by Sarah Barrie
‘I’m not going to say thank you, because frankly, this is getting a little insulting. What you’re going to do is leave me, and the animals, the hell alone. I said I’ll handle it.’
He got as far as his ute, opening the door before turning to her one more time.
‘Think about it. You know where I am.’
For an hour Ally stalked the house, blaming Cameron William Blakely – the third – for everything. How dare he look at her like that, judge her, tell her she’s not up to it? She still hadn’t forgiven him for accusing her of trying to kill off Mavis. She’d thought he was nice. Well, he had been – once. But then, that could just have been a mild psychotic break.
She knew all about those.
It was easier to stay mad, and she held on to her anger as long as she could. But even that could only last so long and really, what was he supposed to think? If he had called for medical help and Mia had found out she’d swallowed all those sedatives with alcohol, she’d have gone apoplectic and dragged Ally home. And she’d have had a right to. It was stupid. She’d just panicked. Ally knew, deep down, it was possible – probable – she’d panic again. And she knew she was pretending to be mad at Cameron so she could deflect that anger from herself. Shame washed through her. She’d thought she could cope. She couldn’t.
Later, as she settled down to sleep, thoughts of the attempt at feeding, of the days ahead where she’d have to try again, haunted her. She needed to go back and talk some sense into Mavis. And she needed to find Gus. Just as her eyelids closed, the familiar thump in the room above her head had her uncurling from the lounge. She climbed the stairs and turned on the light in the spare room. The cat stretched then, with a glare, sprang from the bed out the window. Even as she closed it behind him, she told herself it was pointless – he’d get back in regardless. Her hand hovered over the light switch. Maybe if she left the light on he might be dissuaded from sneaking back in. It was worth a try.
CHAPTER
6
Ally scuffed towards the kitchen in her slippers, fighting back fatigue. Wasn’t country air supposed to be a sleep tonic? It wasn’t working. And it did nothing to stop the nightmares. Another bad night had left her feeling drained before the day had even begun.
She’d let the lunatic out of the laundry a few minutes ago and discovered a bulk pack of washing powder littered like snow over the floor. She could have swept it up – possibly rescued some of it, except for the fact its chewed-into-small-pieces box had been masterfully spread throughout the mess, and the trail of puppy pee that had, despite being somewhat absorbed by the powder, managed to run the length of the laundry floor on its way to the drain. So she’d closed the door on the disaster and pretended it didn’t exist.
Coffee would make it real, but coffee would also make it bearable. She just about had it brewed when a creak above her head, then a muffled thump, made her eyes roll. The cat was back in again.
‘Damn it.’ Because that one couldn’t wait, she stomped upstairs, and sure enough, the cat was kneading itself into a comfortable position in the middle of the bedspread she’d washed for Mia. The window was wide open.
‘This can’t continue.’ She approached the cat and he eyed her suspiciously. ‘Look, I like you, truly. But you stink like something radioactive.’ She scooped him up, put him out on the roof, and closed the window, double-checking it. She gagged as she smelled the doona. She was going to have to face the laundry after all. She stripped the cover, lugged it downstairs, dumped it at the laundry door, and returned to her coffee pot.
Finally, mug in hand, she stepped out onto the veranda and into the cool of the morning. The landscape was glistening due to the appearance of the sun, and the property looked bright, cheerful. If David had been alive, she might have enjoyed coming out here with him, running a second business here.
Or would he have left that job to his mistress?
Their marriage had not exactly been a fairy tale. It was so easy to remember the good times: David’s easy smile; the way he’d sling an arm around her while they walked; their shared interests; fun conversations; the look that told her she was the only woman in the world. Even if she wasn’t.
Had she found him that night with Ellie Dawson and had he survived, it would have been the end. Before that night she’d been weak enough to ignore her suspicions, but she could never have lived with the knowledge, because to see him with the one would have confirmed, in her mind, all the others. And this place never would have been theirs, even though now, ironically, it was all hers.
It occurred to her that Ellie had lived out this way. David had met her out here. Would she run into Ellie’s family? Friends? The chances were unfortunately good. Maybe Clint knew them. That would explain his dislike of David.
The puppy flopped down beside her and rested her chin on Ally’s leg. Bess joined them and stretched out on her other side with a heavy sigh. The eyes she turned up to Ally looked old and sad, so she stroked Bess’s head while she cuddled the puppy close. ‘You miss her, don’t you? Sometimes, they’re just gone, and they can’t come back no matter how much we want them to. It hurts, the ache never really goes away, but you have to live with it. You can’t curl up and die with them, you just can’t. But I’ll make sure you’re okay. You don’t have to worry.’ Bess’s sigh seemed to carry relief. ‘I’ll even feed you all. Somehow.’ Her gaze moved to the shed. Anxiety clawed at her. ‘Ready to get started?’
It took her fifteen minutes to open the shed door. Then she leant against the frame for another ten, staring at the contents. The flashback didn’t come, but she recognised the warning signs: a cold sweat had broken out, a band of iron was slowly constricting her chest. So she did her exercises, didn’t push herself through the doors, and slowly, the worst of the symptoms got a little easier to face.
There were a dozen bags of feed propped up against the wall. No, not today. She wasn’t mixing feeds. There was plenty of hay. If she could just throw everything some hay and let the chickens out to forage, that would do. That would be a start. She spotted the wheelbarrow. All she had to do was put a bale of hay on that wheelbarrow.
Sure. Okay. No problem. Breathe, focus, relax.
A breeze whistled through the shed and the sweet smell of lucerne hay wafted past her. The memory of the flashback, of the hallucination of David watching her with that strange stare, almost took her legs out from under her. The world tilted so she sat and, with trembling fingers, dug out her mobile phone.
‘Mia, it’s me.’
‘Ally. What’s wrong?’
‘How do you get that from three words? I’m okay. What are you up to today?’
As Mia began talking, Ally refocused. All she had to do was get the hay in the wheelbarrow. Get in, get out.
‘… so I’m all set to do the follow-up fashion shoot when Adam decides he’s taking it.’
‘Adam pinched your shoot?’ When she was sure she had her mission straight in her head, she stepped inside.
‘Yes, because he’s the boss, so what did I do?’
Ally picked up the wheelbarrow. Kept breathing.
Mia had gone silent. What had happened? Mia, Adam … shoot. Right. ‘Oh hell, Mia, I can just imagine. Did he require hospitalisation?’
‘I just told him what I thought of him. Really told him. I’m surprised he didn’t fire me on the spot.’
Concentrating on Mia’s drama, Ally lifted the bale of hay into the wheelbarrow. Its prickly dry stalks scratched at her fingers, the baling twine cutting sharply due to the bale’s weight. She’d lifted hundreds of bales, but not for a long time. Her hands were getting soft. She tried not to notice that as she picked up a nearby knife and sliced the twine. The bale, once free of its ties, popped open and filled the space in the barrow.
Breathe, focus, relax.
Mission accomplished, she wheeled the barrow outside. Safely back in the open air, she sank onto the grass, ignoring the dampness seeping into her jeans, while Chester appeared and started attackin
g the bale, dragging out long strands and chewing in her ear. She gave herself a moment, almost managed a smile.
‘I did it.’
‘Huh?’
‘Sorry, Mia. He didn’t fire you?’
‘No. What did you do?’
‘I put a bale of hay on a wheelbarrow.’
‘Well. Okay. Why?’
‘Because I have a farm full of animals to feed.’
‘What? Are you all right?’
‘So far. When my legs work again, I’ll give said hay to the cows, the pigs and the – Violet. Chester’s helping himself. I should feed the chickens but then I’d have to go back in the shed. I don’t want to face the grain.’ She dragged in a breath and laughed, and even to her own ears, it sounded a little hysterical. ‘I know how that sounds. I’m frightened of a bag of wheat. Ha.’
‘Hey, Ally – Ally. Do your breathing exercises.’
‘I am. I did them yesterday. It didn’t make any difference. But I’m okay today. I just needed something to take my mind off it. Can you keep talking?’
‘Yes. You did? I should be there. Screw Adam. I’ll come today.’
‘No, Mia, I’m fine. I just have to do this bit.’ She got to her feet and pulled at the wet jeans clinging to her skin. She dropped a small biscuit of hay on the ground for the goat and, pinning the phone between her ear and her shoulder, headed awkwardly towards the cows. Mia’s voice was drowned out by the noise they made.
‘I have to put the phone down. Hold on.’ She dropped the phone and scattered half the bale over the fence, then picked up the phone again and went to the pigs. The large white sow and spotted piglets made almost as much noise as the cattle.
‘Hey, Mia, do you happen to know if pigs eat hay?’
‘How would I know? The only pig I have to deal with is Adam. I can ask him if you like.’
Ally pictured Mia’s boss with a snout and curly tail and giggled. ‘I love you, Mia.’
‘Ditto. Tell me about the house.’
She concentrated on everything but the job she was doing. She talked about the house – about freezing cold showers, about the window that wouldn’t stay shut. She talked about the massive amount of cleaning involved and whether or not Mia thought it might be worth doing some renovations before selling. Before Ally knew it, there was only one thing left to do.
She lost the strength in her arms and leant on the wheelbarrow handles, staring up at the drive. ‘Oh God, Violet.’
‘What is Violet?’
‘Stock horse. Old. In the cattle yards.’
‘Oh … okay. Ally, don’t. This is not a good idea. You’ve done great. Surely there’s someone else around who can –’
‘There’s no one here. There was the neighbour – you know, “I’m Cameron William Blakely the third”? He offered to, but I’d rather face a panic attack than face him again. So it’s just me.’ She started slowly down the dirt road that led to the cattle yards.
‘Keep talking, Ally. Tell me about Cameron.’
‘Okay, um … the first thing you notice is he’s hot. My God, Mia, like fan-yourself-down hot. I did, in fact, fan myself down. He’s that hot. But he’s also an opinionated jerk, and though he has had a redeeming moment or two, I don’t think we’re going to get along because one, he thinks I’m some suicidal drug addict and two, he thinks it’s his right to wander into my house whenever he feels like it and take messages. And he got the wrong one – message, I mean. At least, he got it the wrong way around. So he was pissed off because he thought I’d lied to him, and then he told me I was low for – ready? – upsetting Mavis. So of course, I was very, very rude. Not as rude as you, I just don’t know all those good insults, but rude enough.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Okay, I’ve rambled myself most of the way here.’
The horse was still several metres ahead. She watched it from a distance, focusing on her breathing exercises, fighting the sounds echoing in her mind, fighting the images threatening to swamp her. She’d known this was coming.
‘Ally?’
‘Yeah, I’m just – she’s so old, Mia. She has a dull chestnut coat, and a flaxen mane and tail, and lots of grey hairs. Looks wormy.’ She talked as she assessed, and Mia remained quiet. Ally could see the signs of age around Violet’s eyes and muzzle, and in the dip of her back. Her movements were stilted – something was wrong. Ally concentrated on the symptoms rather than the horse, ran through them on the phone. It was easier. Stiffness in the joints, some swelling. She needed better feeding; she was too thin. Mavis had said she’d foundered, she’d been taken off the grass on purpose. That would make sense. But still … Her teeth might need doing; was her worming up to date? These were questions she should have asked Mavis. The horse would have to be seen to. But that meant Ally would have to handle the horse. Her stomach lurched violently enough to make her retch.
‘Ally, you don’t sound good. Walk away.’
Eyes watering, she focused on the grass as the world shifted under her feet. ‘I have to feed her.’
‘Then throw a biscuit of hay at her and leave.’
‘Okay.’ The muscles in her stomach cramped again. A pain shot across her chest. And I have to do it without going into a full-blown attack.
‘Tell me how you went with Mavis.’
‘Um … being sick hasn’t mellowed her much.’ Violet took a stiff step towards Ally as she approached. Hot tears sprung to Ally’s eyes.
‘What did she want? Ally?’
‘She told me that if I don’t follow her rules, the devil is going to get me.’ She moved unsteadily to the fence, tossed some hay over.
‘Breathe. Are you breathing?’
‘Yes. Um, I need to keep everything exactly as is, and I’m not allowed to sell. I need to keep away from the gates of hell.’
‘I’ll bring down a supply of holy water. Is it still holy if you pinch it from the church?’
Ally managed a laugh. ‘Not sure.’
‘You did it?’
‘Yeah.’ She swiped unsteadily at her tear-streaked cheeks. ‘I fed the horse.’
‘Good, that … really is amazing. Ally, I’m so proud of you. Go inside now, have a rest, watch TV, do something easy.’
‘I’m fine, Mia. I’ll do all those things and talk to you later.’
‘I’ll call you tonight.’
She was still trembling when she reached the front door. She wanted to run inside, to take a pill. To stop feeling it. But the shame of yesterday’s crash held her back. Because her knees felt like jelly, she sank into the chair on the veranda, closed her eyes and absorbed the sounds of the farm. Bess ambled over, so Ally absently gave her a pat. She’d done it. It didn’t matter that she was a mess.
The smile that made its way across her face was huge. She’d done it.
‘And if I have to, I’ll do it again,’ she told Bess. Pleased with herself, she thought about what had to happen next. ‘I have to find a supermarket, and talk to Clint.’
The town was busiest at this time of day. The takeaway and the pretty little café on the main street were crowded, mostly with women and children. Ally smiled at a couple of very wet toddlers paddling and splashing in a small fountain outside the library as she parked at the supermarket nearby. Her smile slipped a little as she noticed that in contrast to the toddlers, their mothers looked anything but happy. One of them was chewing her nails as though nervous, the other met Ally’s gaze briefly, smiled flatly then dropped her gaze back to her plump little girl enjoying the water.
Ally went into the supermarket, noticing a few people gathered around posters on the window. Inching closer, she checked them out. Missing girls. They were all pretty, all young. One of the posters looked brand new and was the focus of the solemn group’s attention. Three girls going missing in a town this size? She shuddered. Strange.
Feeling uncomfortable, she moved away and began loading her trolley with groceries. She planned on doing some cooking for Mia. And she’d run out of cleaning supplies and needed some batteries. As sh
e passed the frozen section, she spotted ice cream. She thought about it, decided to spoil herself. She was just reaching for it when she heard Clint’s greeting.
‘Hi Alissa.’
Feeling ridiculously guilty, she dropped her hand and smiled. ‘Hi Clint, how are you?’
‘Can’t complain.’ He moved his own trolley out of the way of the other shoppers. ‘How’s it all going out there?’
‘Okay, but I was actually going to call in at the servo and talk to you about getting in touch with Lee.’
‘House problems?’
‘Hot water problems.’
‘I’ll let him know to drop by. I’m just here to get some cold drinks for the volunteers. They’ve been out most of the day.’
‘Volunteers?’
‘Another local girl went missing last night. Looks like she’s hitched out of town, but there’s a bit of a search going on, just in case she hasn’t. Didn’t you see the fellas out your way as you drove in?’
‘Um, I think I did see something going on, but I didn’t pay much attention. I noticed people looking at the posters in the window as I came in, though.’
‘This latest one – Tara … You wouldn’t happen to have seen her would you? Twenty-one, about your height, long brown hair? Her car was found on the road not far from your place.’
Not far from my place? ‘No, sorry, I haven’t. I hope she’s okay.’
‘So do I. It’s bound to make you feel a bit jumpy, out there by yourself. Course, Cam’s just up the hill if you need anything.’
‘Hmm. Actually, you wouldn’t happen to know where I could find Gus, would you?’
‘Right next door. It’s a way up the road, but it’s the driveway after yours. He’s out helping us today.’
‘Is he, um … I mean, do you think he’d mind if I called in at some stage? I wanted to talk to him about Mavis’s animals.’
‘I’m sure he’d love the company. Nice old fella. Friend of mine.’
‘That’s good to know, thanks.’
‘I’d best keep going, got to get back out there.’ He moved his trolley out of the way of hers, grinned. ‘Don’t forget your ice cream.’