by Shaun Hutson
‘You must have had a lot of confidence in your own ability.’
‘I was just an arrogant bastard.’ He smiled. ‘I couldn’t see how they’d be able to turn me away.’
He laughed and the sound was infectious.
‘Have you always lived here?’ Hailey continued. ‘Apparently there used to be some beautiful little villages in this part of Buckinghamshire. Until they all got swallowed up by the New Town.’
Walker sat back in his seat, looking thoughtful.
‘What’s wrong?’ she wanted to know.
‘I’ve done nothing but talk about myself ever since we sat down,’ he said.
‘I’m interested. You did find my daughter, didn’t you? I want to know about you.’
‘All right, let’s get the boring details out of the way, then. What do you want to know? But I’ll warn you now, there’s a lot less to me than meets the eye.’ Again that smile. Again she found herself looking deeply into his eyes.
‘What about family?’ she asked.
‘One brother, one sister.’
‘Do they live around here, too?’
‘No.’
‘You said on the phone that your nephew was killed in a hit-and-run.’
‘My sister’s boy,’ he said, cutting her short. ‘That was why, that morning, when I saw Becky out in the road, I had to do something to help her. That brought back all those memories of what had happened to my nephew.’ He smiled thinly. ‘Go on – next question.’
‘Now you’re making me feel like I’m interrogating you,’ she protested. ‘I’m curious, that’s all.’
‘Go on, then.’
‘Are your parents still alive?’
‘My father is. I don’t know about my mother. She left home when I was eight. Ran off with another man.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not, and I’m not surprised either. I think my father drove her out. He was a vicar. Ironic, I suppose. He’s up in his pulpit every Sunday preaching about adultery, and then his own wife fucks off with somebody else.’ He looked at her. ‘Excuse my language.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ she told him. ‘Do you still see him now?’
‘When I can. Most of the time it’s a wasted trip. He can’t even remember who I am, usually. Alzheimer’s. He’s in a nursing home just outside the city. We talk about as much now as we did when I was growing up.’ He tapped the table top gently with the flat of his hand. ‘Right, that’s enough about me. I want to know something about you.’
‘Like what?’ She smiled.
‘Whatever you want to tell me.’
‘Well, you know I’m married with a little girl.’
‘Happily married?’
He was smiling.
‘Sometimes,’ she told him, her own smile now a little strained.
‘What does your husband do?’
She told him. Told him about the wedding. About Becky.
Are you going to tell him about Rob’s affair? Tell him how angry you still are?
‘What did you do before you had Becky?’ he asked.
‘I worked for a local company director, as his PA,’ she informed him.
‘Which company?’
‘SuperSounds, it’s just outside the city.’
‘I know it. They make guitars, don’t they?’
She nodded.
‘I was PA to Jim Marsh, the owner.’
‘Did you enjoy it?’
‘I loved it. It was long hours though, and there was quite a bit of travelling involved. Whenever he went to trade shows, I had to go with him.’
‘Anywhere exciting?’
‘Tokyo, New York, LA, Milan. Shall I stop there?’ She grinned.
‘Quite a globetrotter. Did it bother your husband that you were away so much?’
‘A little bit.
(tell him the truth, Rob hated it)
But he was very tied up with his own business, so it wasn’t too bad, and I didn’t travel that often. Jim still stays in touch.’
‘Do you miss it?’
‘I miss the job sometimes, not the travelling so much.’ She looked down at her half-eaten meal. ‘I think Rob was pleased when I gave up.’
‘Would you go back?’
‘I couldn’t – not now we’ve got Becky. Jim’s called a few times and asked me. He even offered to pay for a nanny, but I couldn’t leave Becky.’
‘And your husband wouldn’t like it?’
She shook her head.
‘What was it like working for a famous man?’ Walker persisted.
‘I wouldn’t call Jim Marsh famous,’ Hailey replied with a mock grimace.
‘He’s successful. People know him. They’ve heard his name. He’s made his mark on the world and I admire him for that. I admire anyone who does that. Life’s short. I certainly don’t want to die without anybody knowing I was here in the first place.’
‘Is fame important to you, then?’
He looked directly into her eyes.
‘Have you ever wanted something so badly you’d kill for it?’ he said flatly.
15
FOR A SECOND she looked at him blankly, studying those features set in a determined expression.
Then that familiar grin spread across his face once again, and Hailey too found herself smiling.
‘Yes, I admit it, I’d love to be famous,’ he said, chuckling. ‘The adoration, the money, people following me around telling me I was great. Others running up and asking for my autograph. I reckon I could cope with that.’
She laughed.
‘You conceited sod,’ she said.
‘What’s conceited about it?’ he wanted to know. ‘When they put me in a bloody box and bury me, I want someone to know I’ve been here. And it’ll happen. I know it will. After all, Andy Warhol once said that everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes, didn’t he? I just hope to Christ he was right.’
‘So, you’re looking forward to your fifteen minutes, are you, Adam?’
He nodded.
‘I’m not joking, Hailey,’ he insisted.
As she looked at him she didn’t doubt his sincerity. In some ways he reminded her of Rob: that same single-mindedness and drive.
Rob? Why think about him now? Guilt pricking you, is it?
She pushed the thought aside.
‘What does your girlfriend think about it?’ she wanted to know.
‘No girlfriend,’ he said.
‘I find that hard to believe.’
‘There’s a compliment in there somewhere, isn’t there?’
‘Isn’t there anyone, then?’
‘Not at the moment,’ he told her. ‘Work comes first. You should know that, Hailey. You’ve been around men like Jim Marsh. They don’t let relationships get in the way of their careers. He’s been married a couple of times, hasn’t he?’
‘Twice.’
‘Has he ever tried it on with you?’
She looked at him for a moment, taken aback slightly by the question.
‘He knew I was married,’ she said.
‘What difference does that make?’
‘Perhaps I wasn’t his type.’
‘Did it bother your husband that you went away abroad with Marsh?’
She shrugged.
Are you going to tell him the truth? Tell him how Rob practically accused you of having an affair after a trip to Madrid?
‘He understood it was part of the job,’ she lied.
Lying comes quite easy, doesn’t it?
‘I’d have been jealous,’ said Walker.
She smiled sheepishly, feeling her cheeks colour slightly.
‘Does your husband know you’re having lunch with me?’ Walker persisted.
Again they locked stares.
‘It’s only lunch, Adam,’ she told him.
‘A thank you.’
Was that a hint of sarcasm in his tone?
‘I meant what I said,’ she insisted. ‘I appreciate what you did that day, finding Becky. A
nd what you’ve done for her since.’
‘So he doesn’t know?’
She shook her head. ‘He’s away for a couple of days on business.’
Walker nodded sagely. ‘Does it bother you when he goes away?’ he enquired.
‘Sometimes,’ she confessed.
‘Is he ambitious?’
‘I suppose he is.’
‘Is that why you married him?’
‘There was a little more to it than that.’ She smiled.
‘But did his ambition make him attractive to you?’
‘Yes, it did. He used to say that if he wanted something he’d get it, and most of the time he did.’
‘I admire him for that.’
‘It’s a haulage firm he runs, not British Rail.’
‘He still made something of himself,’ Walker insisted. ‘And so did you. Working for a man like Jim Marsh must have been quite prestigious.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’
‘Why did you give up that kind of life, Hailey?’
‘I told you, I gave it up when I had Becky.’
‘But why would you want to give it up just to have a child?’
‘We both wanted a child. My biological clock was ticking, I suppose.’ She smiled.
‘At twenty-four? You could have carried on working for another ten years, and then had a baby. But you gave it all up for your child. I respect that kind of devotion; I just don’t understand it.’
She looked at him blankly.
‘It might happen to you one day,’ she said finally. ‘If you fall in love, you might find that even your career isn’t so important, and—’
‘Never,’ he said, cutting her short. ‘If you could turn back the clock, would you have a child later in life?’
‘I don’t know, Adam. I wouldn’t give up Becky for anything now.’
‘No, but then. Were you happy when you found out you were pregnant, when you realized you were going to have to give up work?’
‘I didn’t mind,’ she said defensively.
What the hell was he driving at? Had he touched a nerve in her?
‘You were prepared to give up everything you had to play happy families?’
Tell him the truth.
The knot of muscles at the side of her jaw pulsed.
She was aware of his eyes boring into her. But, when she looked at him, she saw compassion in his gaze.
‘I didn’t want a child then,’ she said flatly.
Why are you telling him this? You’ve known this man for less than two hours.
She looked back deeply into his eyes, as if seeking reassurance for her confession, wondering why she wanted to tell him. Surprised at how easy it had been.
‘Rob wanted a child,’ she continued, her tone subdued. ‘He had his heart set on it. I wanted to carry on working. I loved that job, and it paid well too. I thought that I could be a help to Rob if I was independent, not relying on him for money all the time.’ She exhaled wearily. ‘We even spoke about an abortion. Well, I mentioned it. Rob didn’t want that.’
Walker didn’t speak, merely sat gazing at Hailey as she continued.
‘As the pregnancy became more advanced, it got to the stage where it was too late for an abortion. By that time I’d come to terms with it.’
‘But you weren’t happy?’
‘I would have waited until I was ready. I suppose some people would say that I gave in to Rob. He always wanted me to give up my job working for Jim, and the pregnancy gave him an excuse.’
She shrugged. ‘But I wouldn’t change things now,’ she said, none too convincingly. ‘I love Becky more than anything in the world.’ She swallowed hard. ‘I suppose you think I’m stupid.’
He reached out across the table and, very slowly, drew one index finger across the back of her right hand.
She caught the digit and squeezed gently, holding it for a second, looking again into his eyes.
‘You’re not stupid,’ he told her.
‘If I’d been as determined as you, I wouldn’t have given up my job, would I?’ She smiled.
‘It takes a lot of strength to be so single-minded, to want something so badly that everything else becomes secondary. Not everyone has that strength. Not everyone should have that strength. It took just as much courage for you to give up your job.’
‘Like I said, I love Becky more than anything else in the world.’
‘Anything?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Do you love her more than your husband?’
Hailey shook her head and smiled.
‘Adam, what kind of question is that?’ she said.
‘I was curious, that’s all.’
‘It’s a different kind of love. It’s unconditional: both ways. Perhaps it’s easier to love a child than another adult, because the child doesn’t expect anything of you. All they want is for you to be there when they need you.’
‘And what does Rob want from you?’
She looked down at the table, her eyes focused on a small puddle of spilled milk.
‘Sometimes I’m not sure what he wants,’ she said finally.
‘You know he loves you, though?’
She nodded.
‘What about you?’ she wanted to know. ‘You must have loved someone at sometime.’ Hailey wanted him to talk for a change. She was beginning to feel she had already said too much to him, and yet it was so easy to talk in front of this man – this stranger. She felt as if she’d known him all her life. No detail of her life seemed too intimate to share with him.
Even Rob’s affair?
‘There’ve been women,’ he told her.
‘Lots?’ she said, smiling.
‘I don’t keep score.’
‘And you’re telling me you never loved one of them?’
‘Career first,’ he reminded her.
She grinned.
‘I’ll make it, Hailey,’ Walker continued.
‘I don’t doubt that, Adam. Not for a minute.’
Only when she looked down did she realize she was still holding his hand.
And it felt right.
Despite everything she knew.
It felt right.
16
HAILEY STOOD BENEATH the shower spray, eyes closed, the jets of water stinging her skin. She adjusted the temperature slightly, reached for the soap and began smoothing it over her body.
She’d arrived home less than twenty minutes ago and headed straight upstairs for a shower. She had another hour before having to pick up Becky from school.
There had been a couple of messages on the answer-phone, but she’d decided to leave them until afterwards.
Now she stood beneath the spray, an image of Adam Walker imprinted on her mind.
Their parting had been awkward, almost clumsy. Both of them standing outside Tivoli’s looking at each other, wondering what to do next. How to conclude their meeting. Hailey had wondered for brief, ridiculous seconds if she should shake hands with him.
Finally she had leant forward and kissed him gently on the cheek, thanking him for meeting her for lunch.
He had seemed a little reluctant to leave her then, offering to walk her back to her car. She had declined.
She’d kissed him again on the cheek, then turned and walked away, though wanting to look back in his direction. Even now she wondered why she hadn’t.
Frightened he wouldn’t have been still looking at you?
Because she knew that was what she wanted.
She had wanted to turn and see him looking longingly after her.
She had wanted him to be attracted to her, wanted him to desire her.
Wanted him to want her.
As she wanted him?
As she soaped her breasts she felt her nipples stiffen and she worked the soap into the hard buds, her other hand gliding down her belly into the wet curls of her pubic mound. Then beyond to the warm moisture between her thighs.
She tried for a moment to push his image f
rom her mind, but then decided not to. She wanted that sight in her subconscious. Wanted to think of him looking at her. To think of him touching her.
Her breathing became deeper as her index finger began to gently stroke around her clitoris. She stepped back so that the jets of water struck her hips and upper thighs, their stinging sensation pleasing, adding to the pleasure she was already feeling from the movement of her fingers.
What are you doing?
Her eyes snapped open and she pulled her hand away from her swollen labia, as if ashamed of the sensations she felt there.
What are you doing?
She switched off the shower and stood motionless in the cubicle, droplets of water still falling from the shower head, plopping into puddles on the tiles beneath her feet.
Hailey listened to her own harsh breathing for a moment longer, then stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and dried herself hurriedly.
She pulled on jeans and a T-shirt, stepped into trainers and hurried downstairs.
As Hailey walked into the kitchen, her breathing was now slowing slightly. Her heart was still thudding against her ribs, and she felt that warmth between her legs as insistent as unconsummated desire.
She took a glass from the draining board, spun a tap and filled it. Swallowed the contents. Drank another glass.
Get a grip.
She wandered out into the hall to check the messages on the answerphone.
One from her mother: would Hailey call her back?
Another from Caroline Hacket: call her when she got a minute.
Hailey looked at her watch. Time to pick up Becky.
She sucked in one last breath, held it, then let it out slowly, satisfied that she had regained control.
Ten minutes to drive to the school. Becky would be kept waiting otherwise.
Hailey walked out, shutting the front door behind her.
Inside the house, the phone began to ring again.
ASPEN, COLORADO
The girl had been dead for two days.
He’d hidden her body well – concealed it in the boot of an abandoned car.
As he walked back through the woods towards the vehicle, he could picture her in his mind, picture her in life.
Late teens. Pretty. Her long dark hair parted in the middle. He’d asked her name. He always asked their names, but as he approached he could not recall it.
That didn’t matter.