by M. Sembera
Saving myself further pain and anguish, I smiled saying, “I think I should go to bed now.”
Every muscle in my body was rebelling as I got out of bed. Walking to my dresser, I opened the drawer and pulled out a pair of pajamas. Swiftly pulling them on, I walked back to the side of the bed.
I sat down facing Hert.
“This is truly the best present I have ever gotten. Thank you,” I appreciated.
Gently placing his hand on my arm, Hert offered, “You don’t have to go.”
With a sigh, I informed, “Yea, I do.”
Slowly getting up, I made my way out of his room. On the verge of tears when I walked into Sophia’s, my heart was aching.
Chapter 5
I woke in the morning to find, I had slept much later than planned. With a slight headache, I made my way into Hert’s room to grab my clothes and some aspirin. Showering helped a little so I headed downstairs. In the kitchen Hert was sitting at the table. I walked to the refrigerator, poured myself a glass of water, took my aspirin and sat down at the table. Finding it difficult to look at him appropriately, I smiled without direct eye contact.
“I hope you don’t mind, I called Mrs. Thomas and asked if Sophia could stay another night,” Hert stated.
Staring at my water, I said, “I don’t mind but aren’t you going back to work tomorrow?”
His voice was cautious as he said, “I think I’m going to work from the house this week and go back next Monday, if that’s okay with you.”
Slightly nodding, I answered, “I don’t mind, it’s your house too.”
I could hear the anticipation in his voice as he offered, “I thought that maybe since you had to suffer through last night…” I quickly looked up at him as he nervously clarified, “The Society Banquet,” before he continued to say, “That you might like to have dinner with me or something, for your birthday.”
It took me a little bit to decide how to answer. Deciding on a friendship type situation, I thought it best to stay here.
“Dinner sounds good but I don’t want to go anywhere,” I informed.
Trying to be accommodating, Hert suggested, “Okay, then we can order in. What else would you like to do?”
Smiling, I said, “I don’t know. There’s really nothing to do. Unless, you wanna watch a movie.”
“It’s whatever you want to do,” Hert replied, getting up from the table, adding, “I’m going to take a shower and shave,” as he walked out.
Horrified at the thought, I shouted, “Why!?”
Hert quickly turned around standing in the doorway.
He crossed his arms and smiled wide. In an instant I knew he’d figured me out and was going to take the opportunity to mess with me. However, I decided to fight for his beard, just in case he was the slightest bit serious.
“I can’t take a shower?” he asked with a smirk.
I answered, “Of course you can shower.”
Still smirking at me, he stated, “Okay, I’m going to shave and take a shower.”
Without a clue why this was truly upsetting me, I slammed my hands down on the table, shouting, “Hert, that’s not funny!”
With eyes wide, he informed, “I know it’s not. I just want to be clean and you’re getting all mad. What’s wrong with being clean and shaving?”
Jumping to my feet, I swore, “Hert stop it. I’m serious.”
“What?” He asked.
Letting him get to me, I confessed, “You know I don’t want you to shave, Hert.”
Running his hand down his face he smiled wide. I was instantly jealous of his hand.
Confirming his victory, he poked fun at me, saying, “Oh, you were talking about me shaving.”
Being a sore loser, I snapped, “You knew that’s what I was talking about.”
“You like it?” he asked.
Rolling my eyes, I stated, “Yes Hert. I like it.”
Giving me a, “Humh, good to know,” he left to go upstairs and shower.
I would have been more resentful over losing, had his beard not been the focal point of every fantasy I had, since it appeared on his face.
Cleaning up a little while Hert showered, I fought visions of what would be possible when we spent the evening together. Working hard at keeping a friendship state of mind, I would have to remember to keep a reasonable distance. I finished straightening up and realized I needed to run to The Store. Walking upstairs, I knocked on Hert’s door.
I hollered through the door, “Hey, I need to go pick up a few things, I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“Hang on a minute and I’ll go with you,” he shouted back.
Sighing, I waited for him to come out. Taking the opportunity to smile at my bracelet, I was still so happy to have it back.
Growing impatient, I knocked on the door again wondering what was taking so long. When I did, I realized I hadn’t taken my wedding ring off. Caught up in wishing I had last night, I was startled when he swung open the door.
“Oh!” I blurted.
He replied, “Sorry, I’m almost ready,” as he turned around, still buttoning up his shirt.
This was cruel and unusual punishment. After seeing him in t-shirts and pajama bottoms since his return, a glimpse of him fully dressed with slacks and a button up drove me insane.
Continuing to apologize, he explained, “Sorry I’m taking so long. I had a hard time getting my pants on over my cast.”
Convincing myself, he wasn’t torturing me on purpose, I replied, “That’s ok, are you ready?”
“Yea,” he answered, grabbing his crutch.
I couldn’t help asking, “You sure you wanna come with me?”
Hert shook his head with a confused look.
“Casually dressed, no driver, I mean this just isn’t how things are done,” I shared with a smirk.
Raising an eyebrow, he replied, “Maybe it’s time to change how things are done,” before heading downstairs.
Allowing him to go down the stairs first, I closed my eyes taking a deep breath.
We made our trip to the store and returned home. Back inside the house, I was fully irritated. The checkout girl was practically drooling over Hert, saying, ‘Wow, Mr. Herterand’ in an overly friendly tone. Fuming as I realized, I wasn’t the only one who liked his new appearance.
“Are you mad?” Hert asked.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I said, “No but did you hear that girl?” Shaking my head around and making fun of her, I said, “Oh, Mr. Herterand,” making a disgusted face.
Hert teased, “Actually she said ‘Wow’ and why do you want to be mean about the checker lady?”
Outraged he wasn’t on my side, I snapped, “She was not a lady! She was a girl and she’s lucky I’m a lady or I would have jumped across the register and kicked her ass!”
Smiling at me, Hert questioned, “Renni, Are you jealous?”
“No! I just feel she was being very inappropriate!” I stressed.
Hert laughed, saying, “And jumping across a cash register to beat some poor girl down isn’t?”
Stopping my rant for a second, I realized he was right, I was jealous.
I calmed myself slightly, saying, “Well I didn’t do that, did I? And I am not jealous.”
Making his way to the couch and sitting down, he responded, “Okay Renni, you’re not jealous,” shaking his head and laughing at me.
I finished putting things away and walked into the living room.
Standing in front of the couch, I lost my train of thought as I looked at Hert. No one could have been more of a man than he was. I found the tiny scars around his eye and down his cheek irresistible mixed with his facial hair. Clearly, he was the only real man in the world and I was stuck in some strange married but not together friendship relationship with him.
Back to my original purpose, I asked, “Do you want me to go ahead and order food? It’s already after four. It takes at least an hour for them to get out here. What do you want to eat?”
�
��I told you Renni, it’s whatever you want,” he replied.
Sighing, I stated, “Well, I don’t care. I’m not even hungry. I’m fine with just making a sandwich.”
Smiling at me, Hert said, “That’s fine with me if that’s what you want to do.”
Pleased, this was shaping up to be a bearable evening, sandwiches and television did not scream romance.
I asked, “Are you hungry now?”
Shaking his head, his eyes stayed fixed on the TV.
He didn’t seem in as good a mood as he had before. Thinking he might be sore, since today was the most active day he had since the accident, I decided to be nice.
Offering, “I’m going to put some clothes in the washer; do you want something to drink?”
Shaking his head again without a real response, I knew something was wrong.
“Does your side hurt or something?” I asked.
Hert looked at me this time, snapping, “No it doesn’t.”
Caught off guard by his attitude, I asked, “Well are you mad then? What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem Renni. Go wash your clothes or whatever you wanted to do,” he answered.
Shaking my head out of frustration with him, I turned and headed upstairs.
I picked up the basket of dirty clothes and carried them downstairs. In the laundry room, I put the clothes in the washer. The whole time, wondering what his problem was. He wasn’t the one walking a fine line between heartache and fulfillment. He wasn’t on the verge of panic attacks with every glance. He didn’t spend every night suffering with desire like I did. What could he possibly have to be unhappy about? I turned the washer on and walked back to the living room.
Sitting on the opposite end of the couch, I asked, “What do you wanna watch?”
Flinging the remote toward me, Hert replied, “I don’t care,”
Irritation set in as I snapped, “Hert! What the hell? Are you just going to be a jerk to me all night now?”
Snapping right back, he stated, “I’m not. I told you we’d do whatever you wanted. You wanna wash clothes and eat sandwiches so that’s what we’re doing.”
Throwing my hands up, I shouted, “What?”
“I was trying to do something with you,” he shouted.
Old instincts reared their ugly head as I stood up and shouted, “Sorry to make things so difficult for you! I don’t wanna put you out! For your information, I don’t need you tryin’ to do anything with me!” and stomped upstairs.
In Hert’s room, I slammed the door behind myself. Standing at my dresser, I pulled my wedding ring off and shoved it into my jewelry box before slamming the lid down. After pacing back and forth for a minute, arguing with him in my head, I threw myself onto the bed. I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. The more infuriated I became, the more I fought against the want for him to come in and calm me down. I sat straight up when his door swung open. Glaring at him, I quickly stood up.
“Sit down!” he demanded.
Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I resisted saying, “I know you don’t think you're going to order me around,” confirming, “Whatever rights you had concerning me, walked right out the door with you when you left.”
Suddenly wishing I had kept my mouth shut, I knew it was a bad idea to bring it up.
Hert stared at me. Staring back at him, I thought about what Jackson said last night and conceded.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I said, “I’m sorry,” shaking my head as I looked away.
“I’m sorry too,” Hert confessed.
Scooting farther onto the bed, I pulled my legs up and crossed them in front of myself.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this Hert,” I informed.
Making his way to the bed, he sat down. I moved back slightly, allowing him room to stretch his legs out across it.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked.
Sighing, I replied, “No I don’t. That’s part of the problem though, Hert. It doesn’t help when you try to plan evenings for us or do incredibly nice things like having my grandmother’s bracelet fixed either.”
Hert looked confused as he said, “I don’t understand.”
Taking a breath, I shared, “This is really hard for me. It’s not like before. It’s just not as easy as I thought it would be having you back here.”
Questioning me, Hert asked, “Because we aren’t together?”
Figuring I came this far I might as well tell him everything, I confessed, “Yea, but not just that. It’s everything else too. I’m trying to be your friend, but...”
With a look of concern he asked, “I never asked for a divorce, just a separation. What do you want?”
Frustrated all over again, I stood up stating, “Would you quit asking me what I want. All you’re doing is making things worse.”
Grabbing my hand before I could walk off, Hert pressed, “Renni?”
Having had enough, my will broke long enough to show him.
Placing both of my hands against his face, I pressed my lips against his. It was everything I had imagined it to be as I rubbed my hands across his bearded jaw while he kissed me back. I could feel his kiss radiating throughout my entire body. Quickly letting go and jerking back, I stared at him flustered and out of breath. I turned and rushed out of the room.
Running downstairs, I couldn’t take it anymore. Every part of me wanted to give up. Once again, it was my pride that kept me from giving in. Thinking I deserved better than uncertainty, I had to get out. I needed to go somewhere and gain some perspective. Maybe then, I could find a way to be okay with having some but not all of what I wanted. Of course, I couldn’t find my keys. Wanting to be out before Hert could make it downstairs, I frantically searched for them.
How stupid was this? I just had them. It was too late. He was in the living room. Trying to pretend like I didn’t see him, I continued my search.
“What the hell? You kiss me like that then just walk out,” he complained.
Not having time for his distracting me away from my means to escape, I offered, “Oh sorry, next time I’ll marry you, then just walk out.”
Hearing the effort in his voice as he said, “I really think we should talk about this,” I shouted, “I don’t want to talk! I just want to get the hell out of here. Unless you know where my keys are, just shut up so I can find them.”
Opening and closing every cabinet I put something away in. I already dug through my purse but just in case I dumped it out on the kitchen table.
Standing there staring at the scattered contents of my purse, I rubbed the sides of my head, trying to think. I heard Hert clear his throat and looked up.
Holding out his hand with the keys hanging from his finger, he sat down on the couch.
Shaking my head as I walked towards him, I mumbled, “Figures.”
“Leaving is not going to make things better,” he advised as I took the keys from him.
Suddenly outraged, I threw the keys as hard as I could against the wall, yelling, “Well you would know but unlike you, I was going to come back!” again stomping up the stairs.
Not wanting to go back to Hert’s room, I also avoided Sophia’s, sitting against the wall at the end of the hallway.
Trying to be calm, I saw Hert at the top of the stairs. Resting my head in my hands, I thought, ‘Please just go to your room.’ No such luck.
Making his way right to me, he asked, “What are you doing?”
Without lifting my head, I answered, “Trying to get away from you.”
His voice was sincere as he admitted, “This is hard for me too, Renni,” then dropped the keys in front of me.
Watching him step back into his room, I felt like such a hypocrite. How could I be mad at him for being the same as me? I had hurt him long before we were together. Blinded by my own selfishness, I overlooked his feelings for years. At least he left trying not to completely lose me. After all, I wasn’t blameless in that whole situation either.
/> Exhaling loudly, I got up. Slowly I walked to his door.
Giving a slight knock, I informed, “I’m not going anywhere,” through his door and proceeded downstairs.
Conflicted, I sat down on the couch. It wasn’t like having my life all screwed up was unusual, however, this was confusing. I couldn’t make sense of it. Looking up to find Hert standing beside the couch, I noticed a pained expression on his face before he sat down next to me.
Folding my legs in front of myself, I turned to him and shared, “You know, sometimes I wish things were like they used to be. I don’t know why though. None of us were happy, not really anyway.”
Hert replied, “You remember when my father and I got in that fight and I left.”
Merging my own memory with the information Ms. Herterand gave me, I said, “Yea, I snuck you in my window and my parents didn’t even know you were there for like three days. I got in a lot of trouble for that.”
He continued, saying, “You said I had to stay with you, because if I left you’d be mad at me forever.”
Nodding, I stated, “I remember.”
Feeling overly nostalgic myself, I decided to share, “Remember when, you got that first apartment, you didn’t have any furniture and we slept on the living room floor.”
Hert replied, “You stayed with me for two weeks, because you said you didn’t want me to be alone.”
Agreeing, I recalled, “I would have stayed longer but my father said he would call the police if I didn’t come home. My father always thought something was going on between us.”
Sharing again, he reminisced, “And the first time my mother went into the hospital. You were there when I got back. Remember, you said we didn’t have to talk about it but you knew I wanted you there. Even after I yelled at you and told you to leave.”
Recalling that night, I said, “Yea, you left and I was there by myself until like two in the morning.”
“You have always been there for me,” he declared.
Remembering all the difficulties he went through, I felt myself starting to cry.
Hert looked at me with complete sincerity as if he was about to own up to everything he’d ever done in his life.