by S. C. Ransom
“You said earlier that you were not really unhappy, that they didn’t know what to do with a happy Dirge.” I stumbled over the word. “So how come you get miserable?”
“We all do. It’s a bit like getting hungry. You can’t help it. The amulet will store a huge number of memories and I try to keep mine reasonably full. If I then top it up with just a few memories at a time I can get back to a bearable state of mind, because I started that way. But the others, they can only get back to the level of misery they had when they realised they were about to die. They get a lot more…” He paused. “… unhappy than I do,” he finished carefully.
I considered this for a moment. “How can you bear it, living with all these desperate people all the time? How can you be so sane?”
“I have no choice,” he reminded me more gently than I deserved. “This is the only way I can be.”
I felt myself blush. Of course he didn’t have any other option. “I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. I wasn’t thinking.”
He smiled at me to show I was forgiven, and his strong-looking hand rested on my shoulder for a moment. I had been trying to avoid one other question, but I had to ask. “How long have you been there? When did it happen?” I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know the answer though. What if it was hundreds of years? That would just be too creepy. I held my breath, waiting for his answer.
“Not as long ago as you might think from my cloak.” He grinned ruefully. “I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think it’s been so very long.” He paused for a second, the brief smile gone. “The trouble is, when you sink you lose all sense of time. I only really sank once, but I think you can miss great chunks of time quite easily when you don’t need to eat.”
I watched him as we sat there, him lost in his thoughts and absently playing with my hair. His eyes had a brooding look and from time to time a small frown furrowed his smooth bronzed forehead. I would never tire of looking at that face. His smooth cheek rested for a moment against my hair and for the hundredth time I wished I could rest my palm against it and feel its firm contours.
“So what’s with the cloak then? Why dress up like a Tudor peasant when you could be wearing anything?”
“Not my choice I’m afraid. It sort of comes with the job.”
I looked at him quizzically.
“All the Dirges wear the cloaks. Other than our amulets, they are the only possession we really have. There is a huge chest of them in St Paul’s, and we each choose one. Wearing them helps us to hide a little from each other, to get a little privacy.”
“So you never need to change your clothes now?”
“I don’t seem to. Anyway, I don’t have any more so it’s pretty irrelevant. Don’t you approve of them?” he added with an impish grin.
“Love the cloak, very gothic, very vintage,” I agreed, “but does it…” I tailed off, suddenly embarrassed by the direction my thoughts were going.
He looked exactly as if he could read my mind at that point. “Does it what?” he asked, the picture of innocence. He was enjoying my discomfort.
“Ah, well, um…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. What I really wanted to know was whether the cloak was welded to him as well, or if it came off at all. I had only got one glimpse of his chest, but from the look of him standing by the riverbank earlier, and from the faint feel of him right behind me when we talked, I was willing to bet that his body was magnificent. I felt myself redden, and quickly looked to the floor.
When I looked back, he was still smiling gently at me, watching me get flustered. He raised an eyebrow.
I fished around wildly for something to get me out of this. “Nothing, I was just wondering about how you wash it, that sort of thing.”
He knew that I was lying, but answered me with a smile. “Luckily none of my clothes seem to be able to get dirty, so it doesn’t come up.” He gave me a sideways glance. My cheeks were still hot and I was trying really hard to think of anything else.
“In fact,” he added, in a thoughtful tone, “perhaps it would be good to be able to feel the sun and the breeze a little better. Give me a second.” There was a swift tingle, and he was gone from behind me. I scanned around quickly in the mirror and he was standing a few feet away, tugging at the thick rope which was fastened at his neck. As I watched, he got it undone, pulled the cloak to one side and it dropped to the floor. The heavy material settled in huge folds by his feet.
I stifled a gasp. He was even better than I had imagined. The tailored white shirt was slightly unbuttoned, and hung casually over a pair of well-fitting dark trousers. He was tall and lean. In the real world he could be making a fortune posing on a billboard.
As I watched he stretched down to pick up the cloak and folded it loosely, his muscles flexing visibly under the light clothes. Several of the loitering ducks took off in alarm.
He turned towards me and caught me looking at him in the mirror. With a couple of swift steps he was back by my side. My arm tingled. As I watched, he smiled broadly and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.
In the mirror I could see that he had wrapped his free arm around me, pulling me close to him. I could see the strong contours of his arm through his shirt. I longed to be the me in the mirror, on his side, able to feel his touch. For a moment I let my mind wander, and pictured the two of us, hand in hand, walking along a beach, stopping to kiss…
I sighed.
He caught my mood, and stayed quiet, stroking and smoothing my hair.
“Do you think that there will ever be a way for us to be together? Properly, I mean?” I risked after a while.
It was his turn to sigh. “I can’t see how. We are in different … dimensions, and I only know one way of getting here.” His voice turned bitter and I thought about his story.
“I still don’t really understand why this had to happen to you,” I said sadly.
“I ask myself that every single day. I can’t understand it any more than you can. All I know is that, after the others had told me why they thought we were there, I went to look at the outflow of the Fleet into the Thames, and when it has been raining you can see the water pouring out. It’s very clear that there are two rivers joining at that point. I guess I just took my last breath in the wrong bit of water.” His face looked as fierce as it had done when I had first seen him in the visions.
“But why does it happen? And why does everyone but you have to be so completely miserable?”
“None of us knows, and they are all too wrapped up in their daily doses of misery to think about it much.”
“And there’s no way of finding out?” I breathed, hurting for him. He gave a bitter laugh. “Hardly. I can’t see people queuing up to experiment, can you?” As he spoke the sun suddenly disappeared behind a stray cloud, and for a moment the day seemed much darker, echoing his mood.
“If there are over a hundred of you there, the Fleet must have been a big river in its time.” I shuddered, thinking of all those painful deaths.
“Yes, it seems to have caught quite a few of us.”
“And are you sure you are there forever? Is there really no way out?” I asked without thinking, and cursed myself when I saw his eyes cloud over again.
He hesitated and I jumped in quickly. “Don’t answer any more questions. It’s not what’s important today.” There was a look of relief in his eyes and he stooped to kiss me again.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
I smiled. “There’s no need to thank me. You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to.”
The relief was visible on his face and I wondered what it was that he wasn’t ready to share with me. But I guessed that I would find out eventually, if it was important.
“I’ve learned so much about you today. Is there anything that you want to know about me? Or did you find out everything you wanted when you were snooping about my house this morning?” I teased, determined to change the subject to something less painful.
“I want to know ev
erything about you!” He smiled. “Your friends, what you like to do, what your school’s like, everything.”
“Wow. Where shall I start?”
“Family. Tell me all about them. You obviously love them all very much.”
So I told him all about us, our fights and celebrations, our holidays, the house. We talked about Josh, and how much I relied on him, even if he was horrible to me from time to time. I could see a sad look in Callum’s eye, and I guessed that he wished his sister felt that way about him. He carried on asking questions, and I found myself talking all about my friends, particularly about Grace and the bond we had forged after so many years at school together.
He seemed to love hearing about school, though he thought that my plans to study to be a vet were hilarious, given that I was continually getting distracted by the wildlife that was still settling around us. I told him all about my childhood ambitions to be an actress, about the singing lessons I was still taking and how dull Grade 5 Theory was. His questions slowed as the afternoon wore on, and he spent more and more time nestled behind me, sending gentle flickers of electricity through me as he stroked my hair. I was beginning to think that it was time to return home, when his tone became more careful.
“How about boyfriends?” he asked casually. “I can’t imagine that someone as lovely as you doesn’t have a boyfriend.”
It was my turn to be careful. The memory of Rob came back to me, and I realised with shock that I had been out with him only the previous night. It felt a lifetime away.
“Well,” I started, wondering exactly how much I should reveal, “there was someone I had been out with a couple of times, but it had pretty much ended before it even got going. That was why I was upset when you found me last night.”
His face was suddenly full of concern. “You must have cared for him a lot to be so miserable.”
“Actually it turned out he was a bit … horrible, which was why I was so upset.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you trying to save my feelings. I’ll … I’ll understand if he is someone special to you.” His face was controlled, but I could sense the urgency behind the words; he really didn’t want Rob to be significant to me.
I gave a harsh laugh. “Special? Rob? I don’t think so!”
Callum gave me a sharp look.
“No, really,” I tried to reassure him. “He thinks he’s so great, but he absolutely isn’t.”
“What did he do to you?” Callum asked suddenly. “Did he hurt you?” The look on his face was so old-fashioned I could almost have laughed. But this wasn’t a conversation I much wanted to have.
“It was nothing. He just wasn’t very … nice.” I paused for a second, but I could see he wasn’t about to let it drop. “Please, I’d rather not talk about it.”
He hesitated briefly, and then sighed. “Whatever you want.” I could see him pondering something for a moment. “Do you want me to go and scare him a bit?”
I had to laugh. “No I don’t!” I didn’t want the two of them anywhere near each other. “Anyway, what would you do? Aren’t I the only person who can see you?”
“Well, technically, yes,” he admitted grudgingly. “But I’m sure I could manage something. And he must have some memories he wants to keep hold of. I’m sure I could erase you from his mind completely if I worked at it. He wouldn’t know anything about it.”
“Honestly, he’s not worth the bother. Why spend time with him when you could spend it with me?”
“You do have a point,” he agreed, wrapping his arm around my waist again.
“So do you often scare people?”
“Hardly ever!” he laughed, and then dropped his voice. “Actually I’ve never done it. But I know from the others how you might do it.”
I was relieved; I didn’t enjoy the thought of him being vindictive. It really didn’t fit the picture I had formed of him in my head.
“Why do they do it? What good can it do to them?” I asked, curious to learn more about the people he spent his time with.
“Well, some of them are just not very nice people. They don’t like the fact that they are stuck in misery and others are having a good time.” His voice was disgusted. “Anyway, I don’t want to waste any more of the day talking about them.”
I looked up and realised that the sun was now low in the sky. We had talked nearly all day.
“Actually, I’m starving,” I realised, stretching my legs. “I seem to have forgotten to have any lunch. Let’s get back and you can tell me more later, otherwise my parents are going to be sending out a search party.”
I got up off the grass, realising that even in the warm weather sitting for so long on the ground had made my trousers slightly damp. I brushed myself down and slipped the mirror into my pocket. Callum settled into step with me as we left the glade and started the long walk back home.
I was back just in time: Mum and Dad were beginning to worry. They were obviously concerned that I was still upset about Rob, but they were too tactful to ask about it. I found it really hard to contain myself over dinner. I wanted to tell them all about the strange and exciting things I had learned, but I knew that it was impossible. I ended up being really jumpy and Dad kept looking at me strangely. He was always much more perceptive than anyone else about how I was feeling, and I hated keeping things from him.
When the meal was finished, he asked me to help him clear up, and I knew it was time for questions. He surprised me by saying almost nothing about it, as we washed up all the big pans from the roast beef.
“So,” he asked as the last pan was dried, “would you like a lift to Grace’s house? I expect you two have a lot of gossiping to do.”
“Um, you know, not tonight. But thanks for the offer. I think I got a bit too much sunshine today, so I’d rather stay in.”
“OK, but if you change your mind in the next half an hour or so let me know. I don’t mind running you over and picking you up later.” He was clearly taken aback; I don’t think I could remember a time when I had refused a lift to Grace’s. As I went up to my room I could hear him talking in hushed tones to Mum. That would mean that she would be up for a chat before too long. I quickly went to start running a bath.
Back in my room I put on my headset and sat in front of the mirror.
“Callum?” I called gently. “Are you there?” Within a few minutes my arm was tingling and he was back by my side. I was distracted all over again by his astounding good looks and almost forgot what I wanted to tell him.
“I have to have a bath now to avoid my mother. Will you be here later?”
“I’m going to have to go back into London. Catherine will make a fuss and I have to decide exactly how much to tell her.” He looked dispirited. “And also I’m hungry, if you see what I mean.” He glanced at his amulet.
I was immediately contrite. I hadn’t considered the fact that he had needs of his own that I didn’t really understand. I felt guilty that I had asked him to stay around until after I had eaten. “I’m so sorry. I’ve kept you here and risked you getting miserable.”
“It’s not exactly been a hardship. If I can find a cinema or theatre on the way into town I won’t even get that uncomfortable. I’ve been so happy today I guess I just feel the downside more acutely.” His glorious blue eyes melted as he gazed at me.
I felt my heart lurch. “I wouldn’t have missed today for the world. You will come back tomorrow, won’t you?” I couldn’t help remembering that he had promised to come back before and then gone missing for days. I couldn’t bear not being able to see him all day.
“You try and keep me away. I don’t remember being at school, so I might come with you to a few lessons.”
“Don’t you dare distract me! I could do without another detention.”
“You’ll have to practise self-control then – I’m not sure I will be able to resist doing this to you…” With one hand he gently smoothed my hair to one side, and in the mirror I could see him bending down to kiss the side and back
of my neck. A shiver of excitement ran through me.
“That’ll definitely ruin physics for me,” I gasped, as he gathered all my hair together and moved to the other side of my neck. I could feel gentle tickles of electricity through my skin, and a slight pressure on my hair where he had swept it up on his side. Suddenly, there was an angry banging on my bedroom door.
“Alex Walker! Get off that phone! That bath has nearly run over!” bellowed Mum.
“Oops, I’m going to have to go right now,” I whispered to him, then loudly, “Thanks, Mum. I’ll be right there.” I looked at him longingly. “Come back … please?”
“Tomorrow, I promise.”
I had to tell him again how I felt. “I know this is a weird situation, and that it’s too sudden, but I can’t help it: I love you.”
I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone look so happy. “I love you too,” he whispered. “You … you give meaning to my existence.” He paused. “And if you don’t go now, your mother will kill you.”
He flashed one last smile and was gone.
The next morning I went to school full of nervous anticipation. I wasn’t sure when Callum was going to turn up, and what he was going to do to me when he did. I could hardly wait.
The coach ride was difficult. Grace was offended because I had chosen not to give her all the details about Rob in our phone conversation the previous day. She was positively short with me and spent most of the trip listening to her iPod. But I was too happy to care. I spent the time imagining what Callum and I could do if we were in the same dimension.
The first lesson was maths, and I took my usual seat cautiously, not sure where and when Callum might appear. It was a small class now, as several girls had stopped attending after the last exams and the plan seemed to be to recap on some of the basics before setting the homework for the long summer break.
He appeared halfway through the lesson. We were doing differentiation, and I was having real trouble keeping awake. Some of the class were struggling with the concepts so Mr Pasciuta was explaining it all again. I was doodling on the margin of my paper and realised that I was sketching the rest of a face around a pair of dark, brooding eyes. I was scrubbing it out quickly before anyone noticed when there was a chuckle in my head. Simultaneously I felt the tingle.