembered, then it wasn’t repressed. If you kind of remembered, but only after something brought it to your attention, maybe it wasn’t a repressed memory at all. Maybe it was a planted memory. I read something about that once. Or did Teagan tell me about it?
See!
Anyway, back to the journal. With this entry, there was no picture. Poor Bernie. To be abandoned by your whole family like that. I couldn’t imagine it.
My phone rang before I could put anymore thought into it.
It was Sinead. “Hey.”
“Hi. What’s up?”
“I need some help.”
“What can I do?”
“Did Mom invite you over to dinner on Sunday?”
“Yep.”
“I think she’s going to make the big announcement.”
“Which one?”
“About me and Howard and the baby.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not so sure everybody is going to be as excited as you about it.”
“Sinead, you have to know that everyone in the family already knows. The official announcement hasn’t been made, but it’s kind of obvious. Mom even did her ‘mom-eye’ thing on you when she got back from Ireland. Everybody is thrilled. You know that. Who do you think is going to be a problem? Seamus?”
“Among others.”
“He’ll be fine. Mom will kill him if he says a word.”
“I think he’s going to pull my funding.”
“What?”
“You know, how the family has been helping with my school stuff.”
“Sinead, you have a full ride scholarship. We’re only putting in a little bit for the extras. It isn’t that big of a deal.”
“It is to me.”
“You know what I mean. There are so many of us that it’s just a few dollars each.”
“Now more than ever, that few dollars is going to make a big difference in my life. Howard wants to just take over everything. He wants to cover everything that my scholarship doesn’t. But I’m not ready for that right now.”
“Then tell him thanks but no thanks.”
“But if Seamus pulls the extra…”
“Okay. Seamus doesn’t speak for everybody. Even if he were to think that pulling the funding is a good idea, which I’m sure he doesn’t, that is only one person.”
“The head of the cat.”
“What?”
“Where the head goes, the body follows.”
“You think if Seamus said that he didn’t want to send his check anymore that we’d all stop?”
“The thought has crossed my mind. A lot.”
“I can’t decide if I’m offended or if I should laugh.”
“Laughing is always better.”
“Seamus doesn’t run the family, Sinead.”
“Maybe not, but he thinks he does.”
“Well, he doesn’t. Besides, he’s about to become a father after they tried so hard for so long, so he’s probably feeling pretty… What’s the word?”
“Magnanimous? Benevolent? Altruistic? Bounteous? Philanthropic?”
“See? This is why you need to stay in college. All those big words.”
I heard her laugh. Always a good thing.
“You really don’t think he’s going to have the family cut me off?”
“I don’t think he could if he wanted to, and I don’t think he wants to.”
“Okay. It has me a little freaked out.”
“If you overthink everything and overanalyze everything, you will find a problem where none exists.”
“True. But, Cara? If you don’t look at anything and don’t analyze anything, your problems don’t automatically disappear, you know.”
“I know, but refuse to accept.”
“Probably smart.”
“So is that what you needed? Me to tell Seamus to stop being a turd if he decides to be one?”
“Pretty much.”
“Mom won’t let anybody be mean. You know how she is with babies.”
“I think this one is a little different. Even you have to see that, Cara. This is Mom’s first grandbaby without the benefit of marriage.”
“I think Mom is more understanding than you believe her to be. Actually, after the last few hours, I know she is.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I’m sure you’ll hear all about it on Sunday.”
“Who?”
“Nope. I’m not saying anything.”
“Well, then at least I know it’s about Teagan.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because if it were anyone else, you would tell me. She has some kind of superpower over you that the rest of us don’t have.”
“Have you ever been the victim of a Teagan-Twister? No, you have not. A Teagan-Takedown? I don’t think so. And you don’t even want to know what a Teagan-Tanker is. You have not lived it, so don’t judge.”
Sinead laughed. “I gotta go. I feel better, thanks.”
“You and Howard want to come over for dinner?”
“No, thanks. I think Sunday is going to be enough.”
“Is he unhappy about it?”
“Oh, he’s thrilled. It’s me that knows what to expect and isn’t looking forward to it.”
My turn to laugh.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m good. Healthy.
Doctor says everything is right on schedule. I found out I was pregnant super early. I thought I had the flu. Went to the campus clinic. I guess it’s one of the first things they check for. Howard was with me. He was instantly excited.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, he is. His parents are even happy, so we’re good.”
“I’m glad. I’ll let you go, but, Sinead?”
“Yeah?”
“You really need to make a little more time for the family. Me too.”
“I know. Things have just kind of slipped for the last few months, but we’re good.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too. Thanks, Cara.”
THREE
A.J. WALKED IN the door looking as tired as I’ve ever seen him.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m actually better than okay. Things are working out in Old Town. We’ve been really lucky. I don’t want to jinx it, but the studio is looking better than when we started. I did some shoots today for some of the people that have been helping out. I got this outrageous shot of one of the guys doing a tattoo. The artwork is beautiful. He’s actually classically trained. I’m not sure if that is the right term. He studied fine art in college. Actually, he has studied it all over the world. His work is stunning.”
“When can I see a print?”
“He offered to do a back piece on me.”
“A tattoo? Really?”
“I’m thinking about it. What do you think?”
“Your back, you can do anything you want, but if I get a vote, my vote is nothing you can’t cover if you want to. No hands or neck. Definitely no face. I never really thought about it. Teagan has always threatened to get one. I’ve never really had any interest. Look at Howard. He’s pretty much covered.”
“I think he does that new thing where you only get tattoos where they’re visible, so anything covered with shirt or pants is probably virgin area.”
“My sister’s never said anything. That virgin area versus the tattooed area is weird. It’s like the guys that shave their heads then grow out a big beard. I don’t get it.”
“I’m not a fan either.”
“It’s something to think about. You don’t have to decide tonight. You want something to eat?”
“I thought I’d cook for you tonight.”
“You look tired. How about I cook for you, you can visit with Evelyn, and we just have a quiet night?”
“Is Suzi coming over for dinner?”
“We’re babysitting. Suzi has a date.”
“A date?” I’m sure that A.J. didn’t mean to sound like a jerk, but he did.
“Yes. A date. You know, that whole tradition where people get together for a few hours. They talk. They do something fun. A date.” I didn’t mean to sound so snarky, but I did.
“What’s with the attitude? I just asked. She just had a baby. I didn’t know she had anyone interested in her.”
“Sorry. I don’t know why that hit me so wrong. It’s just that I’ve been trying to build Suzi up, and I don’t want her to lose her confidence.”
“Who’s the guy?”
“A guy she met a few days ago. She said he’s really nice. His name is Todd.”
“Well, at least it isn’t Chad.”
“Who’s Chad?”
“Just a name.”
“What’s wrong with the name Chad?”
“If you can be a brat, I can be a brat.”
I swear to you, it wasn’t my fault. An alien inhabited my brain, and I had no control over my body.
I swear.
I snapped the kitchen towel I had in my hand and hit A.J. on the butt.
Okay, technically, that might be assault. Or is it battery? I think assault is the threat and battery is the action. Maybe. I didn’t have time to think about it because once I smacked A.J. on the butt, he sprang into action and chased me around the kitchen table, which was more difficult than it sounds because I had it pretty smooshed up toward the wall so that I had room for all Evelyn’s baby stuff.
I may have screeched or something because the people upstairs banged on the floor — which is our ceiling — but I couldn’t stop laughing.
By the time Suzi knocked on the door, we were out of the shower and in a pretty good mood.
Evelyn didn’t want anything to do with her Moses basket or the swing that Suzi lugged over. I thought that Suzi was going to just take her back home and cancel, and if A.J. hadn’t taken over, she might have. Instead, A.J. took Evelyn and shooed Suzi out the door, after telling her she looked absolutely stunning and that she was to be careful: no more babies for a while.
Suzi blushed all the way to her toes.
I fixed a quickie dinner. Cubes of beef, basically stir-fried but using a tiny bit of butter, pepper, and seasoned salt. No veggies. I served the meat with fake mashed potatoes for both of us, veggies for A.J., some warm French bread for both of us, and a bottle for Evelyn.
A.J. had some serious parenting skills. He was able to get off the couch, eat his dinner, and clear his place setting without putting the baby down or waking her up. All she did was scooch herself up into his neck and cuddle in.
Once I got the kitchen cleaned up, I got out frosted glasses, filled them with ice cold milk — I know I have my fridge set to way too cold, but milk is best when it’s just this side of freezing — and then added a handful of M&Ms in each glass.
Don’t be a hater. It’s better than you think it will be. The candy coating melts off and turns into overly sweet, weirdly colored milk with frozen chocolate chips at the bottom of the glass.
The first time A.J. saw me create this dessert concoction, he just laughed at me.
He’s now addicted.
We waited for the milk to turn the right color while we watched the television with the sound so low I could barely hear anything.
There was a teaser for the news.
I didn’t catch all of it, but it made me sick to my stomach just the same.
“Take the baby.” A.J. all but snapped my head off.
“A.J., you can’t go down there.”
“The hell I can’t. Take her.” He handed Evelyn to me.
“There’s nothing you can do. The cops are already there.”
“Cara, my sister will be there.”
“What?”
“That’s her favorite place.” His tone sounded more angry than anything else.
“Well, at least call her first. You don’t know if the guy picked the place.”
“Look at the damn screen,” A.J. spat. “That’s her car!”
“Oh, crap. Call her.”
He was already dialing the number.
I turned up the volume while I bopped back and forth to sooth Evelyn. The movement and sudden change in mood had made her restless.
A.J. hung up the phone. “She isn’t answering.”
I flipped channels. “There’s nothing you can do down there. They won’t even let you close. Just keep calling.”
“Cara, if she was okay, she would call so that we wouldn’t worry. She hasn’t tried to call. What the hell is wrong with people these days?”
“Let me call my brother. He’s a cop. He might know something.”
“Okay, good. Call him.”
The next twenty-seven minutes might have been the longest twenty-seven minutes of my life. A.J. was beside himself, but very calm.
My brother had no information.
Somehow my mother got wind of it and called. “Love, is there any word on Suzi?”
“No. A.J. is very worried.”
“You know how these things work. Everyone will be held as a witness, and it will take hours and hours to get all their statements.”
“Mom, we live in an age of cell phones. She hasn’t called. We have Evelyn here. She would call.”
“That is not necessarily the case. She may not have her cell with her.”
“Not possible.”
“Then perhaps the police are not allowing any
one to make calls.”
“Possible. Mom?”
“Yes, love?”
“Say a prayer.”
“I have said many.”
“Say more.”
“She is fine, Cara. I feel it.”
“Thank God. But say a prayer anyway.”
Not thirty seconds after I’d hung up the phone with Mom, Suzi practically fell in the door of our apartment.
The relief in A.J.’s voice brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t say a word. Let the two of them talk.
A.J. started. “You’re okay?”
“I’m okay.”
“Why didn’t you call?”
“They broke my phone.”
A.J.’s panic started all over again. “They got close enough to break your phone?”
“Oh, yeah. They were up close and personal.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Give me my baby.”
“Sit down first. You’re shaky. Tell us what happened.”
“Can I have something to drink?”
It was my turn. “Sure. What?”
“Tea.”
“You got it.”
A.J. was out of patience. He started snapping orders. “Call Gran and let her know you’re okay. Use my phone. Cara, call your family and thank them for the concern and help.”
A.J. didn’t usually hand out orders like that. He must have been more upset than I thought, and considering how upset I thought he was, that’s saying something.
Once the calls were made and the tea was poured, Suzi, with Evelyn in her arms, told us the story.
“I told Todd I would meet him at the restaurant. I just felt funny having him pick me up here. I don’t know. I just don’t want any guy I date around Evelyn. So, anyway, I meet Todd at the restaurant. He was already there. Had saved a parking spot for me right up front. Not sure how he kept people away. He was trying to be nice so that I wouldn’t have to park all the way down in the regular lot. He stood in the spot when he saw it was open and then called me to make sure I was close. I’m surprised nobody shot him.”
The Tea Series Page 62