He made me see how fun it could be to date when it was done right-with no pressure. He was good to me, pure and simple. He was good to everyone. He helped me get my life back whether he knew it or not. A better life.
There was so much going on-tests, classes, and just hanging out with Cal and his friends-that I nearly forgot about my upcoming date with Ryker. But before I knew it, Friday arrived-and with it a host of nerves. As soon as I woke up Friday morning, I regretted my decision to go. Ryker was such a flake. But he seemed like my weakness. When he called, I came running. I got sicker and sicker thinking about spending time with him.
At home after school, I paced the floor, waiting for him to knock and get me.
“Maybe you shouldn't go, sweetie. I'm sure he could get someone to go with him. Remember the last time you had this feeling? Things didn't turn out so well, did they?”
“No, but this is Ryker.” I held out the bracelet Ryker had given me-the one he'd surprised me with at the corn maze what seemed like a thousand years ago. I gestured to my wrist, asking her to help me put it on. The charm hung down from the silver chain, glinting in the light of the chandelier. She sighed and helped me with the clasp.
“And where has Ryker been this whole time that you've been struggling?”
I fingered the charm, avoiding her eye. She had a right to that question; I'd asked it myself.
“Mom, you know what happened. I looked really bad. I don't blame him for never contacting me. Time just needed to pass. I'm sure he'll make it up to me.”
The more paranoid I got, the more I just wanted it to be over.
Then, Ryker rang the bell. My heart pounded as I let him in. From the moment he came through the door, his hands shook, just a bit. It made me feel like he really liked me, that he cared about me and wanted to impress me. I was glad I'd put the bracelet on. I didn't want to have feelings for him, but I couldn't help it. We had a natural attraction for each other that was hard to resist.
He helped me into the car. Before pulling out of the drive, he let his trembling fingers glide over the bracelet, and he looked thoughtful. When his eyes met mine, I smiled at him.
“You kept it.”
“Of course.” I gave him my best smile.
“I thought you'd have chucked it after the way I treated you.” He glanced at me, then away.
“That was my fault,” I said, even though I didn't really believe that anymore.
“I should have been there for you. I can be such a jerk.” He shook his head and looked at his feet.
“It's all right.” The words slipped out before I had a chance to really think about them.
“I'll try not to be such a jerk again.” He took my hand and squeezed it before leaving my drive. “I really don't mean to be. I don't want to be. Sometimes I just am. I'm sorry.”
“So am I, but I think you'll make it.”
He plugged in his phone to the adapter, and we cruised to his tunes on the way there, falling into an easy conversation about the songs and the artists. Once we'd reached the university, we walked into the crowded stadium, and he took me over to the concessions stands. He picked up popcorn, drinks, and hotdogs. We made our way onto the crowded bleachers and sat in our assigned seats. I had no idea so many people cared so much about baseball. The diehard fans even had soft seats that had backs that attached to the bench. During the downtime of the game when nothing was happening, he'd point people out to me.
“See that guy right there,” he pointed to an area closer to the field. “He's Karl Heiner. He pitched more no-hitters than any other pitcher in BYU's history.”
“You mean the guy with the blue cap and blue shirt?” I teased. The whole place was filled with blue. I had no idea who he was talking about.
He laughed. “Sorry. It's the guy in the, like, second row up, middle section, and he has his hands clasped behind his head.”
I thought I spotted him. He looked old. “So you've been following BYU baseball for a long time then?” The man flicked the bill of the small boy next to him. I guessed it was his grandson.
“Yep.” He nodded.
“Did you ever play?” I took a handful of popcorn.
“Since I was little.” He looked out over the crowd.
“So, what, swim team would end and you'd go right into baseball?” I ate the popcorn.
“Pretty much. It kinda goes hand in hand with it. Swim meets are mostly in the Fall and Winter here, and baseball was in the Spring and Summer.” His eyes sparkled at the memory. “But when I turned twelve, I had to decide which to focus on. I chose swimming, of course.”
“You never stop, do you?”
“Gotta keep moving forward or you end up going backward.”
He was right. I loved how passionate he was about swimming and how dedicated he was. On impulse, I put my hand in his. He smiled and squeezed it, weaving his fingers between mine.
The Cougars won, rounding out their season with an 11-5 winning record. Not bad.
I stood to go, and he reached up and tugged me down. “Now's when the real fun begins.”
I sat, my eyebrows squishing together.
“It's time to test your people watching skills.”
He talked in a low, husky voice. “See that couple right there, for example. The woman has a polka dotted shirt on.”
I spotted her immediately. She looked athletic even though she was easily sixty.
“What's her story?” he asked.
I thought about it for a minute then said, “Let's see. She grew up playing ball. Her husband's broad shoulders and tan, muscly arms tell me he still plays a bit of ball. In fact, they both played on teams here at BYU when they were young. That's how they met.”
“You're a natural,” Ryker said, a sly grin spread across his face.
“They married while still in school and one of the players out there on the field today is their grandson. They're reliving their glory days through him. They stay fit, playing in senior leagues that they organize.”
“I want to be like them when I'm their age.” He stared off in their direction without really focusing on them.
“What is it that you like about them?”
“Just look at them. They're fit, happy, and obviously rich. They wear expensive clothes and buy expensive seats. They're in no rush, either. They have family and are involved in their lives.”
When the couple got up, they walked down to the field and talked to a young man. Maybe there was a lot of truth in the story we'd just made up.
Ryker rubbed his forehead and stood. I followed him off of the bleachers.
After I climbed in the car, he pulled on the seatbelt, reaching across me and clicking it in place. He smelled so good. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. As he retreated, he kissed me-or tried to. In the second I realized what he was doing I turned my head and let his kiss fall on my cheek.
He straightened up a bit awkwardly, and I stared straight ahead, stunned. He closed the door and walked around to the driver's side, taking his time. I couldn't help but remember Cal's words about saving kisses for a special person, for a special moment. Ryker was a special person-at least my racing heart told me he was, but the moment?
He shut the door and climbed into the driver's side. My feelings for this guy were resurfacing, but the kiss was off. An alert sounded in my brain to be careful. I couldn't help recalling how Cal had held my hands and told me he respected me. And here was Ryker-pulling some kind of ridiculous stealth kiss, using a seat belt for an excuse.
I put my hand to my cheek almost involuntarily. I hoped Ryker wouldn't see. I felt awkward, did he? It had been a meaningless kiss. I had decided I wanted my kisses to mean something because they did mean something. I didn't want to give them away until they meant nothing, and they only meant nothing if I gave them away to everyone. I didn't want everyone to say they had kissed me. I wanted my kisses to be special. To mean something to a few.
Awkwardness filled the car for a few minutes until I said, “Uh. So. Whatcha doing this sum
mer?”
He laughed and so did I. The tension released. I should have called him on the kiss, but I decided not to. I just wanted the weirdness to end. I wanted to chalk it all up to him being nervous. It just seemed so out of character. Where had confident Ryker gone?
I watched him drive, thinking about how cute he was and how happy I was to be with him. I was excited to get to know him better. Even though my heart raced when I was with him, I would take it slow this time and make sure there was something real between us before I threw myself at him.
It was weird to think he'd be graduating in a little over a month, and I still had two years of school left. Did I really think there could be something between us? I didn't need a boyfriend. I was happy just having friends that were boys. I hoped that's what he wanted, too. I realized at that moment that it had been since before Christmas that I had really liked someone, and it had been okay. I had been okay. It was a nice feeling to be alone but not feel lonely.
He handed me his phone. “Why don't you pick some songs and make a playlist for the rest of the ride home?”
“All right,” I said, taking the phone and scrolling through the music. After I had put five songs in the playlist, he got a text. It was from Kelly, a girl from Northridge's swim team. I tried to close the alert and go back to the music, but I wasn't familiar with his phone, and somehow I opened the text.
So sorry I couldn't go with you to the game today. I'm sure it would have been fun. Next time you'll have to give me more notice than two days.
Two days? I stared at him. He must've felt me looking, because he glanced at me and smiled. But I had already accepted his invitation almost two weeks ago. What was he playing at? I scrolled through his texts. He had asked about ten other girls to go to the game after I'd said yes. They had all said no. What would he have done had one of the other girls said yes? Called me and told me something had come up and the game was off-or would he have just stood me up?
I narrowed my eyes and flipped back to his music. I had been putting songs that I knew he liked a lot in the playlist. Now, I would choose songs I really liked. Who cared what he thought? This was going to be a long drive home. I cranked the music and sang along, trying to pretend I was by myself.
Once we exited the freeway, he turned the music down.
“That was an interesting mix of songs.” He took a deep breath in.
“Did you love it?” I gave him a fake grin.
“I liked some of them, but please, with all that great music on my phone, you couldn't come up with a better playlist?”
“Don't judge. It could have been worse.” I raised an eyebrow.
“How about you sing to me? I'm tired of the radio.”
“Uh, no. I don't sing.”
“Well, I'm not taking you home until you do.” He gave me a defiant look, his jaw set and his eyes wide.
A needle of panic pierced my spine, but I would not let him blackmail me. “It's going to be a long night, 'cause you ain't hearing any music come out of this mouth.”
“I'll have to find a way to coerce you into it.” His voice was husky. It was the voice I loved.
We sat in silence. Uncomfortable on my end, but I had this feeling he was not uncomfortable at all. He was grinning and singing softly. We passed my street and I said, “That was my street.”
“You know my terms.”
We turned up a road that led up the mountain. Where was he going? We pulled in front of a home that was more like a castle. It was humongous. I'd seen it from town and commented on its size quite a few times. It had looked like it even had a guest house. To the south of it was a state picnic area about 500 feet from where several cars were parked. The street widened to allow people to turn around. The lights of the city twinkled in the dark night. This was a make-out point. He turned all right, but he didn't start back down the hill, instead, he parked next to another parked car, whose windows were all fogged up. I looked past the car to the row of many parked cars. Was he out of his mind?
He turned the car off and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Let me get to that coercing.” He leaned in. I leaned back.
He stopped, his eyebrows cinching together.
He reached out for my hand, and I pulled it away.
“What's up, Brooklyn? I thought you liked me.”
“Oh, I liked you. But that time has passed.” I pressed my lips together and tightened my fists. A small part of me wanted to cry at the loss of him, but the greater part of me ached to make him hurt.
He sat up straight, narrowing his eyes and breathing fast. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“I thought you asked me to go to the game because you liked me.”
“I did.” He threw his hands out to his sides.
“Then explain to me why you asked ten other girls to go after I had already said yes.” Fire burned inside me.
His jaw dropped and his hand shot up and stroked his chin.
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “Kelly texted while I was putting my playlist together. I wondered why she would be sad she turned you down two days ago when you'd asked me two weeks ago.” I tucked in my upper lip. Even though I wanted to hurt him, I felt like crying. Why did I feel like crying? “Just take me home, Ryker.” I pushed air out my nose and closed my stinging eyes.
He didn't say another word, just drove me home.
When he pulled up to my house, he stopped the car and just sat there, waiting for me to get out. I almost did, but with my hand on the door handle, I turned to him.
“You know, Ryker,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even. “I don't know what you were pulling tonight, with those other girls. I don't even want an explanation. I know enough. I know that you obviously don't value me the way I deserve. You only wanted me to fill a place tonight, and from the looks of things, pretty much any girl would have sufficed. Well, someone who treats me like that is not worth my time, or my kisses. Don't call or text me ever again.” In one quick move, I unhooked the bracelet from my wrist and dropped it in his cup holder. “I don't want this anymore.”
I opened the door and slammed it behind me, not looking back.
I walked in and went straight up to my mom's room. I couldn't hold the tears any longer. My mom held me, rocking my pain away.
Ali and I sat on my bed the next day, and she put her arm around me as I told her what happened with Ryker.
She shook her head and pressed her lips together. “He has some nerve.”
“Right?”
“Right.”
“But, I guess he did help me sort out all the stuff that had been running around in my brain. I mean, I really like the power I have to choose to make my kisses special and meaningful. I don't need a boy to make me feel important or whole. And just because a guy makes my heart race, doesn't mean he's good for me.”
Ali reached out and squeezed my hand. “I'm just so proud of you-for turning him down. That probably took a lot of guts.”
I chuckled. “You know, when we started that pact and decided to go to prom no matter what, I thought the worst rejection would be not getting a date. It's kinda funny.”
“What is?”
“I just had no idea what was coming. Cal rejected my kiss and barely a week later, I rejected Ryker's-you'd think all that rejection would feel awful, but it doesn't. I feel like I've really arrived, like I finally get it now.”
“So, Ryker's really out?”
I nodded.
“What about Cal?”
“He's the best guy friend I've ever had. I wish there could be more, but I don't see that. I'll still go out with him because we work well together. I love dating him. It's great to be pressure-free.”
Ali raised an eyebrow. “While I agree with you that nothing will probably happen between you and Cal, I know you, and I know the effect you have on guys. It's not going to be long before you fall crazy in love with some other guy who crosses your path.”
“I don't think I could take that happening any time soon, Ali. I'm definitely not going
to go looking for anything. I want things to stay just as they are right now. I'm happy. And guys tend to make me unhappy. Very unhappy.”
Famous last words, anyone?
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Rejected Kiss (Sweet N' Sour Kisses Page 7