I came back out with a freshly scrubbed face and even took time to slap on some moisturizer since my nose is raw all the time these days.
“You said you would be my maid of honor. You ready?”
“Actually, I’m not sure I am. I can’t eat or sleep. I feel like crap all the time. Food makes my stomach turn. I’m happy that you’re happy, but I’m not sure I can do this right now, Teagan.”
“We aren’t doing anything big. I’m gonna talk to Dad. Maybe follow Sinead down to the courthouse.”
“I can do the courthouse. As long as there are pictures that we can Photoshop my nose out of. If you want to wait a couple of weeks, I might even have a nose again instead of this lump of hamburger that keeps running all the time.”
“Dingleberry, that will give me nightmares.”
“Sorry.” Part of me was annoyed that she was doing so well. Our mother just died, for God’s sake.
“I want to give Dad something good to think about. He said something the other day about wanting to look forward.”
“Don’t get married just to give Daddy something to do.” I was trying for humor, but it didn’t come out that way. Teagan looked like she could smack me, and Jessie just looked confused.
“Sorry. I meant that to be funny. I’m out of practice.”
Teagan recovered immediately. “No problem. You want to be a part of this?”
“Sure.”
“That’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for.”
I just looked at her like she’d grown another head.
“Mom’s headstone hasn’t even been delivered yet. Excuse me if I’m still a little gobsmacked that you want to get married so soon.”
“We were planning the wedding before the accident.”
“Don’t use that word in front of Daddy.” I explained what had happened when I’d used the word in front of him.
“Dad is right. It wasn’t exactly an ‘on purpose,’ but it wasn’t just an accident either.”
“I can’t talk about it right now. I’ve talked to Daddy multiple times. I dragged Rory back from the job-ending ledge. Again. I talked to Liam for forty-five minutes; he’s doing worse than Rory. I’ve lost it about twenty-seven times. I haven’t gotten my balance since that first phone call.”
“Yeah, you aren’t looking so good. You’re so skinny. I’m beginning to worry.”
“Once I’m sure Daddy is okay, I’ll be fine. Have you talked to him about the wedding?”
“I have.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that Mom would have wanted us to do whatever we were planning before.”
“He’s right.”
“But I’m not sure the family can handle that, and to be honest, thinking about the whole family crying their way through my wedding is more than I can deal with.”
“Mom isn’t going to be there. No matter where, when, or how you get married, you’re going to be the first one that doesn’t have Mom there, so the rest of us are going to lose our minds.”
“True.”
“So what do you really want, Teagan? Do you really want a courthouse thing? There’s nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding, if that’s what you want, but that has never been what you wanted.”
“Before Mom died we were talking about having it in the backyard of the new house.”
“If that’s what you want, that’s what you should do.”
“I need to talk to Dad first.”
“Good idea.”
We called Daddy and told him we were on the way over.
When we got there, the house looked like a cyclone hit it. “I’ve some things pulled out. I want each of you to take something that’s important to you that belonged to your mother. It matters not what you choose, but I’ll have none of the bitterment that some families find acceptable.”
The look of shock on Teagan’s face must have mirrored mine.
“I am not erasing your mother from my life, girls. I find her belongings a comfort, and I want that for each of you. I pulled out so much so that you would have a choice. When you choose, we will decide what to do with the rest of it.”
It seemed so soon. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
Of course, I’m not the one living in the middle of it, either.
“Can we have a cup first?”
“Of course.”
I admit that my brain ceased to function the moment I walked in the door. That’s probably why, when I set the table for tea, I set five places. Me, Teagan, Jessie, Mom, and Daddy. When they walked into the room before I put my brain in gear and noticed, I was horrified. The look on Daddy’s face.
Teagan smiled. “Mom always said she’d come for a cup.”
“I’m not sure this is what she meant, but I’ll take it.”
We had our cup of tea and then moved to the living room so that Teagan could talk to Daddy about the wedding. Make sure that he could handle it so soon.
He said it would give him something to focus on. Something to make the family smile.
Unfortunately, the beautiful words never met his eyes.
He was sad beyond belief, and there was not a damn thing that I could do about it.
The unreasonable side of me shouted in my brain, I’m the family fixer, for God’s sake! I’m supposed to be able to make things better.
The reasonable side smacked me upside the back of my head.
The next few days went by in a blur. I thought the whole funeral and everything was rough, but it was worse when everyone started to get back to their real lives, and my father had no real life left.
He told me he wasn’t sleeping at all. We talked to the doctor, and they offered some sleeping pills. I doubt he’ll take them.
He must not be eating much. He is getting skinnier than me.
We went out to the cemetery and ordered my mother a headstone.
Headstone isn’t the right word, is it?
The cemetery has a beautiful chapel, and my mother — and, when the time comes, my father — will be placed in that chapel. We found out when we were planning the funeral that even if you are cremated, a Catholic is still supposed to be interred. You really aren’t supposed to scatter ashes or anything like that. I’m not sure God cares what you choose to do, but I wasn’t ready to fight that battle at the time.
On the side of the chapel, there are benches to sit and reflect. Mom and Daddy will be in one of those benches. Hopefully by the time Daddy is there, I’ll be so old that I’ll need the rest.
I saw a thing on television last night. The show was about a mother that lost all of her children. Losing a child has to be a hundred times worse than losing a parent. I can’t begin to understand how she’s dealing with it. She’s so much stronger than I am.
ELEVEN
A NEW CHAPTER. That’s what we’re calling it. Teagan has decided to get married in her backyard. My dad has even gone over to the house to supervise getting the backyard in order.
It’s just going to be the family. It hasn’t been that long since we lost Mom.
I understand that we need to move forward.
I understand that Mom would want this.
I even understand that it’s good for my dad on some level.
But I’m not ready for this.
Not even a little bit.
Teagan picked up her dress yesterday. I thought she would get something from that lady overseas, but she got something local. It’s pretty. It’s not particularly bridal. Not to me, anyway. It’s a suit more than a dress. It has an off the shoulder dress, very fitted, with a jacket that goes over it. It shows off her shoulders and collarbones, which is good. She has a nice neck. Simple sky-high heels. She’s got a little hat that matches with the netting stuff that you pull down instead of a veil.
Jessie is wearing a suit.
I’m wearing one of those mummy dresses. It looks like they wrapped a white-ish ace bandage around me. I don’t like it. My hip bones are sticking out, but everybody else says it’s perfe
ct.
When you walk out Jessie and Teagan’s back door, there’s a beautiful arbor. We’re doing that in reverse. We’re covering up the back door and using the arbor as a backdrop for their vows. Then there will be refreshments out by the pool.
It will be just family. A couple of people from work.
I said that already, didn’t I?
I’m trying so hard to be happy for them.
I really am.
I even went online and bought a subliminal tape thing and listen to it at night while I try to sleep. It’s supposed to tell my brain that life is good and that I’m supposed to be enjoying it.
I just can’t.
I don’t feel good. Ever.
I don’t seem to find the fun. Ever.
I know I sound like an idiot. I get that. I really do. But there’s something fundamentally wrong, and I can’t get away from it.
A.J. has been so good to me.
Daddy has pointed that out. Several times.
He seems to be doing better than I am. He has decided to volunteer. He is driving some veterans around to appointments. He’s working part-time. Trying to keep busy.
Jordan has been a godsend. He goes over there regularly. Grandpa is helping him with some special project, and he is helping Grandpa heal.
If things don’t get better soon, I may go back into counseling. Not that I went that many times, but I need to do something. This just isn’t getting any better, and at some point in the not-too-distant future, this muck that I’m wallowing in is going to become my comfort zone. Then I’m screwed.
For now, I’m forcing myself to concentrate on the wedding. Period.
I made a playlist of music. At first, I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but then I decided to just go with it. I took all the songs from the weekend that Jessie arranged for Teagan. I figured they must be her favorite songs, right?
We found a little gold horseshoe and sewed it into the hem of her dress. Morgan offered the one she used at her wedding, but Teagan wanted her own.
We printed out her vows — the same vows that Liam and Morgan used. They’re pretty traditional. I’m sure everyone in the family will have used them by the time we’re all married off.
I wonder if Sinead used those at the courthouse. At least Mom was at her wedding. That thought broke my heart in a new place.
I tried and tried and tried to think of a way to incorporate Mom into the wedding without setting everybody off, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Everything I thought of had me in hysterics. I don’t want to do that to Teagan. It isn’t fair. This is her day, and she should enjoy it.
We had a surprise shower for Teagan. For five hours, we were the old O’Flynns. We laughed and had a great time. We were just winding everything down when Daddy showed up. He gave Teagan a hug, gave her all his best wishes, and then handed her a beautifully wrapped box. “Your mother bought this for you while we were in Ireland. I think now is the proper time that you have it.”
I lost my damn mind.
I was not alone.
When we calmed down enough for Teagan to open the box, there was a beautiful cut-crystal beer mug. It had been engraved.
Our Teagan.
Equal parts sport and beauty.
Love, Mom and Dad
It was perfect. Beer for the sporty side of Teagan. Cut crystal for the girly side. My mother knows her children.
After Daddy left, Sinead said only half kidding, “Why didn’t I get something like that for my wedding?”
Teagan’s response was instant and had a bit of a bite to it. “You had Mom!”
Sinead burst into tears.
Teagan went hysterical.
I went home.
I can’t deal with all the emotions. I’m so raw I feel like I’m never gonna heal.
I’m starting to get angry with myself.
Mom would not want me to be completely incapacitated.
We were smart enough to have the shower a few days before the wedding, which gave us all time to calm down again and get a few things done.
Jessie and the guys went out for a pub dinner and beers at the place right down the street from our apartment. They shot pool and that kind of stuff, but A.J. said that there weren’t all that many guys there, and it was kind of subdued.
The day before the wedding, Teagan showed up at my door. Unannounced and, really, uninvited. I used to love it when people would drop by. Not so much any more.
“We have a problem.”
“Now what?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m trying to be okay. I’m still depressed. I can’t remember the last time I slept. My brain won’t work. My body is fighting with me. I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe you should go to the doctor.”
“What are they going to diagnose me with, Teagan? My mother died. I’m upset. That seems pretty normal to me.”
“I know you’re the family person, Cara. I know you’re taking this harder than anyone. Maybe even harder than Dad, but it’s time to get yourself back together. I’m beginning to worry about you.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I’m allowed to be depressed. What do you want? Why are you here?”
“Joy called this morning.”
“Okay. It’s good that she’s calling, right?”
“She thinks that Joynessa should be at the wedding.”
The look on Teagan’s face did it. I started to laugh. I laughed and laughed and laughed until I couldn’t stand up any more, and then I laughed some more.
“What’s so freaking funny?”
“Mom was right.”
“What?”
“Be careful what you wish for, Teagan. All you and Jessie have done for weeks is whine about how you want Joynessa to be a part of your lives. Your wedding is part of your life. An important part. Joy calls and offers you exactly what you say you want, and you bitch about it. There’s no pleasing you.”
“Mom said I’m impossible to please?”
“No. Mom said people always get what they ask for, but they’re just rarely careful to ask for what they want. I’m the one saying you’re impossible to please. You know what, Teagan? I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to fix your problem. I don’t feel good. I can’t remember the last time I slept. I can’t remember the last time I ate. I’ll be at your wedding, and I promise to have a good time and all that, but today could you please just let me be?”
She pushed her way past me.
I thought about punching her, but a black eye at a wedding is a bad idea, and everyone would know that I’d gotten it from Teagan. Let’s be honest, in a fight between the two of us, I’m the one who’s gonna end up with the most injuries.
Unless I sneak up on her.
“Don’t even think about it, dingleberry.”
See?
“Teagan, what are you doing?”
“I’m fixing you some food.”
“Fixing?”
“Would you rather I cooked?”
“God, no.”
“Okay, then I’m fixing. Give me a minute. I’ll find something that I won’t kill you with.”
Ten minutes later, we were sitting at the table with a pot of tea between us and cinnamon rolls in the oven.
“You are going to eat at least three.”
“I can’t.”
“I swear to God, Cara. If you don’t eat three, I’m going to stuff them down your throat or take you to the hospital and make Troya give you an IV.”
“Troya is a good sister. She wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Troya would be happy to give you a nutritional supplement via suppository. Remember the report you messed up when she was in nursing school?”
“What?”
“Remember you came home with that goofy guy, Tony? You guys were messing around in the kitchen, and you knocked over a bottle of vanilla that Sinead was using to bake cookies, and it went all over Troya’s report. The teacher wouldn’t accept it the way it was, and s
he got a terrible grade for that class. She had to work her ass off to get back up to where she had to be.”
“I remember, but why do you?”
“It has been the topic of conversation from time to time.”
“What?”
“Never sleep alone in the same area as Troya.”
“Good to know.”
“Cara, I am trying to make you laugh.”
“I know. I’m just not in a very laughable mood right now.”
The timer buzzed, and Teagan took the cinnamon rolls out of the oven. She let them rest for a couple of minutes, put the icing on, and handed me the little container the icing comes in, but my nails were too long to scoop out the extra icing well.
“Damn, look at your nails.”
“I should whack them off.”
“It’s not like you to have such long nails.”
“I’ve been taking all kinds of vitamins and supplements. A.J. got them for me. He’s worried that I’m too skinny.
“I like him. I like that he is watching out for you.”
“Me, too.”
I couldn’t get rid of Teagan for hours, and believe me, I tried. She’s decided that she’s gonna fix me.
I’m not broken. I just have a broken heart.
We almost got into a fight at one point. She got mad at me and said that it was not a compliment to Mom for me to act this way. She said that Mom had lived her life as an example that positive is always the better choice. Forgive me for being an idiot, but I can’t find a single positive thing about some drunk bitch killing my mother.
When I said that to Teagan, she yelled at me.
Yelled.
I think her approach was meant to snap me out of it as much as vent her spleen — Mom’s phrase — but all it did was shut me down.
Please, God, just get me through the wedding in one piece, and then I will deal with whatever I have to deal with.
When A.J. got home, he found me sitting in the kitchen, rocking back and forth on a chair. “Are you okay?”
The Tea Series Page 76