The Year of Living Shamelessly

by Susanna Carr

  Oh, she didn’t know if she could do that. Katie stepped away from Ryder, and it took a huge effort. She hadn’t thought she was a very sexual person until she’d made love to Ryder. Once he gave her pleasure, the world had become sensual. She didn’t know if she could put a hold on that.

  She looked into his eyes, wrestling with her plan. He was going to leave town in two days. She still wanted to fulfill as many fantasies as she could with Ryder before the New Year.

  But he already thought that she was confusing love with sex. She knew the difference. He would be shocked to know that she did not have to be in love to have good sex. In fact, she had had sex for the hell of it and enjoyed it. But he didn’t need to know that.

  All he needed to know was that she loved him, and that she was of sound mind when she said it. That meant no sex. Even if it killed her.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Ryder asked.

  “I’m . . . I’m trying to work up the nerve to ask you to stay here just for today. I know you have a lot of things to do, but I also know you came here to find some peace and quiet.”

  “I always felt safe here, you know?” Ryder looked around the room. “Like I belonged.”

  “You do. So stay here,” she said, hating how choppy her words were. Could he tell that she was trying to hold back? “Just for today. I won’t crowd you. Promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “Good.” And that meant no touching, kissing, drooling or staring at Ryder. She could do this.

  “As long as I can stay the night,” he said with a gleam in his eye.

  “Even better.” He wanted to spend the night. Here. With her. When she had just promised herself no touching, kissing, drooling or staring. How was she going to survive that?

  Okay, new rule. She would be the good girl Ryder thought she was. She wouldn’t initiate the touching and kissing. That would be better. And she’d let Ryder make the first move and every one after that.

  It was going to be a really long night.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  December 30

  He was officially domesticated, Ryder thought with a content smile. If Jake saw him now, he would claim that Ryder was completely wrapped around Katie’s finger. Ryder wouldn’t argue, although he would like to think that Katie was bound to him just as tightly.

  Ryder looked down at Katie, who was snuggled against him on the couch. She looked so small and delicate tucked against his side. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and pants, but he couldn’t think of a time she looked more feminine. Her scent teased him and he was drawn by her softness. He couldn’t stop touching her. Katie’s long black hair was draped over his arm and he was tempted to wrap the length of hair around his hand until he could palm the back of her head. Then he could kiss her just the way he wanted, for as long as he felt like.

  He could do that right now. Katie wouldn’t refuse him anything, and that knowledge heightened his senses, his need for her building. It was going to take hours to sate this kind of hunger.

  He was surprised that Katie wasn’t impatient to get him back in bed. Her body hummed with need, he could tell, and she was generous with her long kisses and sensual caresses, but she was holding back. In fact, she had been so sweet and attentive. Accommodating. Quiet and shy.

  Something was up.

  He wasn’t going to say anything just yet. Why mess up a good thing? But Katie’s biddable behavior niggled at him. Was she trying to show him what he’d be missing once he left? Most likely. But he was already taking some good memories with him, and most of them starred Katie. Some of those moments would have been insignificant to her, and others she would want him to forget, but he treasured the imperfect times just as much as a day like today.

  These were the final moments he had with Katie. He thought he would experience a sense of frantic urgency. If anything, he thought Katie would try to cram a lifetime into a few hours until it felt like they’d run a marathon. Instead, the lazy winter day stretched into a warm, sensual night and drifted into another snowy day. As he held her close he thought about everything he would be leaving behind when he moved away. His friends, the sense of community in Crystal Bend—despite the small-town gossip that drove him crazy—even the weather. He wouldn’t be able to enjoy lazy winter days like this when he moved to Dubai.

  Ryder sighed and pulled her closer. He liked the sense of being cocooned in the house, away from the rest of the world. It gave them a chance to be a couple, no matter how little time they had. As he looked down at Katie he remembered the good times they’d shared in the past. Like when she had quietly let him in the back door at the Kramers’ house when he had an angry ex-girlfriend chasing him down, or the numerous occasions when she’d pulled him out of bar fights if situations got out of hand. Katie was the only one who listened with understanding when he poured out his true feelings about his absent mother, and she could always offer a witty insight that made him smile at his own situation.

  And now, Katie was making every one of his wishes come true, but secretly he hoped her docile behavior didn’t last much longer. He missed the challenging, teasing temptress. The one who could handle him at his worst. At least he knew she couldn’t be this submissive for so many consecutive hours. If she didn’t unleash the bratty, naughty, unpredictable side of herself soon, he would have to do something drastic. A curl of wicked anticipation flickered deep in his gut.

  Either way, it was a win-win situation for him.

  Good-girl sex wasn’t bad, Katie decided. There were some benefits, like letting Ryder do all the work, from the seduction to holding her when she fell asleep in his arms. He really pulled out all the stops, and it overwhelmed her. She enjoyed every moment.

  However, she had to be on her very best behavior all day and all night. It was hard for her to remember that when the love of her life was kissing her so passionately that her toes curled. And being ladylike in bed meant no grabbing, biting or taking. That had been tough.

  If Ryder had noticed her reserve, he hadn’t mentioned it. He had made love to her so thoroughly that he probably attributed her quiet behavior to sleepiness.

  She wasn’t going to regret her decision to be the sweet, innocent good girl Ryder thought she was. It wasn’t her fantasy, but maybe it was his. Ryder certainly made the most of their night together and she had no complaints. After all, one of her wishes had come true: he had spent the night in her bed.

  And for once the planets were aligning in her favor. It was as if the gods approved of her decision and were rewarding her with an extra day. When she and Ryder woke up they discovered that it had snowed and iced during the night. Ryder couldn’t leave until the snowplows came by and they hadn’t shown up yet.

  Sometimes it paid to be a good girl. She rested her head against Ryder’s shoulder and curled up against him as they sat on the couch next to the fire. They enjoyed a lazy day alone.

  She would have preferred to have spent the entire day naked in bed and blocking out the world with a couple layers of quilts, but good girls were too virtuous to have marathon sex. Damn those good girls. Instead of tying him up and enacting her wildest fantasies, she planned to do innocent things to pass the time, like cook breakfast with Ryder, and maybe watch TV or play cards.

  Ryder held her in his arms and stroked her hair. Katie pressed her lips together and closed her eyes, trying not to follow her naughty instincts. She needed to think of something that wasn’t sexy. Nothing came to mind at the moment. All she could think about was how good it felt to be this close to Ryder, and how much better it would feel if they were skin to skin.

  How had Ryder maintained his distance from her all this time? Was he superhuman? She was already a trembling mass of need. Ryder gently massaged the base of her skull, working out the tension with his fingertips. She wanted to purr and stretch like a cat, and that was just from a simple touch.

  Now she was getting a better sense of the torture she’d put Ryder through. Maybe the gods weren’t smiling down on her. Mayb
e this was her penitence. She could ace this test. If Ryder had been able to do this for years, she could do this for a day or two. Definitely no more than two.

  Ryder tilted her head and kissed her gently on the lips. Okay, good. Light kiss. She could handle it. She wouldn’t claw at him, or try to strip him bare at the touch of his mouth.

  He kissed her again. His touch was gentle but exploratory. Her lips clung to his as he nibbled at her mouth. His fingertips glided from the top vertebrae and slowly down to the small of her back, and then slid back up again.

  He was trying to kill her. That had to be it. Destroy her restraint inch by delicious inch.

  Katie knew she should have worn more layers, or at least a bra under her sweatshirt. A bra would have been good. Or maybe jeans instead of sweatpants. She needed more armor and something that couldn’t slide off her body in a moment of weakness.

  Ryder moaned with pleasure as she parted her lips and drew his tongue into her mouth. She hadn’t meant to do that. He just sort of slipped in. She needed to be more vigilant.

  It was really important to show Ryder that she wanted more than sex, but her resolve was weakening at his every touch. The boundaries she had set had moved so far that now she had only one rule: Don’t be aggressive. She kept her hands to herself and she didn’t instigate any touch, no matter how much she wanted to.

  Ryder’s hand slipped under her sweatshirt. The feel of his rough, callused palm on her soft bare skin made her shiver. Katie was getting to the danger point. If she didn’t move away right this very minute, Ryder was going to find out just how much she wanted him for sex.

  But Katie didn’t move. It felt so good to be cradled in Ryder’s arms. She was addicted to his long, wet kisses. She needed him to touch her, cup her breast and rub his thumb hard against her nipple.

  Katie moaned and arched into his hand, wanting him to squeeze her breast. She grabbed the back of his head, bunching his hair in her fists and grinding him closer.

  No, no, no. She couldn’t do this. She had to show Ryder how much he meant to her besides sex. Katie reluctantly let go of his hair and pushed herself away. She was breathing heavily as she jumped off the couch.

  “Where are you going?” Ryder’s voice was rough with desire.

  “I need to check if the streets are clear.” She went straight to the window and stared outside. It was beginning to turn dark and there was still a blanket of snow in the street.

  “That’s what you were thinking when you kissed me? Snowplows?” Ryder was sprawled on the couch and Katie looked away. His chest rose and fell and she could see his aroused cock pressing against his jeans. She needed to stay away or she would jump him.

  “What’s going on, Katie?” Ryder asked quietly. “You asked me to stay and then you act shy around me.”

  “I’m not shy with you. I’ve been trying to show you that I’m not just interested in sex.”

  Ryder smiled wickedly. “That’s what you’ve been doing?” He threw back his head and laughed out loud.

  Ryder had been wondering what was going through her mind. At first he thought she was shy about declaring her feelings, and then he’d considered the possibility that she now regretted it. But that wasn’t like Katie.

  It wasn’t until late in the night that he suspected she was already distancing herself from him. It bothered him, but what else could he expect? How could she give herself so freely and completely, knowing that he would leave her soon?

  But he had never thought Katie was trying to prove that she was interested in more than his body. Good to know, but she didn’t have to go to so many extremes. He couldn’t stop laughing. Only Katie would do something like this.

  Katie glared at him, obviously not in a laughing mood. “It’s not funny. You said that I was confusing sex with love.”

  “I was wrong,” he admitted quickly, doing his best to keep a straight face. He was willing to take the blame for putting that idea into her head. “You don’t need to prove it to me.”

  She looked at him suspiciously. “You’re just saying that so I will go back over there.”

  Katie knew him too well.

  She frowned as his grin widened. “I’m serious.”

  He was worried about that. She seemed very determined to show that she didn’t need to make love to him. He had to break down her resistance.

  “So you won’t touch me, and now I can’t touch you.” Ryder rose from the couch. “I’m sure we can work around this.”

  Katie crossed her arms. “I’m not trying to be difficult.”

  “I know,” he said as he approached her. She was trying to show the depths of her feelings. He didn’t mean to test her. “And it’s very sweet of you.”

  “There you go again. I am not sweet,” she insisted.

  “I’m counting on that.” Ryder picked up Katie and swept her into his arms, heading for the stairs before she could protest. He loved the small yelp she gave as she grabbed on to his shirt.

  “This is not a game,” Katie said as he took the first step. “I don’t know why you see this as some sort of challenge.”

  “I’m not,” he promised as he climbed up the stairs. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I’m sorry that you felt the need to hold back. And I know you’re not going to give up without a fight, so I need to wear you down.”

  “By not touching me? Or me not touching you?” She scoffed at the thought. “I’d like to see you try.”

  “It’s very simple,” he said as he entered her bedroom, the lust pounding through him. “I want to watch you.”

  “Watch me do what?” Her eyes widened with comprehension. “Oh! You want to watch me touch myself?”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said, his voice raspy, as he laid her down on her bed. The wicked excitement pressed against his chest before curling into his belly. He wanted to watch Katie pleasure herself with abandon.

  Ryder saw that the suggestion excited her. She pressed her mouth shut as she blushed. “I don’t know if I should,” she murmured, rubbing her thighs together.

  “Please?” he asked, his mouth against her ear. “I fantasized about this. Wondering what you would look like, lying in your bed, thinking of me.”

  She gasped at his audacity. “And all you want to do is watch?”

  Now that was a loaded question. He wanted more, lots more, but this was a good start. “I won’t touch you,” he promised with a smile. “You want to do this, don’t you? I can tell.”

  She ducked her head. “What about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me.” He wanted all the focus to be on Katie.

  “You’ll have to get undressed. I’m going to need some inspiration,” she teased.

  Ryder smiled as he pulled off his shirt. He was more than willing to fulfill that request. “You, too.”

  He watched Katie undress. He didn’t think she intended it as a slow striptease. He could tell that she was a little nervous about masturbating in front of him. It was a deeply personal experience, and it required a level of intimacy.

  Ryder was already naked while she stripped off her panties. His cock was erect and curving toward his flat stomach and it wouldn’t take much for him to climax. He watched Katie lay back down on the bed and he knelt on the edge.

  “Touch yourself,” Ryder encouraged her in a husky voice. He wanted her to enjoy this moment, but was she ready to be this intimate?

  Katie closed her eyes as she skimmed her hands along her breasts and down her stomach. Ryder clenched his hands into fists, wanting to touch her just like that.

  As she glided her palms across her pelvic bone, Ryder noticed that she kept her eyes shut. He wasn’t going to request that she open them, even though he wanted to see her eyes. Maybe she needed this one veil of privacy, and he was willing to respect that.

  Katie parted her legs and cupped her sex. She let the heat coat her hand before she started to rub. Ryder’s chest rose and fell, his breathing harsh and loud to his ears.

  Katie boldly opened her eyes and
their gazes connected. He couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. Katie grabbed her breast and squeezed it as she watched Ryder’s expression. His nostrils flared as the lust coiled tightly inside him.

  “Touch yourself,” she told him. “I want to watch you, too.”

  He felt a muscle twitch in his cheek but didn’t say anything. If he touched himself, this was going to end faster than he planned. But he couldn’t refuse. He wrapped his hand around his cock and started pumping in long pulls.

  Katie seemed mesmerized by the sight. She rocked her hips as she played with her clit. Her finger flicked over the swollen nub in a light, fast touch while Ryder stroked his cock slow and hard. He bucked against his hand when he really wanted to thrust deep and hard into her. Katie wiggled her hips and parted her legs more, giving Ryder a glimpse of her hot and juicy pink core.