by Tim Howard
DEDICATION
For my mom, who gave me everything
And for Alivia and Jacob, who are my everything
CONTENTS
Dedication
Author’s Note
PART ONE
USA vs. Belgium: Pregame
In New Jersey, Anything Is Possible
Goals That Mattered
My Own Private Soccer Academy
“It Will Take a Nation of Millions to Hold Me Back”
Like Nowhere Else
Growing Up
“We’ve Got Our Eyes on You”
“To Whom Much Is Given”
PART TWO
USA vs. Belgium: Warning Shots
“You’re Not in America Anymore, Son”
The Longest Season
Benched
#24
Like Coming Home
PART THREE
USA vs. Belgium: Nothing Gets Through
Gold Cup
Slaying Dragons
“Look at Me Now, Poppa”
“Can We Get Beyond This?”
PART FOUR
USA vs. Belgium: Still Alive
Divorce
Moving Forward
Changing the Scoreboard
Broken
New Faces
World Cup Training
Team USA
Making History
Game of My Life
Photo Section
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The game I play has a different name in the U.S. than it does in the rest of the world, and I’m one of the few people who uses both. When I’m playing for my club team, Everton, in Liverpool, England, I refer to the sport as football, but when I’m playing for the U.S. National Team, I call the sport soccer. In this book, I have decided to go with the latter.
PART
ONE
USA VS. BELGIUM: PREGAME
ARENA FONTE NOVA
SALVADOR, BRAZIL
JULY 1, 2014
Even from the locker room, I can hear the rumbling of the crowd. The drumbeats. The chants: USA! USA!
I believe that we will win.
I spent the past 24 hours doing what I always do: I stuck to my routine and stayed focused. Just as I’ve done today, warming up.
I started, as usual, by getting dressed in the same order—right leg before left for shin guards, socks, and shoes. Then I taped my fingers in precisely the same pattern I always follow. On the field, I checked the orange cones, right to left, with my feet, moving the one that my goalkeeping coach leaves off center deliberately so I can realign it.
This whole process might seem crazy to everyone else, but to me, nothing makes more sense. It’s the only way I know to feel calm and in control.
It’s the routine I’ve had since my first game at Everton, when I finally had the experience and conviction to take control of my own preparation. Eight years and 500 games later, it still works—it puts my head in the right place, a place that tells me I can handle whatever comes my way.
I can’t know what’s coming. I only know how to make myself feel ready for it.
A few feet from where I’m standing now in the locker room, Michael Bradley looks intently at our center-back Matt Besler. When they put Lukaku in, Michael says, his voice measured, assured, you’ve got to close him down alright? Michael moves on to DaMarcus Beasley, our left fullback. When Mirallas comes on, you can’t let him get behind you.
Jürgen Klinsmann moves through the locker room clapping players on the back. He’s upbeat as he makes the rounds. He speaks to Julian Green, quietly, in German. Whatever he says, Julian smiles.
Nearby, Clint Dempsey pulls his yellow captain’s armband over his bicep. His hardened jawline, his steely eyes tell me all I need to know: it’s on.
There’s a poster on the wall of the locker room, a close-up image of a bald eagle, staring straight ahead. The words next to it:
WE CAN AND WE WILL.
ONE NATION, ONE TEAM.
Something is in the air. I can feel it. Actually, I’ve been feeling it since we arrived in this country, every time I spotted an American flag next to a Brazilian one on a clothesline, every time I heard strangers shouting to us, “I believe!”
I believe that we will win.
I believe that we have everything we need this time.
We are strong. We have speed and power and grit. The fight is in us.
We’ve been beating powerhouse countries for over a decade.
We’ve earned a spot as the top team in our region; we’ve even beaten Mexico on their home turf for the first time in history.
We’ve beaten Spain in the Confederations Cup, making us the first team in 36 games to conquer the defending European champions. We’ve surprised the soccer world again and again and again.
Last night, Michael Bradley looked me straight in the eye and said the thing that everyone seems to be feeling, but which they haven’t yet dared to say out loud: “I really think we can beat Belgium. I think we can get to the quarterfinals.”
I believe that we will win.
Dempsey calls us over. Let’s get this done for our country, okay? We’re pumped now. Anyone else have something to say? Tim?
No. I’ve said it all. Marked up the white tactics board and tapped it again and again, reminding our defenders of our strategy.
Dempsey locks eyes with me, then says to the group, Let’s bring it in on three.
We place our hands in a circle. Dempsey counts, and we respond in unison. USA!
We walk out of the locker room. In the hallway, I see the two Belgian players who also happen to be my Everton mates: Kevin Mirallas and Romelu Lukaku. We hug, but we all feel the tension; we’re not teammates today. We’re opponents.
Belgium’s starters line up; we fall into place beside them, our eyes fixed straight ahead. Nearby, children wait, ready to take our hands.
The referee stands between us, holding the ball.
That ball: I ask the ref if I can hold it. Another ritual. I turn it over in my hands, feeling its curve against my keeper’s gloves.
Then I make the sign of the cross.
Michael bellows, “Come on, boys.”
Almost there.
That’s when I say the same prayer I always do before a game, the one for my children: I pray that they’ll know how much I love them, that they’ll be protected from harm. This is the prayer that grounds me, that puts everything in perspective.
We walk out of the tunnel, and the stadium erupts.
It’s all color and light and sound. The green of the field, the ref’s neon jersey, the blue stands that surround us. Flags and scarves and banners everywhere, in red, white, and blue. The thunderous roar of that crowd.
When I reach the field, it’s time to bend down and touch the grass; then the sign of the cross, again. Two more rituals.
I believe that we will win.
Somewhere in that roaring crowd sits my mom. Simply knowing she’s there gives me the old feeling I had as a kid playing rec league soccer, when she’d move closer to me during a tough moment, lending me strength—telegraphing the message, simply by her presence: You’ll be okay, Tim.
I know others are watching back in the States. My old coach. My dad. My kids. My brother. Laura.
And so many more. Nearly 25 million people in the U.S. watched our last game against Portugal—50 percent more than had tuned in to either the World Series or the NBA Finals. At this very moment, people are crowded into public spaces all over the U.S., watching together. Twenty-eight thousand in Chicago’s Soldier Field. Twenty thousand in Dallas. Ten thousand
in the small city of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
They’re out there right now, wearing Uncle Sam hats, stars-and-stripes T-shirts, their faces painted red, white, and blue. They’re out there for us. They believe in us.
I believe that we will win.
When the whistle blows, I cross myself for the third time. The final ritual.
We can do this. I am certain of it. We can win today. And if we do, if we advance to the quarterfinals, it will be the greatest thing I’ve ever done for my country.
This is going to be the game of my life.
IN NEW JERSEY, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
All my saves are rooted in New Jersey—every leap, every block, every kick and dive and fingertip touch. All of them were born in Jersey.
I spent my childhood following my older brother, Chris, around Northwood Estates, our apartment complex in North Brunswick. While “Northwood Estates” might conjure images of rolling hills and English gardens, the reality was far more modest: a group of functional brick buildings, with 250 units in all, wedged between Routes 1 and 130. We were the far outer edge of the suburbs, a stone’s throw from a pizza shop and not much else.
A few miles away were the manicured streets of the Fox Hill Run development, where some friends of mine lived. I was always taken aback by the upper-middle-class luxury of their homes: high ceilings and white carpets and light streaming in through skylights. They had pool tables in finished basements, huge backyards with pools and hexagonal gazebos where their parents sat sipping glasses of wine. If you could make it to Fox Hill Run, I thought, you really had it made. But if Jersey gave me anything, it gave me perspective. A few miles in the other direction lay a rough apartment complex with a reputation for gang violence and corner crack deals.
In our New Jersey, we heard a medley of languages—Spanish, Polish, Punjabi, Italian, Hebrew. Leaving our apartment each day, we were often hit with a pungent and mysterious odor; it took years before my brother and I figured out that it was the smell of curry bubbling, the nightly fare for a Sikh family who lived in an adjoining building. One of the kids in that family, Jagjit, rode his bike with us, occasionally stopping to adjust his turban.
In that eclectic, multinational mix, I fit right in.
My own father, who moved out before I formed my first memory, is black, a Woodstock hippie turned long-haul trucker. My mother is white, born in Hungary to a teacher and a former POW. Although deeply shy with others, Mom was always affectionate and loving with me and Chris.
The world around me was so diverse, so filled with different ethnicities and experiences that I never bothered to wonder about my own skin until I was ten years old.
“Why does your skin have that dark color?” a white classmate asked one afternoon.
I looked at my arm and considered his question. My skin was pretty dark, now that he mentioned it. I shrugged.
“My family went to Florida,” I said. It was true. We had been to Florida . . . about 20 weeks earlier. “I guess I still have a tan.”
We didn’t have much. My mother raised me and Chris in a small, one-bedroom apartment—my “bedroom” was supposed to be the dining room, and my brother’s room was in the basement. Mom paid for food and rent from her meager earnings working for a distributor of packing containers—an hour commute in each direction. By the time I got older and we needed money for travel soccer teams and uniforms, Mom had to supplement her day job with shifts at a roadside home furnishing store.
Mom’s worry about money was constant. “Turn off the lights!” she always pleaded as Chris and I tumbled from room to room, wrestling and smacking each other in the head. “You’re wasting energy!”
She clipped coupons before our weekly trips to Pathmark, and then filled the cart with generic-brand boxes of food. For housewares, we’d head to U.S. 1 Flea Market, where we found garage sale prices. For clothes, it was always Sears; the knees on their pants were reinforced with double the fabric, so they lasted longer.
On winter mornings, we’d wake up shivering and walk into the tiny kitchen. There, Mom turned on all four stovetop burners for us to huddle around and get warm.
Mom’s long hours at work meant that Chris and I were latchkey kids, left to our own devices after stepping off the school bus. After seven hours struggling to sit still in the classroom, these wild, unstructured afternoons were blissful freedom.
In Northwood Estates, we could always find a game being played somewhere—street hockey or touch football or Manhunt in the woods. Chris and I dashed over to the basketball hoop to play some pickup, or headed to the scrubby field to hit a baseball. Sometimes we tossed footballs while dodging cars in the parking lot.
I wanted to play everything.
I wanted to win everything.
It didn’t matter to me that most of the kids organizing the games were years older than I was, bigger and tougher and more skilled in every way. I still wanted to be as good as they were—better than they were—so I jumped in and played hard, no matter how much I got knocked around.
And I did get knocked around.
Once, on the basketball court, a kid named Jimmy fouled me so hard I dropped to the ground. Jimmy was three years my senior, and a terrific basketball player, tough as nails. I’d seen him get into a fistfight with another player, a brawl so rough that Jimmy had started bleeding from the eye and lip—only to return immediately to the game as if nothing had happened.
From the ground, I looked up at Jimmy, and he stared back at me, unblinking. It was as if he was saying, I don’t care how old you are. I’m not going to let you win this game.
I met Jimmy’s stare. Well, I’m not going to let you win by knocking me down.
I got up. He tossed me the ball, and we started playing again.
If things got out of hand, though, Chris was right there for me. My brother might have punched me regularly around the house—often delivering a blow to the gut so hard it knocked the wind out of me—but he was also always the first to stand up on my behalf. He was fearless that way. During another basketball game, I got into a scuffle with a wild kid named Darren. Chris was on crutches at the time, but when Darren hit me, Chris was off his crutches in an eyeblink, punching the daylights out of him.
“Quit messing with Tim!” Chris cried as he pummeled Darren. He punched that kid so hard we would later learn he’d broken Darren’s nose. “Just play the game.”
Later that night, though, Chris punched me in the gut. “I saved your butt, jerk.”
I hit him back, so fast I barely tapped him, then turned on my heels. If he caught me, he’d start pounding me the way he did Darren. So I ran like hell, knocking over lamps and books as I barreled through the apartment with Mom begging us to please, for goodness sake, calm down.
It was business as usual for the Howard boys.
Each night when Mom got home from work, she set her purse down and headed straight for the pantry to scrape together some sort of dinner for us. By now Chris and I were hungry as bears. We devoured anything and everything she put in front of us: hot dogs, mac and cheese, cans of beans, bowls of Pathmark cereal for dessert.
After dinner, we were at it again, wrestling and rolling around on the carpet.
“Please, no Clash of the Titans tonight,” Mom might say. She called us that—Clash of the Titans. We were both big kids, all limbs and elbows and energy, and we did a lot of damage when we got brawling.
Mom longed to put a record on, hear a few bars of Joan Baez or close her eyes and sing along with James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” before doing the dishes—enjoy a few minutes of peace in her own home. She begged us to settle down, please, please be a little quieter. When we didn’t, she finally broke. She started shouting in Hungarian, her native language—throaty curses that neither Chris nor I understood. To us, her words sounded like gibberish. And although she was steaming by now, ready to toss us out the apartment window, we couldn’t help ourselves: we’d start laughing at all of Mom’s crazy sounds.
“Enough,”
she snapped. “Downstairs.” She chased us out of the kitchen and out of the living room, down to the basement, where we fell to the floor holding our stomachs. We were laughing that hard.
Thursdays were spent with Poppa and Momma—my mom’s parents—in their split-level home in the nearby town of East Brunswick.
Poppa had this crazy trick; he could fall asleep in an instant. It was something he picked up while he was prisoner of war, a forced laborer, in 1944–45, given no rest.
Once he was released, he tried for almost a decade to go to a university. But under Soviet communist rule, only peasants and laborers could earn a higher degree; he labored on factory floors instead. During the 1956 Hungarian student uprising, the first major threat to Soviet control of the country since the end of World War II, Poppa had helped organize factory workers. The uprising had inspired a revolution, then the revolution invoked a backlash. Poppa was informed he would be tried for treason—a certain death sentence. So Momma and Poppa escaped Hungary under the cover of night with my mother, then six, and her infant brother, Akos, in tow.
Poppa told us these stories as my Momma and my great-grandmother—my Poppa’s mom—bustled around the kitchen preparing stuffed cabbage and dumplings and meat dishes heavy with paprika. My great-grandmother was a tiny little thing, always in an apron, the wrinkles on her face deep and hardened. As the food bubbled on the stove, my brother and I listened, completely rapt, to Poppa’s thickly accented tales. Later, I’d drift off to sleep, wondering about the kind of strength it took to survive a prison camp, to march with your hands on the shoulders of the prisoner in front of you so that you could sleep standing up.
When Poppa had arrived in New Jersey with his family, they had nothing whatsoever. He found a job as a factory janitor at Johnson & Johnson, and over the next three decades he slowly worked his way up through the ranks of the company. By the time he retired, he’d become a senior research scientist, a number of patents in his name.
This house we sat in every Thursday, with its tidy lawn and middle-class comforts, was testament to Poppa’s success in America—proof that freedom and hard work made everything possible.