by Hayden Hunt
I wished so badly now that I could let him have Bailey to sleep with. It would comfort him so much to have her in that house with him, and I didn’t particularly need her anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I still loved Bailey. I was very attached to Bailey. But when she first stayed with me, my favorite thing about her was the way she filled my house with a pleasant company. Now, I didn’t need that company. Now that I had Charlie in my life, I was a lot less lonely.
I felt protective over Bailey too, though. I knew the house made her uncomfortable and I couldn’t sacrifice her feelings just to make Charlie more comfortable. No matter how badly I wanted him to be.
A ding from the kitchen pulled me out of my reverie. It was the oven, letting me know my timer had gone off.
Damn it, I thought to myself. Charlie was supposed to be here by now. I timed the salmon and roasted vegetables so that they’d be finished right as he arrived. I wanted tonight to be perfect.
I moved the food in the oven to the microwave and hoped it would stay warm when he arrived. To my relief, right as I was shutting the microwave door, I heard him knocking.
I quickly lit the candle on my kitchen table. I had already set the table with my fanciest silverware while I was waiting for the food to cook in the oven. I had also already lit a bunch of other candles that sat on the window sill behind the kitchen table, as well as the counter tops.
I took one last look at the setting I had laid out before I went to get the door for Charlie.
“Hey.” He smiled as he stepped in before he saw all the candles.
“Hello there.” I smiled back.
“What is all this?!” he said with an ear-to-ear grin.
“Oh, just a little something I’ve got set up for tonight. And the food’s already done, so sit,” I told him as I walked behind him to take his jacket off.
“This is absolutely beautiful!” he said as he chose one end of the table to sit at.
“I thought you might like it,” I said as I pulled the food, which was still piping hot, out of the microwave.
I brought the pans over to the table and carefully scooped out vegetables and salmon on his plate and mine.
“This looks delicious.” He smiled.
“Well, I know it’s a ‘Noah’ meal,” I said, referring to what Charlie called all my healthy food, “but I also have a ‘Charlie’ dessert for you.”
“Please, please tell me it’s cheesecake.” He grinned.
“You’ll just have to wait and find out,” I answered.
But it was cheesecake.
I sat down on the other side of the table and began to eat with him.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had someone do this for me. Cook me a candlelit dinner. This is so romantic. If I didn’t know we’ve only known each other a few weeks, I’d think I was missing an anniversary or something.” He laughed.
“Well, actually, I did do this because of a special occasion.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
“Well, I had something I wanted to ask you…” I began. I was suddenly a lot more nervous now that I actually had to ask him.
“Yeah? What is it?”
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
His jaw dropped. I expected his shocked facial expression to be immediately followed by an enthusiastic, ‘yes!’
But, to my horror, that was not what happened.
“I… I don’t know,” he said softly.
My heart sank.
“You don’t know.”
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Me either,” I said quietly. “I thought we were on the same page. I kind of thought you liked me as much as I liked you…”
“I do!” he said quickly. “I like you so much. And these past few weeks, they’ve been so great. You’ve brought a light to my life at a very dark time. Don’t think I don’t have feelings for you, because I do. Very strong feelings.”
“So what exactly is the problem, then?”
“Well, that is the problem. My life is in a very dark place right now. I told myself before we even met, after my break up with Warren, that I wouldn’t be dating anyone. I need to figure myself out. I decided that before all this even happened with my Dad, and now? Things are so much more complicated.”
“Let me make sure I understand this,” I began, “you don’t want to date me because your life is complicated right now?”
“Yes.”
“Well, do I make your life more complicated?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then maybe that’s something to consider. You have all these issues, sure, but I’m not one of them, Charlie. The exact opposite, I hope. I want to help you with these things. And I can.”
“I know, I just…”
“So, what? What’s the real reason?”
His face went stone cold. “I don’t know. I’m not sure why I’m feeling hesitant right now. Because I do care about you. Really, I do. But there’s just something inside of me that seems to be stopping me from saying yes.”
“I see,” I said, trying not to look defeated.
“I’m sorry…” Charlie whispered. “I’ve hurt you.”
“It’s fine,” I said, though it obviously wasn’t. We were quiet for a moment before he spoke again
“Well, then—”
I cut him off. “So, I just don’t understand, then? What have the past few weeks been to you? You come over here nearly every day. You sleep here. We’ve been able to talk so comfortably, about everything… Already, I feel like I can tell you anything. Is that just one-sided?”
"No.” He shook his head vehemently. “Absolutely not. But I just thought, you know, that we’d be able to have something fun going here. I mean, you’ve never been with a man before. I assumed you just wanted to explore things with me. I had no idea you were going to get serious.”
“Is that part of the problem?” I asked seriously. “That I haven’t been with a man before?”
“Maybe part of it, yeah.”
I shook my head in frustration.
“No, okay, I haven’t been with a man before. And I’m sure in the gay community, there are stereotypes about men like me. Maybe you think I’m not going to be committed to you, but Charlie, I am. This isn’t me exploring my homosexuality with you. I care about you, deeply. I feel more for you than I can ever remember feeling about anyone. I don’t want this to be some fling. I want to be with you.”
He sighed. “Could you even be, though?” he asked.
“What does that mean?”
“I mean, you work a lot, Noah. A fuck ton. And maybe I’m needy, but even coming over here in the late evening and sleeping together… It’s not enough time for me. I spend more time with my boyfriends. And you have literally no more time to offer me. It’s not your fault, I get it, you love your job and the hours are crazy but… I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like it’s going to work.”
Great, so my job was ruining another relationship of mine before it could even start. I was starting to get frustrated. I thought Charlie seemed so happy with me, and I thought we were happy together, and now he was dropping multiple reasons why a relationship between us wouldn’t work, even though we were basically already in a relationship.
“So what’s the real reason, Charlie?”
I asked bluntly.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’ve given me multiple reasons here. Your life is complicated, I work, I've never dated a man… You have a lot of possible reasons why you won’t explore a relationship with me, but I want to know which one is the driving force.”
“I… Uh…” He completely froze. “Maybe I should go.”
That was the very last thing I wanted, but I couldn’t exactly say anything to get him to stay.
“All right,” I said awkwardly, as he stood up and headed out the door
“I… I'm really sorry, Noah,” he said, before he let himself out of my front door.
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Even though a wave of sadness had hit me when he told me he didn’t know about being in a relationship, it felt way worse now that he was out the door. Even as he was rejecting me, I had hopes that he’d change his mind.
But now that he’d walked out, his answer was clear. And I was alone.
And it felt fucking horrible.
I immediately called for Bailey, who was asleep in her bed in my room. She’d gotten a lot more comfortable and didn’t feel the need to constantly follow me or Charlie around the house.
But she still came whenever I called, and I collapsed onto the couch, where she jumped up to cuddle me.
Well, now I felt like I needed Bailey’s company again.
I had become so used to the feeling of having someone else around, someone who cared about me. I had become comfortable. I had almost forgotten what crippling loneliness felt like.
And now that I’d had a taste of what it was like to not be lonely, it was that much worse. It was like my world had shattered into a million pieces in less than five minutes.
I’d only known Charlie for two weeks, but nobody else had ever been able to break me like this. I knew now, from the level of pain I was experiencing, that I loved him. Despite the small amount of time we’d known each other, I truly loved him.
He brought out the best in me. For so long, I thought this was all there was to me. I thought I was just a boring workaholic with no goals in life other than to advance in my job. I didn't really feel that there was anything more to life than that.
And Charlie had just flipped that entire idea on its ass. With him, I could relax. With him, I was finally able to let go and have fun. For once, work wasn’t the biggest focus of my day anymore, he was. In fact, I spent my entire time at work thinking about how I was going to get to see him later and how lovely it would be.
I guess I wouldn’t be doing that anymore.
I should’ve asked more questions. Like, what exactly did this mean? Were we not going to hook up anymore, either? I assumed he was still going to come see Bailey until she was ready to go home with him. What were the parameters of our relationship during those visits?
Well, I guessed we’d figure all that out later.
I stared over at my wooden kitchen table, two place settings still sitting there, a candle burning. We’d both only managed to get through half of our dinner before the awkwardness set in.
God, what a waste.
I got up off the couch, which caused Bailey to make a high pitched chirp of a bark.
“I’ll be back in one second,” I told her as I walked over to the table.
I blew out the candle that was between our dinners and then proceeded to blow out the many other candles on the window and countertop.
I looked down at our half-eaten, pathetic dinners. I no longer had an appetite, so I was about to grab them both and scoop them in the trash when there was a knock at my door.
This didn’t surprise me. I was expecting a package, though I didn’t know the mailman delivered this late into the evening.
But when I opened the door, it wasn’t the mailman standing there, but Charlie. I could’ve sworn I heard his car drive off, so this caught me off guard.
He must have forgotten something, and I couldn’t blame him for coming back to retrieve whatever it was, but seeing his face hit me like a ton of bricks. So I couldn’t control my biting tone, either.
“What is it?” I snapped more harshly than I meant to.
But he didn’t answer. He stared at me for a moment, then pulled me in and kissed me.
10
Charlie
The second I walked out of Noah’s house, I knew I had made a mistake.
Why had I done that? Why had I said that? None of those excuses I gave were true.
My feelings for him were a lot stronger than I was letting on. He wasn’t just a fling to me, like I might have led him to believe. He meant way more to me than just some hook up.
Already, I felt more for Noah than I ever did for Warren, and it had been only a few weeks. It was like being with Noah was like being with a man for the first time. I was starting to wonder if all my past boyfriends had been anything more than placeholders for me.
I hadn’t known it at the time, but I just never felt passionate about any of them. I cared about them, I enjoyed spending time with them, and I certainly liked not having to be alone, but they weren’t much more to me than that. Just somebody to fill my time with. But Noah… Noah was more than that.
I didn’t only care for Noah because of what he was able to offer me in terms of company. I cared for Noah because of the person he was. He was a truly beautiful, wonderful, amazing human being. So serious and stoic, but so very kind.
He was a police officer because he truly enjoyed helping people. And on bad work days, I could see how much it drained him to vicariously experience people’s emotional plights. But every day he shook it off and found a way to see the joy in his job again. I loved that about him.
Why did I say that thing about him working too much? He did work a lot and, yes, I did wish I could spend more time with him. But it really hadn’t become a problem yet. I worked from home, so my schedule was completely open and flexible. I was able to spend every possible free moment he had with him.
It was all just excuses. It was my way of trying to rationalize my hesitance to officially be with him. But none of them were actually the reason for my hesitance.
The truth was that I was scared. I was scared to allow myself to be with him completely. Terrified to be vulnerable with another human, especially one I cared for this much.
If breaking up with Warren hurt me so bad, what the hell was breaking up with Noah going to do to me? Could I even move on from that? I knew it was better to have loved and lost or whatever, but fuck, man.
There was so much going wrong in my life that I didn’t think I could handle another thing going wrong.
But wasn’t that also a reason to go for it? Without Noah and Bailey, everything in my world was falling apart. Just being back in my homophobic home town was getting to me.
I missed San Francisco, I missed my old life, I actually missed having no contact with my father. It was preferable to what we had going on now. I had seen him a few times in his care home, but each time he’d been sleeping, and I didn’t bother to wake him.
And I missed my mom so much.
But I loved Noah. I looked forward to Noah. Without him, I had nothing that I loved. I had nobody to comfort me. I needed him, just as much as he seemed to need me. No, I needed him more.
I was going to tell him that.
I turned around and began knocking on the door again, my heart pounding as I waited for him to answer it.
Surprise struck Noah’s face after he swung the red wooden door open. It gave way to disappointment when he saw it was me.
“What is it?” he said in a cold voice I didn’t recognize.
I didn’t know what to say. My voice was catching in my throat. As determined as I was to face my fear of being with him, I was still overcome with fear now that it was finally time to do it.
So I started with a kiss.
It was the only way I could express how I felt without words. I put my lips against his and pulled him close to me, so close our bodies were pressed against each other.
At first, I could tell he was surprised by the kiss. His lips went rigid as if to resist in confusion, but eventually he gave in, intertwining his tongue with mine.
Then he pulled away.
“Wait, what’s going on, Charlie? You literally just told me—”
“I know,” I said, stopping him, “I know what I said. But I was wrong, Noah, I was bullshitting. None of those reasons I gave you were accurate. I don’t care about your work hours. I choose my own hours and it’s easy to work around your schedule.”
“But what about me not being with another man before?” he asked.
“I’ll admit that normally, that would concern me. It would conc
ern any gay guy. But with you, it doesn’t. I can see how much you care about me. This isn’t some passing exploration for you. I don’t expect you to ditch me for some hot girl a year from now. You’re in this with me, I know that. What we have is real, I know it is.”
“Then why’d you act like it wasn’t? Why did you say you thought we were just casually hooking up?”
“I’m scared, Noah,” I finally admitted. “I’m scared to get attached to you. I’m downright terrified to love you. There’s so much tragedy in my life that the tragedy of losing another person I love… Just the thought is overwhelming.”
“Oh… Charlie.” He pulled me into a tight hug. “I know it’s early, and I know there’s a lot in our relationship to explore, but I’m pretty confident you’re not going to lose me. You mean so fucking much to me. I’ve dated around, but nobody has ever meant anything to me like you do.”
“I know,” I said softly, and we both walked over to the couch to sit in each other’s arms.
“I’m here for you. I don’t want to be another tragedy in your life. I want to be the light at the end of the tunnel,” he told me.
“And you are. Really, you make me happy. Which is why I’m willing to face my fears about being with you. I don’t know…” I sighed. “Who knows what’s going to happen? Maybe you will break my heart one day. But I can’t run from that possibility. I’ve spent too long running away from all my problems.”
He ran his fingers through my hair. “Running away from all your problems? How do you mean?”
“Noah, how do you not already see what I mean? Have you not noticed the fact that I’ve spoken about my father to you all of one time? You were the one who found him, you know the situation completely, and yet I don’t discuss it.”
“Well, yeah, I did notice that…” he said quietly.
“I’ve visited him and I can’t even bring myself to speak to him. I have so many emotions about what’s going on with him, but I don’t speak about any of them. Not even to you, even though I really feel like I can tell you anything.”
He stared at me for a second. “So tell me,” he finally said in a stern voice. “Stop running away from it and tell me.”