I clench my hands into fists. “He’s not going to be the same though.”
“It was one augmenter,” Rahn snaps. “He hasn’t been through a conversion, and it’s not like he’s been Enhanced for years, is it?”
“One augmenter’s enough,” Elf says. “It plants the seed of addiction and—”
Rahn stamps his foot. “He is still one of our group. And you, Keelie—you went to get your sister back even though you knew she’d have had a lot more than one augmenter by the time we got there. We always rescue our people, and get them back if we can. We’ve got Nico back and didn’t even need a rescue mission. He may be different, but at least we’ve got him. That’s a good thing in my book.”
His words hurt, and I recoil from him.
“Now, we go and get Nico, secure him for the night.”
There’s nothing more to say, so we head back to the truck. The darkness seems even more oppressive now. Elf walks close to me, and Rahn leads. The distance between us and the leader gets bigger and bigger. I want to stop and talk to Elf, tell him this is madness—that we need to tell everyone our location could’ve been compromised. Secrets divide people. Secrets kill.
Elf glances at me, opens his mouth, then shuts it again. I know he agrees with me. Twins of the stars.
“What the—” Rahn’s exclamation sounds strange, grates on my ears, and my eyes jolt to him.
Something is wrong. I know immediately.
Elf grabs my hand, we speed up. My head pounds, and I know—just know—that Nico’s not there. He’s gone—somehow, he’s gone. Like Red. Hell. My feet slap the ground. He’s gone to join them—one augmenter was enough. He’s going to lead them to us. We shouldn’t have left him.
I slam into Rahn, and the leader shoves me back.
“What?” Elf says, and then there’s movement, and too much stuff is going on.
Elf pulls himself up into the truck bed, and then Rahn’s shouting.
I see Nico. He’s still there. I frown, I don’t understand.
Elf slaps Nico’s face, then his arms.
“Check for a pulse,” Rahn commands, but his voice is choked up.
And I stare at Nico’s eyes: Untamed once more. How long have they been like that?
But his eyes aren’t right. They’re not mirrors, but they’re dull. Duller than Elf’s were earlier. Dull and….
Lifeless.
I start to feel strange.
My stomach squeezes together. Then I see the rope, and I remember I didn’t use all of it to tie him up. I tried to put him in the same place that Red had been, but Nico’s smaller, and he didn’t need as many bindings to hold him. There was one spare.
“Get Katya!” Rahn commands.
“It’s too late,” Elf says. “He’s gone.”
Gone.
Gone is a strange word. It doesn’t sound right. Or it sounds like the gong of a bell, as if the word should echo over and over again, so that the sound of the word never leaves, and thus it’s a contradiction. It’s not gone, it’s all around us.
People are coming now. The rest of the village.
Everything is a blur.
Nico’s dead.
They don’t think he meant to. Katya says it was probably an accident—that he must have been struggling, scared, trying to get free so he could find more augmenters, and one of the ropes around his body slid up, got around his neck, or something—but Elf and I both heard his threats.
I press my lips together. They taste salty. My eyes tear up again as I stare at the truck. I’m sitting on the ground, and it’s cold, but it’s good because I’m too low to see into the truck bed, to see him.
Nico.
The man who wanted to marry me.
My stomach squeezes together, and I throw up in the sand. It’s mainly bile: long, stringy bile.
“Who tied him like that?” Corin asks.
I did. And everyone knows it.
Another death on my hands. More blood on me.
I back away, still sitting down. Moving my bottom, then my feet. Shuffling backward.
“It’s not your fault,” a voice says. Five’s voice.
I turn and see her, but she’s looking down at me, and she doesn’t sound like she believes what she’s saying. Or maybe it’s just me, wanting to believe that. Because they need to be mean to me. I deserve it.
My lips burn. I wipe the back of my hand across them and keep shuffling.
“Did you find Bea?” someone else asks.
I look up. See Alan standing there.
“She died,” Rahn says before I can say anything.
My gaze jerks to him.
“Keelie and Elf found her body,” he continues. “Dehydration probably weakened her. And a cat got her. She’s dead. Shame it was too long after her death for the Spirit Releasing Words to be said. Shame she’ll be sufferin’, trapped in this world, in pain.”
I stare at him, feel every muscle in my body tighten. What the hell?
He crosses over to me and Elf swiftly, lowers his voice, turning his back on the others. “Don’t say anythin’ contrary. I mean it. Else you’ll pay.” The threat is heavy in his words.
For several moments, I can’t speak. Then, at last, I manage to. “But—but what if she comes back?”
“She won’t. She’ll be dead.” He grins a malicious grin, and it’s as if he’s daring her to come back so he can make his words true.
I shake my head. “Bea’s clever—if anyone can survive on their own, it’s her.”
Rahn snorts. “Let’s hope so. Because even if she does come back, she ain’t welcome here.” He steps away from me, then addresses everyone, much louder. “Take this death as a warnin’. You can’t survive out there, not on your own. I know how to survive, it’s why I’m the leader, and you do as I say. You stick by me, you don’t go gettin’ any ideas, and then you’ll survive.” His eyes cross to Corin, and I sense something between uncle and nephew. “People who think they know better than me, people who go off on their own, people who don’t trust my ability to keep them safe—they end up dead. Those who leave don’t make it. You’re all part of my group, and you obey my rules.”
His eyes linger on me for a little too long, and then people are dispersing, and arrangements for Nico’s body are being made. And I feel…numb.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.”
I let Five take me back to my hut, and she puts me to bed. Half an hour later, she leaves when I pretend to sleep.
But I can’t sleep.
Mustn’t let myself sleep.
Can’t see Nico, not tonight, not in my nightmares.
But I don’t have a choice.
And it’s not just Nico who haunts me.
It all comes crashing down. As I stare into the darkness, I know now that what I did to Mila never sunk in. Not at the time. Not really. But it does now. Everything sinks in, and it clings to me, vowing to never let me go. Never let me be free from the monster I’ve become.
Monster.
Monster.
Monster.
The word won’t leave me alone. It’s everywhere. And people are looking at me strangely now. They know what I am.
A murderer. A monster.
I see Mila everywhere. She didn’t make it to the New World—of course. And now she’s trapped…trapped between the two worlds, and she’s angry…angry at me. Because I did this to her.
And she and Nico are walking together, following me, their mirror eyes burning me.
I’ve trapped them both here, and they know it. My skin welts under their stares, blisters, and I peel it off. Long flakes of skin, like paper.
Mila takes the paper from me, and she draws on it.
But she doesn’t draw a sweet image. None of her flowers. No butterflies—not even her favorite ones, the Lilac Tips or Desert Orange Tips.
Instead, it’s me.
She draws me, with the devil’s horns, and I’m outside during the Turning and spirits are eating my face, tearing chunks out
of my flesh. And she draws several of these images: my death in different stages.
And then Nico joins her, but he looks at Mila differently, and she’s suddenly older, and he kisses her, kisses her passionately, and I’m forced to watch as their bodies entwine until they become one—one huge Enhanced One who grabs me.
I scream, and I’m running. My feet are bare, and the sand is sharp as I try to run faster. Large daggers jut up from the ground, and one impales my foot. I scream.
“Let me save you!” the Enhanced One shouts. And she’s got an augmenter. A massive one, and she drips it over me, and I can’t not swallow it.
But it doesn’t taste good, because it’s made of death and darkness—just like me.
And now my nightmares are real. They’re here in the light, not just the dark. They’re real—it’s different, not like before! They’re happening when I’m awake.
The light isn’t enough to keep me safe anymore.
Katya tries to talk to me several times, when the huge Enhanced One is following me around the village, and it’s better when she speaks because the huge Enhanced One backs away a little.
“Have you seen a conversion attack?” I ask her, and I know I need to tell her everything. But I can’t. My head’s foggy. So foggy. And it doesn’t matter. Because death comes to us all.
And I should be going out there, to find Bea, to check she is all right. Yet, every time I head toward one of the trucks, the huge Enhanced One tries to grab me, threatens to convert me, and I end up shaking and shaking and shaking. Can never stop shaking.
Katya says she hasn’t seen a conversion attack.
I suppose that makes me feel better, the monster that I am. But Katya wants to talk about other stuff—about me, about how I’m feeling.
“I’m a monster.”
I don’t know what she says to that, because I’m in a daze, and the daze won’t let me go. Nothing makes sense. I’m traveling, and people are moving around me. And then I see Mila and Nico again. They’ve separated from being the huge Enhanced One, and they’re both watching me. My own personal demons.
“Don’t tell anyone anythin’,” Rahn snarls at me. And he’s suddenly here. “We’re safe. And I don’t want my people scared because of you and your imagination. We are safe. You’re not thinkin’ straight. You’re grievin’. Leave the safety of my group to me.”
I nod, and then we’re sending Nico’s body off. We’ve traveled a long way, to the water, and I don’t remember going, but suddenly I’m here.
I listen to the Spirit Releasing Words, but they don’t really make sense—maybe it’s because I know. I know we’re too late in saying them. Why are we so late in doing this? He won’t get there, won’t get to the New World. Because he’s already here. Trapped.
I watch Nico’s body float away. He wanted to be safe.
But he’s safe in the wrong way.
Because of me.
Monster.
Monster.
Monster.
Mila starts shouting, throwing more words at me.
I whimper.
“I got Three to check that radio,” Elf tells me in a low voice, some time later. We’re back in our hut.
I turn to him. “What radio?”
“The one that imposter had. He said it was broken, but I wanted Three to confirm it. Told him I found it out there, it had been dropped by an Enhanced, and I wondered if it might be useful.”
“And?”
“And it is broken. He said something about the transmitter not working. He wanted it for parts, but Rahn came over and stopped him. Said it was cursed by some bad spirit and needed disposing of. Just as well really. Don’t want Three fixing it and then accidentally broadcasting our location.” He pauses. “Do radios do that? Broadcast locations?”
I shrug.
He stretches his hands out in front of him. “I guess we are safe after all then. It’s been two days, and I’ve been sleeping with a gun under my pillow, just in case. But they haven’t come.”
Safe. The word tastes bad as I mull it over and over. Then I frown—two days? But another thought comes to my mind.
I turn to Elf, unsure of where the question comes from, but sure that I need to ask it. “Would you have gone with me if it was really you?”
“To find Bea?”
I nod.
“Of course,” he says, gives me a strange look.
“So why aren’t you going off now, to find her?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “If Bea’s survived this long, then she’ll survive another couple of weeks. Rahn’s watching us too closely. We’ve got to bide our time if we’re going to unite our family again.”
Unite our family.
But that’s impossible.
“We could get Mum and Dad too?” I look at him, feeling hopeful. “They sacrificed themselves for us.”
Elf shakes his head. “They’re dead to us, and we have to keep living, not putting ourselves in danger. We can’t get them back. But we can get Bea. We have to be clever—”
“But we could. We’d just have to find Mum and Dad and—”
And Red’s found them.
My eyes widen. That’s what he said. Didn’t he? I try to think, try to force my way through the fog.
“Keelie. Stop it. We can’t look back. The past will only trap us.” His face darkens, and he presses his lips together firmly for a few seconds. When he looks back up, his eyes are sad. So sad. Sadder than I’ve ever seen them before. “You saw what happened to Nico. After only one augmenter and a few hours. Our parents are gone, Kee. It’s been a decade. They’re dead to us now. We have to bury them in our past and keep them there. We have to focus on us—and Bea. On the future.”
Something catches in my chest, and then I’m crying. Crying properly. Huge tears that contain everything, that wash toward Mila and Nico, that wash them away in whispers and screams.
Elf holds me as I cry. He tells me it’s not my fault. It’s the dangerous world we live in.
The two of us stay like this.
I cry for days.
The next week passes strangely, and, soon, I find myself sitting on a rock, one late afternoon, high in the mountains, looking down at Nbutai. I feel irritable, like I want to do something, be active, but I’ve got little energy.
I think the raw part of the grief is lessening now, because I haven’t seen Mila or Nico again. Not since I cried. Cried it out my system. And it makes me feel weird, knowing I hallucinated. Like I’m going mad.
But I’m not mad. I’m not.
I even told Katya about it a few days ago—because someone who was mad wouldn’t tell anyone—and I told her that I’d seen them several times. She reassured me that it was grief, that it was normal—and that it wasn’t really them, that Nico and Mila would’ve got to the New World. I know she can’t be sure what she said was true, but it makes me feel better all the same.
I exhale hard, looking down at the world. The Watcher Doll is in my hands, and I squeeze it, as if by doing so, I can activate it and make the spirits protect me. But it’s just a fantasy.
Elf is next to me, also sitting on the rock. We climbed up here because it’s one of Mila’s favorite places. The four of us came for a picnic here once.
We were four. Now we’re two.
How did it come to this?
But Bea’s still out there. And there have been no new capture or conversion announcements on the radio.
I think she’s alive.
A few days ago, Elf told me the whole story of what had happened to him after I left him when Mila was captured. He said he followed Mila and the Enhanced Ones, but injured his ankle. He had to pull himself to the nearest cover and hide there. Twice, he thought the Enhanced had seen or heard him moving.
He thought about what to do, but he was far from Nbutai, and his ankle was swelling up. He kept moving, once he was sure the Enhanced were out of the area, but an animal attacked him in the dark. He couldn’t see what it was, but it had big teeth and big
eyes.
Somehow, Elf fought it off, but two of his wounds became infected. He became delirious and couldn’t find the way back to the village. He’d been wandering around, half-starved, surviving on berries. At some point, he managed to clean his infected wound when he came across some water and a few plants that Bea had taught him about.
It was a miracle really that I found him when I had. A miracle in more than one way.
“How are you now?” Elf asks. Then he wraps me in a tight hug.
I shrug, careful not to drop the Watcher Doll. I think of how Caia-Lu was always so careful with it. “I should be asking you that.”
“I’m fine.” He pulls back, smiling.
“So…” I look at him carefully. “Do you think we’re really safe? What if the imposter’s messages did get through—or Red could’ve told them?” Because he would’ve definitely made it back to New Kimearo—I’m sure. Rahn said the need for augmenters would’ve been driving him strongly. He’ll have made it there for sure.
Elf doesn’t answer for a few moments. “No one has come for us. But I’ve been talking to Rahn. He’s thinking about moving us all on. He hasn’t said anything officially yet about moving, only to me, so no one else knows about it. But he is sensible, and I think what we’ve told him has got to him.”
Sensible would’ve been moving the moment we told him.
I exhale hard, pocket the Watcher Doll, and grip my hands together. My thumb slides over a rough bit of skin on my right hand, and I pick at it absentmindedly. “Where are we going to go?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t say. And I’m not even sure you’re supposed to know, given he told me on the down-low.” He gives me a cautious look.
“I won’t say anything. Promise… But we’ll need to raid, won’t we?” I look down at the blood now on the back of my hand, where I’ve picked the scab off. I smear it against my jeans quickly before Elf can see. “We’ll need supplies. Need to make sure we’re not running low on essential stuff when we’re traveling.”
A Dangerous Game Page 29