by Elks, Carrie
Everything was perfect. And at least one couple was getting their happy-ever-after today.
* * *
As soon as he’d made it home in the early hours of the morning, Breck had been full of regret. Once he could breathe again he realized he’d been having a panic attack at the hotel. A massive one that felt like he was dying. He hadn’t had one of those in years, thanks to the therapy and work he’d put in after his mother’s death.
But now everything felt fresh and painful. And he had no idea how to handle it.
No matter what he did, he couldn’t forget the way Caitie had looked when he’d told her he had to leave. The shocked pain on her face had mirrored his own. But this time it had been his fault. He was the one who’d inflicted pain on the woman he loved. And it killed him.
His body was dog tired. His brain, too. But when he’d arrived back in Angel Sands at the early hours of the morning, sleep had been the furthest thing from his mind. Instead, he’d paced the bungalow, the deck, and even the beach, trying to work out what he should do. He’d wanted to talk to her, but it had been three in the morning, and there was no way he was going to wake her up. Making this wedding perfect for her brother was important to her, she’d made that much clear. He’d already caused her enough pain, he wasn’t going to make things worse by talking to her all night when she should be resting.
So instead he’d paced his bungalow, his hands clenched into fists as he tried to work out what to do. How to make things right. If this had been a movie he’d drive back to the hotel and interrupt the wedding ceremony to tell the whole wedding party how much he loved her. But he knew Caitie, and he understood she would have hated that. She didn’t like grand gestures; she just wanted to be treated kindly.
And he’d failed at that.
As the morning progressed into a temperate December afternoon, Breck glanced at the watch on his tanned wrist. The ceremony would be over by now. They’d all be sitting down to eat; Caitie, Lucas, their family and friends. Laughter and love surrounding a single empty chair.
His chair.
For the past twelve years he’d associated Christmas with loss and pain. With that terrible day when he’d lost his mom and his entire world had fallen apart. But now the wound was fresh and deeper than it had ever been. He didn’t know if it would ever heal again.
Each memory of her face and her touch would make it split open a little more.
He could feel his breath becoming labored, the way it had when he’d listened to the Christmas music. His chest was tight, too. He needed to do something to stave off the panic, so he pulled on his running shorts and a shirt, slipping his feet into soft shoes made for jogging on the sand. Maybe a swift five miles would help clear his mind. God knew nothing else was doing the trick.
As he was about to leave the bungalow, his cellphone rang. Reaching out for it, he felt his heart start to race. A hundred possibilities rushed through his mind; it could be Caitie, wanting to kill him, or Lucas wanting to do the same. Then again it could be Griff or Jack, wanting to yell at his stupidity.
Seeing his dad’s name on the screen was almost a letdown. He considered ignoring it, but thought better. Even a few minutes of conversation had to be better than the maelstrom in his mind.
“Hey, Dad.”
“I caught you. I wasn’t sure you’d be able to answer your phone. Maria and I are about to get on our flight to Miami. I wanted to check in with you before we did.” A loud speaker interrupted his words, silencing him for a moment. Thirty seconds later, he continued, “Sorry about that. Anyway, how’s the wedding?”
A lump the size of an island formed in Breck’s throat. Should he lie to put his dad’s mind at rest? But in spite of everything he’d done, he was never a good liar. Great at breaking hearts, but a fail when it came to telling untruths. “Yeah, I didn’t go.”
“Why not?” An edge of concern slipped into his dad’s voice. “Are you sick?”
To his core, but that was self-inflicted. “No, it’s not that.” Breck sat down on the couch. “I, ah… I messed up, Dad. I did something terrible. I hurt somebody I care so deeply about. And I have no idea what to do about it.”
“You want me to fly over there?” David asked, his voice full of concern. “I can change my ticket, and be there in an instant.”
“No!” Breck was touched at his father’s offer, but the thought of ruining yet another person’s Christmas made him feel even worse. “Dad, you’re about to spend Christmas with your girlfriend. There’s no way you can let her down.”
“Son, if you need me I’ll be on the next flight. Maria will understand. It’s what parents do.”
His dad’s simple offer made Breck want to cry. Thirteen years ago he’d done the exact same thing, flying out to Angel Sands to help his sons at Christmas, and things hadn’t really changed much. “Honestly, Dad, I’ll be fine. I need to take a couple of days to think about things.”
“I hate to think of you all alone on Christmas.”
Breck’s laugh was short. “I’m on my own every Christmas.”
“And I hate it every year. But this year is even worse. I haven’t heard you so down in a long, long time.”
Thirteen years, probably. But Breck was trying not to think about that. “Yeah, well this is all self-inflicted, so don’t feel sorry for me. I pretty much want to punch myself.”
“You wanna talk about it?” David asked. “We’ve got another hour until boarding, and Maria’s gone off to window shop.”
Breck opened his mouth, determined to say no, but closed it. Keeping things bottled up hadn’t worked out so well for him thus far. “I don’t even know where to start, Dad. I’m a mess. I can’t believe what I did to her.”
“Well, you can start by telling me who she is.”
“Cait,” Breck said softly. “Caitlin Russell. You met her at Thanksgiving.”
“Little Caitie? Lucas’s sister?” David clarified. “Something’s going on between the two of you?”
Breck slumped further into the couch cushions, rubbing his neck with the palm of his hand. He had some explaining to do.
Breck carefully filled his father in on how he and Caitie had fallen for each other. As ashamed as he was, he left nothing out, not even the crazy way he’d left the hotel.
“Wow,” his dad said, as soon as Breck had finished his story. “You’ve really gotten yourself in a mess, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, you could say that.” He squeezed his eyes shut, overwhelmed by how much he’d messed things up.
“I should have known you’d be low at this time of year. I should have checked on you. I’m so used to you going away and avoiding things. I never dreamed you’d walk into a hotel full of Christmas cheer and expect to feel okay about things.”
“But I should feel okay,” Breck said. “It’s been years. I’m a grown man. I shouldn’t freak out over a few decorations and a fir tree.”
“Son, you lost your mom the day before Christmas. It’s absolutely normal to feel out of control at this time of year. From what you’ve said, you’re in love with a girl whose life revolves around the holidays. It’s like being a vegan and getting married to a butcher.”
Breck let out a mouthful of air. “I’m all wrong for her. I didn’t even get her a gift. What kind of guy doesn’t think about buying a present for the girl he loves? She could do so much better than me.”
“She could do a damn sight worse.”
“Yeah, well you’re biased.”
“Damn right I am. I’m also feeling a little bit guilty right now. This isn’t all your fault.”
“Guilty?” Breck was incredulous. What the hell did his father have to feel guilty about? “How’d you figure that?”
“I never forced you to face things. That Christmas when you were eighteen and you asked me to pay for you to travel, I jumped at the chance. I’d seen you at your lowest the December before, and I couldn’t stand for you to get so down again. The thought that you’d go and have fun seemed like th
e best idea ever. But you kept doing it. Going away and avoiding Christmas like it was some kind of poison. And I kept helping you do it. So yes, it’s my fault, too. I did it from the best intentions. But we all know those things line the pathway to hell.”
“I’m a grown man, Dad. I think I can take responsibility for being a complete mess.”
David laughed. “Son, you’re not a mess. You did something stupid. There’s a difference.”
Breck squeezed his eyes shut. He could still see Caitie’s face behind his lids. The way she’d stared at him, like he was an asshole. Goddamn it, he was an asshole.
“She’s never going to forgive me,” he whispered. “And she shouldn’t. I did some messed up, terrible things. I broke her heart the night before her brother’s wedding, the one day she needed my support the most.”
“Did you ever think of asking for her support?” David asked.
“What?” Breck frowned. “Why should she give me support? I’m the one who’s supposed to look after her.” Yeah, and look how that turned out.
“Of course she should support you, exactly the same way you support her. A relationship is supposed to be equal, son. After separating from your mother, I learned that the hard way. If you don’t talk to her, how’s she supposed to know how you’re feeling?”
Breck was silent, thinking about his father’s words. Could there be truth in them? The thought of sharing his vulnerability with Caitie, of admitting he was fallible, both thrilled and scared him in equal measure.
“I don’t know…” his voice broke. “Dad, I don’t know how to make it right.”
“Be honest, be open, and tell her how sorry you are. I don’t know if that will make it right, but it has to be better than spending your life surrounded by regrets. And again, I’m talking from experience here.”
For all his life, Breck had been the strong one. Supporting his mom through her illness, then his brother after her death. Even in adulthood, he worked alongside his father, making sure the company he’d founded went from strength to strength. Was it even possible to change that? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was he couldn’t stand feeling like this. He’d spoiled the one precious thing in his life, simply because he was afraid to show who he really was.
“She’s going to hate me.” The truth of his words made him wince. “And she should.”
“Yep, almost certainly,” his dad agreed. He sounded a little too cheerful for Breck’s liking. “But a strong guy like you can take it, can’t you?”
Could he? Breck considered the alternative; living life the way he always had. Strong, silent, alone. The thought of it made him want to throw up.
“Yeah, I can take it.”
“Good. Because otherwise I’d have to change my flight and come beat you up myself. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself and figure out a way to talk to that girl before you lose her for good.”
As far as Breck was concerned he’d already lost her, and deservedly so. But apart from that, his father was right. He owed her an explanation, and he certainly owed her an apology.
The rest, he’d have to leave up to fate.
* * *
Somehow Caitie had made it through the rest of the day. She fought her way past the questions about the missing groomsman and held her head high when she explained to the staff they’d need one less place setting. She’d even kept it together as the music played and Lucas and Ember had their first dance, staring into each other’s eyes, the love between them palpable. The only person who’d made her stumble was Rachel, and her constant musings about how Breck was feeling. At one point, Rachel talked about going back to Angel Sands after the ceremony to check on him, but luckily Brooke and Ally had persuaded her otherwise.
The dancing was over by midnight, and by that point there were only a trickle of people left in the room. The hotel staff was cleaning around them, stacking chairs and clearing tables. A very-tired looking Lucas and Ember came over to her, smiling in spite of their obvious exhaustion.
“Thank you so much, Caitie,” Ember said, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “Today was so special, and we owe it to you and all your hard work. We couldn’t have done this without you.”
Caitie’s smile was almost genuine. “It was a pleasure. Thank you for including me in your day; I’m honored you let me help.”
Lucas hugged her tight. “You’re amazing. A real rock. Nothing fazes you, not even having Breck cancel at the last minute. Flu and fever my ass. I bet he was hooking up with some chick.”
His words made Caitie’s stomach churn. She tried to ignore the way it clenched at the thought. “Yeah, probably,” she mumbled.
“Ah, I’ll give him hell after the honeymoon.”
Grasping at the chance to change the subject, Caitie asked him, “When do you leave again?”
“The day after Christmas,” Lucas said. “We’ll spend tomorrow night, or I guess it’s now tonight at our house, then Christmas day with Ember’s mom. After that, we’re off to LAX and on to Paris.”
“It’s going to be cold there,” Caitie said. “I hope you’ve got a good coat.”
“Ember’s bought us a whole new wardrobe. Coats, sweaters, boots. We’ll probably never want to come home.”
“I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to either.” She took a deep breath. “I guess I should head to bed, and let you two go. After all, it is your wedding night. You shouldn’t really be spending it with your sister.”
Ember laughed. “Well, I guess it’s past midnight. We really should get some sleep, Mr. Russell.”
“I’ll be right behind you, Mrs. Russell.” Lucas grinned at Caitie. “Good night, sis.”
“Good night.”
Watching them leave, she tried to ignore the ache in her heart. They were so in love, and they’d declared it in front of all their family and friends. They deserved every bit of the happiness that was glowing from them. Even if it was a painful contrast to the loneliness weighing down on her shoulders.
* * *
Climbing out of the hot shower, Caitie wrapped a towel around her chest and twisted another onto her head. Her feet throbbed from spending all day in heels, and with each step she took, the pain made her wince. She was too tired to dry her hair, unsure she even had the strength to hold the hairdryer. She’d probably regret it in the morning, but right now going to sleep with it wet seemed like a good idea.
She grabbed her phone from her purse, intending to check her emails before switching it off for the night. That’s when she saw the missed calls – four of them – plus a handful of text messages and voicemails. All of them were from the same person.
Breck.
Her heart clenched at the sight of his name. She wanted to hear his voice, to feel his arms around her, to make everything okay.
But it wasn’t. The way he walked out on her, and on the wedding, without a glance backward still stung. She was sad and tired and everything else that made her body ache.
Breck would have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe everything would be clearer then.
27
By the time Caitie’s parents had driven her back to their house on Christmas Eve, it was almost lunchtime, but her stomach was way too tight to eat any food. Instead, she climbed back into bed, her body weary as hell, and pulled the soft covers over her. Her mind had resisted sleep, still too hyped up with thoughts of Breck and the wedding, not to mention her work. But the tiredness had fought hard, winning out within minutes over the anxieties gnawing at her.
The days from Christmas Eve all the way into the New Year were always the quietest for her professionally. It seemed counter-intuitive at first, that a business which specialized in Christmas should be so quiet at the very time of year she worked toward. Yet by December twenty-fourth everything that could be done, had been done. Festive TV shows had aired, Theme Parks were closing, and corporate parties were over and done with for the year. Even her biggest clients – the retail businesses – were wrapping up the decorations, and filling the stores for th
eir New Year sales. She could worry all she wanted, but the fact was there was nothing else for her to do.
Nothing but sleep.
A knock on her door woke her a few hours later. Caitie sat upright in bed, blinking to unstick her eyes. She was wearing a sweatshirt and shorts, her hair sticking out in weird directions. Her eyes were puffy and red from too many late nights and even more tears.
“Caitie?” Deenie stuck her head around the bedroom door. “There’s someone to see you.”
“Wha?” She was still blinking the dry sleep away. “Who is it?”
“Breck. I think he’s come to apologize for being unable to make it yesterday. I have to say he doesn’t look much better. I hope he’s not contagious. The last thing we need is to come down with something on Christmas Day.”
Caitie looked down at her bare legs and her old threadbare sweatshirt. She wasn’t exactly dressed for entertaining. “Can you tell him I’ll call him later?” she asked.
“Honey, he’s come to say sorry. And this is Breck we’re talking about. He won’t care that you’re wearing old clothes, or that your hair’s a mess. Oh, or about the red patch on your face from where you’ve been sleeping.”
“Yeah, thanks for noticing that.” Caitie rubbed her cheek.
Deenie sighed. “I know you’re tired, sweetheart. We all are. Just come out and say hi. He’s on his own and I can’t help but think about it being the anniversary of his mom’s death. Thirteen years might be a long time, but it has to still hurt.”
That got her attention. She swung her legs out of bed, her feet hitting the warm rug. “Okay, give me a minute. I’ll put on something more appropriate.”
It didn’t mean anything. Nothing more than a friend caring about a friend. As angry as she was with him, the soft girl inside of her still cared about Breck. About his pain, his grief, about him being all alone.