“I think of nothing save you, Betsy Bell.” He pulled me to him, firmly. “You and our own log cabin. You must allow me to speak to your mother and brother and we must set a date to be wed, as your previous troubles have passed and the time has come to move forward.”
“The Spirit is still with me, Josh.”
“I wish to marry you, Spirit or no, dear girl.”
“If only it were so simple …”
“It is! Say you will marry me, Betsy, for you are my destiny and I am yours.” He put his hands on my shoulders and drew my face to his and I relaxed, breathing deep his smell and the spicebush around us, scents of longing.
“Let us see,” I managed to mumble, allowing him to push me up solidly against the smooth trunk of the elm, allowing his hands to roam around the bodice of my dress. I winced as he felt my breasts but hoped he would not know it was a tender time for me.
“What shall I see that is new to me?” Josh teased me, and quickly kissed my neck. “Marry me soon, Betsy. Marry me and every day we can share in the pleasures of each other and make together a new life.” He squeezed my shoulders and forced my eyes to his, insisting I respond.
“Would that I could give my answer yes. Would that it could be so.” I tried to squirm away and look down at the river, but he shook me just slightly, as though he feared I was not entirely in my body.
“It can be so, you foolish girl! You are only afraid. Remember in the winter when you were frightened riding up the bank? Remember how you flew across the meadow when I slapped your horse? You trounced that fear and then we laughed together! Was that not happiness? We must marry, Betsy, let us tell everyone today!”
“No! If you force me to an answer, Josh, I must declare it no! Not now! Ask not for me to do it!” I gripped his forearms with my nails and felt tears rise in my throat. I shocked Josh with my despair.
“Betsy! Don’t cry, you will always be loved by me and sure I will protect you, so you need not be afraid.” He held me close, calmly communicating the strength of his love for me, but the tenseness of his elbows revealed his desire to resolve the matter was firm. “This very afternoon I will go to your mother and John Jr. with my request, and then you must say yes.”
Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.
The Spirit hissed through the breeze in the new leaves. The hard tree was against my back and Josh’s body pressed my front and, despite its pleasures, the image came to me of an animal in a trap. I wondered, did the fox feel this way when it recognized its next movement would be its last? Why must Josh force the issue? Why could we not carry on forever as we were?
It cannot be.
The Spirit spoke exactly to my darkest fears and I felt the heavy stone within my belly, as I always did when Josh proposed his plans for our future.
Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.
“You would listen to a fiend from Hell, the tormentor of your soul, and not to this plea to stand beside me before God’s altar, united in purpose?” Josh demanded.
“Josh, it is not my doing.”
Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.
“It will be your undoing, darling girl.” Josh moved his hands from my shoulders up my neck to hold my face. His fingers pressed against the comb at the back of my head and I felt the silver prongs dig into my scalp. “I implore you, ignore the mean foreboding of this demon.” The love in his face was certain and I did wish to have it, but I was too afraid.
“Josh, be thoughtful of the matter. How can I marry you? Our future would be so afflicted as to resemble my father’s last days. Many times this Being has told the truth and I fear horrible affliction might come from our union. I cannot marry you, for I cannot cause you torment. I love you, before the eyes of the Lord, you know I love you, as I have opened every part of myself to you.” I ceased speaking, for a dark expression I did not like was settling on Josh’s features. He did not understand me.
“You have indeed. You cannot mean to refuse me now.” He slid his thumbs under my chin and tilted my face up as though he would kiss me, but did not.
“Dear Josh, it is because I love you, I must say no, we cannot marry.” I managed to speak the words despite the voice inside me crying, yes, say yes, say yes.
“Betsy Bell, if this is your true answer to my proposal I will go from here and never more will see you. I know not what else there may be for me in life … I fear there may be nothing, for you have been my dearest hope, the adoration of my soul. Say you will reconsider.” Josh allowed his fingers gently to caress my neck and I swallowed.
“I could not forgive myself if I were to cause a painful future to be yours,” I answered him, turning my eyes to the ground.
“Betsy, you know not the future nor its course.” Josh slipped his hands around my shoulders.
“I know the Spirit knows, and you have heard how it commands me.” I wished he could see it as I did.
“That creature of the damned knows nothing of my love for you.”
“Josh, you do not understand!” I shook my head with frustration and he let go of me, dropping his hands to his sides.
“I understand.” He nodded his head and I could see he was angry with me. “I understand you are finished with our love.”
“No …”
“Betsy, if you do not intend to marry me, I will leave you now and never see you more.”
“How can you? Do you not love me as you said?”
“I do. I love you and wish to sanctify our covenant together, but what you wish, I cannot do, for I feel it is unkind of you not to accept my worthy proposal.” He raised the back of his left hand and touched my cheek and lips, with confidence and longing. I knew not how to answer him for he had turned abruptly sensitive and calm. I had the momentary sense he knew something I did not, and I ought to trust him, but I could not be certain. I wondered fiercely what it was he knew.
“What shall I tell the others?” I asked, stalling for time while I tried to think of how our disagreement could be resolved.
“You must tell them you are free of me if you will not allow our marriage.” He turned to walk away and I noticed the light gray wool he wore was exactly the color of the elms that had sheltered us. My eyes filled with the red light of the waving sassafras and tears and I moved to run after him.
“Wait!” I called, but a thick white fog descended on the bank, and I could see nothing but ribbons of mist. I looked for Josh, but he had disappeared into the cloud. I tried to find the path we had taken, but I could not. Trees appeared where I thought there were none, blocking my progress. I cried out loud, what have I done?
Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.
I caught my beautiful dress on a stinging nettle as I moved between the elms and I knew it would be ruined, but I did not care. I stopped tripping through the fog and sank to my knees, giving my forehead to the ground. I listened to the river and tears rolled from my eyes onto the purslane and violets. I could not have Josh Gardner for my love, and all our tender moments shared were over. I thought of Father and his dying face and I cried harder for my losses; my father and my own true love.
I am leaving now.
The Spirit whispered in my ear and I knew all was over, for its voice was papery and soft, rustling like the pages of Father’s book of accounts, closing in my ear. I sat up and saw the fog had lifted and the woods and river were bathed in sunlight. I was not far off the path.
“There is too much unexplained!” I yelled, but my words were lost to the rushing water. I stood and ran up the path hoping I might see Josh, but he had gone. The comb in my hair had loosened and I pulled it out with great regret and hurled it down the bank into the water. I stood watching it sink, sad I would never see it again.
In the evening at supper we were all gathered in our places around the dining table. The fire burned at the hearth in the parlor and Chloe served early peas and skillet cornbread in gravy, a simple meal, as the next day was Easter and a hog was to be slaughtered for the occasion. I had heard the on
e they’d marked, wailing, as I walked up our path, but I cared not at all for the fate of the pig. I was sullen, tremendously downcast over what had transpired with Josh. I was thinking I should join the hog and wail myself until my angels came to get me, as surely, there must be a better world. But if it was inhabited by numerous unearthly Beings resembling the Spirit, then it was no place I wished to go.
Mother said grace, and John Jr. said Amen, and we commenced eating. I had not swallowed my first mouthful, when there came the sound of a bed frame being smashed to bits in the parlor. My first thought was the Spirit had finally decided to destroy Father’s last resting place. We all rose and went to see what the matter was, but we found no evidence of any breakage.
“Well, shall we resume our meal?” Mother turned to leave, but took not a step, as a heavy stone of iron rolled from our chimney and bounced from the grate onto the parlor carpet where it burst into a ball of blue sparks and the Spirit spoke.
I am leaving now. I will worry you and your people no more.
“Goodbye!” Mother called, as though she wished it well, but I felt suddenly overcome, as though I might faint. I knew the Spirit was leaving because its purpose was accomplished. It had tormented the life from Father and prevented me from having Josh Gardner. I spoke up, allowing my upset to be apparent.
“Why? Why was I so tortured?”
Do you not see my reason in my actions, Betsy Bell?
“All I see is how you caused my suffering.” The injustice of it was intolerable to me and I thought of Father speaking in church, his back rigid with anger.
Your worst torment was slaps and pinpricks, not so sharp as your own fears. All your suffering was not caused by me.
“It was! Did you not murder my father and cause me to renounce my love, never speaking to the reason why?”
I am all things. I am evil and evil seeks no reason. You would be wise to live content with that mystery without your irritable search for meaning. Your feeble mind cannot contain knowledge of all that lives. You cannot comprehend my reasons, or the lack of them.
I had the feeling the Spirit was not telling me the truth.
“I comprehend you better than you know. Your pleasure has been my suffering, and now you will depart, assured my life will be one of pain and loneliness.” I felt the wild abandon I’d experienced on the morning of the sleigh ride, when I’d known Father was gone and I could behave as I liked.
“Betsy …” Mother shook her head and frowned at me, discouraging me from continuing. I pictured Josh’s gray honest eyes and the love he held for me and I realized suddenly what he had known that afternoon that I had not; if I was blessed enough to share a single purpose with him it was my responsibility to embrace it, come what may. I recalled the day when we were attacked at the bridge with sticks and I had returned home to find my corn husk dolls blown away by the wind. Forces of nature I could not dictate, but what of my own future? I knew, though it felt buried under the heavy stone in my belly, I knew the right true path for me was to live in love and not in fear, or longing. What had I done? Why had I refused Josh Gardner? A fury such as I had never experienced before filled my body and I shouted, “Go, Spirit! Be gone and know I will do as I like, regardless of you, reason or no!”
Betsy Bell, what thoughts rage inside your head? You understand nothing.
“I understand I have had enough of your malevolence and you shall not leave any more than you already have behind. I shall have the love that I deserve.” I felt certain it was as Josh had said, our love was stronger than any otherworldly creature.
You will do as you will. I did not come here to torment you only.
I thought of Father and the dying slant of his head, his breath stuttering away. I thought of Clara Lawson hanging from a rope inside her barn and of Amanda Ellison floating face down in Kate Batts’s pond. I thought of the doors closed forever to Old Kate’s wares and of my brother struggling through storms for no good reason. I thought of Sallie Barton and John Jr. and how they never would meet or marry.
You are only one amongst the many suffering souls in this world and there are many other worlds as well, where many suffer.
“But I have finished with your torture,” I said, wanting more than anything for this to be the truth.
I too will soon be done with you, Betsy Bell.
The Spirit hissed into my ear and struck me hard across the face as it used to do before it murdered Father. I cried out in pain and brought my hand to the place where I had been struck.
I am the strength of the powerful Beings.
The Spirit raised its voice to the level of thunder.
“Betsy, allow the Spirit to take leave of us. Do not shout after it. It has said it will worry us no more.” Mother was upset and took up my arm protectively, but it was too late. I saw a white light flash across the room like the lightning bolt that had split our giant elm in two. An unbearable heat burned in my belly as though the Spirit had replaced the cold stone with red-hot coals.
“No!” Mother drew her hand quickly back as my dress burst into flames. I was frightened, but I felt nothing. Behind me John Jr. called for Chloe to bring a pail of water.
“She is burning, you must stop this! Stop it!” Mother flailed her arms against the flames but the fire simply grew stronger and brighter in the wind she created.
“I will live!” I screamed, determined to withstand the Spirit’s abuses of my flesh. I raised my arms above my head, surprised I felt no pain, though the flames consumed me. I was still able to speak, but tendrils of fire shot from my mouth with my words so I chose them carefully. “I will have Josh Gardner for my husband and my life. It is not God’s wish that I should suffer further.”
Do you believe you know the mind of God?
“I know He charged me with a special purpose, one I struggled to apprehend and did ignore until this very day.”
John Jr. took the pail of water from Chloe and stepped through the fire of me, pouring it over my head. It evaporated instantly, having no effect on the flames.
Speak not of what you know not, Betsy Bell.
“I may speak best of what I know most deeply. Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins. I love Josh Gardner, as the fig tree putteth forth green figs. It is my nature.”
Nature is what you know not.
“I know what love is and how it does deliver and delight.” A massive flame shot from my womb and licked the parlor curtains, scorching them to black.
“Please, stop! You must not do this!” Mother sobbed and I saw Joel and Richard shrinking up against the wall. Though I continued to feel nothing I could see they were afraid for me.
“Cursed I have been,” I continued to argue with the Being, “but now I am blessed to know love, and you shall not take it from me. One who does good is never overcome by evil, you said so yourself, in the cave.” The burning fire in my body subsided instantly. The flames ceased to flare from my arms and I was left with a warmth so rare and beautiful it felt as though God had breathed into my soul. My dress was black and scorched but there was not a mark left behind on my skin.
“Thank God! Thank you, Lord, thank you for sparing my child.” Mother prostrated herself on the floor by my feet. I wondered what she thought of my declaration of love for Josh, and I wondered why she thanked the Lord and not the Being.
Are you prepared for the responsibility of your affections?
The Spirit changed its tone with me and spoke reasonably.
Any fool can say I choose this love, but you know not what will befall you on the course.
“For certain I will never know if I do not take my opportunity.” All at once I felt possessed of an urgent need to saddle up Moses and ride through the night to Josh’s home. What if he was packing for Kentucky?
Betsy Bell, do not have Josh Gardner.
The Spirit returned to its menacing hiss and this caused me to let my temper loose. I knew it was dangerous to do so, but like the days when I crumpled Father’s page from his bo
ok of accounts and threw the poison in the fire and ran to Josh to let him love me, I no longer could control myself. I screamed at the Spirit.
“If you must stay and torment my days with Josh, so be it. I would rather be tormented and together with my love than separated by your evil and left to a lifetime of longing for what I already have. Do what you will, but know I will have Josh Gardner.” I shouted so loud the back of my throat felt ripped open by the words and suddenly I was growing and expanding until my head hit the ceiling and my elbows became notched in the corners of the room.
“Oh Betsy!” I saw Mother clasp her hands together in prayer down on the floor, now very far away. I felt the Being inhabit my soul on the screech of my rejection of it, slinking into my body so I had the urge to vomit and emit the great darkness welling inside. What was the dark? Subterranean, cold and frightening like the walls of the cavern, like the fear of the early nights of the visitation when I waited alone for the maddeningly cruel abuse. It was the fear in the room with Father before his death, the unspeakable cloud of black, a darkness smelling like dank earth. I could not properly breathe, for it seemed my lungs had remained tiny when the rest of me expanded. The Spirit whispered in my ear.
When I placed my hands on your shoulders in the woods when you were only nine, I saw your fate, Betsy Bell.
I felt as though my swollen limbs might burst and rain blood down. I wanted to be released, but I could not speak. All at once time stopped, all breathing ceased, and into this stillness the Spirit spoke only to my soul.
You saw me in the light in the forest.
I thought of that first time, the light flashing as if someone walked with a lantern in the woods.
You felt the chill of me.
I felt it at that moment, for the dark was cold, and icy like the earth on Father’s coffin.
You heard my voice inside the wind.
I recalled the rattling thistles and the conversation buried in them.
Do you ask the wind, why do you blow across my cheek?
All That Lives Page 40