by Elks, Carrie
She took a deep breath and blew it out. Breck reached for her, grabbing her hand.
“I took the board out until I was waist deep and tried to scramble on it. Naturally, I fell in right away. That’s when it happened. It felt like something was grabbing my whole body. I was yanked under until I was totally submerged. It was like being in one of those tube slides, not able to grab onto anything, and not able to stop. Your whole body’s being propelled through the water as it crashes against you. I kept moving my arms, trying to get to the surface. I wanted to call out, but I was surrounded by water. My chest was burning, screaming at me to open my mouth, but I knew if I did, that would be it.
“I don’t know how long I was under. A minute or two, maybe. Enough for me to get completely disoriented, for my head to be so light I could hardly think. And all I wanted to do was scream.”
Breck tugged her hand, until she was moving toward him. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her onto his lap.
“It was a tourist who saved me. He’d watched me go under. Even though it was dangerous, he swam out to save me. Mom said they never found out his name. Somehow, he managed to grab hold of me and pull me back to the beach. By that point I was unconscious, and had inhaled some water. They had to perform CPR. I didn’t fully wake up until I was in the hospital.” She closed her eyes, breathing him in. “And I guess you know the rest.”
“Did they not offer you therapy? You’d almost died. What about your mom, didn’t she understand how scared you were?”
“It’s amazing how good an actor a kid can be. I didn’t want therapy, and I think my mom was relieved I wasn’t going down to the beach on my own any more. I felt like it was all my own fault. I shouldn’t have stolen Lucas’s board. I shouldn’t have gone to the ocean by myself; it was a self-inflicted injury. To tell them about my fears would’ve made it seem like I was seeking attention.”
“You were ten years old,” Breck whispered, burying his face in her hair. “You weren’t looking for anything. You were a scared kid, somebody who needed help. God, if I’d known how frightened you’d still be, all these years later…”
“Breck, it’s nobody’s fault. And I’m okay now. I’m still alive, still breathing. I’m okay.”
“But you’re not okay. If you were, you wouldn’t panic every time you saw a body of water; you wouldn’t avoid lakes and pools. You’d just take them in stride.”
“It’s a coping mechanism.”
“But you’re missing out.”
The fervency in his voice made her lift her head up. He looked upset, enough for her to reach out and cup his face with her palm. “I’m okay, Breck.”
“I want you to come to the pool with me,” he said. “You don’t have to go in. You just have to look at it. You can’t ignore your fears like this.”
“Breck…”
“Do it for me?” he asked, leaning in close. “I won’t make you do anything else. I’ll hold you. I’ll do whatever else you want. Just let me do this with you.”
There was a hint of desperation to his tone, and it reflected in his eyes. He tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer, until it felt as if every part of her body was touching his. She breathed him in, this man, the one she couldn’t help but fall in love with.
“Okay, I’ll come down to the pool with you,” she said, her voice shaky. “But you have to promise not to let go of me.”
“Baby, I swear on my life I’ll never let you go.”
22
“Are you sure about this?” Breck asked, taking her hand as they walked across the ceramic tiles. His voice echoed, bouncing around the room. They were wearing matching white bathrobes, covering up the bathing suits Breck had bought from the hotel boutique. The air around them smelled of chlorine.
The pool was closed for the evening to the guests. But Breck had asked Juan for a favor, and he’d allowed them to have private use of it. It was the only way Caitie would contemplate trying this – there was no way she wanted the hotel guests to witness her reaction.
“I’m not sure,” Caitie admitted, biting her lip. Her stomach was churning like crazy. “How about you?”
“Only if you are,” he said quietly. “I can already feel you shaking. I don’t want to push you into a panic attack.”
“If I don’t do it now, I might never do it.” She took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way the chemicals lingered in her throat. She needed to do this. To prove to herself the water couldn’t hurt her. She was twenty-eight-years-old, a strong, professional woman. She hated having a weakness like this.
It was time to face it.
“Let’s do it.” Breck gave her a smile.
He pushed the double glass doors open and they stepped inside the pool area. The water was gently lapping against the edge of the tile, the glass ceiling dappled with reflections from the surface. Even the walls were covered with intricate mosaics of waves. The sudden assault on her senses made Caitie stop in her tracks.
“You okay?” Breck’s mouth was touching her ear. She could feel his words against her skin.
“Give me a minute.” She closed her eyes, taking in the sounds of the water gently moving in the pool. Breathing in, she inhaled the watery chemical smell. Finally, she opened her eyes. As she looked around, from tile, to water, to Breck, she waited for the familiar palpitations to arrive. For the congestion in her throat to make it difficult to breathe. But the panic stayed away, kept at bay by a combination of determination, and Breck’s steady hold on her.
Was it possible she could actually do this?
“Let’s get a little closer,” she whispered. Breck hesitated. He held her in place, his hand tightly grasping hers.
“Shouldn’t we leave it here for now? I don’t want to push our luck.”
“I want to get closer to the water.” Emboldened by her lack of panic, she stepped forward, pulling a reluctant Breck with her. Strange how their roles had changed within seconds of walking inside.
She took another breath in. This time the chemicals weren’t so disturbing. As though her body was getting used to them. “I want to touch the water.” Even though she whispered her request, the determination was thick in her voice.
“Are you ready for that?”
She looked up at him. Concern radiated from Breck. He wanted to protect her from everything.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “But you’re the one who said I can’t live like this anymore.”
“I did.”
“So let’s see if I can stand it.”
First one step, then another, and a moment later they were at the edge of the pool. Their reflections danced in the water, the gentle movement distorting them.
Gently, she pulled her hand from his, getting down on her knees to stare at the water. She kept a sensible distance between herself and the edge – not willing to risk an unexpected fall. But still, she was closer to a body of water than she had been since the day of her accident.
“I’m not panicking.” She looked up at him with bright eyes. “I’m okay.”
For the first time since entering the swim area, he allowed himself to smile. Breck squatted down next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders. “You made me promise not to let you go.”
“I think I’m going to dip my toes in.” Excitement bubbled through her. Why had she avoided doing this for so long? Without waiting for a response from Breck, she scrambled until she was sitting, and extended her feet until they were almost touching the surface. She’d barely skimmed the water, the very tip of her toe leaving a trail in its wake. Feeling emboldened, she dipped both of her feet in the pool.
An unexpected image flashed through her mind. The memory so vivid she thought she was there. The riptide coming out of nowhere, pulling her under. Her ten-year-old self no match for the power of the ocean.
“Breck, I need to go.” She could feel the familiar tightening in her chest. The pounding, the speeding, everything inside of her going too fast. Her body froze, unable to move awa
y even though she wanted to. Her hands and thighs started to tremble.
“Cait, try to breathe.” His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her away from the edge. “Cait, stop crying. Try to inhale. Okay?”
Tears began to flow down her cheeks. Just like all those years ago, she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t open her mouth.
Drowning. She was drowning.
“Cait.” His voice was louder, a hint of panic causing it to be sharp. “Cait, look at me. You need to breathe.” He grabbed her chin, yanking her face until her wide eyes met his. “Breathe, babe, come on.”
The first inhalation she took was like a shot of adrenaline to her veins. Everything sped up – her sobs, her shallow breaths – all of them trying to catch up with the racing of her heart. She was shaking, her whole body convulsing. Breck lifted her into his arms.
“Christ, you’re freezing.” Carrying her, he rushed from the pool area, heading down the corridor to their room. She clung to him, still trying to catch her breath, as he fumbled with his keycard, before pushing it into the lock. “Keep breathing, Cait,” he told her.
“I… am…” It was almost impossible to talk between the gasps and shivers. He kicked the door open, ran in, and set her on the bed. He wrapped himself around her as she lay in his arms.
“It’s so cold.” Her teeth started to chatter. Breck rubbed her skin, trying to create some warmth. But even when he pulled their robes off and lay on top of her, trying to give her his body heat, she still shivered.
“You need to get into a hot shower. Do you think you can do that?” he asked. “You need to warm up. You’re so damn cold.”
“I don’t know… I…” She started to shake again. “I think so. Stay with me. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’m here. I’ve got you.” His voice was like a balm, soothing her, while he held onto her tightly. She clung to him, as he took her to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and pulled their suits off.
A moment later, she was standing naked beneath the hot, steamy spray. Breck was in front of her, his arms wrapped around her, rubbing her back and murmuring soft words in her ear. Caitie’s arms were around his waist, her face buried in his chest. It took a few minutes before she was warmed up, and her breathing was under control.
Of course, that’s when the crying started again. A whole myriad of emotions hit her at once. Shame, embarrassment, anger. Like a poisonous cocktail they swirled together, rising up, until the only way to express them was to let the tears spill out.
“God, I’m so sorry,” she whispered against his chest. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Shush, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” He ran his fingers through her wet hair, massaging her scalp.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I thought I was so clever. You told me not to push it and I didn’t listen. I had to keep going. To try. I’ll never learn, will I? I’m a coward.”
“Cait,” Breck said, his hands cradling her head. “You’re the bravest and strongest woman I know. I’m humbled by you. You went in there and faced a fear that’s had a hold on you for seventeen years. Don’t let me ever hear you calling yourself a coward. You’re amazing.” He moved his fingers in circles against her scalp. Dropping his head, he brushed his lips against hers. “Every minute I’m with you I become more entranced by you. You’re everything.”
The emotion in his voice made her want to cry harder. He was touching her so gently, his lips soft and his hands softer. As though she were a fragile bird, waiting to be rescued. She was hyper aware of how close they were standing, of how naked they were. Of how much she felt for this man who was cradling her against him.
As they stood there, their bodies slick with water, the air thick with steam, she didn’t have time to think any more before the words came spilling out of her. “I love you.”
He stilled against her. His hands froze in her hair, his breath caught in his throat. She felt her heart beating hard in her chest, but this time not from panic, but from fear.
Had she really said that out loud?
Her body that had been so cold, began to heat up. Water poured down from her hair and onto her face. When she looked at Breck, he was smiling.
God, was he smiling. His eyes were warm and intense, like dark pools threatening to engulf her.
“Caitlin Russell, the feeling is mutual.”
* * *
“We should definitely go with the ham and turkey en croute, don’t you think?” Caitie asked, taking another mouthful of the pastry-wrapped bites. “God, this is delicious, plus it fits perfectly with the Christmas theme. What side dishes do you recommend?”
Breck frowned, trying to swallow the food down. Christmas. The thought of it was like a pitcher of ice water being poured down his spine.
He opened his mouth to tell her how he felt about Christmas. That he avoided it every year, traveling somewhere exotic for the holidays while everybody else gathered with their friends and families.
He couldn’t look at a tree without thinking about his mom. Couldn’t listen to a Christmas song without feeling like a seventeen-year-old boy again, all alone, responsible for his little brother. Afraid and shocked.
But she was smiling at him as though it was the best thing ever. And to her it was. Unlike him she loved Christmas. So much so she’d made a career out of it. Her face was lit up as she looked at him.
No, he wouldn’t spoil this for her. Not when she’d only just recovered from her panic attack from the night prior. If she could face her fears, he could, too. He’d eat the food and enjoy it, even if it tasted like ashes in his mouth.
Because she was worth every damn swallow.
“I’d recommend carrots and peas cooked in coriander and wine, paired with croquette potatoes. It’s simple and looks elegant once plated. Even the colors will be festive,” the chef suggested.
Martine sat next to them, scribbling things down. They’d already chosen the first course – a simple goat cheese salad that had made all their mouths water. After the main course, they moved onto the cake.
“It’s a three-tiered cake,” the chef told them. “The first layer is fruit, the second is chocolate, and the third is raspberry and vanilla. My plan is to ice it with white frosting, and decorate it with silver snowflakes and glitter, keeping with the theme.” He slid the plate over to them, gesturing to the forks. “Try them.”
After they’d tried all three layers, Caitie asked Breck, “What do you think?”
He looked up at her, keeping his expression neutral. “I don’t know. I’m not a fan of sweet things.” In particular, not a fan of Christmas sweet stuff, but he kept that little morsel to himself. “I’m pretty sure it would work.”
“I think they’re perfect,” Caitie said. “And I love the way the decoration fits with the festive theme. Thank you for working so hard on this. I know it hasn’t been easy with me being across the country.”
“Are you working right up to the wedding?” the chef asked.
“Pretty much. I landed a new contract. I’m redesigning the Christmas theme for the Hollywood Hills Theme Park.” She blushed as she said it. Breck couldn’t help but smile as he looked at the pink in her cheeks.
Her enjoyment of the festive season was obvious as she talked with the chef and Martine. She glowed as she took them through her plans for the table décor and the winter wonderland theme that would be the highlight for the dancing following dinner.
Breck leaned back as Caitie chatted animatedly with the others. He watched as she smiled, leaning forward to point at Martine’s list. Caitie had this aura about her when she worked. A way of drawing people in, of getting them excited. It was a side to her he hadn’t seen before. An enticing one. She was as dedicated to her work as he was to his. He liked that a lot.
“Will you be back here before the big day?” Martine asked.
Caitie shook her head. “No, I’m flying in late on the twenty-first. I can’t get away any sooner. But Lucas and Ember are only an
hour away if there are any last minute issues. And I’m only a phone call away. Hopefully by the time I fly back to New York tomorrow, we’ll have already agreed on almost everything.”
And so the afternoon continued. Once they’d finished the tastings, they moved onto the wedding venue. They’d chosen to have the ceremony inside, in the ballroom. Though the weather in California was pretty reliable, they didn’t want to take the chance that the one inclement day in December might fall on the twenty-third.
“We’ll have the tree here,” Caitie said, pointing to the corner. “The one I’ve ordered is thirty feet. The Christmas Interiors Company will decorate it when it arrives.”
“They’re the ones doing all the decorations, right?” Martine asked.
“Yes, they’re doing this room, the entrance hall, plus the dining room. I’ve known the owner for years. He’s the best.”
“Grant?” Martine said. “Oh yes, he’s a darling. Plus his wife, Catriona, is gorgeous. They’ll do a good job.”
“How do you know all these people?” Breck asked, frowning. “Don’t you work mostly in New York?”
“How did you find the best contractors when you started working in California?” Caitie asked in return.
“Word of mouth, friends of friends. The hotel construction industry is pretty incestuous.”
“So’s the Holiday industry,” Caitie said. “As is the hotel catering industry. We’re stepping over each other all the time.”
“You’re not wrong there,” Martine said, smiling. “Everybody knows everybody in this business. If you make a wrong move, word hits the streets within minutes. It was disconcerting when I first started working in hotel events. But it can be handy, too. Especially when you need to call in a favor.”