by Lily Zante
“That the guy was an asshole.” Heather was blunt, if nothing else.
Melissa crossed her arms defensively. “He’s not always a total asshole.”
“No? Maybe one percent of the time he isn’t.” Heather crossed over to her and laid an arm on her shoulder. “He wasn’t any good for you, Mel. You know that, right? And you did the right thing.”
Melissa rubbed her hands together. She felt subdued, not euphoric. Weighed down by heavy chains, not free. A sense of foreboding stayed with her—like an irritating eyelash skimming the surface of her eye. She didn’t feel completely at ease.
Her friend gave her a sympathetic look. “It’s not going to be easy. I know you liked him. This will make it better.” Melissa smiled as her friend walked over to the refrigerator. A part of her felt relieved that she had done the hard part—that she’d said the words to him. She knew there would be consequences, but the hard part was behind her now. Tomorrow, on New Year’s Eve—she’d start the year unburdened, single, and free.
“What are we doing tomorrow?” she asked, watching Heather retrieve a huge tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream from the freezer.
“Before dinner?” asked Melissa, eyeing the large tub with both delight and apprehension.
“It’s totally warranted.” Heather got out two spoons, when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it. You start.” She handed Melissa a spoon and disappeared.
Melissa peeled back the ice-covered plastic lid and got ready to scrape out a ball of smooth, velvety brown happiness.
Until his voice filtered through to the kitchen. The hairs on the back of her neck bristled and the spoon remained suspended over the frozen chocolate. Slowly, she turned her head in the direction of the hallway. Her ears strained to hear.
“She doesn’t want to see you.” Heather’s tone was brutal.
“I don’t want to talk to you; I want to talk to Melissa.” Matt’s voice teetered on the brink of eruptive anger. Melissa got up and headed towards the door. Matt lifted his head and stared straight at her. “Mel—we need to talk.”
Heather turned and gave her a frosty stare. “You don’t have to do anything.” She refused to move, standing at the door with her arms folded across her chest.
Melissa walked to the door. “It’s okay,” she told Heather. Her friend’s face looked like thunder. “I can take it from here,” Melissa insisted, though she wasn’t sure if this was more for Matt’s benefit or hers. Heather stormed off.
Inhaling deeply, Melissa faced Matt. “Hey.”
“I want to talk. That’s all.” The plea in his voice tugged at her, putting her in a dilemma that made her feel torn between a sense of pity for him and loyalty to the friend she had just announced her feat of victory to. She stood in the hallway, not completely closing the front door, leaving it slightly ajar. Here would have to do. She didn’t want to take him into her bedroom.
“I’m sorry, Mel. Sorry about earlier.” He shifted from one foot to the next, still in his coat, with one arm resting on the strap of his backpack, as if he was about to take off at a moment’s notice.
Seeing him looking so defeated made her feel sorry for him. His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “I can change.”
She leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath, unsure of what to say. So she said nothing.
“I will change,” he said again, thinking she hadn’t heard him. “I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but you make me want to be a better me.” His words made her look back at him. She shook her head. He wasn’t making this any easier for her. He took her hand and squeezed it.
“I don’t know.” She gave in a little. Let him still hold her hand.
No. This isn’t what you want. She was doing it again, giving him her power, letting him decide what happened. But she had already decided what was going to happen, had already made up her mind about what she wanted.
And Matt wasn’t it.
“Don’t know what?” He sounded hopeful.
“Sometimes you scare me.”
He moved closer to her and she fought the urge to slouch further into the wall. “I don’t mean to, Mel. I—I get so mad sometimes. I can’t control it. But I’ll work on it. Give me another chance, Mel, please. I promise to make it up to you.”
No, not after the last time. She couldn’t forget that.
“I don’t want to lose you, Mel. We can take a break, if that’s what you want—if you need some space.”
Space. It sounded like a good idea. She needed the space to think straight. When he was so close to her, like he was now, she couldn’t think clearly. But only an hour ago, she’d been ready to ditch him. To end it. And she’d been thinking it through ever since she’d been at home over Christmas.
Clearly, her heart knew what she needed to do. Only Matt wasn’t making it so easy for her to walk away. Maybe this was part of his game plan, part of his strategy for making her stay. She’d be silly to fall for it.
Right now, the option of agreeing to take a break sounded like a possible solution to get her out of this sorry mess. In time, she’d use that space and thinking time to slowly break things off because it was obvious he couldn’t take no for an answer. He wasn’t going to let her walk away that easily—not unless it had been his decision in the first place. And if that had been the case he’d have ditched her faster than a burning coal.
She watched him carefully, and her heart scrambled up her throat when he moved closer as though he was going to touch her lips with his.
Seeing her cold look, he stopped and took a step back. “A break it is then. We can talk when you’re ready. I’ll give you the time and space you need.”
She wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t raise his hopes, that a break for a while didn’t mean things could continue as they had, that it in no way meant she wanted things to continue. But it was useless. He wasn’t going to leave until she agreed and she’d run out of energy to fight him.
For now, it was better to keep quiet and hope that whatever it was he thought they had would slowly fizzle out for him.
Chapter 23
“At least try to enjoy tonight.” Heather stopped curling her eyelashes long enough to direct her attention to Melissa. “I plan to,” Melissa said, knowing her friend was still mad at her for letting Matt in and listening to him.
But today they weren’t going to talk about any of that. Or argue about Matt. Today was a day to celebrate.
“I don’t want you thinking about that jerk either,” Heather warned her.
Melissa nodded. “I’m not going to waste my time.” She stared at her reflection. She was going to make the most of this “break.” She’d figure out later how she was going to phase Matt slowly out of her life. She had no plans ever to go back to him—he’d come to see that in time but right now she pushed that whole mess to the back of her mind.
“We’re going to have a great time. You’re going to have a great time.” She started curling her lashes again.
Melissa ran the brush through her hair. She was determined to start the new year well and wished she’d bumped into Noah again this morning. On her lowest days, the sight of him always lifted her spirits. She‘d gone early, hung around a bit longer, had thought about sitting in the coffee shop, waiting for him while pretending not to.
And in the end she chickened out. What if after all of this he had a girlfriend? What if he had plans for tonight? She’d feel like a complete idiot.
Going to work today had been a complete waste of time anyway; there hadn’t been a soul in sight. Nadine had already left for Santa Barbara to see her parents and Melissa had spent the day reorganizing her workspace instead. She’d done an end of year clean up and hoped that she wouldn’t see Matt at any time in the course of the day.
After the drama of yesterday, there had been no question of staying in on New Year’s Eve. Not that Melissa had any choice in the matter. Heather was going to drag her out no matter what. They were meeting Finn and a group of Hea
ther’s friends downtown at Zoot before going to a house party that Finn had been going on about. She hadn’t ever met Finn and was looking forward to seeing the new guy in Heather’s sights. For now, she knew only that Heather was into him. Next month, or next week, it might be someone else.
They arrived at the bar late evening and managed to get a table to themselves. By the time she had finished her first drink the place had filled to bursting, and the shift in mood in the cold, shiny, monochrome bar soon turned hot and rowdy.
“Come on,” said Heather, tipping the last of her margarita down, “drink up—it’s going to be a long night.”
They all sat around a large rectangular table. At first it was just Heather and the other two girls whom Melissa knew. Things were okay until Finn turned up. Of medium height, and with dirty blond, disheveled hair, he wore his low-slung jeans as a statement. After Heather introduced her as “the Melissa I was telling you about,” he gave her a smile that made her notice the dimple on his chin, and after that, he and Heather got busy getting close.
Once again Melissa was reduced to gooseberry status and was promptly reminded of her single days. She twisted her hair around her finger, for want of having something to do, and then flicked her hair back over her shoulder.
It was getting louder inside, the music almost drowned out by the ever rowdy crowd. She felt disjointed from the crowd, and alone, even in a place fit to bursting with people. Every now and then Heather checked to see if she was all right, and each time Melissa assured her. Then she’d turn her attention back to Finn.
“Are you coming to the party afterwards?” asked Finn, the one time that she was forced to talk to him, when Heather had vanished into the washroom. The way he asked her had her thinking that maybe he didn’t want her going around with them. She shrugged a “who knows” and buried her mouth in her drink.
Now she felt too acutely aware of being a burden and thoughts of self-pity returned. Heather came back, checked on her and then turned to Finn.
Left on the edges of no man’s land, Melissa eyed her friend and Finn for a moment. Together they looked like a pair of gorgeous blond-haired singers from an upcoming band. Both attractive in a head-turning way. She watched them talk and laugh, she saw that they shared little jokes, laughed at little things. He watched her, she watched him, with smiles on their faces, at the smallest of things. At times like this she often found herself analyzing her relationship with Matt, and she didn’t recall ever having any of those telltale moments with him.
She wondered whether Heather and Finn were together, whether they cared about one another or if their being together was purely a casual fling. Maybe Heather intentionally kept it vague because she wasn’t so sure herself which way things were going.
While Heather and Finn tickled tongues, Melissa made small talk with the other girls, and when that conversation petered out she scanned her gaze around the bar, so as to have something to do.
And that’s when she saw him.
Sitting around a similar sized table with a large group of people she assumed were his friends.
He stared straight at her, sending an arrow of excitement through her heart, kickstarting it. She jolted to attention.
Finally, they were somewhere other than the coffee shop. A sweet buzz of anticipation put a smile on her face as she pondered the possibilities of their meeting.
He acknowledged her with a subtle nod of his head, and she wondered if he felt the same level of excitement she did. A quick glance at the people around him gave her a rough ratio of guys to girls. They were almost equal in number, which to her anxious mind already signified that they’d come in couples.
To her skewed way of thinking, the chances were high that he had come with his girlfriend. All this time, during which they had shared furtive glances, chance meetings, conversations laced with expectation, the idea that he might not be single had peeped at her, but she’d chosen not to stare it in the face.
She was one to talk.
What would he think if he knew about her and Matt? She might be on a break from him now, but she’d been with him all those times she’d been looking out for Noah.
More friends turned up then, and she turned her head away from Noah to greet them before moving up to make way for them. When she turned back to Noah he was deep in conversation with his own friends.
Disappointed, she turned to her own group, but every now and then her glance moved from the conversation around her and fell upon Noah’s group. “What time are we going to this party?” she asked Heather who put her fingers to her ear.
She shouted louder, “What time are we going to the party?”
Heather whispered something to Finn, who sat sandwiched between the two of them and he bent down to her and relayed the answer. “Eleven maybe? Heather wants to be at the party when it strikes midnight.” Melissa nodded her head at her friend.
“We’re getting more drinks—you in?” asked Finn—and she nodded. They’d all slipped him some bills.
“Same again?” asked Heather as she and Finn got up. Melissa nodded, and gave her contribution. She watched her friends as they trailed up to the bar area, now dense with the throb of people jostling to place orders.
Out of habit she pulled out her cell and checked through the messages she’d accumulated. In a few hours time the mobile network would be slammed with millions of happy New Year texts and she wouldn’t get any reception then at all.
The color drained from her face as an image of herself dressed in nothing but her underwear stared back at her. She almost dropped the phone. The message with it said:
Missing you badly
She quickly deleted it, grinding her teeth and wondering how to penetrate that thick skull of his. It worried her, the photos he had of her. She tried to think how many he’d taken and whether he had any of her wearing even less. With her heart pounding like a steam train, she forced herself to get up and go to the washroom. She couldn’t sit here calmly when she was a splintered wreck inside.
But as she approached the door to the ladies washroom, Noah stood waiting for her.
Chapter 24
Brown eyes, soft mouth upturned, met her. He stood directly outside the door to the washroom, as if he didn’t want to miss her walking past.
She coasted up to him.
“Imagine running into you here,” he said.
“Imagine.” All thoughts of visiting the washroom vanished.
“It’s great to see you, Melissa.”
“Likewise,” she replied. If the way her heartbeat was anything to go by, it was more than great. “Are you here with your friends?” She turned and looked over his shoulder, to where his friends sat.
He nodded, his gaze not wavering from her face. “The guy in the blue sweatshirt is my friend, Paul, and the others are friends, people he works with and some I work with.” So far he hadn’t mentioned anything about a girlfriend and things were looking good. Especially if the way he was looking at her so intensely was anything to go by. “Those are your friends?” He nodded his head, indicating the table where she’d been sitting.
“That’s my roommate, the one with the long blonde hair, with her ‘friend.’” She looked over to where her group sat.
They both looked at Heather and Finn who seemed to share a private joke between themselves while Heather’s other friends sat side by side, both busy on their cell phones.
“Her ‘friend’?” Noah offered.
“I’m not sure what his status is,” Melissa confessed.
“They look pretty close from where I’m standing,” he agreed. In the silence that followed she wondered whether his thoughts were preoccupied with her status.
People’s chattering grew even louder, like a low and lazy lion’s roar echoing around the bar. With it being New Year’s Eve, an undercurrent of heightened excitement poured into the air, and dizzy anticipation swept the room, spreading over the smiling, happy people sitting in tight groups. It would stay for the next few hours right
up until the anticlimax of just after midnight.
There was no way she was going back to her table. Not now. Unless Noah left her and headed back to his. But for now they stood, secretly appraising one another.
He showed no willingness to return to his friends, so she made a stand. “Let me grab my drink.” She rushed off before he had a chance to respond. Creeping up to her table, she was relieved to find Heather turned towards Finn, the two of them deep in conversation. Either that, or they had their lips locked again. Melissa didn’t dare attract their attention. She snatched her drink and legged it back to Noah.
Thankfully, he was still there.
He raised his eyebrows. “I think your friends are trying to get your attention.”
She turned around and saw Heather’s wave. Beside her, Finn gave a thumbs up. Melissa blushed and turned back. “They’re being silly,” she offered, by way of explanation.
“Did you come alone?” he asked.
“With my friends.”
He smiled and something tickled her heart: the idea of possibility.
Is that what he meant? He was getting straight to the point.
“Just me…playing gooseberry to Heather and Finn.” In case he needed for her to spell it out.
“I’d say their status probably moved up a level to good friends,” Noah said.
“You do that with your good friends?” Melissa asked.
“With special friends only.”
“Did you come here with your special friend?” she asked, driven by pure curiosity.
He shook his head. “I don’t have a special friend.”
She couldn’t help but smile at that lovely answer. But she still wished she had the gift of being psychic. Did he like her? A little at least? Some, or a lot?
Close by, a couple left their table and Noah moved toward it. “Do you want to sit down?”
In answer, she joined him at the table, a glance over her shoulder confirming the heat of what she felt: Heather eyeballed her.
“It’s strange bumping into you here.” He sat down and placed his almost empty beer bottle on the table.