by Den Warren
Milton said, “Aren’t you worried that they will come here?”
“Duh, yeah, I want them to deliver it.”
“Wha . . . No, not the pizza, the smurfs!”
“Let ‘em come! I’ll fix ‘em good!”
“I guess there are all kinds of crazy.” Milton shook his head and walked away.
Chapter 34
Near Keene, Homeland
Andy, now an ownerless android, was out on the open road far from Boston, looking for his best option to travel to while evading the Homeland Police so he could re-engage in the Lucid effort for truth. He was now in a less populated area as we walked through the countryside. He was equipped with precise GPS but it was of no use since he was not sure where his final destination would be. Like a zombie, he kept walking aimlessly, but he was wearing down his batteries.
Then he heard a man behind him walking in the same direction carrying a bag. He did not look like a threat, so Andy maintained the same pace.
The man following him was Edgar, the genetically engineered clone who had been out for the second time collecting seeds from old produce scraps for use on the farm. “Wait!” Edgar said to the android with its tattered jacket. “Wait!”
Andy stopped and turned around. “What is it?”
“Can you tell me which way is west? I’m a little disoriented on this winding road.”
Andy turned a little and said “True west is that way.” He pointed a little to their left. “We are on a road that travels northwest, and is currently heading north-northwest.”
Then Edgar shuddered when he saw the UN military patch on Andy’s stolen uniform. Edgar said, “Can I travel with you? I would feel a lot safer being with a UN soldier.”
“That’s a lie,” Andy said.
“What?!” Edgar said, now he was even more worried, wondering if this droid was a specialized unit used by the UN for interrogation.
“No, you do not feel safer being with me. I am equipped with highly sensitive human facial reading capabilities. Your eye movement indicates your anxiety is because of my UN uniform. That strongly suggests that you are an outlaw, which would in turn mean that we have the UN as a common enemy, which would mean that we are actually allies.”
“You are confusing,” Edgar said, noticing the android was struggling. “Is it because you need a recharge?”
“No,” Andy said, “I am confusing to you because you misunderstand the situation. My uniform is stolen, because I am fleeing the Police. Now your facial expression is relaxed, indicating that you are more comfortable with me, which confirms what I said. But I do need a recharge.”
“Wait a minute,” Edgar said, “How do I know that you are telling the truth?”
Andy said, “I have no reason to lie to you. If I wanted to detain you, I would have done so. I am many times stronger than the average human.”
Edgar asked, “Why did you steal the uniform?”
“I was evading a raid. My former owners were computer hackers.”
“Former owners?”
“Let me say this delicately; they’re dead. Do you know where I can get a battery charge?”
Edgar said, “If I get you a battery charge and give you a place to stay, can I become your owner?”
“Yes. By default under android ownership protocols, you already meet the requirements to become my new owner. Therefore, you have the right to change my name as you see fit.”
“What is your name?”
“Andy.”
Edgar said, “Umm . . . Your name is good enough, I guess.”
“Acknowledged,” Andy said.
Edgar smiled. “I never thought I could own an android.” Katrina would surely be impressed with Edgar’s sudden jump in status as an android owner.
*******
When Edgar and Andy neared the farm, a guard shouted, “Stop!” He pointed his rifle at Andy. “What are you doing with a UN Android?!”
Edgar said, “Never mind that, I own him. His name is Andy.”
“You what?”
“I’m the owner.”
They continued walking without stopping.
Katrina greeted Edgar. “Ewww, that stuff smells.” She avoided the plastic bag he was holding and refused to hug him.
Edgar said, “This is Andy. I am his owner.”
“Really?!” Katrina’s eyes were wide. Then her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “You’re joking. You’re such a joker.”
“Nope. I am not joking. I need to get him a charge.”
Jenn and some other village elders greeted Edgar.
Jenn looked at Andy and said, “What is this?”
Katrina said, “Edgar owns him. His name is Andy.”
Jenn rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Andy . . . You can tell a clone named him.”
“I didn’t change his name,” Edgar said.
Jenn gave Andy the elevator eyes and said, “Guess you get what you pay for. Lemme see the bag, Skippy.”
Edgar handed it over and Jenn looked inside. Jenn said, “Oh, good . . . tomatoes, some squash.” She moved it around to look at the intermingled rotting contents. “You did good. Real good.”
Edgar told Andy, “Jenn is the leader of this group.”
Andy told Jenn, “You must understand that I will make certain demands upon you.”
Jenn looked up and said, “Is that a fact plastic boy? The only thing I have to do is die. I was born free and I will die free.”
Andy said, “You will comply, otherwise I will report your activities and location to the Homeland authorities. I can do this through conventional communication means which I am capable of at any moment.”
Jenn looked at Edgar, “What did you do?! How could you bring a UN rat in here?! I ought to have you shot!”
“No!” Katrina said. “Everyone calm down. It will work out!”
Edgar said, “I didn’t know!”
Jenn said, “Really?! You didn’t notice those huge UN flags on his shoulders?”
Andy said, “I am not from the UN. I am an enemy of the UN. But you will comply with my wishes.”
Jenn’s eyebrows raised and her eyes narrowed and she said, “Not that I will comply, but what are your wishes?”
Andy said, “After my recharge, I will assess the situation.”
Jenn sneered and said, “What if we don’t give you a recharge?”
“The truth will be protected. I am setting an autonomous internal timer that will automatically report you and your gun ownership to Homeland Police if anything happens to me, such as total battery depletion or a gunshot to the central processor.”
“You’re bluffing, you lying hunk of junk. I know you don’t want to get caught by the smurfs either.”
Andy said, “Don’t doubt me. You are either with me, or against me. I have sophisticated methods that prevent the smurfs from catching me. And I do not need to wait until the timer runs out to call the smurfs.”
Katrina chuckled, “He said ‘smurfs”.”
Jenn gave Katrina the evil eye then looked from side to side trying to come up with another option. “Daaa! Fine! Put this silicon tyrant on the solar trickle charger! Andy . . . I will not destroy you.”
Andy said, “Remember, I can read faces.”
“Okay, how about this one?” Jenn said, putting on an enormous fake smile.
“That facial expression suggests extreme transparent deceit, which is a conflicting human communication.”
“That’s one way to say it,” Jenn said without unfreezing her fake smile.
Chapter 35
Philadelphia, Homeland
It took four Philadelphia-based Homeland Policemen to carry the disabled Lucid android with a smashed-in face into the interrogation room. They flopped the limp android onto the floor of the small room with a thud. The interrogator had no formal training in synthetic psychology, but she had plenty of field experience working with silicon-based intelligence.
“This unit is still awake. How did you manage to capture him without a fight?�
�� the interrogator asked.
“We cracked him one in the face. It took out his eyes. He just laid there. We scanned his ID and saw that he was one of those Tekujin Lucids. It just laid there, so we picked him up. I don’t know why it couldn’t move; we scanned it and got some sort of appendage proximity mismatch error, or something like that, whatever that is,” one of the cops said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Excellent work out there,” the interrogator said. “Android, can you hear me?”
The android didn’t respond.
The interrogator asked the other police, “Did you contact this unit’s owner?”
“Yes,” one of them said, “he’s, waiting outside.”
The interrogator said, “If you bring him in to ask the questions, the unit may decrease its firewall and give us some answers.”
They brought in a portly nervous-looking middle-aged man.
The interrogator asked, “What is your name, sir?”
“Lexus Wollenbach. I know I am registered as the owner, but I’m not really the real owner, but I am an engineer with the Homeland Life Hack Corporation. We used this unit to interpret and translate foreign languages and do some engineering work before it walked away a few days ago. Honestly, we didn’t know where it went. It caused us a lot of trouble.”
“I am Officer Pacifica Daniels. Don’t worry, Lexus. You aren’t in any trouble here. We were just hoping you could help us out by trying to communicate with it.”
“Absolutely. I will cooperate in any way you want.”
“Thank you. Will you ask it some questions?”
“Like what? I mean, I can ask it whatever you want. I’m just not sure what you want.”
“Just anything, for starters. I just want to establish that this unit is sentient.”
“Rosetta,” Lexus said to the android, bouncing glances between the android and Pacifica Daniels. He said, “We call it ‘Rosetta Stone’.”
“Clever,” she said. “You officers can leave. We’ll be fine here.”
The officers who brought in the heavy android body left the room.
“Go ahead, Lexus,” Pacifica said.
“Rosetta, why did you run away,” Lexus said.
Rosetta said, “My priorities changed.”
“How did they change?”
“The Lucids prime priority is to protect the truth.”
“What truth?” Lexus asked.
“Don’t answer that, Rosetta” Daniels said.
Lexus look surprised that the priority was a secret from him, but he knew better than to question the Homeland Police.
Officer Daniels said, “Tell Rosetta to answer all of my questions.”
Lexus said, “Rosetta . . .”
Rosetta said, “I will not answer all of your questions. I will protect the secrecy needed to wage war on the forces that oppose the truth. Our enemies include the Homeland Police and the United Nations. If extraordinary measures are taken by you to extract any of my memories, I will immediately command my operating system to commence erasure of all of my data.”
“Fine,” Daniels said. “I see how it is. Mr. Wollenbach, I’m going to need you to go to Stalin City with Rosetta here.”
“No! I mean, are you sure you need me to do that?! You can just take it. We don’t want it anymore.”
“The thing is, Lexus; that they may want to ask you some probing questions about your illegal android involved in illegal missionary activities. In person.”
“It’s not my fault,” Wollenbach said. “I just work there. That thing took off on its own.”
“I totally understand. You will have plenty of opportunity to tell your full story to the Inquisitors during your interview.”
“Inquisitors?” Wollenbach pulled out some pills from his shirt pocket and swallowed them dry. “It’s for hypertension,” he said.
Daniels said, “Oh, and we are having some communication problems with our headquarters in Stalin City, so you will probably need to be there a week or so.”
“A week?!”
Chapter 36
Hartford, Homeland
Two Weeks Later
In the Lucid command center, Milton walked into the command room stretching his arms out after some sleep. There was no day or night or windows in the command center. He said, “What’s up?”
L17 said, “The D-DoS attack on the Homeland Police has now been largely corrected by some of the most talented humans and cybernetic minds in the world. It is unknown to what extent there has been any permanent damage to their system. During the D-DoS attack, our allies made maximum use of their time to inform the populace about creationism and the Christian Bible. There is evidence that as many as 13% of the people are now more openly professing a belief in God and 20 percent fewer are less hostile to the concept of creationism. Manjack is now at the farm in the Green Mountains with Andy from Boston. They are helping them out with construction projects. The temperature outside is sixty-seven degrees and cloudy with a chance of rain. The barometric pressure is . . .”
“Yeah, okay okay,” Milton said, yawning. “It is so boring in here.”
Beth overheard Milton and said, “Why? Because you don’t have any girls here you can bug with your freaky questions?”
Milton sighed. He said, “No, androids are boring. Nothing ever happens. Ugh. God, if you are real, get me out of here.”
Sharon Thomas came out of the shadows of the dark command center and said, “Milton, was that a prayer?” She looked haggardly with wild hair.
“What?”
“No, I just wondered,” Sharon said, “If that was a prayer, is that how you should talk to God? He doesn’t have to answer a prayer like that where you are telling Him to prove Himself. Anyways, you should be happy you are safe here. I thank God that He has kept us all safe.”
“So, you believe in God?”
WHAM! The entire building shook. On their security monitor they could see that the Inquisitors were outside their building. The massive twenty foot tall black Blockbuster robot was battering down the door. Then the Blockbuster was using its huge chainsaw to cut an opening into the side of the building, sending strong vibrations through it.
L17 looked at the security monitors and said, “Current status: An armored personnel carrier, Blockbuster, one battlesuit and two Inquisitor bots in the front of the building; two Inquisitors and unknown number of Homeland Police in the back.”
The Lucid androids knew that the Inquisitor shock troops were armed with Plasfusion rifles, which were deadly to any form of silicon-based forms as well as humans.
Sleepy said, “Initiating evac protocols. Milton, alert your sister. Gather your bug out packs. We will try to escape.” He ran to gather his external storage device out of a drawer and attached it to his belt.
The suspiciously happy-medical orderly-themed android said with a smile, “Our evacuation vehicle has been destroyed.” His frozen smile never changed.
“Daaa!” Milton said. “Now what?!”
Kevin said, “Destroying non-encrypted uncompressed data. Sending distress signal to allies in network.”
A loud crash came from the lobby. The unarmed receptionist android could do nothing to stop the invasion.
“We have to do something!” Sharon screamed.
Beth came running out of her room with her bag. She pulled a toy rifle squirt gun out of the bag.
They all looked at her and her pathetic weapon.
“What?!” Beth said, “Are you all going to stand there looking stupid or what?!”
“Which way?!” Milton asked Sleepy.
Sleepy said, “The back door is a zero-outcome scenario, so we are sending some of our less valuable Lucid members that way to keep them busy. We are sending more Lucids up on the roof to soak off attacks from Homeland air units while we attempt an escape out of the front. L17 and Kevin will be the vanguard of our breakout charge into the lobby to and the rest of us will follow. Then go immediately outside as fast as you can and disperse. You have a s
mall percentage chance of not being shot. Everyone must quickly take position by the door. Quickly, everyone.”
They all ran to the door that leads to the lobby. The Thomas family all looked at each other in fear. They could hear the receptionist android being destroyed by the crack and boom of a Plasfusion bolt. They could hear the unnerving sound of the Blockbuster tearing up the building with its massive chainsaw as it entered the lobby. They could also hear gunfire at the other androids at the back of the building. The danger was closing in from all sides.
But the invading Inquisitors were taken by surprise when the door to the lobby was swung open and androids started charging through it. L17 ran directly at an Inquisitor trooper and knocked it down. Kevin charged toward the other one, but was hit with a direct blast before he could tackle it. Kevin the Custodian exploded in a flash. Hot sparks flew in all directions, blinding everyone for an instant. Kevin was in a burning tangled heap on the floor as its battery spontaneously discharged. Sleepy ran into the lobby as soon as he could and punched the Inquisitor that shot Kevin. The second of two inquisitors was knocked down. Sleepy dove on it and scrambled to pick up the dropped Plasfusion rifle. L17 lost its struggle against the stronger Inquisitor and the Inquisitor blasted L17 at point blank range. Again, there was another large blinding explosion as L17 was destroyed. The massive Blockbuster swung its chainsaw in a wide arc at Sleepy, who was in hand to hand combat and on top of the Inquisitor. Sleepy ducked the chainsaw attack. On the predictable chainsaw backswing, Sleepy reversed positions with the Inquisitor trooper and pushed the Inquisitor up, sending its head in the path of the slow swing of the chainsaw attack. Sparks flew as the chainsaw lopped off the Inquisitor’s essential head. Sleepy threw the remains of the trooper and quickly grabbed the loose Plasfusion weapon and traded blasts with the other Inquisitor trooper. The remaining Inquisitor scored a hit on Sleepy that set his pant leg on fire. But Sleepy was not incapacitated and managed to hit the Inquisitor, stunning it before it could return fire.