by M. Sembera
“You’re not going to say anything, are you?” I asked, starting to get worried.
Shaking his head at me, he answered, “I just have to take care of something.”
Serious in tone, I urged, “I don’t want anyone other than us knowing about Salvador coming to me.”
Nodding at me, Hert walked out of the back door.
I sat down at the kitchen table and started to cry. On top of being exhausted, I was heartbroken. Jackson had obviously taken me up on my offer to bow out. It made sense and I understood but it was still very upsetting. Quickly wiping my eyes, I grabbed my plate and carried it to the sink without touching my breakfast.
“Did you forget something?” I asked hearing the back door open.
Turning, I heard Jackson say, “I don’t think so,” as he walked in.
I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad.
Smiling wide, Jackson asked, “Where is everybody?”
“Hert went to The Office and Emerson is upstairs lying down,” I replied.
Shaking my head at him, I walked out of the room.
Tears filled my eyes as I sat down on the couch. I was so glad to see him and at the same time angry with myself for being happy, he was making such a big mistake.
Jackson walked in, set his bag on the floor and questioned, “Did something happen?”
Shaking my head as he sat down next to me, I said, “I thought you decided…”
Giving me a ‘don’t be silly’ look, Jackson shared, “I went home to shower and repack my bag.”
Unable to say a word without letting the tears fall, I threw my arms around him. Hugging him tight, I felt him squeeze me back. There is really nothing like the moment you realize someone is more important to you than you ever imagined.
Pulling back, he asked, “Are you okay?”
Nodding, I replied, “You don’t have to stay here.”
With a little sigh, he informed, “I’m not leaving you here, with them, by yourself.”
His protective tone compelled me to take his hand before saying, “We need to talk.”
I stood up. Still holding his hand, I led him into the dining room.
Inside the dining room, I closed the door behind us and sat down. Glancing around the room, I thought really hard about what I was going to say. I watched Jackson take the chair next to mine and turn it facing me. Looking at the scar right above his eyebrow, I felt my heartbeat a little faster.
Taking a breath, I shook my head and started by saying, “Thank you for staying,” before leaning back and placing my hands in my lap.
“I want to talk to you before Hert and Emerson because I’m not sure how much I can trust that they’ll tell me the truth or do what I need them to if they know everything.” Jackson nodded as I continued, saying, “But I do trust you and I need you to understand that I probably won’t tell them everything I tell you. So unless I say otherwise, whatever I tell you is just between the two of us.”
With a curious expression, he asked, “Why me?”
Lightly smiling, I shared, “Because you don’t have anything at stake with this. You’re the only one that…” stopping me, Jacks informed, “That’s not true,” as he placed his hand on my knee.
As my stomach tightened, I snapped, “No you don’t.”
Appearing insulted, Jackson fussed, “So it’s not my life but it’s my friend and her daughter’s and that…” unable to let him finish, I broke in stating, “Don’t.”
Insult turned to irritation as he questioned, “Don’t what? Since when is it don’t?”
Scowling, I answered, “Since last night.”
“Because of what Hert said?” he asked.
Shaking my head, I replied, “No Jacks, because of what we almost did.”
Instantly standing up, he turned his back to me.
Taking a deep breath I thought about our close call. Wondering if he was doing the same, I stood up. Walking up behind him, I recalled how smitten I was with him.
I placed my hand on his back as he quickly turned around, saying, “We didn’t almost do anything.”
Confused, I said, “Well, I was almost going to do something.”
“Nothing remotely close to anything happening, happened,” he assured before taking a moment to shake his head at himself and say, “I mean, I didn’t even kiss you, except for your cheek.”
Shrugging, I shared, “You're right, I guess it just felt like more…to me.”
“Do you really want to do this now?” he questioned.
Confused, I asked, “Do what?”
Shaking his head at me, Jackson sat back down saying, “You don’t even realize what you’re doing.”
Shrugging, I guessed I didn’t because I was completely lost at the moment.
“Okay come here,” Jackson said before explaining, “You just stopped me from saying I care about you and Sophia then got all sad because I didn’t say how I felt last night.”
Walking over, I sat in front of him running our conversation through my head. He was right.
I admitted, “I don’t know why I did that.”
Slightly smiling at me, he shared, “You do that a lot.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized.
Narrowing his eyes with a smile, he asked, “I know how to keep things in perspective, do you?”
My stomach was wound in a tight knot as I nodded at him.
“Then tell me how you feel about me, really. Not a moment last night, how you always feel,” he urged, adding, “I swear to you, it’s not going to change anything, I just want to know.”
The knot started to loosen.
I thought about The Wren on his chest and how I forced him to reveal how personal it was. It was only fair that I pay him the same courtesy. After all, at least he was asking. Still I was hesitant of the outcome.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “I’m afraid to tell you.”
“Why?” he asked.
Shrugging, I answered, “Once I say it out loud, it makes it real then I can’t take it back.”
Giving me an unhappy look, he questioned, “Why would you want to?”
“Because, I have one goal at the moment and I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to hurt you,” I shared.
Frustrated, Jackson insisted, “I’m not delusional. I don’t imagine things different than they are and if I tell you nothing’s going to change, I mean it.”
Shrugging again, I said, “Okay,” before whispering, “I wanna be with you,” as he gave me a questioning look, I continued, “In every way.”
I watched him take a deep breath and nod.
“I just… there’s too much of everything else and there are so many things I wish were different but I can’t even feel that way anymore because I have to get through this without it being more complicated than it already is,” I explained.
He appeared sad for a moment before saying, “I know.”
My eyes filled with tears as I shook my head at him.
Thinking with more sleep, I would have handled this situation better. Hert was right, the truth is simple, it’s what comes after, that makes things complicated. I’m not sure what I wanted to happen next. All I knew was, even though he had said nothing was going to change, it hurts when you open your heart and only get a nod in return. I did not want our relationship to change but at the same time, it broke my heart. With conflicting emotions, I stood with every intention of going to bed and crying myself back to sleep. Placing his hand on my side, Jackson stood up right in front of me. My heart started beating so fast I thought I might pass out. Then suddenly, utilizing better judgment, he took a step back and held out his hand. Feeling like the friendship line just jumped up and slapped me in the face, I burst into tears. Standing in front of me looking like I felt, Jackson took a step closer. Covering my face with my hands, I heard the phone ring.
Jackson stepped out to answer the phone as I sat down at the table. Folding my arms against it, I laid my head on them and closed my
eyes. Maybe sleep was all I needed. Just as I felt myself drifting off, Jackson walked back in.
“My mom wants to know if Sophia can stay another night, Penny is there,” he asked.
Without opening my eyes, I nodded. I could hear him explaining, to his mom, why he was still at the house, if Hert was back before he hung up.
Returning to the dining room, Jackson sat down and placed his arm across my back, saying, “I don’t know what you want me to do, Ren.”
All I could think to say was, “Nothing.”
“Then why are you crying?” he asked.
Being logical for once, I replied, “Because I only slept for an hour last night.”
I felt him lightly pat my back before getting up and leaving the room.
Chapter 2
It was hard to believe I slept for three hours, sitting at the dining room table. Stiff and having a slight headache, I got up and drug myself upstairs. I washed my face, took some aspirin, brushed my teeth, and headed back down. Hert was at the kitchen table while Jackson and Emerson sat in the living room. Passing through, I asked them to come to the kitchen with me. They each sat a seat apart and I decided it was best to stand.
“I only have a month before I have to meet with Salvador. I don’t know how he found out about Sophia or even what he wants from me. Only the four of us were supposed to know,” I started, stopping to remind myself Erin, I’m sure Mr. Roberts and possibly Angelina knew too, before suggesting, “So, I guess we should talk about the next step.”
Scowling at me, Hert asked, “And what is that?”
Shrugging, I replied, “I don’t really know but I’m open to suggestions.”
With a louder than necessary tone, Hert fussed, “How am I supposed to let you handle this when you don’t even know where to start.”
Instantly furious, I snapped, “You’re not letting me do anything!”
Slamming his hands on the table, Hert yelled, “You’re right I’m not!”
“You don’t have a choice!” I informed before slamming my hands down too, saying, “You can just get over yourself, because this is my deal not yours.”
Hert’s whole disposition changed as he gave the table a little shove. Tilting my head to the side, I narrowed my eyes and pushed the table back. Shoving it towards me, harder this time, Hert glared at me. Keeping my focus on Hert, I heard Emerson and Jacks scooting their chairs back. Glaring back at him, I pushed the table as hard as I could almost knocking him out of his chair. Jackson and Emerson jumped up from the table as Hert stood up and flipped the whole table over.
Ready for a fight, I shouted, “I’m not afraid of you!”
I could tell I stung him as he gritted his teeth before saying, “I’ve never laid a hand on you.”
Without thinking, I snapped, “At this point, I would have preferred that to what you actually did!”
“Is that what you want? Is that why you’re so unhappy here?” he barked.
Stepping closer, I yelled, “I’m unhappy because you used me!”
“Good now we’re even!” he blurted.
Taking a step back, I questioned, “What?”
His eyes were fierce as he announced, “You used me because you’re too scared to be on your own.”
Even though there was some truth to that, I defended myself, saying, “It’s not the same, you knew that’s what I wanted but you lied to me.”
Softening his tone, Hert asked, “About?”
“You made me think you had always loved me, that you wanted me to be your wife and it turns out I was just some arrangement so you could get what you wanted,” I replied.
Suddenly his demeanor shifted and he proclaimed, “Why the hell else would I marry you?”
Shaking my head at him, I shrugged, suddenly wondering the same thing.
Defeated, I stated, “You’re right,” before adding, “I was never worth the fight.”
I couldn’t say anything else. We just stood there staring at each other in silence.
I had to get away from him. Heading upstairs, there was no way I was going to show any emotion other than anger towards him. I could hear Hert asking Jackson and Emerson to go outside then as Jackson argued Hert got louder.
Stopping at the top of the stairs, I heard Hert yell, “She’s still MY wife.”
“Only because she hasn’t had time to change that!” Jackson shouted back.
“Is that what you think?” Hert yelled before saying something I couldn’t make out because he had lowered his voice.
The only other thing I heard was the back door slam shut. Knowing how mean Hert could be, when properly motivated, I started to turn around. Then I saw Hert coming up the stairs.
“What did you say to Jackson?” I fussed as he got closer.
Stepping right in front of me, he looked down, saying, “I told him the truth.”
Grabbing me by the arm, Hert pulled me into his office. As he closed the door behind us, I immediately noticed that Hert had hung his clothes in the closet, neatly placed his shoes accordingly and set up his bed.
Serious in expression, he asked, “Did you sleep with Jackson while I was gone?”
I replied, “No,” with a clear conscience.
Slightly nodding, he asked, “Then why wouldn’t you come see me?”
Shaking my head at him, I questioned, “You seriously don’t know?”
“Was it Roberts? Did you sleep with him?” he asked.
“You know for someone so worried about me sleeping around, you sure did shove me and Jacks together all the time and before that it was Em,” I said before adding, “Why would you do that if you thought something would happen?”
Appearing slightly ashamed of himself, Hert shared, “They give you things I can’t.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I thought about when I left and Hert told me without Em and Jacks around, he was afraid I would decide it wasn’t him I wanted.
“Jackson makes you happy and Roberts gave you someone to talk to,” he shared.
Making a face at him, I stated, “I hope you know how truly disturbed that is.”
Drawing in a slow breath, Hert whispered, “You should have come to see me.”
Tilting my head to the side, I asked, “Is there somethin’ you wanna tell me?”
Frustrated, he fussed, “I don’t understand why you’re so unhappy with the way things are. Wasn’t it you that said we should live together after we graduated? You thought an arrangement was fine then.”
Shaking my head, I clarified, “I didn’t know I wanted more until I thought I had it with you. But you’re right and had you been honest with me when I came back here, that may have been fine.”
Shrugging off my explanation, he questioned, “How was I supposed to take that chance?”
“Because The Office is just that important,” I replied.
His face was pained as he assured, “I do love you.”
Nodding, I said, “I know you do but you’re in love with The Office and I’m in love…with something that’s impossible for me to have. At the end of the day we’re both wrong for expecting something different from each other.”
Staring down at first, he looked back into my eyes.
Hert appeared confused then with a self-assured smirk, he grabbed hold of me. Caught off guard at first, my heart started pounding in my chest. Pulling me tight against him, Hert kissed me. My mind started to go blank and all I could do was feel him. Then suddenly, reality struck and I pulled away.
“What the hell!?” I shouted at him as I turned to walk out.
With heavy breath, he pulled me back against him, saying, “That’s not what you want to do,” and started kissing down my neck.
“You don’t know what I want,” I argued, trying to free myself.
Twisting me around, he had one arm around my back and the other holding the back of my head as he insisted, “I know you.”
“Let go of me,” I shouted.
Hert let go but remained as close as possible without
touching me as he imparted, “Roberts would have kissed your ass everyday but you don’t want that. This is what you want. You wanna fight and Jackson won’t…”
Stopping him with a hard slap to his face, I couldn’t hear what he had to say anymore.
Smiling, he stated, “See,” as he grabbed me and kissed me.
With a hard shove, I pushed him back and slapped him again.
Hert questioned, “Is that all you got?” swinging me around onto the bed.
Quickly sitting up, I swung, hitting him in his already black eye. Hert raised an eyebrow and smirked. As I started to swing again, he caught my wrist and grabbing the other, pushing me onto my back.
Hert held my hands high above my head. Sitting on my legs, he had me to where I couldn’t move.
Leaning over me, he asked, “Now what are you gonna do?”
There was nothing I could do except admit he was right. He knew me. My heart was pounding and I wanted him. This is what I wanted. I wanted to fight. I wanted him. We had played this game our whole lives. Before sex was ever a thought for either of us, this was the way we were. This was us. I looked into his eyes and relaxed. Hert leaned closer to kiss me then stopped as my eyes welled up with tears.
His eyes searched mine as I whispered, “I don’t wanna be like this.”
Nodding at me, he slowly let go. Hert sat at my side staring at the floor. Teary eyed I stared at him, knowing it was over. Nothing I thought I would feel like when this moment came prepared me for this.
Our lifelong friendship tugged at my heart as I watched Hert raise his head and say, “You were always worth the fight.”
Unable to stop myself from crying, I confirmed, “So are you.”
It took him awhile to speak again.
Clearing his throat, Hert asked, “What do you need me to do?”
I wiped my eyes, saying, “Just go to work every day like normal, don’t say anything to anybody right now and if I have a question, please answer it.”
“You have my file,” he reminded.
Nodding, I said, “Yea, but I’m not going to read it.”
Giving me a curious expression, he shook his head.
“I already know all I need to know about you Mr. Herterand,” I explained with a slight smile.
A light smile crossed his face.