“What? I’m feeling it strongly because my sister is dead. And I fired the shot that killed her.”
My chest tightens. I shouldn’t have used the gun. Should’ve killed with my hands. No room for error then.
Her eyes fill with tears. And I stare at her. How come she can cry?
“But you’re feeling the wrong things strongly,” Five says. “You’re feeling hatred. And it’s fine to feel hatred for all of them—but not yourself.” She looks at me sadly. “The Enhanced, they caused this. They took Mila away from us. Not you.”
I keep staring at her.
“Keelie, it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. I shot her!”
“No, Kee. You just want to feel the burn of it all because you think it will make you feel better. But it won’t. It wasn’t your fault. You were trying to save her. You have saved her.”
I push past her, walk off before she can say any more crap. Of course it’s my fault. Five’s just lying to try and make me feel better.
One of the dogs joins me—the Sarrs’ little terrier—and he barks twice. I push him away as I head for my hut. I don’t like dogs. But, I suppose, the prospect of having a dog barking around me is more preferable to seeing Bea. I saw the look in her eyes earlier.
She knows it was me.
She knows.
And the terrier doesn’t let up. He keeps barking, and then he’s trying to jump up at me.
“What?” I say, irritably. “You know it’s my fault as well?”
A few of the other dogs look over at me, from a fair distance away, and then Seven comes rushing over. She grabs the terrier, and mumbles something. But the dog doesn’t stop barking.
“Will you shut him up? I’ve got a bad headache,” I mutter, feeling my temper rise.
My hands shake, and I stare at my hut. Bea’s inside. I need to see her. Need to.
But I can’t bring myself to move. Just can’t.
Seven tries to quiet the dog, but the animal keeps barking—then he breaks away, running at high speed.
Seven calls after him, and then Three’s out here too, and—
“There’s someone coming!”
Seven’s words jolt through me, and I turn, dread heavy within me. And I just know, I know without waiting to see as the figure becomes more distinct, that it’s Elf.
Part of me doesn’t want to see him—not now.
Not when I have to tell my brother how our youngest sister died.
It’s me, this time. I’m in the cage, and they hold me in it, like a wild animal. There’s a needle in my arm, and a tube runs out of it. They pump me full of augmenters, and, when I scream, they pump more in.
They tell me to be good, that this is better. They tell me that it’s the right way to live, and if I’d only stop crying and screaming, I’d see it.
They’re trying to help me.
And soon, soon I know I’ll be cured, fixed—whatever they want to call it.
Happy—the only thing I can be, here.
And I learn to love my cage. And the smell of the augmenters, the taste—and I’m free, walking through the compound, with my parents on either side of me. But I can’t see their faces. No matter how hard I try, I can’t see them.
“We knew you’d come to us, Keelie.” My mother hugs me.
“We’re all together now,” my father says. “The six of us.”
Six? I look around, and then I see Elf and Bea behind us. Bea is humming and Elf is smiling. Behind them is Mila, with her skipping rope. She grins at me, and my heart grows lighter.
“All together at last.”
I wake up, drenched in sweat. My stomach twists and heaves, and I lay a hand on it, cautiously. It’s dark. Completely dark. And, there’s something about the semi-darkness that makes it worse.
The nightmare was different. It wasn’t me watching someone get converted, or my parents wanting me to save them and me saving them, or a flashback to the night of the attack: it was me and…me with my family. My parents, Elf, Bea, and Mila. All Enhanced.
All together at last.
I can still hear my father’s voice—the last words he said in the dream—and it doesn’t feel like a dream, it feels too real, but I know that’s what it is. I’m not a Seer. It can’t be the future: Mila’s dead. I let out a shaky breath. Dead. Dead. Dead.
And Elf, Bea, and I are not going to become Enhanced.
There’s only one way we can all be together now.
I take a deep breath. I can hear Elf’s breathing. But it’s not shallow, and I don’t think he’s sleeping. I desperately want to talk to him, but I know he won’t say much. He barely spoke when he got back to Nbutai. Not after I’d told him—told him everything about Mila.
He’d just looked at me, and all hope left his eyes. They seemed flat; there was no twinkle, no spark of life. He nodded as I said it, then went to the hut. He didn’t blame me outright—and that surprised me—but he didn’t really say anything.
Neither did Bea. She just watched me, not speaking, not doing anything except sitting there with her arms tightly around her body, sitting on her blanket, her ear defenders on. I wanted her to get up, to go out gathering plants, or chat with Marouska and Katya, or look at the stars—anything that she normally does—but she didn’t. She just sat there.
The jagged pain in my chest starts again, and time passes.
I didn’t look after Mila.
And wherever they are—my parents—they’ll think she’s alive, that we can be together, all of us. Are they looking for us? Imagining finding their four children. They’ll want to convert us…and I think of my dream. The six of us…how good it felt.
Bea’s eyes blink at me in the darkness, and I try to work out what time it is. She hasn’t gone for her usual walk. But now she stands, slowly, and grabs two breakfast bowls. Hers and Mila’s. A moment passes, and I watch her. Watch her eyes grow bigger as she turns and looks at our sister’s empty bed. She puts Mila’s bowl back, and then her own, just rubs her hands together, then shakes them out. Her shoulders shudder, and she makes several gasping sounds. But she doesn’t say anything, just sits back down on her bed, her fingers tangling around her blanket.
A moment later, she repeats the actions.
I press my lips together, looking at her. Bea needs routine to feel calm. But how can she follow her usual schedule without Mila? Yet I know that not doing so could also cause her great stress.
And it’s your fault.
I shake my head—not because the thought is wrong, but because I don’t want to listen to it—but my gaze falls on Mila’s bed, on her doll, on her clothes.
I get up quickly and head outside.
The fresh air does little to make me feel better. My stomach won’t stop churning. Since my parents got converted, I’ve tried not to wish they were here, wish that I could be close to them, be reassured by them. But now, the feeling’s too strong. I want my mother. I want my father. I want them to hold me, like they did when I was little, and tell me it will be okay…even though I killed Mila.
Murderer.
I gulp.
My parents need to know about Mila. I should tell them… Will they kill me? No…the Enhanced aren’t violent.
Something tells me that I’m not thinking clearly.
But I want to see them. I have to find them…and now the feeling within me—the desire to track them down—is even stronger. They need to know of Mila’s death. They need to know I failed.
I failed to rescue them during the one-week window. And I failed Mila.
I look ahead, into the half-light. Everything looks still. Then I see Mila’s football. It’s at the base of one of the huts.
I approach it, pick it up slowly, feel the weight of it in my hands.
Movement behind me makes me turn. For a second, I think it’s Elf and Bea, and that they’ve come to the same realization, that we can go together and find our parents. Maybe with three of us we can separate them from the rest of the Enhanced and try to ge
t them back to being Untamed again.
But it’s not Elf or Bea.
It’s Katya, and she makes a beeline for me.
She’s shaking, and her eyes lock onto mine.
“What is it?” I can’t help but frown.
She looks at me. “I’ve seen you die.”
I stare at her blankly.
“You’ve seen me die?” I say at last, but there’s no emotion in my voice. Just blankness. My words are empty. I grip Mila’s football harder. “A Seeing dream?”
I die. I join Mila. Together again.
Together.
I think of Caia-Lu’s warning: Your death is already written in the silk of time. You cannot escape it.
Katya nods and touches her Seer pendant. The crystal seems to glow in the dim light.
“It’s going to happen soon?” I lean forward, try to read her face, try to see anything in her eyes that will help me. If I die soon, that has to mean I find my parents soon… I can’t die without telling them about Mila. I just can’t.
Katya exhales softly. “I don’t know. The Gods and Goddesses and spirits warn their Seers of immediate conversion attacks that are looming. But I see far too, and these visions are different. Glimpses of the far future—and I’ve seen you die. I’ve been shown it for a reason.”
“So we can prevent it?”
She presses her lips into a fine line. “I saw you die in a building controlled by the enemy. An Enhanced town or city. It is not clear. But I am sorry,” she says. “Visions of imminent conversion attacks are warnings, so we can change the outcome, save ourselves. But far future visions…they cannot be stopped.” She breathes deeply. “But we will try. Don’t go to any Enhanced towns or cities. No raids…or anything else.” But the way she says the words, the way they’re filled with despair, tells me what I need to know. Trying won’t do anything. “We don’t know how soon this vision will be fulfilled,” she finishes.
I nod. “You said it’s the far future? So it could be years?”
But maybe I don’t want it to be years.
“Years or weeks. All I can be certain of is that it isn’t imminent. But we mustn’t tempt fate to take you sooner. Avoid the towns, Keelie. Please.”
I look away, try to keep breathing calmly. My death—foretold by another Seer. Great. I exhale slowly. But I’ve always known I’m going to die. And everyone dies at some point.
Behind Katya, for a second, I think I see Mila.
I see her standing there.
But when she turns, her eyes are mirrors, and I see myself in them, still holding her football. And behind me are my parents.
I flinch, turn and look. My heart pounds.
They’re not there. Of course they’re not. They’re not there, and neither is Mila.
I killed my own sister.
Murderer.
But that’s what I am. I knew that.
“I’ve told Rahn already,” Katya says.
“You’ve told Rahn?” I squeeze the football tighter, then drop it. My fingers click, and I watch Mila’s ball roll away. Katya’s words seem to echo around me. But Rahn doesn’t need telling—everyone knows I killed Mila.
“Yes. I’ve told him about my vision of you being killed.”
My heart pounds. I wipe away the sweat from my forehead. “And?”
“And he thinks I’m losing my powers. I’ve had these far-visions quite a bit. He told me before that they were nightmares, that he only wants to know of proper Seeing dreams. But I had to tell him when I saw this one. And I had to tell you, Keelie, because I know this isn’t an immediate warning—but it’s still part of my power. It’s still going to happen. Eventually.”
“Okay,” I say slowly. I swallow uneasily. “Thanks for telling me.”
My need to report Mila’s death to my parents grows. I need to find them, find them before I die. I have to. I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s a reaction to my grief. I’ve lost Mila—the sibling I was always the least close to. But closeness doesn’t matter. I still need to find my parents. They’re alive. Even if they are Enhanced.
I wonder how they’d react, being Enhanced and all. Can they even feel grief? Anger?
Elf is awake when I head back into the hut. He’s talking to Bea, but she stops speaking the moment she sees me.
I stare at them. “Don’t stop because of me.”
But they do. Bea twists the beads of our mother’s necklace round and round, then strokes each of the butterfly’s wings in turn. I stare at the wings. Four pieces to make something whole.
I move forward, see that Elf is holding what looks like one of the broken radios so his body blocks it from Bea’s sight. It’s one of the models that transmits and receives; Corin smashed the set of them a while back, and, since then, we’ve been stuck using the foxholes. Elf curses, twisting a dial. It looks smaller than I remember.
He sees me looking and hides the radio quickly.
The air is heavy around us.
“You trying to fix it?” I ask.
Elf doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even look at me. Just turns away so I watch his profile. He’s barely spoken to me since I told him about Mila. I’d expected anger, not the silent treatment. But I deserve it, I know that.
I wait a few moments before speaking. “I think we should go.”
My brother turns slightly, and I know I’ll get a reaction now. At least from him. Bea just…doesn’t do anything.
“Go?” Elf looks at me.
I nod. “North. As far north as we… We’ve got to find the compound they’re at—tell them about Mila.”
Elf’s hands tighten into fists, then he loosens them quickly.
I gesture around us, then in the vague direction of New Kimearo. “We’re not going to find them here.” I breathe deeply. Red said he’d located them, didn’t he? But I didn’t ask where they were. Why didn’t I ask? I focus on Elf again. “They’ll be farther north. You know that. And I know it. We can find them and—”
“No.” Elf stands up suddenly. “What are you even thinking? They’re gone, Keelie. Gone. We can’t break them out of an Enhanced compound.”
“I didn’t say to break them out. I know they’re gone! I was saying to tell them about Mila.”
He wrings his hands together in front of his chest. “It’s too much trouble.”
“Trouble?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Yeah—because you’re grieving, and I know you, and you’d try to save them—and you can’t.” His hands are shaking. “Our sister’s dead. You telling them isn’t going to make us feel any better. Or them. Mila is dead. And you killed her.” The light catches his eyes in a strange way. He shakes his head, top lip quivering. “Violence. Murder. It’s….”
I look over to Bea, see her scooting away from us, her eyes wide. Her hands are over her ears now.
I try to calm down, to lower my voice. “It wasn’t my fault—I told you. It was an accident—”
“Believe what you want. She’s still dead—accident or not,” Elf says. “Violence is never good.”
I spit at him. “You sound like a bloody Enhanced.”
“Maybe they have a point. Our parents are safe with them. They’re alive. The only reason Mila died is because of you and your gun. Their society is safe—”
“Go and join them then!” I shout, and Bea cries out. “I’m sure they’ll be delighted to have you—an Untamed who’s what? Come to his senses?” I look at Bea. “Sorry.” I shake my head, know I shouldn’t have shouted. I take a deep breath and look at her. “What do you want to do?”
She stares at me, moving her head slightly. She uncovers her ears, and I repeat the question.
A long moment passes.
“I don’t feel safe here.” Her words are small, and she tugs so hard on the butterfly on our mother’s necklace that I’m surprised it doesn’t break. But I’m glad she’s speaking.
“Bea, we’re safe here,” I say. “The Enhanced don’t know where Nbutai is. It’s just as safe here as it’s al
ways been.”
She shakes her head, and the look in her eyes darkens. “Not safe. Not safe. Not safe.”
Elf presses his hands together, calm now. So calm. “We can’t get our parents back. Whenever we go to a compound, people die. It causes trouble—”
“Not whenever we go,” I say. “What about all the raids? They don’t even know we’re there and—”
“You can’t go looking for our parents, Keelie. You can’t. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.”
I nod. He’s right.
I think of my parents. And suddenly I’m back in those woods, running. My mother grabs my hand—or is it my father? I don’t know; it’s just a hand. And then my father’s saying they’re doing code one.
I breathe out slowly. They sacrificed themselves for us. They became the enemy to keep us safe.
But being dead is better than being Enhanced. And, Keelie, what if your parents believed that too?
I press my lips together slowly, feeling sick.
What if they were expecting you to end them? To not let them live like monsters?
My breath makes a sharp sound in my throat. All this time…all these years, he…my mother and him…was that what they meant? What they really meant?
I try to remember that last conversation. But what does code one really mean? Just that people are going to sacrifice themselves? Or that people are going to sacrifice themselves and expect to be released later?
Oh, dear Gods. I’ve let them live like that, let them live as what they hated most.
I sit down slowly.
Is that what I’m supposed to do?
You’ve got a taste for killing family members now.
The hairs on the back of my neck prickle. No. No. No.
But, Keelie, isn’t it any excuse to do it again? To do what you love? To kill?
The next morning, everyone’s quiet. Rahn arranges a hunting trip out in the mountains. Kayden and a couple of the other men are going on it. It’s normally something I’d jump to go on—and would insist and insist I go until they let me—but I don’t care now.
A Dangerous Game Page 21