“Oh,” she says.
“I like you, Juliet. I always have. But I’m not a boy anymore, I’m a man, and I like you in a way that I didn’t before. And I would love to go out with you sometime.”
“I’m going to stop you there,” she says.
Everything slows down and all I can think about is the LIC, with its shiny mirrors, neon-white lights, and skintight, sky-blue clothes. I failed. I failed so I’m going back. I was too forward too soon and I screwed everything up. I—
“Yes,” she continues. I finally look up at her, just in time to see her smile. “I would absolutely love to go out with you! So there’s no need to stress. Pick something for us to do and ask me properly then, because I’m guessing this was an impulse and you should make a plan. Also, I don’t want to think that you asked me out to prove you aren’t gay. We’re too special for that, and if we end up together for a long time I don’t want this to be the story of how you first asked me out. Oh God, I’m going to leave now before you think I have this big plan for our future, like a notebook filled with Mrs. Walker doodles or something. Which I don’t! Truly. Ugh, I’m shutting up now. I’m going to go and find Nat and Trev. So bye.”
She dashes away.
Did I do well, Kaylee? She said yes. That’s good, right?
I don’t know. It’s too early to tell, but she seemed a little bit uncertain. The date you take her on is going to have to be an absolute killer.
I walk into the crowd. The beat coming from the massive speakers makes my entire body vibrate. I slide between two girls and suddenly I’m surrounded by bodies. Facial features are only detectable when the neon lights flash. I roll my shoulders and crack my neck, then I start to dance. The music is good, and eventually I start to drift away, focusing only on my movements and the beat. I run my fingers through my hair, messing it up, and lose myself to the music.
CADEN!
What?
Juliet! Go to her now!
I shove my way through the crowd. People scowl at me as I pass.
She’s at the back of the gym. With Dyl. Alone. Run!
I finally break out of the mosh and stop beside the food table. I can see her. No, I can see them. At the back of the gym, a muscled, naked back is writhing against her. The wings bob up and down as he sucks like a vampire at the spot of skin beneath her ear. She’s pressed against the wall. He pulls his mouth away from her glowing white skin and runs his hand through her hair. And then he leans forward and whispers something.
STOP THEM, CADEN!
Their lips touch. She closes her eyes and slides her tongue into his mouth. My blood turns to slushy ice water. Around me the sound and movement of the party continue in slow motion, but all I can see is the two people in the shadow of the bleachers.
Kissing.
Tears fill my eyes.
“Caden?”
I blink rapidly and turn. Natalie and Trevor are walking toward me.
“Oh man,” says Trev. “That totally sucks. I’m so sorry, dude.”
Natalie reaches to grab my hand. I flinch away. “Are you okay, Caden?”
“Peachy, Natalie. I just … I’m going to go.”
To get to the exit I have to pass Dyl and Juliet. But all I can think about is the door, so I break away from Natalie and Trevor and head toward the closed double doors. There’s a long, empty stretch between me and the exit. Every step feels like it takes an eternity.
I wipe my eyes as I reach the door.
“Caden?”
It’s Juliet.
I look at her. She’s staring at me from over his bare shoulder. He’s not even looking at me; he’s still kissing her neck. Why isn’t he looking at me? Surely he’s thinking about how this would make me feel. All I can see is the rippling movement of his back muscles as he moves his hands up to her face, and the dark strands of his hair. He pulls away from her neck, giving me a glimpse of his face. His mouth is hanging open and his eyelids are drooping slightly.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and swing the door open. Outside is a long corridor. It’s empty, and most of the streamers that used to hang from the ceiling have fallen and now lie on the floor. Everything is still.
And the Academy Award goes to Caden Walker! Man, you looked so hurt!
I splutter as the tears turn into a full-on sob.
I am hurt! He was kissing her! I’m dead, Kaylee.
Oh.
I burst through the doors into the crisp night air. Through watery eyes I look up and notice the moon is nearly full, casting a silver glow over the parking lot. Suddenly woozy, I make my way back to the building. There, I press my back against the brick wall and try to take in a deep breath, but all I get is a shuddery gasp.
They picked each other over me.
So I’m going to die.
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
I’m lying on my bed on top of my blankets with my hands resting on my stomach, thinking about the two most important kisses of my life. First, the night I kissed Dyl. Second, Dyl kissing Juliet. No matter what I try to do I can’t get the images out of my head. My legs are crossed, so my left ankle sits atop my right. Cool fall air is blowing through my open window.
My iPod is resting on my chest. I’m listening to Hot Fuss, the album Dyl and I listened to in the car. The songs are all sort of romantic, but they aren’t love songs; they’re too angry and tinged with sadness for that. Still, I can’t help but think that Dyl deliberately picked this album for us to listen to. Did he hear these songs and think of me? Or did he just like it?
One of the songs, called “Andy, You’re a Star,” is pretty clearly about a crush that the lead singer has on another guy. That song, that inclusion, is the one I can’t shake from my mind, and it’s the song I’ve listened to more than any other. Surely Dyl would know the meaning of it. I mean, we kissed, and he seemed to really like it, so there’s a pretty decent chance he’s a little bit gay or bi. A straight guy couldn’t kiss me the way that he did.
Caden, are you awake?
I sit up and pull my earbuds from my ears. How long was Kaylee listening in? Or, more important, what does she now know about me? I should stop spending all my time thinking about Dyl, but it’s not like I can control it. If I could get rid of the thoughts, I would. So she probably now knows what I think about him, but I’m not going to be the one who starts that conversation. If she wants to talk about it, then I’d have to do it, but for now she seems to be content pretending my feelings don’t exist, and that’s fine with me.
Yeah, I am.
Good. It’s not over yet. Get dressed.
Why? It’s done. She kissed him. I’m dead.
Stop being melodramatic—she’s not even with him anymore. You can go and talk to her. Oh, and don’t wear a jacket. I’ve made you a set piece. I rigged the top of the lookout, so wait for my instructions and then do everything I say. If you do that, she’ll forget about Dyl. Trust me.
I almost laugh. Since when is trusting someone that easy? I turn and glance out my window. Strong wind is pummeling the trees, and the air smells like rain.
I stand up. Dyl isn’t giving up. He’s still playing this awful game. Even after we kissed, he still wants me to die. After everything he’s said to me, every moment we’ve shared, he hasn’t changed his mind. Am I going to let him kill me? No fucking way. If I lose, it’ll be because of Juliet. Dyl will never outplay me.
I pull on a gray shirt and a pair of skinny chinos. Then socks and my black Chucks. The mud from the walk to the shed is still dried onto the soles. I bang them together to dislodge as much of the muck as possible, then I creep through the house and walk outside. I stop on the sidewalk overlooking the paddock. The cows are on the ground, their heads curled inward. Only one is still upright.
What now, Kaylee? I’ll do whatever you need.
Walk all the way down the street. Then up the hill, to the lookout.
I walk on the sidewalk, past the place where we were mugged, until I reach the hill. I clim
b over the closed gate, ignoring the CLOSED AFTER 6 P.M. sign. A paved pathway cuts through the forest, going straight up the hill. The forest itself is still, just a lot of leafless trees, fallen logs covered in fuzzy green moss, and mountains of brown and yellow mulch. The path up is steep, and my legs start to burn.
When I reach the top, I’m above the town. It stretches out in front of me, glittering golden against the navy sky. A small raised box is embedded in the top of the cliff face: a lookout.
Juliet is leaning against the railing, looking out at the town. She’s leaning forward, with her arms bent and her head in her hands.
Tell her you’re here. Don’t scare her.
“Juliet?”
She spins and looks at me. Her cheeks are glistening, and the tip of her nose is red. She’s still wearing her Alice dress, but her feet are bare. I turn away from her and notice her high heels are on the bench. One is upright, the other has fallen onto its side.
“Caden?”
I nod and step up onto the metal platform. The metal mesh dips a little under my weight.
She turns toward me, but her hand remains on the railing. “What are you doing here?”
“I come here when I need to think,” I say. “What are you doing?”
She looks back out over the town. I walk over to her and follow her gaze. The town looks much bigger than I thought it was, filled with so many houses. I spot the school. So many things happen there, yet from here, it looks like nothing, just a tiny speck of light. I turn to face Juliet. She’s holding her head high, and the wind is making her hair flutter.
“I’m a mess,” she says. Her voice is an octave lower than usual. The slightly zany spark that usually lights up her tone is missing. “I told you I’d go out with you and then I kissed Dyl. Who does that? I think he just surprised me. I mean, he’s always flirty when he models for me, but I didn’t think anything was going to come of it. But tonight he was extra flirty, then he led me to the spot by the bleachers and he kissed me and I kissed him back. Seriously, what’s wrong with me? I should’ve said no.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Juliet.”
“But you looked so hurt! I don’t want to make anyone feel like that. Especially not you.”
I look down, shaking my head. “Don’t ever be sorry for making me feel what I feel. That was one sad moment, sure, but you’ve made me feel so happy countless times. Even if you break my heart it would be worth it. You’re special, Juliet, and I know you’re going to have boys falling for you your entire life. Don’t ever let them make up your mind.”
“You’re too kind to me,” she says. “You know, I was doing fine until you showed up. And then Dyl appeared and everything got so complicated.”
You have no idea.
“Do you like him?” I ask. “Dyl, I mean.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you like me?”
“I love you, Caden. I’m just not sure if it’s in the way you want me to.”
I grip the railing tight. “I want you to feel how you want to feel, Juliet.” I drum my fingers against the metal. “So, was he a good kisser? We’re friends, remember! I want to talk to you about this stuff.”
“It was actually my first kiss, so I don’t have anything to compare it to. But yep, it was hugely agreeable. He even tasted good, Caden.”
I snort. “What, pray tell, did he taste like?”
“I don’t even know—like boy, I guess?”
Caden, I’ve made you a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant. Ask her out.
“Oh, Juliet, I decided where we should go on our date. I booked us a table at …”
Mario’s on the waterfront. Seven-thirty, tomorrow.
I repeat what Kaylee told me.
Juliet smiles super wide. “You still want to go out with me?”
“Of course.”
“Oh my God! I thought I’d screwed everything up. I freaking love that place! Seriously, they have this pesto chicken pasta that’s pretty much my favorite meal ever.” Her eyes narrow. “How did you know?”
“I didn’t, I guess I just got lucky. So that’s a yes? You’ll go out with me?”
“Yes, it’s a yes. And Caden, I’m sorry about kissing Dyl. I don’t know what I was thinking. I get so swept up in him that I don’t feel like myself when I’m around him, you know?”
I know, Juliet. Oh boy, do I know.
“Let’s go,” she says. “It’s freezing up here.”
I jump down off the railing. She follows behind me.
She screams. I spin around in time to see her smash into the ground. She’s on her back, holding her thigh. Her knee is red and bloody.
Take off your shirt and give it to her.
On the ground, Juliet is whimpering.
You did this to her, Kaylee. My voice sounds angry.
I did. Show her you’ll make her feel better when she hurts herself. You’ll thank me for this later, Caden.
I pull my shirt off and crouch in front of her.
“Caden, what are you doing? It’s freezing.”
I look into her eyes, and scrunch my shirt up so it’s like a cloth. “I need to stop the bleeding.”
She nods, giving me permission, and I press the shirt to her bloody knee. She winces and lets out a hiss. I tie the shirt around her wound, and then place my arm under her knees.
“Grab my neck,” I say. “I need to get you out of here.”
She loops her arms around my neck. I bend my knees and rise. She’s actually quite light.
“I don’t know what happened,” she says quietly as I begin our descent. “I was fine and then it was like the ground shifted. It was weird, Caden.” She leans her head against my bare shoulder. “I’m so lucky you were here.”
They did this. They hurt her.
Kiss the top of her head and tell her everything will be okay.
I ignore the voice in my head.
* * *
A hard knock sounds on my window. I slide out of bed and open it. Dyl lingers there, staring at me. It’s been a few hours since I last thought about him, as my anger at Kaylee has been brewing within me, consuming all other thoughts. I’ve punched my pillow so many times it’s now limp and lumpy.
“We need to talk,” I say as I open the window. “They went too far today. They …”
I look at his face.
His eyes are puffy and red. His bottom lip is wobbling. “Caden.”
My anger melts away. “Dyl, what’s wrong?”
He sniffs and wipes his nose on his jacket sleeve. “Can I come in?”
I look around at my bedroom and realize that no one I care about has ever been in it. I’m suddenly conscious of the smell, which is like me before I go to bed: sweat mixed with my deodorant, and it’s tinged with the slightly sour smell of unwashed clothes. What will he think about that? Will he think I’m dirty?
“Yeah, man,” I say. “Sure.”
He clambers inside. As soon as he’s in I pull the window shut. That makes the room seem even smaller, and the air feels warm and cramped, reminding me of the cabin where we kissed. I shove that memory away and push the window open again.
He looks around. “So this is your room.”
“It sure is.”
He wipes his eyes with his sleeve. “Judy spent the last hour screaming at me. Apparently my kiss wasn’t good enough, and Juliet agreed to go out with you. She thinks it’s over.” He sits down on my bed, which makes the mattress screech. “So I’m officially dead.”
I recall how I felt after I saw them kissing, and realize he’s probably feeling the same mix of anger, sadness, and self-loathing.
“It’s not over yet,” I say. “I’m not winning—you’ve still got just as good a shot as I do.” I’m not sure if that’s the truth, but it’s what he’ll want to hear, and I’m willing to lie to make him feel better.
“Don’t, Caden. Please, I don’t want you to lie to me tonight.”
“I’m not lying. It’s just a date, Dyl. And she s
aid she enjoyed kissing you. Besides, I know what it’s like to kiss you. Trust me, she won’t forget about it in a hurry. So it isn’t over. You need to keep fighting.”
“Why should I? I won’t be able to live with myself if I let my only friend die, and the only other option is her choosing you and then I’m dead anyway. I can’t win and …”
“We’ve got time, Dyl. This world is our playground until she makes her choice. We can do whatever we want until then. It’s not done. Don’t give up. I … I won’t be able to handle it if you give up. You need to hold on.”
He gulps. “I’m not sure if I can, Caden.”
Silence fills the room.
I sit down beside him. “If you need anything,” I say, “just ask.”
He crosses his arms. “Well, there is something I want. Can I sleep here?”
“What?”
“Not on your bed, just on the floor. I don’t want to go back to my house. I hate it there, it’s so big and my fake aunt is so terrible. All I want to do is sleep here tonight. Please, Caden. I promise I won’t bother you.”
Is this fake? My gut tells me it’s real. What could he possibly hope to achieve by coming here like this? Being fragile and helpless is never a good strategy. That leaves only one option, one I desperately want to be true: he wants to spend time with me. I walk to my closet, open it, and pull out a pillow and a blanket.
“You can stay,” I say. “As long as you don’t try anything.”
He hugs the blanket and pillow. “Thanks.” He places the pillow on the floor. “For a lot of things.”
I jump up onto my bed and nestle down. “You’re welcome, I guess.”
He lies down on the floor. I realize that we’re both staring up at the same ceiling, the same one I’ve stared at countless times.
“I have a question for you,” I say, turning my head to the side to look at him. “Why do you like me?”
He faces me. “What?”
“Like, why do you even like spending time with me? You’re always coming to my window, but I don’t understand why. I just … I’m not a Nice, not really anyway, so I don’t see why you like spending time with me.”
The Love Interest Page 16