Let It Burn

by Dee Ellis

  We would have time to talk with the kids interested, show them the day to day routine and even get some of them signed up for trade classes to learn skills associated with that role. What I had not given much thought to was the mentor themselves.

  How could I keep my focus, keep my distance when I had barely been able to do so today? I was certain Cage had read me like a book and now I had to rein in the way he had made me feel. The things he had made me consider.

  Like what his hands might feel like on my skin. Tangled in my hair as he kissed me like I belonged to him. Sweet Jesus, the things I could imagine about that mouth. I wanted to bite his full bottom lip and feel his tongue twist with mine.

  My panties were ruined and I was flushed all over from what he made me feel. What he made me want. Need. My pussy throbbed and my breasts felt heavy and achy. My top had barely contained the pebbling of my nipples when he had let his honey hazel eyes move over me. Like he owned me already.

  Cage Cooper had done a number on me and I think he knew it. Which made it all the more complicated. Because I wanted him in a fierce and desperate way. Didn’t mean I intended to have him. It had been a long time since I had even considered being with another man.

  Not because of Tucker; by the end we both knew the love we shared wasn’t about passion or need. It was about trust and familiarity and a little bit of fear. We were expected to be together. Perfect for each other, according to everyone else.

  But everyone else didn’t really know me and they certainly didn’t know Tucker. Back home I was Tucker’s girl; even with him gone I was off limits by their standards. One man had the nerve to try after Tucker.

  Ryder. After years of wanting him, of being excited by his danger and sexiness, one day he wanted me. For a few moments I thought I still wanted him, too. Then I realized that no longer being tied to Tucker meant I could have whatever I wanted. Be whoever I wanted. With whomever I wanted.

  I had wanted Ryder because he was everything I was told I shouldn’t want. Dark and mysterious and broken. By then I was broken enough and didn’t want any more darkness in my life.

  Because Ryder was beautiful and reckless and I couldn’t take any more loss in my life. Ryder was never someone I could pin hopes on, like I had in my fantasies. Nor was he someone who could make me feel safe and like I belonged to him. Not like I needed.

  Cage was more beautiful and felt more reckless than anything I had ever known. Wanting him, wanting to be claimed by him was dangerous and terrifying. I was not ready for him. Not ready to feel what I had felt out there. I was over my heartbreak with Tucker because his truth had changed things. I had still loved him in a very fierce way and losing him had wrecked what was left of me.

  I already had lost so much I couldn’t think of losing more of myself again. I came here, took this job and shook up my entire life to gain something. To try to live for myself and experience life. Eat new things, meet new people and see places I dreamt of. Try things that scared me.

  Truth was, something with someone as intense as Cage seemed was more than I was ready for. I sensed he could consume me and I would let him. I would let him own me and love every minute of it.

  Because someone like Cage owned. They took. Right now I didn’t think I could give more of myself to someone else. I had given everything already and now it was time for me to get some of it back.

  Maybe Cage could give me things too. Pleasure, absolutely. That sexy smirk and the confident way he carried himself, the way he said my name left little doubt about that. Safety and that need I had to belong to someone and have them belong to me? To know he was mine and I was his? I didn’t believe that.

  Besides, he was a fire fighter. A dangerous job that he seemed to love and was clearly as much a part of him as those tattoos. One thing I knew for certain, letting someone in again when the chance of loss was so high wasn’t something I could do. I could want Cage, could feel like I wanted him to own me. Could feel like I needed him somehow. Because I did.

  His smile was like the sun and the heat in his eyes and the warmth of his laugh were too. I needed light in my life again. Needed it; that’s why I felt I could need Cage. Because he could own me and bring me light and warmth. But I could have it ripped away again if what he did every day, what he loved to do every day from the sounds of it, went wrong just once.

  Didn’t matter if I wanted Cage Cooper. Even if he maybe wanted me. I couldn’t let myself have him. Because loss was a truth he couldn’t deny. Something I would have to risk by letting him close. I couldn’t take that risk.

  Something told me losing someone like Cage would be like losing the sun.

  Cage

  Charli chose to run. Woman didn’t know she couldn’t run too far from me. Not after I realized just what I had found. Charli was it. I don’t know what made me so certain. Because I was certain. The minute I looked at her and she looked back up at me, it had been there. The something that I needed.

  It was everything that she had. I wanted to take the sadness out of her eyes, make her smile again. I wanted to hear that sound from the back of her throat as she came for me and know it meant she was mine. Somehow I think Charli knew just what happened when we met and so she ran. I would let her run for now because, to be honest, it had freaked me the fuck out too.

  Oh I talked a good spiel about knowing I had a woman out there, waiting for me. I knew it had been true for my parents. Maybe even for Regan and Parker. If I had really, truly believed all that talk, I wasn’t sure. I wanted to of course. I wanted more than burying myself in someone just to scratch an itch.

  I wanted to want someone badly enough that it felt like that itch could never go away. That I could take them again and again, give them everything and take everything and it wouldn’t be enough. There had never been someone who I had thought for one moment could make me feel that. Who could make me want nothing but to consume them and let them consume me.

  Then I looked into the sad, beautiful eyes of Charli Dixon and I knew. That I wanted to consume her. Needed to. As badly as I wanted her to consume me. It was so sudden and so absolutely unexpected. I thought I had been looking for it and maybe I had. Not in the right places, obviously.

  Because the moment I wasn’t, there she was. Of course she ran because it was terrifying. To look into someone’s eyes and know that was it. This person was it for you and you wouldn’t need or want anything else again.

  Just by being near her, looking into her eyes and watching her look back at me, I knew. Charli was my it and we both knew it and she was so terrified she ran.

  “Tell me about Charli, Sweet Sara.” I urged once the group broke up and began milling about the atrium.

  “What, exactly, do you want to know, Cage?” Sara knew me and that meant she knew about my sordid past.

  “Everything. I want to know everything.” My voice carried with it more than a question, it was a plea and she seemed to take note.

  “Not yet, Cage. No you don’t, not yet. I just got her," Sara looked stricken and I was startled to hear a bite in her voice, “We need her here. More than you need a body to warm your bed, Cage Cooper.” Well shit, that stung.

  “Sara. Not her. I don’t know why, but not her.” I knew by the weariness in her bright green eyes she didn’t buy it.

  “Before you get to her, you go through me, Cage. I adore her,” I was shocked to see Sara’s eyes gloss over, “for purely selfish reasons. Reminds me of someone from another life. I don’t have it in me to let you hurt her. Charli is better than a fuck and a fuck you. Which is your typical M.O., yes or no?”

  “Not exactly,” I winced as we stepped away from the kids, our voices low, “but I have a few more notches than I’m proud of. Sara...I thought I was searching for something like Deacon and Gwen. I was, at first. Then I just...let my dick do the picking and he has no romance about his choosing. My notches, Sara? Not even close to as many as I stupidly let people assume they are.” I insisted seriously.

  “In other words, Cage
Cooper’s not quite the stud he lets the boys at O’Malley’s regale him as?” Her bright eyes darkened and narrowed and I bowed my head in shame.

  “Something like that. If I deny it, they think I’m doing it to be coy and they think it’s more. So I stopped denying,” I ran a hand over my face because it made me just as guilty as bragging and we both knew it, “Didn’t help matters really; we’re young guys doing a dangerous job that leaves us fueled up. It’s just accepted that spreading ourselves around to whoever is willing is one of the perks for a thankless job. It’s not.... it’s not like that for me. If it ever was at all, it’s just not anymore.”

  By now most the kids had broken up and were chatting quietly, snacking on the spread Charli had laid out. I had noticed the impressive display of fruits and veggies and finger sandwiches earlier. Thought it was a nice touch. Now I thought of how domestic and adorable it was of Charli. Sara seemed fiercely fond and protective of Charli and I was glad for it, really. I wanted to find out why exactly, but that was for another conversation.

  Something from her past had gripped her when she talked of losing Charli and I knew that would be a delicate discussion. For now, I had to prove to her I wanted to know Charli. More than biblically.

  Standing there talking with her quietly, I felt panic grip me at the thought of her refusing to let me get near Charli. Sara was a force to be reckoned with. I knew I had to convince her or I’d have one hell of a fight on my hands.

  “Cage,” Sara pinned me down with a look I had never seen in her eyes, steely and fierce, “I promise if you ruin her, I will be sure it haunts you. Lunch. Once we’re done here. Convince me then. Then maybe...” Sara’s eyes flickered past me and I knew right away where they landed.

  I could feel her presence. As if a button had been flipped somewhere inside me, I felt switched on. Lit up. Her just being near woke me up in a way I had never felt before. It felt like a trip wire igniting and coursing through me, making me hyper aware of everything. Twisting to watch her hesitate a few feet away, I took note of it all.

  Her sweet Sugar and citrus scent that filled the air between us. The bright lights pouring in through the stained glass window behind her; reds and bright oranges and deep purples. Dust motes shimmering in the halo of sun that lit her up like a fucking angel.

  I was anxious because she was so close again and yet I felt like I needed to be closer to her. To see into those gray eyes and figure out what was going on behind them.

  When her eyes met mine at last, I watched them change in the light. They were curious and full of interest. I watched as they changed. Heat burned through them so hot I felt it in my cock. As if realizing I could read her, they shuttered and

  I’m sure she thought she had locked herself down. Closed herself off to me. Instead I knew this meant she was protecting herself. From me and what this thing sparking and pulsing between us made her feel. What it made her want.

  That meant she felt it, she maybe knew I did too, and she was fighting to deny it. Facing me while she was running from me. I had decided already she could run for now.

  Watching her as she stood there with sunlight pouring around her, keeping a distance that she felt safe, I knew I wouldn’t let her run for long. Soon enough I’d let her know she couldn’t out run me. She couldn’t outrun this thing between us.

  “Charli, you vanished on me pet.” Sara brushed past me as she moved to intercept Charli, shooting me a warning look as she went.

  Charli carefully slid her gaze to Sara, as if she wanted to keep an eye on me. Like I might make a move she couldn’t protect herself from. That sobered me a little because I didn’t want to scare her. In fact, I was sure she was terrified and I couldn’t lie and say I wasn’t a bit shook up too. Even though I been waiting for someone to switch me on the way Charli had.

  I had no idea it could be so sudden and absolute but now I knew. Without even trying to, she had woken me up. The noise of the kids chattering behind us, of Sara whispering gently to Charli, brought me back into focus.

  “My apologies. Nearly forgot some important forms for the kids to sign up for the mentoring. Mr. Cooper, thank you for the lecture, the kids seemed very interested. I’ll just find out who wants to take our additional courses. Excuse me.” Damn now I knew she was good at pretending.

  “I hope some of them want more time with me.” I had no intention of pretending, even if I let her run a little.

  “Oh I’m sure.” Charli’s lovely eyes narrowed before dismissing me.

  Sara shot me a warning look when I opened my mouth to say more. I let her take Charli away so they could tend to the kids. Instead of waiting there and giving Charli more reason to run, or driving myself crazy being so close to her, I left them to it.

  Though I wasn’t a big reader, I thought maybe I should start. I got through my exams and did well enough, but that was shit I was interested in. I wanted to learn about that.

  Now that I knew the cliffs notes versions of Gigi’s rating scale, her heroines as I had started calling them, I thought maybe I should learn more.

  Besides, Charli was a librarian; it was a safe bet she enjoyed books and reading. I’d bet she knew my rating chicks backwards and forwards. I thought it could only help me get close to her if I learned my way around the place.

  Four stories tall with a huge atrium on the top floor, it was impressive. With winding staircases, marble and slate floors and crisp gold and white accents, it was infamous for its architecture.

  The halls and stacks were always full of people; students cramming for classes or meeting for study groups. Book clubs chatting quietly in the atrium or the back corners, seating tucked away to give them a place to meet.

  Gigi spent a lot of time here and I dropped in whenever I needed something for my own classes. Now I was wandering the stacks, wondering about the beautiful, fascinating Charli and what she was like. Would she be my Lizzie? I had no doubt she was at least a Hermione, if not; no way was she another Anna.

  Walking the stacks, I saw what Gigi, and maybe Charli, saw in places like this. There was a beauty beyond the deco style building itself. Rows and rows of books in an arc of colors and design spread on for seemingly ever.

  The air smelled of paper and dust and leather. Standing in the warmth of a lemony shaft of light, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Ran my hand over the leather and paper of the spines on the shelf in front of me.

  I imagined Charli sitting, curled up with a book, her hair messy around her face and her glasses low on her nose. Saw me moving in beside her, peering over her shoulder. Laughing with her about the escapades of the characters she was reading about.

  Jesus to hear her laugh and feel her hair tickle my jaw as I buried my face in the soft nape of her neck. Smelled her citrus and Sugar sweetness. Heaven.

  “Cage.” At the sound of Sara’s unmistakable Irish lilt, I spun as if caught in the act.

  “Sara. Lunch?” Sara hesitated just a moment before I got a nod and we were off.

  Half an hour later we were seated at Giordano’s and I had a cold beer and questions waiting. Sara was being uncharacteristically quiet and it made me anxious. Panicked even. After I had left her alone with Charli, I had no idea what they had discussed. If she had let Charli know I had been asking about her or not.

  Then when we headed out, Sara’s mood could be described as reluctant. We had passed Charli on our way out, perched behind a registry desk. Head bent as she researched something, she was biting her bottom lip as hair tumbled around her face.

  I actually stopped in my tracks; I wanted to invite her with us, shove my fingers through her hair and take that lip into my own mouth. As if feeling my want, as if I wore it like cheap cologne, she turned her eyes to me.

  Again they shuttered quickly, but I saw that brightness in her eyes again. Saw the same thing I knew was in my eyes when I looked at her. I had started to say something, tell her goodbye, or ask her to marry me, something. Charli had dismissed me again and I realized she was even be
tter at pretending and running than I thought.

  Now sitting here, waiting for a deep dish pizza I had no desire to eat, I was buzzing with questions. Sara took a long pull of her own beer. I was positive if anyone could drink me under the table it was her. Though she had known me since I was in little league, I felt like a stranger as she pinned me with a questioning gaze.

  “Charli reminds me of.... before I came here, I was engaged. Abel. I thought I would spend my life with, give children to, and grow old with Abel. Instead he was killed; The Troubles aren’t talked about much here but we were at a war in Omagh. I had my life planned out. Abel...we had nothing to do with the god damned IRA and still, we lost so much. I lost everything. So, I fled Ireland. I had nothing left. Charli...there are reasons she left home to come here. Reasons I can’t tell you; they’re her truths to tell. Before Charli becomes a notch whose face you can’t remember, whose name you don’t care about, think about that.”

  “Sweet Sara,” I called her this because my pop always had and I meant it now more than ever, “I am so sorry, Sara. I... I had no idea you lost someone.” Sara was strong and mouthy and now I saw loss and sadness in her eyes.

  Just like Charli. That sadness I saw in her beautiful eyes was because of loss. If Sara was saying Charli reminded her of herself; of her story of loss and pain, I knew what that meant. It meant there was a ghost in Charli’s life.

  Someone she had lost; family, a friend, a lover. Briefly inane jealousy ripped through me hot and potent. Then I thought of her lovely, sad eyes and the way they lit with fire before she shuttered them. Fire because of me, because of this spark I knew she felt. As if she had been waiting for me too.

  Although she had no idea she until she found me that she was waiting at all. I wanted to know her story, her pain and I wanted to make her smile and take it all away. Protect her and make her mine.

  “Gwen knows,” there were no tears because I was sure she had cried her share long before, “of course Gwen knows, she always knows. Charli is not delicate; not wounded or broken. Not exactly. You, Cage...you could break her. I saw you look at her, I saw you see her. Otherwise...I might love you like a son but I would do everything in my power to keep you away from her.”