by Lily Zante
“Noah,” she said, making his name sound like a disappointment. You turn up now?
“Where’ve you been?” he asked.
“Here, working as usual.” Where have you been?
“Here? I looked out for you.”
She fixed him with a puzzled expression. “I’ve been here every day, some days early, some days later.” Looking for you, I tried all different times.
“I’ve been at different times too.”
She almost laughed. It was comical, and yet so frustrating. “We must have missed one another.”
“So we meet today.”
“I can’t stay.” Her disappointment obvious at the missed opportunity.
He, too, looked as disappointed as she felt. Either she’d walk out of here and they’d go back to the random bumping into one another, or…
“I sometimes grab a sandwich from here around lunchtime.” He said.
“I could grab a sandwich for lunch.”
“So maybe I’ll see you here? Around one?”
“Maybe.” It was crazy, weird. But it was real. He had actually, in a roundabout way, asked her to meet him for a sandwich here at one o’clock. And she’d accepted.
It wasn’t a date. It was only lunch.
Chapter 15
So as not to miss any chance of seeing her, Noah arrived at the coffee shop by a quarter to one. He had told her a little white lie. He never walked all the way here for his lunch. There were plenty of sandwich shops closer to his workplace.
But on hearing that he’d missed her every morning, and with her being in a hurry this morning, he didn’t want to waste any more time.
He wasn’t sure, but he got the impression that she was interested. He’d have to probe deeper without seeming to probe deeper. She obviously had stuff going on, and he couldn’t push too much. But he would be here for her if she needed a listening ear. And goodness knew that girl looked like she could do with a listening ear most mornings.
He could do coffees for as long as it took.
He watched as she walked in quickly, having seen her cross the road from where he sat. She rushed in, all red-faced, and he watched her for the few seconds while she scanned the room, looking for him. Each time he saw her, he glimpsed another facet to her personality—this girl who was no longer a stranger.
Her gaze located him, and she waved, then pointed to his unopened sandwich and mouthed, “I’ll get mine too.”
He nodded, and waited, watching her again until she got her lunch on a tray and walked towards him.
“Were you waiting long?”
“No.” Half an hour waiting for her wouldn’t be long. Fifteen minutes was nothing. He’d thought about suggesting they go someplace else, but then he didn’t want to come across too heavy and scare her off. A sandwich was a sandwich—nothing else. If he suggested a proper lunch, it might be too much. Small steps, he told himself. “This is a first,” she said, sitting down.
“Meeting for the second time in a day?”
“Meeting for lunch, at that.” She seemed freer, unhurried. Whatever it was that had made her so sad the other day seemed to have passed.
“So, Noah, from the Black Diamond group.”
“Yes, Melissa, from the Zimmerman Group. How’s your day been?”
“Busy. But good busy. You know how sometimes you can have miserable-as-hell-busy? Today wasn’t one of those days. I still have energy.”
“You seem a lot more cheerful today.”
She colored, and he knew she’d been reminded of the conversation last week. “That’s just”—she stopped chewing, and raised her eyes to his—“people sometimes.”
Someone at work was being difficult?
“The dynamics of the work environment.” He bit into his sandwich.
“Something like that.”
They ate quietly for a while, amidst the constant filling up and emptying of tables around them. “Next week everything will start to grind to a halt,” he commented. It would be Christmas. A time he dreaded.
“I’m so looking forward to Christmas,” said Melissa. “I’m leaving on Monday to go home for a few days.”
“Yeah?” he said, not wanting to talk about what his Christmas would be like. “I’m going to move into a shared apartment with one of my friends.”
“A busy time for you then?”
“It sure is.” Finally. Moving on.
“Who’re you sharing with?”
“My friend, Paul. The shorter commute will be great. It’s taking me about an hour fifteen traveling in from where I am at the moment.”
“That long?” she asked, looking horrified. “Bet you can’t wait to move.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” he agreed. Then told her, “I’m off tomorrow. I think I need to start packing my things. Something tells me it’s going to be busy and silly to move over Christmas.”
She finished off her sandwich, chewed thoughtfully. “It might be the perfect time, when everyone else is winding down, to push on ahead and get moved. The chances are it’ll be relatively quiet elsewhere.”
“That’s what I thought.” That, and because he wanted to make the move happen before the one year anniversary.
They were making small talk, polite talk. But he wanted to ask if she had a boyfriend, to probe around the outer edge of those relationship boundaries. He wanted to know if she was single and interested. Because he was. And all things being equal, if she was single and interested, then they could make plans of some sort.
But he didn’t want to push too much, too soon. It was different from knowing Bree. They’d had history from high school and added to their history by getting together a second time.
This thing with Melissa was completely new to him. It wasn’t even as if they knew a mutual third party whom they could each consult for updates on the other’s current relationship status.
This was new territory for him, and the only way to not blow it would be to take it slow, let things unfold. If he had a chance, he’d get to find out in due course.
“I’m looking forward to being in the city, bright lights and all that.”
“Yeah. We love it. There’s so many great bars and restaurants close by, and you can pretty much walk to most places, as you know.”
His breath had hitched on the “we.” She’s taken.
“Heather and I usually go out once a week.” He relaxed a little at this. The faint ringtone of a cell phone sounded close by. Melissa continued, “There’s a cool new bar called Zoot that’s opened not far from here.” She reached into her bag and drew out the cell phone.
“I’ve heard of it,” he said. Paul had mentioned something about a Zoot recently. “Go ahead,” he said, when she looked up at him, almost apologetically, then with a hardened expression on her face, she cut the call off.
“It can wait.”
A sound tinged again before she’d had the chance to put the phone out of sight.
“You recommend Zoot?” he asked her, but her attention diverted to the cell phone.
“Ignore that. Sometimes I get texts about work.” He watched her flick a few buttons before she shoved the cell phone into her bag. “Zoot, you should try it.” She attempted to continue with the conversation, but he could tell that something had shaken her. Maybe the real pressure was work related. The good news for the day was that she lived with a girlfriend. And so far she hadn’t mentioned a guy.
The signs were looking good.
Chapter 16
“What’s going on?” Matt stood in front of her desk, shaking with anger.
“Nothing’s going on,” she said in a quiet voice, looking around her.
“You put me off with excuses all weekend and now that I’m back you’re on a half day and you’re going home for Christmas?”
“I-I—it’s what I always do. I thought I told you.”
“You went home for Thanksgiving, and you’re going again now? What about me?”
Don’t you have a home to go to? He soun
ded like an angry child.
She’d done the dirty on him, she knew she had; she’d been avoiding him the entire weekend, ever since he returned from the course. He hadn’t known about her detailed Christmas plans until a moment ago because she deliberately kept things vague with him—not wanting him to be any part of her plans, or her life.
When he’d been away on the course she thought she’d summoned up the courage to tell him she wanted out. But now that he was back, and she was faced with the sudden prospect of it, she decided against it. A few days before Christmas didn’t seem the right time anyway.
She was supposed to leave tomorrow morning to make her way home to her parents, but she’d decided to go this afternoon. She was on a half day as it was and she didn’t want to make herself available for Matt to hound her now that he had returned to work after his course.
The only reason she hadn’t asked Nadine for the morning off was because she was helping her put a presentation together.
He paced around furiously. “Is this to do with that misunderstanding?” Misunderstanding? Was that how he saw it? She’d put that episode to the back of her mind. And since then, her thoughts had circled around Noah, and their burgeoning friendship. She hadn’t technically done anything wrong. Having lunch with a guy who now occupied more of her thoughts wasn’t technically doing anything wrong.
“How many times do I have to apologize for that?” he hissed when she didn’t answer. Nadine opened her door and came out. “Thanks, Melissa. Great work. Here you go.” She handed Melissa her memory stick. “I don’t want you working on any of that during your break.”
She stayed by Melissa’s desk and looked at Matt, who suddenly looked sheepish. “I’ll see you later.” He mumbled gruffly and left.
“Is everything alright?” Nadine asked.
“Yes,” Melissa replied brightly, faking it. “I’m ready to leave—if you no longer need me.” She was anxious to go while she could—and before Matt accosted her again. She also knew she was deliberately avoiding Nadine’s question.
“I’m done. You’ve finished everything I wanted you to do.” Nadine hovered around. “You’re going home to see your parents?”
Melissa nodded. “How about you?”
“We’re spending time at home, doing nothing. Except on Christmas Day we’re having some of Ethan’s friends over. It should be good. You have a good holiday.”
“Thanks. You too. Take it easy and have a good break too. Okay?” She flipped her boss an arched eyebrow. “Don’t forget to go home and stay there for a few days.”
“Ethan won’t let me out of his sight, don’t worry.”
Quickly, Melissa cleared away her desk and admired the wood surface now devoid of clutter. Empty, clear, clean.
Going home was a blessing and she was ready to spend Christmas week with her family. She’d be back here in time for New Year’s. And that’s when she’d worry about Matt and ending it with him.
Throughout her journey home Melissa’s thoughts jolted up and down, at times darkened by her situation with Matt, and uplifted by thoughts of Noah. As long as she had Matt skulking over her, she wasn’t able to lose herself in the possibility that was Noah.
Stepping back into her warm home, and into the arms of her loving parents, was exactly the thing she’d been missing and so sorely needed.
The Christmas break took her mind away from work, and Matt. And when her mother took her to one side and asked her whether she’d met anyone, Melissa shook her head, and said no.
Because they’d parted on not so friendly terms, communication between her and Matt was thankfully minimal. And after he’d sent her an image on Christmas Eve of her lying on his bed, in a semi state of undress, she switched off her cell phone altogether and resolved not to contact him at all.
Not even to wish him a Merry Christmas.
Chapter 17
A silent sadness spread all around the miserable place and even the floral shots of color that peppered the bleak landscape, like Monet teardrops on a dull canvas, were powerless to lift the gloom.
A sea of tranquility descended over him, covering the turbulent sadness that lingered deep inside.
Of course he’d come empty-handed. What was the point of buying flowers? It wasn’t as if she’d admire them, or tell him how much she loved the color, or the smell of them. It wasn’t as though she could run her fingers over the petals.
Not now that she lay under here.
Noah crouched down and his gaze dropped to the mottled dark gray tombstone. Cold and hard, it protruded like a shimmering iceberg from the chilled, rock-solid earth.
She was one of the first people he had loved, and now she was gone. At first he started to count the hours since he’d last seen her. The days, and then the months and ….now it was a year. Through it all he still wondered: could I have saved her?
The last time he’d seen her had been two weeks before she died. They had separated by then; it had been her way of pushing him away, the way she always engineered everything. She’d fought for control—control of her body, control of her urges, of the constant eating and purging.
Bit by bit he was piecing it together. The patterns and the excuses. Always the excuses: why she couldn’t meet up, the last minute cancelling of plans. He would later discover that it was during these sudden, last-minute unexplained absences that she would binge, then vomit, then swear she’d never do it again. Then she would go and work out for hours at the gym. It was a constant battle, between excess and repentance, a cycle she could never break.
Her parents had offered to accompany him to the cemetery today, but he knew they each needed their time alone to grieve. As much as he had loved her, even Noah knew that in time, while he might not completely forget, he would move on. That someone else would come along and replace the memories, the touches, the hopes.
But for her parents, there would be no such respite, no such replacement. Nor for her sister. He knew, despite his own pain—as sharp and as deep as it was—the pain of her parents went deeper, was sharper, would be ever present.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. Yet at the same time he never thought of her as being here, even as he read the inscription on the tombstone.
The Bree he’d fallen in love with was not here. Even when he recalled their times together, in his memories she was never the frail ghost of her former self. He chose to remember only the beautiful, healthy girl from high school.
The sorrow came not just from losing the beautiful girl who had gone but also for the lost chances and missed moments that might have saved her life.
It didn’t matter how many times his parents or her parents told him he couldn’t have done anything. He still believed he could have.
Crouched over the unforgiving earth, Noah’s eyes focused on the tombstone, and he sat, a solitary figured hunched over, until the angry sky turned even darker.
He had to be here, to mark the passing of a year.
But Christmas Eve would be forever tainted.
Chapter 18
The bitter chill of the miserable and wet foggy morning trailed behind her as Melissa pushed open the glass door to the coffee shop. The warmth kissed her face and the bitter aroma of coffee welcomed her in.
Returning to work was hard enough, but facing the fog of San Francisco added another layer of harshness to the already gloomy prospect. Especially when it meant leaving the peaceful contentment of home and her parents.
She’d considered calling in sick, so that she could have a few extra days off. But in the end, her conscience intervened and she dragged herself back to work when so many were still enjoying the break probably still snuggled up in bed with loved ones for a few more lazy days.
Heather was already back, and with things between them now normal again, the return to the city was bearable.
She joined the end of the line, loosening the scarf around her neck and pushing her hair over her shoulders, her thoughts scattered, as she got ready to order the usual.
“Hey,” said Noah, in his affable voice, instantly brightening her day.
“Good morning.” A smile formed on her lips as she greeted him. He’d been in her thoughts most moments, sometimes foremost and vibrant, and other times dimmer and in the background. But always there.
Her grin widened even more when she saw him casually observing the selection of cakes and pastries being offered.
“I haven’t been waiting here for you all morning. I promise,” he said, turning to face her, his eyes examining her as though he’d seen her for the first time. Her gaze dropped to the takeout coffee cup in his hand and her hopes, just like her heart, plummeted to the floor.
He was leaving.
“Of course you haven’t.” She stared at his fingers as he ran them through his hair, sweeping it back at the sides in the style he often wore it. She couldn’t have asked for anything more than to see him on her first day back
“It needs a cut, I know,” he said, becoming aware of her stare.
“Don’t—it looks nice long.”
“Then I’ll leave it a while.”
“Sorry.” Someone pushed past them and they both instinctively moved to the side, out of the direct path from the door to the coffee station.
This period between Christmas and New Year meant it was still quiet on the streets, even downtown San Francisco was laid back. She’d come a little early today. Not too early. Not gym early. She hadn’t been to the gym for a long time. And maybe she wouldn’t go back there again.
They smiled at one another. But this time his gaze was more searching, a little more intense than usual and it made her wonder. Had he been thinking of her as much as she’d thought of him during their time apart?
Or was it just her? Did he sense this feeling, like a low thrum of electricity between them? Invisible, but there.
Definitely there.