He held her the same—without reserve, as though he really did love her. His heart beat a soothing tempo against her cheek. “You’ll go with me? To talk with the sheriff?”
“I will. He may want to speak with you alone, but I’ll wait right there.”
She raised her face to his. “Thank you. For everything.”
“I don’t want your thanks.”
“You have them anyway.” His lips were mere inches away. She wanted to feel them on hers again. She needed the assurance and the gratification. She stood on tiptoe, slid her hand against the back of his neck and their mouths met.
Sensing his hesitation, she pulled him closer, angled their noses and showed him she wanted this. He returned the kiss cautiously. Was he thinking of what had happened to her? Was he disgusted? The love she held for him was new and different and consuming. She wished she could be the wife he deserved, someone pure and worthy.
She ended the kiss and rested against his strength a moment longer, gaining courage. At last she pulled away. “All right then. Let’s go.”
The sheriff couldn’t have been more polite or accommodating. He seemed as disconcerted as Ellie to have to discuss the situation that had occurred the night before. She told him about Winston cornering her in the tailor’s shop and his eyebrows shot up. “Did anyone see you there?”
“The shopkeeper returned and asked me if I was all right. I was too embarrassed to tell him what had happened, so I just ran home.”
“Which shop was it?”
“A tailor’s. I didn’t look at the sign. I had just left Swensen’s Grocery and when…that man…approached me on the boardwalk I ran into the nearest building.”
“That would be Mr. Rentchler’s. I’ll pay him a visit. Glad you remembered that. What did Parker say to you in the tailor’s shop?”
Ellie told him Winston had asked her to meet him in a secluded spot. Of course she hadn’t gone, and when she hadn’t, he had shown up at their house.
“Benjamin told me what happened to him. What happened when you came downstairs and found Parker in the kitchen?”
She finished with her story, and the sheriff ushered Caleb back into the room.
“I’m sorry you had to go through this, Mrs. Chaney,” the sheriff said. “From what the three of you have told me, I’d say you and your brother were just protecting yourselves. Parker had a history of complaints from females. I’ll see what Mr. Rentchler has to say and we’ll put this to rest.”
Caleb shook his hand, then Ellie thanked the sheriff and they left his office. Relief swept over Ellie. Benjamin wasn’t going to be blamed for Winston’s death.
She made it a point to talk to her brother privately over the next few nights, and she had a feeling Caleb was doing the same. Late one evening, she found Benjamin sitting out on the back stairs.
Ellie seated herself beside him. “Whatcha doing?”
“Lookin’ at the stars.”
The night was cool and Ellie had pulled on a shawl. She gathered the fabric around her shoulders and gazed up at the sky. “There sure are a lot of them.”
“Do you think there’s a heaven, Ellie?”
She sighed thoughtfully. “After going to church with Caleb, and knowing him and his family, I just got around to believing there’s a God. Heaven is something I’ll have to think on. Why are you wondering about that?”
“’Cause I wonder where our mother is. And Winston. People like them wouldn’t go up to heaven, would they?”
“I don’t have to decide that. That stuff is up to God, I guess.”
“I guess. That preacher man talks a lot about forgiveness, don’t he?”
She nodded.
“Do you forgive me, Ellie?”
She turned toward him. “For what?”
“For not being able to help you that time. You know.”
“I told you, Ben, you were a just a boy. There was nothing you could have done.”
“Maybe there was something.”
“There was nothing. You are not to blame for anything. You have to forget it. Put it behind you and enjoy our life now.”
“Is that what you’re doin’, Ellie?”
The twinkling stars seemed close enough to touch, impossibly clear and bright. “Yes,” she said, as though wishing on one, wanting to believe it was the truth.
“Well, if you can do it, I guess I can.”
“You can.”
Ben stood. “I’m gonna black my shoes for tomorrow.”
She scooted aside so he could slip into the house.
Hating others wasn’t healthy—a person had to forgive. That was what Reverend Beecher had said. But what about hating yourself? Ellie had lived with her self-disgust and recriminations for so long, she didn’t know how to let them go. She’d been as much of a child as Ben had been, but she’d always wondered if she could have done anything differently.
She told him to let go and enjoy his life now, but she hadn’t let go. How could she? How could she forget something that had shaped her life? Maybe she’d never forget.
But she could stop blaming herself. Put it behind her and live in this moment. Enjoy this new world that had been given to her like a gift.
Her gaze raked the star-studded skies. A gift from heaven?
She had a past, but she didn’t have to dwell in it. She saw how important it was for Ben to believe that. It was equally important for her.
If Caleb could still love her, even though he knew, then she could certainly stop hating herself. She wasn’t foolish enough to believe she could blot it all out immediately as if it had never happened. But she was going to place it in her past and move on.
Ellie steepled her fingers beneath her chin thoughtfully. One cloud remained in the nearly clear sky of her future. If this was going to be a real marriage, she had to be honest with Caleb in all things from now on. The truth was that she wanted him. The truth was that she wasn’t sure of his feelings about what had happened to her. And the truth was that she had no control over the terror that came over her when she tried to give herself to him.
Was she brave enough to tell him all that?
Regarding the death of Winston Parker, Sheriff Fox sent word to Caleb that Benjamin had acted in self-defense and that no charges would be laid.
Caleb told Ellie the news over supper one evening.
Flynn, who’d been told of the incident in the simplest of terms, piped up. “The kids at school called Benjamin a hero.”
“Well, he is a hero,” Caleb replied.
Ben flushed and ate a slice of Ellie’s apple pie.
“Guess who came to see me today?” Caleb asked.
Ellie picked a slice of cinnamony apple from Nate’s bib and fed it to him. “I don’t know.”
“Mabel Connely.”
“Is she ill this time?”
“She’s decided to listen to my advice and follow my suggested diet.”
“Oh, my goodness! Your reputation has convinced her you know what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t know if it’s that or the fact that her niece is getting married next spring and has asked Mabel to be in her wedding. Seems her own mother is dead. Mabel wants to fit into the dress she wore to her sister’s wedding.”
“Is that possible?”
Caleb grinned. “Anything is possible. But the dress she wore then would still hold two of you, so she doesn’t have to lose that much to fit into it.”
Ellie laughed. “Well, that is good news. You were concerned about her.”
He wiped his lips and laid down his napkin. “That I was. Do you boys have schoolwork?”
“Yup.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Help Ellie clear the table, so you can get to it.”
They jumped up to obey.
Caleb took Nate outside while Ellie did the dishes. Finished, she found him on the front porch. The sun had gone down and fireflies dotted the yard.
“Is he about ready for bed?”
“I think so.�
��
“I’ll help you.” Caleb got him a bottle of milk and fed him. Ellie changed him and placed him in his cradle. He snuggled down with a sleepy smile.
“Was your wife very beautiful?” Ellie asked as she studied the baby.
“She was lovely,” Caleb replied. “She had fair hair and blue eyes.”
“Like Nate’s.”
“Yes.”
“Do you miss her terribly?”
An odd expression crossed his face. “I felt terrible about her death. I regretted that I couldn’t save her, but I knew in my heart that no one could have. It was just one of those things.”
He hadn’t answered her question, but she waited.
“I loved her,” he said. “I thought we could be happy together. But I never made her happy. She wanted to live in the East where there were more exciting things to do. She loved the parties and the theater and the whole social whirl. She never forgave me for setting up my practice here in Newton. She’d hoped to get away from here.”
“Maybe she wanted to get away from her father.”
Caleb’s expression showed the thought was a new one. “Maybe she did. Her mother died the year before we were married, but she never had anything bad to say about her father.”
“Do you think he…?”
“What?”
“Is it possible her father…” Ellie couldn’t make herself ask it.
Caleb understood, however. “I don’t believe so. She was a virgin on our wedding night.”
Ellie flushed with shame and embarrassment. “I’m sorry I asked. Most people would never think of something so awful.”
“You couldn’t help but wonder. It’s okay.”
It would do no good to regret her lack of virginity. If Ellie was going to accept herself the way she was, Caleb would have to, as well. “Caleb. Do you have any…I mean is the idea of making love to me spoiled by what you know?”
Nate had fallen asleep and they were speaking in low tones. Caleb took her hand and led her to sit on the foot of the bed beside him. “Ellie, it makes me sick to know what he did to you. I hurt for your pain and for the child that you were. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about you…or the way I want you. You had no choice. You are still innocent.”
“I’ve begun to believe that, too,” she said. “Caleb, you truly don’t get disgusted when you think of me like that?”
He touched her cheek. “No, I don’t. How can you even wonder?”
“Because I thought it of myself for so long. But having you love me has changed the way I feel. I can see myself through your eyes now, and I don’t have to hate the person I see.”
“I love you, Ellie.”
“Caleb.” The time for honesty was long overdue. “I love you.”
He smiled, a smile that touched her heart. He was glad.
“And I want you. I don’t want us to sleep apart. But I’m so afraid of what happened the last time we tried. I have no control over that.”
“You have nothing to be afraid of. That time I didn’t know what had happened to you. Now I do. I won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable…and we can talk about it. But I can wait, Ellie. Until you’re ready.”
How would she know when she was ready unless she tried?
“Why don’t we give Nate his own room?” Caleb suggested. “You and I can share a bed. I want to have you close. If you don’t feel comfortable with more, we’ll be patient. There’s no hurry.”
His words set her mind at ease. And she wanted to be near him so badly. The night he’d stayed with her had shown her how much she craved the closeness. “All right,” she agreed eagerly. “Which room?”
“We’ll give Nate your room. Tomorrow you can bring your things in here. But for tonight we’ll sleep in your bed. If that’s okay with you.”
She nodded and they went downstairs to send the boys up and lock the house. Ellie carried water up and washed. She’d just slipped into her nightgown when Caleb tapped on the door and entered.
She gave him a welcoming smile.
In the lamplight he removed his shirt and she didn’t look away. He washed his face, chest and arms, then turned and cocked his head questioningly. “Want the light off?”
“No.”
He unbuttoned his trousers and removed them, tossing them over the back of a chair. He wore his knee-length drawers, just like Ben’s. She smiled. “You sleep in those?”
“Not usually.”
“Are you uncomfortable taking them off?”
“I thought it might make you uncomfortable.”
“Not yet.”
With a grin, he pulled them off, then moved to turn the wick down.
Ellie enjoyed the view of his backside. “No. Don’t turn it out.”
He paused, obeying, then turned and got into bed beside her, giving her only a glimpse of the rest of his mysteriously sleek and long-limbed body. He leaned back against the pillows and raised an arm over his head.
Ellie studied him, the smooth skin of his muscled arms, the dusting of hair that covered his chest and arrowed downward. Her gaze stopped at the sheet at his waist. Her attention traveled to his eyes: warm, brown, loving.
Caleb didn’t see fear in her eyes. That fact pleased him more than anything. He had hoped to earn her trust. He’d done everything he knew how to show her he meant her no harm and that he only desired to express his love.
By understanding her fears, he could set them to rest. He had made it clear that he didn’t want her to do anything merely to please him. The choice had to be hers—because she wanted it. Because she loved him. Oh, Lord, that knowledge warmed his heart.
Ellie had had no choices in her life growing up. She’d had no choice over her body when Winston had forced her and given her a baby. But she had choices when it came to their marriage.
“Ellie?”
“Yes?”
He explained the methods of preventing her from having a baby as directly and as thoroughly as he knew how. She accepted the information with fascination and a few discerning questions.
“The choice would be yours, of course,” he added. “Whatever you were most comfortable with. I’d be pleased to assume the responsibility.”
She gave him one of those smiles that made his toes curl and looked at him with huge violet eyes that reached a place in his heart no one had ever touched.
She seemed perfectly comfortable talking about this and she’d been looking him over with appreciation in her expression. Ellie had to have choices. She needed to be in control of her body and her desires.
And Caleb planned to give her that control. No matter how difficult it would be for him to use restraint when he wanted her so badly, he would do it.
“You can touch me,” he said. “Any time…anywhere you like.”
She appeared to think about it. “Would you like it?”
“Yes. But we’re going to concentrate on what you like, and what’s comfortable for you.”
“You have to like it, too.”
He smiled. “I’ll let you know if I don’t like something, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.”
She propped her head on her hand, her elbow on the bed, and used her other hand to trail her fingers across his chest and over his biceps. Her fingers came back and curled into the hair on his chest.
“That feels good,” he said.
She scooted closer and leaned up to kiss him, a hesitant and uncertain brush.
“That felt good, too,” he told her.
She smiled and kissed him again, this time a little more boldly, indulging him in the sweet taste of her lips and the feel of her lush breasts flattening against his chest.
“There’s a little more to this kissing stuff that we’ve never done,” he said.
“More? Like what?”
“Like getting tongues involved.”
Her eyebrows rose in disbelief.
“You might like it,” he added.
“Show me.”
“All right. Kiss
me again.”
She did, and he ran the tip of his tongue along her lower lip until she opened to him. At first she accepted the kiss hesitantly, but then she returned it, moving closer and pressing her palm to his cheek. Her sweet innocence touched him anew.
She ran her hand down his neck, across his chest, and her touch set him on fire. With great restraint, he kept his own hands curled in loose fists, one at his side, the other at her back.
She ended the intimate kiss, but her lips lingered, almost touching his.
“Did you like it?” he asked.
“Yes. Did you?”
“Oh, yes.” It came out as a half laugh, half groan.
She leaned back and ran her palm over his chest, down his stomach, studying him in the golden glow of the lamp. “I like looking at you.”
“Go ahead.”
Her gaze moved to his hip, partially covered by the sheet, then rose to his eyes.
“Go ahead,” he said again. “Only if you want to.”
She caught her lower lip between her teeth, thoughtfully, making him want to grab her and kiss her. He concentrated on relaxing his limbs.
Her hand twitched at his hip. “I can’t.”
“You don’t have to.”
Regret filled her luminous eyes.
“But if the sheet just happened to fall away, you wouldn’t mind?” he asked.
She shook her head in agreement.
Caleb stretched, flexing one leg, and pulling the sheet downward with his foot. Ellie’s eyes widened, but she didn’t look away.
He had been aching for her since she’d leaned against him and given him that first tentative kiss; he was throbbing with arousal now, but he acted as though having this woman stare at him didn’t make him want to flip her on her back and bury himself inside her.
That was exactly what he wanted to do, but even more than that, he wanted her to learn she could trust him and that neither he nor his body was anything to be feared.
Her expression showed more wonder than fear, but he asked, “Are you thinking I could hurt you?” he asked.
“It does seem…that way.”
“It only hurts some the first time,” he told her. “Because a woman has a tiny piece of flesh that is torn. But after that it shouldn’t hurt again…unless the woman is forced. That would hurt no matter how many times she’s done it before. When she’s ready to accept the man into her body, it doesn’t hurt.”
The Doctor's Wife Page 24