by Lacey Black
“I’ll send him a text message when we get out to the car and ask him,” I say as I lead him towards the doors of the gym.
“Mom?” Ryan stops and turns those gray eyes towards me.
“Yeah?”
“Who was that guy in your classroom?”
I exhale deeply and look up at the Warriors mascot painted up on the wall of the gym. My heart aches for my son. He has no idea how close he was to the man who gave him his rugged good looks and his athletic ability. “He was just someone I knew back in college. I haven’t seen him in a very long time.”
“What did he want?” He asks, his eyes full of question.
“Just to say hello.” My heart is beating a rapid-fire pattern in my chest. I don’t want to lie to my son, but I can’t tell him what just transpired in my classroom, not until he’s old enough to understand everything.
Ryan looks like he has more questions, but he doesn’t ask them. I watch as he gazes up at the painted mascot on the wall. The best thing I can do is reassure him of my love for him; to show him every day that he’s the most important person in my life. Seven years ago, I took on the job of both a mother and a father. I am two people rolled into one, and I’ll do everything I can to not let him down.
“Come on,” I say as I throw my arm over my son’s shoulder. “Let’s go order us a pizza.”
Chapter Six – Well, If That Ain’t A Kick In The Ass
Reid
I have no clue how I make it to my car. I climb into my vintage Aston Martin and just sit there, staring off into the late afternoon sun.
Fuck me, I have a kid.
The ache in my skull is intense as I replay the scene again and again. Dani looked so beautiful standing in her classroom. The way she wore her plain black pants and ivory top turned me on more than the last woman who warmed my bed wearing thousand-dollar lingerie ever did. Her hair was down today, those soft honey locks framing perfectly around her stunning face. At first glance, my dick was hard and I longed to kiss those damn bee-stung lips of hers.
And then the boy walked in.
How in the hell did I go from wanting a woman so bad, I was ready to sell my soul to the devil himself, to finding out that I have a son? And not just any son, but a son with the one woman I haven’t stopped thinking about in eight years.
Then the panic set in.
I knew as soon as I saw him that I was his father. How could you miss it? The kid looks just like me. Sure, I should probably order a DNA test. With my net worth, I’d be a fucking fool not to. Dani wouldn’t be the first woman to claim I fathered her child. But how can I deny it? Yeah, he looks like me, but it’s more than that. I can feel it. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew. I knew he was my son.
Fuck!
When Dani confirmed it, I panicked and had to get the hell out of that room. The walls were closing in on me and I found the air stifling, making it impossible to breathe. I knew that if I didn’t get out of that room that very instant, I would say something that I couldn’t take back. Lashing out seems to be my first line of defense when it comes to her. The last thing I need or want is someone like Dani thinking they can change me; like somehow I’ll suddenly grow a heart and care more about them than my company, my business. Well, that’s not happening. I’ve always been a heartless bastard and that isn’t about to change now.
Throwing my car in reverse, I dial up the first number on my cell phone. Steven’s greeting fills the speakers, as I drive swiftly out of the parking lot. Even with the shit that just went down, I’m still mindful of the fact that I’m in a school zone.
“Where are you?” I all but yell into the phone.
“Just pulling out of the office to head home,” Steven says, voice filled with concern.
“Head to my house,” I bark.
“I’m on my way.” Concern permeates through the speakers as he asks, “Are you alright?”
My mouth opens to answer him, but I just can’t say the word. Am I alright? Fuck, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like I’m alright, or that I ever will be again. Suddenly, being alright feels like an unobtainable destination. Like being lost in the desert and looking for water. You don’t even know if it even really exists anymore. “No,” I finally state before clicking off the phone.
I drive on autopilot from the pleasant neighborhood where Dani’s school is located to my estate in a gated community in Vegas. Pulling into the driveway, I punch the code into my security system. The gate slowly opens, granting access to my massive property. I pass the Town Car that Steven drives for me parked in front of the front door. Pulling into the garage, which is more like a small car museum, I park the Aston Martin next to a Mercedes SUV and take a deep breath.
I slowly make my way into the house as if my shoes were filled with concrete. My head is throbbing with a headache and my mind is clouded with every scenario and “what-if” I could come up with. Stopping at the cabinet in the back of my home office, I fill two fingers of Scotch into a tumbler. Then I add two more for good measure.
I throw back half of the glass before I even turn and face Steven. When my eyes find his, he’s watching me intently, gauging my behavior and cataloging my mood. Steven sits in the leather wing-backed chair across from my desk, waiting on me to make my move.
“I went to see Dani,” I tell him as I sit down in the chair next to him. Right now, I need Steven as a friend, not an employee.
“Good for you,” he tells me.
I take a few deep breaths before tipping my glass back and finishing off the liquid. “Do you remember when I told you about the time I met Dani?” I ask, knowing he’ll remember every detail of the encounter that I shared with him. I don’t even glance over to see his acknowledgement; I know he’s nodding his head.
“That night when I told you about meeting her, I left out one very big piece of information.” I long to get up and refill my glass, but I’m afraid that if I don’t get this out right this instant, I might fucking burst. My emotions are all over the damn place, and I don’t want to prolong this admission any longer than I have to.
Steven still doesn’t talk. I watch him out of the corner of my eye. His leg is casually crossed atop his knee and his body screams relaxed. Yet, I know Steven well enough to know that he’s anything but relaxed. He’s listening intently, waiting to either react to something physically or verbally. It’s the verbal reaction that I fear. And not because I’m afraid of Steven in any way, but because saying these words out loud will be an admission to my faults from that night eight years ago. Once I say it, it’s out there, floating around the universe, and I can’t take it back. I can’t hide it or look it away. I have to live with it and what that admission means.
“The night I spent with Dani, I didn’t use protection,” I state, looking over at my driver, my confidant. His eyebrow arches in comprehension, but he still doesn’t speak. It’s starting to piss me the hell off and makes me squirm a little in my seat. Steven is the only man who can unearth me with just a single glance. He knows too much, and knows me too well, the bastard.
“I went to see her today to apologize for my behavior yesterday. When I was talking to her, a little boy walked in.” I give him a few moments to absorb what I’m telling him. He continues to stare at me with those intense blue eyes. I shift in my seat, but he won’t take his eyes off me.
“She says he’s my son.”
Fuck. Saying those words almost make me choke on the emotions I’m feeling. Anger. Confusion. Fear. More Anger. Pride. That last one is the one I wasn’t expecting, and the one that scares me the most.
“Congratulations,” Steven says with a slight grin. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that word suddenly makes it feel real. I have a kid. A son.
“I’m scared to death,” I whisper.
“Reid, a child isn’t the end of the world,” he says.
“Maybe not for the average man, but I’m not that man. I don’t want kids, Steven. You know that. I don’t know anything about being a father.”<
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“Most men don’t know anything about being a father. At first. It’s something you have to learn, Reid. Like riding a bike.”
“But you can’t fuck up a bike for the rest of its life because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing,” I state blatantly.
“Sure you can. Have you ever wrecked a bike and then tried to ride it again with a bent wheel?” he asks with a grin. I don’t know why, but his comment makes me laugh. And, damn, does it feel good to laugh. “My point is, that it might be bent, but the bike is still a bike. It just needs a little TLC.”
“Can I ask you something?” he asks after a few silent minutes. Giving him a head nod, he continues. “Are you sure he’s yours? I mean, I’m not trying to be an jerk, but this girl wouldn’t be the first woman to claim she is the mother of the elusive Hunter Enterprise heir.”
“I saw him, Steven. There’s no denying that he’s my son.”
“Then, congratulations again. What’s his name?”
“Ryan. He’s gonna be eight next month.”
After several more long minutes of silence filled with tension and question, Steven finally speaks again. “So, what’s next?”
“I wish I knew. I kinda left without getting any more information out of her,” I say, squirming again in my damn seat. Damn it, why do I feel like a child sitting in front of the principal?
“What does that mean?” he asks.
“When she told me that he was my son, I sort of left without saying much. I was shocked and freaked the hell out. I can’t be a dad, Steven. I’m not built that way.”
“Bullshit,” he thunders at me, making me look into his eyes. “Yeah, you heard me. I call bullshit. You can do anything you put your mind to. I see it every day at the office, Reid. You always have been able to. There’s no reason for you to believe that you can’t be this boy’s father.”
“Are you kidding me? You know my dad,” I say back. The intensity level in the room just spiked to ten. Speaking of my dad rarely happens, but when it does, it usually ends badly.
“Yeah, I know your dad. He’s an asshole and a lousy example. But, that’s just it, Reid. He’s not you. I know you think you’ll turn out just like him, but you’d be wrong. You are nothing like your dad,” he states with a pointed look. I try to argue with him, but he won’t hear me out.
“What do I do now?” I ask after my heart rate drops as close to normal as possible. “I have no idea what to do, Steven. Tell me what to do.”
“I can’t do that, Reid. You just have to follow your heart and do what you think is best for that boy, because if anything, he has to be a priority of yours from here on out. If you want him to be, that is.”
Do I want him to be?
I could still walk away. I could financially support Dani and Ryan for the rest of their lives without blinking an eye. I could set him up with a trust fund of some sort, ensuring that he’ll always have everything he could possibly need. I don’t ever have to see him again, as long as the money always appears in their accounts. Though, they’ve clearly managed just fine without me for the past eight years.
Or I can get to know him….and what? I had a piss-poor excuse for a father. What the hell do I know about raising kids? And an eight-year-old? What the hell does an almost-eight year old eat, anyway? They’re not still drinking out of a bottle, I’m pretty sure, but shit.
I can’t do this.
“Well?” Steven asks.
“I don’t know. The easiest thing to do would be to just walk away and set them up financially. I just signed the Bravado deal yesterday, Steven. A kid doesn’t fit into that scenario.”
“You’re probably right, but only you can decide that. Think about it tonight, sleep on it, and see where your mind is tomorrow. She isn’t going anywhere, so you don’t have to decide your entire future right now.”
That’s the thing: my future’s already decided.
And Ryan doesn’t fit into it.
Chapter Seven – Movie Night
Dani
Ryan could tell something was up with me all night. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from teaching, it’s that the intuition of a child is powerful. They can pick up on your body language and your mannerisms with their little radars, pecking at you until you either give in or snap.
Ryan remained quite all through dinner, even when Trysta picked her olives off her slice of pizza and threw them at him. The smile he gave was forced and distant.
And it mirrored my own.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re in such a funk tonight?” Trysta catches me in the kitchen while filling the dishwasher.
I turn towards the sound of my sister’s voice. She’s ready for work even though she’s wearing yoga pants and a tank top. Her platinum blond hair is teased and sprayed, not a hair out of place, while her makeup looks like it was professionally done. Inside the bag that she drops on the floor is stuffed with tonight’s uniform. The short black skirt and black and white corset are offset by the four-inch stiletto heels in the bottom of the bag.
“I don’t even know where to start, Tryst.” Pushing a few buttons so that the cycle starts¸ I turn towards her. “Reid came to see me today,” I whisper. Saying it out loud is that slap in the face reminder of Reid’s arrival…and departure today at school.
“Oh my God,” she starts before walking over and sitting at the table. “What happened?” she asks.
“He showed up right after school let out. He did the craziest thing. He apologized.”
“And that surprises you, why?” she asks with a small smile.
“I get the impression that Reid isn’t the type of man to apologize about anything,” I say. “He’s…well, he just has this aura about him. It’s all authority and power.”
“I bet you wouldn’t mind him showing you a little bit of his power,” she says with a giggle and a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
“Geesh, Trysta. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“When was the last time your mind was anywhere near the gutter, Dani?”
“That doesn’t matter,” I tell her. And it didn’t matter to me. But for the record, it’s been a damn long time since I was close to the gutter. “What matters is that while we were talking, Ryan showed up in the classroom.”
“Seriously? What did he do?”
“He took one look at Ryan and knew. He didn’t give anything away, but I could tell. There was tension in the air that hadn’t been there before. As soon as Ryan left to go shoot hoops in the gym, Reid asked me about him.”
“And you told him,” Trysta states.
“Yeah,” I choke out. “And he walked away.” The image of Reid turning and all but running out the door like a fire-breathing dragon was nipping at his heels is so vivid and real that it’s like it just happened moments ago, not hours. I can see the wrinkles at the elbows of his white dress shirt from the day’s wear. I can see the way his Adam’s apple worked overtime to swallow. I can still see the way his entire body commanded my classroom, and maybe a little bit of my body.
“He walked out? He just left?”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “He just left. He asked me a couple of questions, but then his demeanor changed, and he just disappeared as quickly as possible. He said he had to go, turned around, and walked out of the classroom.”
“Now what?” she whispers. I don’t look up at her–I can’t. The emotions of the past thirty-six hours are so raw and so close to bubbling up to the surface, that if I were to look up and see the pity in her face, I know my carefully constructed façade would crack wide open. I would shed the tears that I’ve been fighting all night. And I don’t want to cry. Not over someone who owned all of my tears all those years ago. Tears that he didn’t even know I shed.
“Now, nothing. I go on with my life, raising Ryan and doing everything I can to ensure he has the best life possible,” I say while standing back up and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.
“Yeah, but you’re entitled to support, you know.
Reid has to support Ryan financially, even if he doesn’t want to be his father.”
“I don’t want his money, Trysta. I’ve made it this far without a dime, and I’m not about to ask for it now. I just have to keep saving everything I can for Ryan’s future. I’ve been working on his college savings, and I’ll continue to do so with my own salary.”
Trysta just looks at me with those wide blue eyes filled with so much sadness and sympathy. I hate that look. I don’t want it. I don’t want her–or anyone–to feel like they need to pity me and this life I’ve been living, the hand I’ve been dealt. I’ve been fine thus far, and I’m not about to let the fact that Reid chose to not be a part of his son’s life affect me. Or Ryan.
But that still doesn’t mean that I won’t mourn the “what could have been.” What could have happened if Reid was more understanding and accepting of the situation? The fact that my son could have had a father in his life will never be a mere memory. It will always be right there; front and center, in my mind, fluttering like a butterfly taking flight.
I won’t let this affect us. I can’t. I have been his mother and his father for almost eight years, and I will continue for as long as I live.
It’s the only choice I have.
* * *
Friday night brings movie night. Trysta always works the weekends when the tips are lucrative, so Ryan and I decided to veg-out in the living room with a movie and popcorn. While I pop a bag of extra butter instant popcorn, Ryan goes through his movies to decide which one we’ll be watching tonight.
“How about Planes? We haven’t seen that one in a while,” Ryan says from the kitchen doorway.
“That sounds good. I love that movie,” I reply with a smile. I wouldn’t trade these moments with him for anything in the world. I know the day is coming where Mom won’t be as cool, so I’m holding on to these moments as tight as I possibly can.
Once the buttery popcorn is divided into two bowls, I join my son in the living room. He already has the movie in the DVD player, and is waiting for the cue to push play. After changing into some comfy sleep shorts and a tank top, we finally settle down and start the movie.