The nurse giggled and told us we were couple goals as she began to push me to the door.
“Okay happy couple, ready to go see your princess?” The nurse asked as me and Ricardo told her yes and we left out of the door.
The entire way to the NICU I remained quiet as my heart beat in my throat. I wondered would me and my baby have that instant love as soon as we touched while we put on our protective gear. Ricardo helped to fasten my gown as I sat there and thought while a tear rolled down my face. When he stood back up and seen it on my face he reached over and wiped it away before he smiled.
“Hey, hey there beautiful. Why are you crying?” He asked as he leaned down and kissed me before he held me in his arms.
I told him how I was worried about connecting with Asha and being a better mom than the one I had. The last thing I wanted to do was inflict the same mental scars on her that Spicy had given me. Ricardo quickly assured me that I would be ten times better than my mother as he held my hands in his.
“Na Na you are truly the most loving person I know. I mean look at how you treat your brothers. Now that you have a baby that came from you, there’s no doubt in my mind that you will love her beyond words. You’re gonna be the best mama in the world and I’m gonna be the best dad. Now dry your tears beautiful. Let’s get in her to see our angel.” Ricardo said as I laughed away my worries and the nurse wheeled me into the room.
As soon as we were inside I got chills looking at all the sick little babies. I thanked God for blessing me with a baby who was healthy as we got closer to Asha’s bed.
“Look at her baby. Oh my God she is beautiful.” Ricardo said as he ran straight over to the nurse was holding her and took her out of her arms.
I felt my heart melt as I watched them have their first father, daughter moment. I felt kind of conflicted as I sat there and watched Ricardo introduce himself as daddy. Part of me didn’t want to deny Asha her true linage, but the more logical side said fuck that. I decided at that moment I wouldn’t tell my daughter who her biological father was. I decided to spare her that shame and humiliation because I loved her too much. That made me think of my own mother and how she had tried to shield me the same way. I truly understood Spicy at that moment and wished that she could be there. Just thinking about her not sharing that special moment with me made my emotions go into overdrive. Tears ran down my face as Ricardo made his way to me with Asha.
“Why you crying baby? Soak up some of this love.” Ricardo said as he handed me Asha and I fell in love all over again.
As soon as she was in my arms I felt a love so strong I could do nothing but cry as I looked down into her face. She looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and smiled like she knew who I was. I think that she did know too from the way she wouldn’t take her eyes off of me and cooed every time I touched her face.
I kissed and touched her so much over the ten minutes that followed, I was sure she was tired of it all. She wasn’t though because as soon as I laid her back in the bed to bathe her and change her clothes, she began to yell and reach her arms up like she wanted me to pick her up. I did pick her up too and cradled her lovingly on my chest. I gave my daughter her bath and changed her clothes just like that before Ricardo leaned down and kissed us both.
“See, I told you baby. You’re a great mom already.” Ricardo said as I smiled and thanked him for loving me.
After that Ricardo wheeled us over to the rocking chair and I got out of the wheelchair to sit down and feed Asha. I stared into her eyes and rubbed her hair as she ate and cooed in my arms. Before long she was fast asleep as I sung her a low lullaby. I made the words up as I went along, but it all made since to me.
“Go to sleep and goodnight, rock a by my little blessing. Go to sleep rest your eyes, little princess don’t you cry. Go to sleep mommy right here and I’ll always be by your side. So go to sleep little queen, rest your bright eyes.” I sang as Ricardo listened and smiled at me.
He hummed along with me on the second verse and by the time we finished Asha was knocked out. I kissed her little face a dozen times after I memorized every inch of her face. By that time, the nurse had come back over and told me her visit was over. I didn’t want to leave her then but I knew I had to let her rest, so I kissed her again on both of her hands as Ricardo kissed her head before he helped me up and back into the wheelchair.
As he wheeled us back over to Asha’s bed, I whispered into her ear how much I loved her. I wanted it to be not a single shred of doubt in my baby’s mind whether or not I loved her. I planned to tell her that each day too when I finally got her home. That’s why I started it that day as I said it over and over again.
“Mommy loves you to the moon and back my little queen. You are the light in my life.” I told my baby as she smiled in her sleep, before I kissed her head and then placed her back in her bed.
She cried a little when she felt she was out of my arms, but quickly stopped when I laid my hand on her back. The nurse noticed that as she checked her bed and smiled as she said something about it.
“The motherly bond is amazing huh? She knows you already. I can tell you two are going to love her to pieces. She’s a very lucky girl.” The nurse said as she swaddled my baby then turned back to me.
I wiped away the tear that fell from my eye as Ricardo grabbed my hand then I responded.
“No, I’m the lucky one to have such a wonderful child. Take good care of her please; and be sure to keep security outside.” I said to the nurse as I nodded at the two security officers Tim had stationed outside the NICU.
She reassured me that Asha would be safe before I thanked her and Ricardo pushed me out the doors. Once outside I couldn’t help but to drop a few more tears knowing that I had to leave my baby. Ricardo bent down and hugged me once we had taken off our protective gear and told me everything would be alright.
“We’ll be at home with our baby soon Na Na. Just hold on.” He said before he kissed my head and gave me the strength to move forward.
I looked back at Asha once more and blew her a kiss before we disappeared down the hall.
The entire journey back to my floor and to my room, Ricardo and I talked about all the things we would do together. We envisioned family dinners, recitals, and trips to fun family vacation spots with our happy little family. By the time we got to my room door Ricardo had me so optimistic about the future that I had forgotten about all of the tragedy in my life. That happiness and optimism quickly faded though when we opened my door and walked in. As soon as we did, my uncle Tootie popped from behind the door with wild eyes and blood all over his shirt. He looked like he had just been in a shootout and was on the run from someone as he stood there breathing hard and shit. I quickly found out that was exactly what had happened too as he started to tell me what was going on.
“Na, my chocolate chip. Uncle so happy to see you baby. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for everything, but as you can see I been kind of preoccupied.” My uncle said as he opened his jacket and showed us the gunshot wound in his shoulder.
I cried out and held my mouth as my man quickly sprang into action like a real life fucking super hero. Ricardo pushed me over to the bed and got me out of my chair before he told Tootie to go into the bathroom. As they were in there and Ricardo cleaned his wound, my uncle told me why he had come to visit.
“Maine Na, I hate to come tell you this bad shit, but I knew you would be mad if I didn’t. I found that nigga last night and got into an epic shoot out with his ass. As you can see, I was outnumbered and took one to the shoulder. I don’t know if I got that bitch nigga or not, but I damn sho’ tried. I got leads on where he lay his head though; so once I confirm, he good as dead. That’s my word.” My uncle Tootie said from the bathroom before he moaned out in pain.
I held my head and tried to stop the voice which had come back as I rested my head on my pillow. I just wanted all of the drama to end and to live the happy life Ricardo promised. That happiness seemed to be further away than I thought though
as my uncle continued his story.
“Don’t worry about that though Na, you know I’m gonna handle it. The real shit I wanted to say though is that Kam in deep shit.” Tootie said and my heart raced as I sat up in the bed.
The last thing I wanted was for one of my brothers to get hurt or flapped behind me. I could do nothing but cry and ask what happened before uncle Tootie told me he had caught up with Kenan’s sons.
“He merked them bitches Na, both of em right there in the jail. I thought that was gonna get him murder for sure, but they saying it was self-defense. Them weak ass niggas caught him in the shower and thought he was a hoe. They say Kam broke one nigga’s neck and beat the other bitch to death with his bare hands. He went beast mode on them bitches, just like I taught him. Although he didn’t get murder they still charging him as an adult and binding him over to 201. Don’t you worry about that either though, we gonna make sure he straight. KJ got him a fire ass lawyer so now we just gotta wait.” My uncle said as I cried harder and imagined my brother in real jail.
Suddenly all of that hate and pain I felt was back at the surface and Kenan was the only face I could see.
“Bitch you dead.” I said out loud wishing he could hear me as I laid back down and hoped that my pain would soon end.
Chapter 6
By the time my Uncle Tootie and Ricardo came out of the bathroom, my sorrow had turned into anger. I just wanted out of that hospital, and out of that fucking bed so I could finally get my revenge on Kenan. I couldn’t control my rage as I sat up and fumed with my arms folded like a spoiled ass brat. I wanted to be out on the streets with my family so that I could get my life in order. I told my uncle that too as he made his way over to my bed and asked me what was wrong.
“What’s wrong with me is I want out of this bitch. I want my life back. I want to be happy. Most of all though, I WANT THAT BITCH NIGGA DEAD. HE GOTTA DIE OR I CAN’T REST UNC. ASHA WILL NEVER BE SAFE WITH HIM ON THE STREETS. I’LL NEVER BE HAPPY EITHER!” I yelled as I raged and my uncle and Ricardo told me that I would be okay.
Everybody kept telling me that shit, but I couldn’t see how it was true when there was a different tragedy every day. With each passing day, my life seemed to spiral out of control and I felt like I was going crazier by the minute. The voice in my head told me it wasn’t going to get better either and I believed it because my heart was so heavy. I cried and punched my legs as Ricardo grabbed me and hugged me while Uncle Tootie told me he had me.
“Listen to me Chocolate Chip, you know unc got you. Stop worrying your pretty little head because all of this shit will be over soon. I just need you to rest and get well. You and my great niece. I love you Kaniyah.” Uncle Tootie said as he came over to kiss my head before his phone began to ring.
I watched him as he answered and then began to yell before he went into the bathroom. As he did that Dr. Lewis brought her nosey, pitbull looking as in and saw how distraught I was. I remained in Ricardo’s arms crying as I punched my legs and she walked right over with a syringe in her hand to inject in my IV.
“Ms. Wright, I could hear you down the hall. I see you’re upset again so I will have to give you this to sedate you.” Dr. Lewis said as she shot the liquid into my IV and Ricardo held my cord.
He held it in a way that the doctor couldn’t see as he continued to lean across the bed and hold me in his arms. As he did that my uncle Tootie came out of the bathroom hyped up with an ugly expression on his face. I could tell that the phone call he received was the one he had been waiting for because he came out with the shit.
“We found his crew, all the niggas who helped him pull this shit off. I’m about to handle this shit Na. Once and for fucking all!” My uncle said through clenched teeth before he finally saw the doctor in the room and shut the fuck up.
It was too late at that point though because she had seen and heard more than she needed to. I could tell from the disgusted look on her face that she didn’t like me or my family, hell any black people for that matter, and that became crystal clear when she spoke.
“Okay Ms. Wright, I see now where most of your hostility comes from. You people need to learn that aggression doesn’t work in every situation.” The Doctor said as she glared at my uncle and he started to go the fuck off.
I could see the bitch word coming off his lips at that moment so I quickly spoke up to keep that little white bitch from getting the ass whooping of her life. I shouldn’t have spared her weak ass though, but I did as I told my uncle it was okay.
“You good Unc, this one of the psych doctors.” I said as I eyed him and he nodded because he understood.
Uncle Tootie knew just like I did, that anything we did wrong at that point could get my ass locked up and Asha taken away. None of us were willing to let that happen though, so Tootie quickly shut his mouth before he walked over to the window to look out. That didn’t stop the bitch from antagonizing the situation though, because although I had calmed down and my uncle Tootie was done ranting, she still had something to say.
“I think that its time your visitors to leave Kaniyah, so that you can get some rest. You have a visit scheduled with your daughter later, so I know you want to look your best. If you don’t comply, you may not be able to see her at all. So, what are you going to do? It’s your choice.” Dr. Lewis said as she walked in front of the door and folded her arms in front of her.
She smirked at me as she eyed my uncle then Ricardo and then back at me. That beast Na Na within me, which had recently been awakened wanted to rip that bitch’s head off. It was something about the way she smirked at me and looked down her nose on me all the time that made the voice in my head say she was involved and to kill her ass too. The voice was so loud and made so much sense that I had to close my eyes and count to ten to calm my rage. I didn’t want to comply with that bitch because I knew we had really done nothing wrong. I did though for the sake of my baby and to hold on to a little of my sanity. I envisioned my life like Ricardo had described it as he continued to hold me and whisper he wasn’t going anywhere into my ear. I saw all of the beautiful days he promised that lie ahead as he told me he loved me and would never leave my side. By the time I opened my eyes back up the voice was gone and I felt calmer than I had felt in days. It was something about Ricardo’s voice and the love I felt in his words that made me believe everything he said. That’s the only reason I nodded at my uncle Tootie and he walked over to the bed beside me.
“Unc, I know you gotta go handle some things so why don’t we just say goodbye for now.” I said to my uncle as I winked my eye and he caught on to what I was doing.
I watched with a satisfied expression on my face as Uncle Tootie instantly wiped off the sour expression that was on his face and turned to smirk at the doctor before he bent down over me. When he did I leaned in closer so that while we hugged I could whisper in his ear.
“Just gone leave unc so this hoe won’t have a reason to lock me down. Text me though and let me know what the business is. This bitch nigga got a muthafucking army working with him on his sick ass agenda and we gotta eliminate them all. I think this bitch may just be one of them, so see what you can dig up on her ass too. Ricardo said he is staying though so don’t you worry about me. I’m safe, you just stay safe and make sure my brothers are too.” I whispered before my uncle said that he had me then leaned back a little bit to kiss more forehead. “I love you Unc.” I said after that and he told me that he loved me too.
I watched him as Ricardo let me and my IV cord go, handed it to me, and walked over to the door behind my uncle. When uncle Tootie got right beside the white doctor, he stopped for a minute and stared her down. I could tell that she was nervous being that close to a nigger, but she didn’t say shit. She just fiddled with the cheap ass pearls around her neck as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Uncle Tootie could tell she was uneasy too as he smiled and stepped in closer. I wondered what he was up to as I sat up in bed and motioned for Ricardo to stop him. Before my baby could d
o anything though my uncle had leaned in close to the doctor’s face to talk.
“You know you really can’t hide your emotions because I can tell from your expression that you don’t like us. What I can’t figure out though is why? Is it because we niggas and you feel superior? Or is it because you see an air of royalty in a bloodline that your people can’t steal or duplicate? Or is it simply because you know the power a black man has down here.” My uncle said as he grabbed his dick in his hand then looked down and the doctor looked down too.
I couldn’t help but to giggle behind my hand after I witnessed that and Ricardo laughed along with me. We laughed but Uncle Tootie didn’t, and neither did Dr. Lewis. They both just continued to stand there and stare down at my uncle’s dick. After a few minutes of that my uncle suddenly looked up and continued his mental assault.
“Yeah that’s it. You want some black dick in yo life. It’s okay baby. All you had to do was ask. So when you get your next check and all caked up with that doctor bread, you remember this Mandingo. Call me when you ready, but bitch you dare not come empty handed.” My uncle said on his pimp shit before he put his lips so close to hers I thought they had kissed.
She thought so too as she stood there breathless and closed her fucking eyes. I guess that bitch thought she was on some corny ass love movie and his kiss would bring her back into reality. Wasn’t no chance for that though, because the only thing my uncle had for her was hard dick and a headache. He burst that hoe’s bubble when he quickly pulled his card out of his pocket and ran it across her lips.
“Ain’t no kissing lil mama, only queens deserve that. You may be worthy for some Mandingo though, if ya pockets deep enough. You gotta pay for this golden stick that will send chills down yo spine.” My uncle said as she took the card and he grabbed his dick again. He grabbed it and held it firmly before she shook it then touched her on the hands. For the first time since I had seen her, I saw her smile and I knew we had her right where we wanted her.
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