by Sophia Gray
“Wait, hold up!” Bobby called out as he raced past the kitchen into the living room, apparently calling after Daniel.
“You can’t catch me!” Daniel said back in between fits of giggles. Antonia had to smile then, despite the darkness of her thoughts. Her child’s happiness was just too contagious to resist.
After pulling the brownies out of the oven to cool off, she followed the boys into the living room, where they were chasing each other around in circles. They were moving so fast that at first Antonia couldn’t make out their faces. They were just two blurs of color darting around the room, but eventually Daniel had to pause to pant for breath, and she noticed that his whole face was covered in dirt.
“Daniel!” Antonia protested, marching across the room to hold her son’s face between her hands to inspect it. “What have you gotten into?”
“Um…” Daniel said, his face falling, aware that he was in trouble now. “Um, I don’t know, Mommy…”
“Oh, I think you do,” Antonia replied, giving her child a stern look. “Was it the flower pots in the den? Did you knock them over?”
“I—maybe…” Daniel said, his cheeks flushing as he averted his eyes from his mother, looking over her shoulder and biting his lip in anxiety.
Antonia sighed and shook her head. Boys will be boys, I guess, she thought to herself. She scooped Daniel up into her arms and walked towards the staircase on the opposite side of the room, heading for the bathroom in the middle of the second-floor hallway.
Bobby followed them upstairs, but he stayed outside of the bathroom, chattering at Daniel through the door while Antonia peeled off her son’s clothes and began to run a bath for him. “Daniel, it’s okay, Cal doesn’t even like the flowers, he told me so,” Bobby said through the wall.
“Okay,” Daniel said in a small voice, apparently still feeling ashamed over his actions. “Mommy, will Mr. Amos be mad at me?”
“No, honey,” Antonia promised him, even though she knew he would probably be a little bit annoyed at the destruction of his flower pot. “I don’t think he cares that much about us.”
“He’s funny,” Daniel said as he stepped into the bath, splashing the water up on his face to get the dirt off. “I like him.”
Antonia didn’t say anything. She felt a slight ache in the center of her chest, watching Daniel smile as he started talking about how much fun he had with Bobby earlier that day, but she got distracted when she saw something on Daniel’s arm—a wide bruise on his skinny bicep, mostly purple with yellow around the edges. Antonia reached out and gently grabbed Daniel’s arm, cutting him off mid-sentence. “Honey, what happened here?”
Daniel turned to look at what Antonia was pointing at. “Oh. I don’t know. I guess I bumped into something.”
Antonia frowned and rubbed the bruised skin a little, hoping to soothe any leftover pain her son might have felt. “Did you tell Daddy about it?”
Daniel shook his head, splashing more water on his face. “No, I’m fine. I’m a big boy now, Mommy.”
Antonia smiled a little, just for her son’s benefit, and leaned over to kiss the top of his head. “You’re right. You’re my big man now.” Daniel was the only man she needed in her life, after all. She just needed to remind herself of that whenever she thought of Cal and what had happened between them. Anyone other than Daniel was a distraction.
Bobby knocked lightly on the door. “Am I your big man?” he asked in a soft voice, barely audible through the layer of wood separating them.
Antonia felt something break apart in her heart, her jaw dropping open as Bobby’s question sunk into her mind. She stuttered for a second, unsure of what to say. She wasn’t this kid’s mother, but…how could she say no? He’d been abandoned by one parent and was steadily ignored by the other. She’d promised to be there for him already and she couldn’t take that back, even if Cal thought that was a stupid idea.
So she said the only thing she could think of, and when her answer left her mouth she realized that she believed it. “You are, too, Bobby. You’re a very good boy.”
Bobby laughed lightly and sighed, like she’d just given him the answer he’d been waiting for his whole life. Antonia felt happier then, too, her chest feeling lighter and freer after she’d said the words. She had two people in her life now, she realized, both of whom seemed to love her. What else could she ask for?
***
Cal came home early that night, around eight, hours before he usually stumbled into the house at night. Antonia, who was in the middle of putting the boys to bed, felt incredibly unprepared, her whole body flushing as she heard Cal shut the front door behind him and walk further into the house. It’s fine, she told herself as she patted Bobby’s head and left him alone to go to sleep. Cal’s not going to say anything about what happened. You won’t ever have to deal with it. It was just a fluke, and you’re never going to have to think about it again.
Still, she felt a little sick to her stomach as she went into Daniel’s room to make sure he got into bed on time. “All right, say goodnight to your mama.” She leaned over to kiss his forehead while he struggled with his sheets and blankets.
“Goodnight, Mommy,” Daniel said, sighing deeply as he stretched his arms upward and outward, his pajama shirt rising to reveal a splotch of dark grey bruises on the bottom of his stomach.
“Daniel,” Antonia said firmly, grabbing his shirt to inspect the bruises more closely. “What happened here?”
Daniel didn’t answer at first, staring at his mother and biting his bottom lip for a long moment before he finally said, “Um, I think I fell in Daddy’s backyard.”
“Fell onto what?” Antonia asked. “What happened to cause this, baby?”
“I don’t remember,” Daniel said quickly, the pupils of his eyes dilating so wide Antonia could barely make out his irises.
“Daniel…” Antonia said in a warning tone of voice, reaching out to brush her fingertips gingerly across his bruised stomach. “Please tell me if something is going on, okay? I need to know if anybody—if anything is hurting you.”
“Everything’s fine, Mama,” Daniel said, smiling brightly at Antonia. “I’m pretty sleepy, though.”
Antonia sighed and nodded to herself, pulling Daniel’s shirt back down to cover the bruise back up. “All right, baby. You get some sleep. But we’re going to talk about this again tomorrow, okay? And I want a better answer than just ‘I forgot,’ all right? Sweet dreams, my sweet baby,” she said as she exited the room and switched off the lights.
Standing there in the dimly lit hallway, she could barely make out the noises from downstairs, but after a few moments of hard concentration her mind blocked out all other stimuli and zeroed in on Cal’s movements on the floor below. His footfall kept going back and forth, so he was walking around, maybe even pacing with anxious energy. What does he have to be anxious about? Antonia wondered to herself. It’s not like he let his boss bend him over and fuck him and then ignore him the whole day afterwards. When she strained her ears, she could make out the faint sound of glass clinking. Maybe Cal was making himself dinner.
Antonia was tempted to just go back into her room, the one adjoining Daniel’s, and wait there until Cal left for work in the morning. Maybe if she delayed seeing him for a week or so, she would no longer feel awkward whenever she saw him or heard him.
But for some reason her feet moved forward, carrying her to the stairwell, reducing the distance between her and Cal. Her body seemed to move of its own volition, as if there was a rope wrapped around her torso, dragging her forward despite the protests her brain was repeating on a loop as she headed downstairs.
Antonia saw the exact moment that Cal heard her. His shoulders stiffened and his head turned to the side for a brief moment as she came up behind him in the kitchen. In a way, it was a reversal of the night before, when Cal had snuck up behind her. Antonia felt a rush of power at the thought, her blood traveling faster through her veins as she approached Cal, stopping a few inches away
from his back.
“Hello, Antonia,” Cal finally said after a long, tense pause. He was still facing the other direction, his hands flat on the counter in front of him as if he was preparing to launch himself through the window to escape this confrontation.
He’s nervous, Antonia realized with a smug sense of satisfaction. He’s afraid I’m going to talk about it. Let’s see how long I can torture him before I put him out of his misery.
“Haven’t seen you around much the past couple of days,” Antonia said, turning around and heading to the refrigerator to get a snack.
She heard Cal inhale quickly, like he was caught off guard, but he didn’t say anything right away.
“Just wanted to check if you needed an update on Bobby or anything,” Antonia said, keeping her tone light and casual, as if she really hadn’t had any contact with Cal over the past week or so.
“How is he?” Cal asked after clearing his throat. His voice sounded a little ragged, as if he either hadn’t spoken in days or had shouted out his vocal cords.
“He’s wonderful,” Antonia said honestly. She grabbed a yogurt from the refrigerator and went back over next to Cal to grab a spoon from the silverware drawer next to the sink. “He’s one of the sweetest kids I’ve ever met in my life. He loves Daniel, and they play together for hours whenever Daniel isn’t at preschool or with his father. By the way, you should really look into getting Bobby into a preschool program. They can help him develop some learning skills earlier on in life.”
“Can’t you do all that?” Cal asked, turning around to face her. His face looked long and drawn, his eyes dimmer than usual. He must have had a rough day, Antonia observed silently as she began eating her yogurt, taking her time to answer Cal’s question.
“Not exactly,” Antonia said after swallowing a couple spoonfuls of yogurt. “I haven’t been trained or anything, anyway. I’ve been able to do an okay job with Daniel, but I’ve had help from his teachers. Maybe you can sign Bobby up for the same one Daniel goes to. That way, he’d be sure to have at least one friend.”
“Maybe,” Cal said. He thumbed at his bottom lip and stared at the floor next to Antonia’s feet. “I don’t know anything about kids, though. Wouldn’t it be worse to put him in a school only to have him be removed from it down the road?”
“You mean…when you find his mother?” Antonia asked. Cal nodded slowly, still not meeting her eyes. “You’re still committed to that?”
“Nothing’s changed,” Cal said, finally lifting his gaze toward Antonia’s face. Antonia’s heart froze in her chest for a millisecond then pounded so hard she was afraid she was going to pass out. He’s not just talking about his son, Antonia realized, keeping her gaze as steady as possible as Cal continued to stare at her. He’s talking about the sex.
“All right,” Antonia said, licking her lips and nodding in agreement. “I assumed as much anyway, but it’s good to check in.”
“Right,” Cal said. He turned back to whatever food he was preparing on the countertop. Antonia was honestly too nervous to look over at him now to see. Her fingertips were shaking and her knees felt weak. Her stomach tossed and turned inside of her. All of the power she’d felt from before seemed to disappear all at once, leaving her hopeless and inert. She leaned back against the refrigerator and only looked at Cal out of the corner of her eye.
“Anyway,” Antonia forced herself to say. She shoved the rest of her yogurt into her mouth so she would have an easy excuse to leave the room and go back upstairs to hide from Cal, “I better head to bed. I have to get up early to—”
“Ahhh!” Before Antonia could get the rest of her sentence out, she was cut off by a bloodcurdling scream. “Daniel!” Antonia cried out, dropping her yogurt and breaking into a run. She dashed upstairs as fast as she could, rushing to her son’s room and flipping on the light. “Daniel, what is—”
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Daniel shouted, sobbing brokenly as he reached out to be picked up by his mother.
“Baby, what is it? What happened?” Antonia whispered into his ear. She held him close and rocked him back and forth in her arms.
Daniel just sobbed harder and buried his face into Antonia’s shirt, gripping hard at her neck.
“Is everything okay?” Cal asked. Antonia almost jumped, her nerves all on edge after Daniel’s howling scream. She turned around slowly to face her boss and nodded to him.
“I think so,” she replied, petting over the back of Daniel’s head. “Did you have a bad dream, baby?” she asked softly. She rubbed Daniel’s back to soothe away the tension in his little spine.
Daniel nodded and sniffled, keeping his face buried in Antonia’s chest.
“It’s okay now, darling,” Antonia said. “You’re safe. Everything’s fine. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.”
Daniel choked out another sob but otherwise didn’t make any noise in response. Antonia’s skin prickled with worry. Her son was usually so talkative and animated. In the past, whenever he had a bad dream, he’d tell her about it in extreme detail, asking her if any part of it was real. Why was he not jumping into a long-winded explanation now? And did it have anything to do with the bruises she’d noticed earlier?
“What’s going on?” a small voice asked. Antonia turned back to the hallway again and saw that Bobby got gotten up and was now standing next to his father, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Nothing, honey. Go back to bed,” Antonia said. She hugged Daniel closer when he gripped her neck even harder than before, his little nails digging into her skin painfully.
Bobby frowned, his brows furrowed together as he looked to his dad for an explanation. Cal just sighed and put his hand on the top of Bobby’s head. It was the first time Antonia had ever seen Cal touch Bobby, at least in a semi-affectionate way. “Go on back to bed, Bobby,” Cal said. “We can see Daniel some more tomorrow.”
Bobby hesitated, his gaze flipping between Cal’s face and Antonia’s a few times before he finally nodded and turned back around. He paused again at the door to his bedroom and waved a little at Antonia before he disappeared back into his bedroom.
“Why don’t you tell me what you dreamed about, sweetheart?” Antonia whispered into Daniel’s ear again. She shifted her weight from one foot to another as the weight of her son in her arms became more difficult to bear.
Daniel didn’t respond, staying perfectly still in her arms, like a sack of rocks.
Out of nowhere, Cal spoke again, his voice softer and sweeter as he addressed Daniel. “Hey, buddy. Are you hungry? Why don’t we go downstairs and have a sandwich? I know when I have a bad dream, a quick snack can help me forget about it faster.”
Daniel was still for another long moment before he finally nodded his head, keeping his face pressed into Antonia’s shirt. Antonia looked up at Cal again, surprised that he hadn’t gone back to his bedroom by now, but when Cal nodded and gestured for her to follow him downstairs, she complied. She kept a safe distance, though, of at least a couple feet from Cal until they made it back into the kitchen.
“What kind of sandwich do you want? I have just about everything here,” Cal said, presumably addressing Daniel but looking straight into Antonia’s eyes.
“He likes peanut butter on wheat bread,” Antonia said. “Isn’t that right, baby?”
Daniel nodded slowly. Cal set about making a plain peanut butter sandwich. Antonia was practically transfixed, watching as Cal’s wide, broad hands worked slowly and methodically at making the perfect sandwich for Daniel. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Cal’s long, thick fingers, the same ones that wrapped around her neck just twenty-four hours earlier.
When he was done making the sandwich, he gestured for Antonia and Daniel to follow him into the dining room. He set the plate down on the table before taking a seat. Antonia had a feeling that Daniel wasn’t ready to be put down yet, so she settled on the seat and held Daniel in her lap as he reached out for his midnight snack. “Do you want to tell me what you had a nightmare abo
ut, honey?” she asked softly. She brushed some of the hair back from Daniel’s forehead as he leaned over to bite into his sandwich.
Antonia’s son just shook his head and chewed, completely disregarding the question. Antonia felt frustrated and a little annoyed, but she promised herself she wouldn’t show it, instead giving a comforting backrub to her son as he continued to eat.
“What do you have nightmares about?” Daniel asked when he was halfway through his sandwich. It took Antonia a moment to realize it, but he was talking to Cal, not her.
“Uh, what?” Cal asked.
“You said you have nightmares, too, sometimes,” Daniel explained. “What scares you, Mr. Amos?”
Antonia inhaled deeply, preparing herself for Cal’s inevitably caustic, vague response. He didn’t let anyone get close to him, not even his own son. Why would he answer Daniel’s innocent question?