by Renee Miller
“Please Dan, I tried,” Desiree’s voice broke the silence and her brown eyes filled with tears. She did this every time he had to correct her. He didn’t give a shit about her tears.
“Not hard enough. What am I supposed to think? I didn’t know where you were or who you were with. You could have been doing anything, like fucking Mike for all I know.”
“No.” She shook her head. She’d piled her hair into the same sloppy ponytail Kristina was so fond of.
The sight of it made his blood boil. He reached up, ripped the elastic out and tossed it aside. She flinched as he pulled out a chunk of hair with it. “I told you I hate your hair like that.”
“I was going to take it down when I got home.”
“Shut up—just stop with your stupid excuses. I think you’re trying to piss me off.”
She shook her head and moved around the table, as if it would stop her punishment.
He followed her, stumbling slightly. “Don’t make me chase you.”
She stopped and brought her hands to her chest. Kristina would have stood there without a word and taken what she deserved. Desiree would learn, but he was sick of having to teach her the same thing repeatedly. The problem with trying to teach anything to an airhead is they learn about as fast as a retarded dog, and their memories were as short. Kristina rarely had to be told twice, and never more than that.
Desiree’s boss, Mike Connors, always had his eye on her. He gave Desiree special treatment, and made her stay late so he could try to get her into bed. Desiree encouraged him. Daniel had seen it himself. She batted her eyes and swung her ass, inviting Mike to look at her. Sickening.
“Who was it? Was it Mike?”
“No, Mike has a girlfriend. He—”
The slap echoed in the stillness of the apartment. Desiree gasped, holding her face.
Daniel grabbed her hair and dragged her toward the hall. “Don’t lie to me. I see I need to remind you of a few things. I wish you’d stop making me do this.”
“Please Dan, not like this. I love you. I don’t want to do this with you angry at me.”
“Shut up.”
Desiree’s body shook with sobs and he shoved her through the bedroom door. She stumbled and fell against the dresser. Tears streamed down her cheeks but she choked down the whimpers allowing only a couple of sniffles out.
“Get your clothes off. I bet Mike can’t make you scream like I can.” He unbuckled his belt as he spoke.
“Dan—”
“Do it!”
Her hand flew to her blouse. With trembling fingers, she undid the tiny buttons and slipped it off her shoulders. Daniel smiled. She stepped out of her skirt but he shook his head when she reached for her stockings. “Leave them.”
She stood before him, her body tense, and he sighed. She knew what came next, but every time he had to remind her.
“Get on the bed.”
“I don’t want you mad at me. Can’t we talk about this?”
Daniel grabbed her arm and dragged her to the bed, shoving her onto her stomach. She cried softly as he stood over her. His mind clouded, Desiree’s blond head blurred and he thought of Kristina. He wished it was her lying there. Someday it would be.
***
Daniel sat on the balcony in the dark, phone in his hand. Desiree was inside, crying herself to sleep. He hated how she made him do this to her. She knew there were rules. He only asked her to respect them and do as told. Fuck, he shouldn’t feel guilty for her tears. He needed to get Kristina back. His life would have some normalcy then. He’d have to give her enough time to realize their divorce was a mistake.
Daniel didn’t want to waste his time fixing Desiree when he already had a woman who knew what he liked and what he needed. Desiree was fine on the side, but living with her day in and day out wore on his nerves. Staring at the phone in his hand, he frowned. He’d been too patient with Kristina, it was time to turn up the heat and get his wife back.
CHAPTER 4
The alarm clock’s buzz shocked Kristina awake. She reached for the nightstand. After fumbling for the snooze button, she rolled over. Cadence lay next to her, blue eyes wide, also startled by the noise, then she offered a dimpled grin and reached out to yank Kristina’s hair.
“Well thank you.” Pulling a slobbery fist away and picking out the bits of hair she managed to keep, Kristina tickled her daughter’s belly. “Let’s get you ready for Nana.”
She rolled off the bed and leaned down to pick up Cadence.
She squirmed and wriggled trying to escape her mother’s grasp.
Kristina sighed at the wet spot on the sheet; Cadence’s diaper had leaked. Warm moisture seeped through her shirt. Cadence bounced in her arms, as though pleased with herself.
“Yeah, you got me,” Kristina grumbled and walked to the door.
She tripped over the doorstop, as she did every morning in semi-darkness, and bit her tongue to choke a curse. “Mornings are for the birds and lunatics. Since you aren’t a bird, dear daughter, I’m afraid you’re one of the lunatics.”
Cadence stared, chewing on her fist.
Kristina carried her to the small room adjacent to her own. She laid the baby on the change table and peeled off her sodden pajamas, then reached down to the shelf below to feel around for clean clothes and diapers. Balancing the naked baby in one arm, Kristina carted her into the bathroom for a bath before dressing her, and then carried a dry Cadence downstairs. She leaned across the end table near the living room’s door to switch on the light before dragging the pink and yellow swing out of the corner near the couch and set the baby in its seat. Cadence’s eyes lit up as she spied the spinning ball on top. She gurgled happily.
Yawning, Kristina turned toward the kitchen and paused at the blinking light on the answering machine. She didn’t remember hearing the phone ringing, but she’d been tired. Daniel. She pressed a button, waited, and regretted it as soon as his first words issued from the tiny speaker.
“Kris, pick up the phone,” Daniel’s voice sounded hoarse, as though he’d been crying.
Her chest tightened.
“Please, I need you. I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I can make it up. We can fix this, baby, I know we can. I feel like I’m falling apart,” Daniel’s voice broke. He sobbed.
Kristina covered her mouth and took a breath. She couldn’t stand hearing his pain, no matter what he did to her. She could handle angry Daniel, but this she didn’t know how to ignore.
“I love you so much and I’m miserable without you. I’d rather die than never hold you again. Do you hear me, Kris? I’d rather die. Why do you hate me so much? I only tried to love you.” A choking sound and the line went dead.
Kristina stared at the machine, her body trembling. Why did he do this? One minute he hurled insults and punches, and the next he was pouring his heart out and begging her to understand his messed up head. She’d tried, God how she’d tried, but Kristina couldn’t fathom how someone who loved you could even think about hurting you. She knew he had issues, that he’d been damaged long before he met her, but should she and Cadence pay for her mistakes forever? She reached out to press the delete button.
***
Jackie’s blue Taurus pulled into the gas station an hour late, leaving Kristina only thirty minutes to balance her till, close out her cash and get to the store. She wouldn’t have time to run home and see Cadence.
“I’m so sorry,” Jackie called as she ran to the booth. “Tim didn’t get off work until just now, and I had no sitter.”
Kristina smiled and finished recording the balances from the pumps. Though the sky dulled from a brilliant blue to a hazy grey, the air remained humid. Jackie wore short denim cutoffs and a pink tank top. She’d pulled her blond hair into a ponytail and applied way too much makeup, which was likely what made her late, not her husband. Jackie had only worked at the gas station for a month and half the time she arrived late. Kristina hadn’t told their boss. It wasn’t as if Jackie did it because she was lazy. She j
ust couldn’t get her shit together.
“You want me to do your cash?” Jackie asked, joining her at the gas pumps.
“No, I’ve almost got everything done. I’ve just got to count it and put it in the safe.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay; I’m just going to work again anyway.” Kristina closed the clipboard and entered the small store next to the pumps. She cleared Jackie’s purse and her book off the desk.
If she worked nights at the station, Kristina could relax while reading about how the warrior won the heart of the fair maiden too. Fairy tales, love transcending everything bad in the world like they claimed in those books didn’t exist in the real world.
Her mind replayed Daniel’s message and her chest tightened. It would be so easy to give up and go back. But he would never change. She was tired of fighting and he’d never stop.
After counting the cash, she made entries in the ledger under the desk and then stuffed it in the small safe behind her.
Outside, Jackie leaned into the window of a red Chevy.
Kristina shook her head and reached to her right, next to the door, to switch on the pod lights that lit up the pumps.
Jackie glanced back and waved, then turned to the man in the truck. She ran a finger along the driver’s door, tilting her head and laughing at something he said.
The Chevy had been through nearly every night Jackie worked, yet never when Kristina worked alone. She hoped Tim didn’t catch on, or Jackie would have some explaining to do. She couldn’t imagine anyone worth lying for. Love wasn’t about sneaking around. Passion and lust could be good reasons for acting like a fool when you had the excuse of being young and stupid. But not love. If you loved someone, you didn’t hide it. In Jackie’s case, a divorce would be logical, but Kristina doubted the guy in the truck inspired feelings of love for Jackie.
She opened the door and stepped down to the curb. What did she know about love? Only that it hurt. Kristina didn’t recall ever being passionate about anything to the point of obsession. Once a long time ago, she’d thought she was passionate about art. She sketched and dabbled in watercolors, but after marrying Daniel she’d given it up. He didn’t like her doing anything that took her attention from him and his needs. As she crossed the street Kristina marveled at how totally brainwashed she’d been, before heading toward the second job of the day.
***
Glancing up at the big clock on the wall above the cash register, Kristina sighed. Eleven o’clock. Almost done.
It had been busy all night, the floor now covered in mud from the rain that fell early in the afternoon. They were supposed to mop the back and front sections of the store before leaving and John, who had worked the previous shift, hadn’t bothered. He never cleaned but she’d hardly go around correcting the boss. Earlier in her shift Kristina had cursed him silently as she cleaned up the milk crates strewn everywhere and the empty pop cases stacked against the cooler door. She’d had a full two hours of cleaning at the beginning of her shift and now she’d have to do it all again. At least the work kept her mind from straying to darker thoughts.
Although she’d sat on pins and needles all day expecting Daniel to call again, he hadn’t. Obviously, he didn’t miss her as much as he professed, or he’d have at least called to see if she got his message. Stuffing a pile of redeemed lottery tickets into the bin under the cash register Kristina snorted at the thought. Knowing Daniel, he’d been drunk and didn’t remember the call.
She walked to the storeroom to the left of the counter and pulled the yellow mop bucket from behind the door. It tipped. Murky water left from last night’s shift sloshed over the cement floor and under the metal shelves that ran the length of the narrow room. Cursing, she righted it and grabbed the mop from its spot against the wall, attempting to catch most of the water before it was lost forever behind the shelves. The smell of the storeroom was bad enough without adding dampness and mold to it. John, her boss, smoked like a chimney too, so the smell of stale cigarettes and rotting food burned her nose every time she entered the room.
She set the mop against the wall and dragged the bucket to the door, careful to lift it over the step to the opposite side of the counter where the bathroom and a big sink sat. It would have made more sense to keep the bucket next to the sink, but John said it took too much room. If he actually used the bucket, he might see things differently. The bell over the door jingled as she upended the water over the sink. Kristina set the bucket down and stepped out from the small room.
Wade Bowen, a friend of her dad’s, stood at the counter in his usual black t-shirt and jeans, both fitting his body like a glove. His presence always triggered a jittery feeling in her stomach. Silly. It’s not as though she’d ever entertained anything more than a passing acquaintance with him and he definitely never hinted at anything inappropriate.
He smiled. Dark eyes sparkled with mischief, and her heart fluttered. No matter how engaging Wade’s smile might be, a darkness around him set her on edge. Kristina kept a safe distance from Wade and his wife, Amy. Everyone knew Wade was the man to go to if one needed anything not available through legal channels. He’d even killed men, so the gossip went, but she doubted there was much truth to most of those tales. Wade may have done some dishonest things, and she could imagine him roughing someone up a little, but never murder. Wade and her dad had been friends since she was twelve years old. Her dad wouldn’t be friends with a killer.
Still, her breath quickened at the sight of him. Maybe it was because he always looked at her as though stripping away the outer layers of her being to reveal her soul and the secrets she hid from the world. What girl wouldn’t like having someone look at them the way Wade did?
He leaned on the counter, his elbow brushing the lottery ticket display, causing a couple to shift out of their slots. His smile deepened.
Her cheeks burned.
“And how is Kristina?”
“Okay, I guess. And you?”
“Couldn’t be better. How’s Cadence? She must be growing like a weed.”
Kristina laughed. The few times Wade had seen Cadence, he’d scooped the baby up as though it were perfectly natural for a six foot four giant with tattoos on his arms and a scarred jaw to cradle a cooing infant.
Averting her gaze, she focused on an imaginary speck of dirt on the counter. She could never look into his eyes for long. “I can barely keep her in clothes. How’s Amy? She was talking about going back to school the last time I saw her.”
His silence forced Kristina to glance up.
He frowned and shook his head. “No, she never bothered with school. She found something else to do. Rather, she found someone else to do.”
“Oh,” Kristina didn’t know what else to say.
“It’s okay. Except for the paperwork, we’re as good as divorced. Maybe someday it’ll be official.”
“I guess.” Kristina said. Amy had always been nice, but she ran around on Wade. Everyone knew about it. Most people in town were astonished he let her get away with it. Kristina’s dad said he had no choice; Amy had too much on him. If he left her, she’d rat him out and he’d do serious jail time. She couldn’t imagine why Amy would want to stay if she didn’t want Wade anymore, but then Kristina wasn’t a good judge of relationships. She’d definitely failed on that front.
“How many jobs do you have anyway? I saw you last week at the gas station. Your dad said you still work weekends at Maude’s. I haven’t had their bacon and eggs in a while, I should stop by soon. Maybe my favorite waitress will be on,” as he spoke, Wade fiddled with the lock on the ticket box.
“I have three, but only this one is full time. I only work three days at the Petro and the breakfast shift on Saturday and Sunday at Maude’s.”
“Is that all?” Wade tilted his head, then reached across the counter and brushed her bangs from her eyes.
She wasn’t sure how to handle the intimate gesture so she did nothing.
“What if you didn�
��t have to work every day and night?” he asked, and lowered his hand.
“I’d have to win the lottery, unless you know something I don’t. Is there a money tree hidden away somewhere?”
“Doesn’t he help you out?”
“Who?”
“The asshole you just divorced.”
“Oh—Daniel. He let me have the house, so I don’t have to worry about rent. He’s pretty strapped right now since he’s paying the taxes and the mortgage on the house, so I don’t bother him about the child support. He’ll help when he can.”
A lump formed in her throat at Wade’s snort. Her dad had the same reaction when she tried to defend Daniel. Excusing his actions was a habit. “He’s not entirely bad, you know. I don’t want people to hate him.”
Wade’s face reddened. He tapped the counter with his keys, staring.
The thought of having angered him confused her. Why did he care whether she made excuses for Daniel? He barely knew him. Why was he there anyway? Did he plan to buy something?
“I won’t bother telling you what I think of Daniel. You’ve got enough on your plate without my lecture.” He stood and put his hands in his pockets.
Kristina’s gaze traveled to his jeans, horrified when heat spread from her stomach down to her thighs, to areas it had no right warming up. Embarrassed, she looked away, her cheeks on fire. Obviously, the stress of the past few months wreaked havoc on her senses. Wade was at least fifteen years older, and not someone she should even consider thinking of that way. She risked a glance at his face. He smiled, furthering her humiliation. His eyes darkened just a little and Kristina cursed herself for being such a child. Damn, she wished she didn’t wear her thoughts on her face for everyone to read.