by Yu Hua
After hearing that, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I looked down at his drooping pants and saw some blades of grass there. He also laughed, happy that I got his joke. Then he turned around and called out to his ox, “Fugui.”
The ox had emerged from the water and was eating the grass beside the pond. He stood under a pair of willow trees. The willow branches extending over his back had lost their perpendicular quality and appeared disorderly and crooked. Brushing against the ox’s back, a few leaves floated slowly to the ground. The old man called out again, “Fugui.”
The ox’s rump looked like a big rock as he slowly moved back into the water, and then his head reappeared, breaking through the willow branches. His two round eyes leisurely turned to look at us, and the old man told him, “Jiazhen and the rest of them have already started working. You’ve rested enough. I know you haven’t eaten your fill, but who told you to stay in the water so long?”
Fugui led the ox to the irrigated field, and while he was hooking up the plow he said to me, “When oxen get old, they’re just like old men. When they are hungry they’ve got to rest for a while so they have energy to eat.”
I sat back down under the shade of the tree. Putting my backpack behind me, I leaned up against the tree and used my straw hat as a fan. Long flaps of skin on the ox’s stomach were sagging; as he moved the plow, his stomach was like a big water balloon, with the water sloshing around inside. I noticed Fugui’s pants hanging down, which looked just like the skin on the ox’s stomach.
That day I sat in the shade of the tree until dusk fell. I didn’t leave because Fugui’s story wasn’t finished.
Those years after I returned home were difficult, but I guess you could say they went smoothly. Fengxia and Youqing got bigger by the day, and me, I got older and older. I didn’t really notice, and neither did Jiazhen. I just felt like I didn’t have as much energy as I used to. Then one day when I was carrying a load of vegetables into town, a friend called out to me as I passed the old silk shop, “Fugui, your hair’s turned all gray.”
It had only been six months since I’d last seen him. As soon as he said that I began to feel really old. When I got home I looked Jiazhen up and down. She didn’t know what was going on. She lowered her head to look herself over, and looked behind her, and finally asked, “What are you looking at?”
I laughed as I told her, “Your hair’s gray, too.”
That year Fengxia turned seventeen, and she began to look like a woman. If she hadn’t been deaf and mute, people would have already been knocking on our door with marriage proposals. All the people in the village said Fengxia had grown up into a pretty young woman; she looked almost the same as Jiazhen had when she was young. Youqing was twelve years old and was going to elementary school in town.
Some years earlier, Jiazhen and I had hesitated about whether or not we should send Youqing to school—we simply didn’t have the money. At the time Fengxia was only twelve or thirteen, and although she could help Jiazhen and me with some work in the field and around the house, she was still dependent on us. Jiazhen and I discussed whether we should just give her to someone else and be done with it. That way we could save some extra money for Youqing to go to school. Even though Fengxia was deaf and mute, she was smart. As soon as Jiazhen and I started discussing giving her away, Fengxia would come over and stare at us. Her two eyes would blink and our hearts would want to break, and we wouldn’t bring it up again for a couple of days.
But seeing Youqing getting closer and closer to school age, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had some of the people in the village ask around to see if anyone was willing to raise a twelve-year-old girl. I told Jiazhen, “If a good family wants her, Fengxia will have an even better life than she has now.”
Jiazhen nodded, but her tears still fell. A mother’s heart is always a bit soft. I tried to convince Jiazhen to be a little more open-minded. Fate had dealt Fengxia a cruel hand, and I was afraid that in this life she was going to suffer the worst. But Youqing shouldn’t suffer all his life—only if we let him go to school would he have a good future. We couldn’t allow the kids to be set back by poverty. At least one of them should be able to have a better life one day.
The people in the village who had asked around about Fengxia came back saying she was a little too old; had she been a year younger there would have been a lot of families interested. Hearing that, we pretty much gave up on that idea. We never expected that a month later two different families would send messages saying they wanted our Fengxia. One family wanted her for their daughter, the other wanted her to look after an old couple. Jiazhen and I both thought that the family without a daughter was better. If they took Fengxia as their daughter they would love her and care for her more than the elderly couple would. We sent a verbal message for them to come take a look. The couple came, and after seeing Fengxia they really liked her, but as soon as they learned she couldn’t speak they changed their minds. The husband said, “She looks good, but . . .”
Without finishing they politely left. Jiazhen and I had no choice but to let the other family take Fengxia. The other family didn’t care whether or not Fengxia could speak, just as long as she would work hard.
The day they came to take Fengxia away I was carrying my hoe, getting ready to go out to the field, and she immediately grabbed a basket and sickle to go with me. For years, whenever I went out to work in the field, Fengxia would always be by my side cutting grass; I had grown accustomed to having her with me. That day, when I saw her following me, I pushed her away so she would go back. She looked at me with her wide eyes. I put down my hoe and pulled her back to the hut. I took the basket and sickle out of her hands and threw them in the corner. She was still looking at me with her large eyes, not knowing that we had given her away. When Jiazhen gave her a crimson outfit to change into, she no longer looked at me, but just lowered her head and let Jiazhen help her change clothes. That outfit was made from the material of Jiazhen’s old cheongsam. As Jiazhen buttoned her up, Fengxia’s tears fell one by one onto her leg. Fengxia knew she was going to leave. I took my hoe and walked out. When I got to the door I said to Jiazhen, “I’m going out to the field. When they come to get Fengxia, you just let her go. Don’t come looking for me.”
When I got to the field, I took my hoe in hand and tried to get to work, but I just couldn’t get my energy up. Looking around and not seeing Fengxia there cutting the grass made me feel empty inside. Realizing that I would no longer have Fengxia there next to me as I worked the field, I could hardly stand it. I felt like all my energy had drained away. It was then that I saw Fengxia standing on the ridge, with a fifty-year-old man beside her holding her hand. Fengxia’s tears flowed down her face; she cried so hard that her body began to shake. Fengxia’s tears were silent. From time to time she’d raise her hand to wipe her eyes, and I knew she was doing it so she could see her daddy clearly. The man smiled to me and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”
Finishing his sentence, he tugged Fengxia away, and she left with him. As Fengxia’s hand was being pulled away, she kept her body twisted in my direction, so she could keep looking at me. Fengxia walked farther and farther away until I could no longer see her eyes, and after a while I couldn’t even see her arms, which she kept raising to wipe the tears from her eyes. By then I couldn’t take it—with my head cocked to one side, the tears began to fall. When Jiazhen came by I blamed her. “I told you not to let them come over. I told you not to let them come see me.”
Jiazhen said, “It wasn’t me. Fengxia wanted to see you.”
After Fengxia left, Youqing stopped listening to us. When Fengxia was taken away, Youqing just watched, not knowing what was going on. Only after Fengxia had gotten far away did Youqing scratch his head and slowly make his way home. I saw him looking over at me a few times, but he didn’t come over to ask what was going on. When he was still in Jiazhen’s stomach I had hit him, so he was scared of me.
Without Fengxia at the
table during lunchtime, Youqing took two bites and refused to eat any more. His eyes moved back and forth from Jiazhen to me. Jiazhen said to him, “Hurry up and eat.”
He shook his little head, asking his mom, “And Sis?”
As soon as Jiazhen heard him she lowered her head and said, “You hurry up and eat.”
This little fellow put his chopsticks right down and loudly demanded that his mother tell him. “When is Sis coming back?”
I was already a mess with Fengxia leaving. When I saw Youqing going on like this, I hit the table and said, “Fengxia’s not coming back.”
Youqing was so scared his body shook. Then, seeing that I hadn’t really lost my temper, he twisted his mouth, lowered his head and said, “I want Sis.”
Jiazhen told him we had given Fengxia away to somebody else to save money so he could go to school. Hearing that Fengxia had been given away, Youqing opened his mouth and began wailing. He screamed through his tears, “I’m not going to school, I want Sis!”
I just ignored him, thinking, if he wants to cry then let him cry. I didn’t expect him to start up again: “I’m not going to school!”
His whining was starting to make me crazy. I yelled at him, “What the hell are you crying about?”
Youqing was terrified, and his body recoiled. When he saw me lower my head and go back to eating, he got up from his stool and walked over to the corner. Suddenly he screamed out again, “I want Sis!”
This time there would be no getting around a beating. I grabbed the broom from behind the door, walked over to him and said, “Turn around.”
Youqing looked at Jiazhen and obediently turned around with his two hands resting against the wall. I said, “Take off your pants.”
Youqing turned his head to look at Jiazhen, then after undoing his pants he turned around again to look at her. Seeing that his mom didn’t come to stop me, he got scared. As I raised the broom he timidly pleaded, “Daddy, please don’t hit me.”
His words made my heart go soft. Youqing hadn’t really done anything wrong. Fengxia had taken care of him since he was little. He and his sister had always been close, and it was only natural for him to miss her. I patted him on the head and said, “Hurry up and eat.”
Two months later, it came time for Youqing to go to school. The day Fengxia was taken away she wore a set of nice clothes, but when Youqing went to school he still had nothing but rags. As his mother, Jiazhen couldn’t help but feel terribly upset. She squatted down before him and tried to fix his clothes, pulling them here and patting them there.
“He doesn’t have a single nice outfit,” she said to me.
Who would have guessed that Youqing would now start up again? “I’m not going to school.”
Two months had already passed, and I thought he’d forgotten what had happened with Fengxia. But when the day came for him to go to school, he started up all over again. This time I didn’t lose my temper. I just patiently explained to him that we had given Fengxia away so he could have an opportunity to go to school, and only if he studied hard could he make it up to his sister. Youqing stubbornly stood up and raised his head.
“I’m not going!” he insisted.
“Is your ass getting itchy?” I asked him.
He turned right around and stomped inside. After entering the room, he yelled, “Even if you beat me to death I won’t go!”
I thought, this kid must really want a beating. And so, broom in hand, I followed him in. Jiazhen stopped me.
“Not too hard, just scare him a little bit,” she whispered. “Don’t really beat him.”
When I walked in, Youqing was already lying on the bed with his pants pulled down to his thighs, exposing his little bottom. He was waiting for me to do it. But seeing him like that, I couldn’t bring myself to hit him. I thought I’d try to persuade him with words first. “There’s still time if you change your mind and agree to go.”
He sharply cried out, “I want Sis!”
I aimed at his butt and hit him once, but he just clasped his head and said, “It doesn’t hurt!”
I hit him again, but he still said, “It doesn’t hurt!”
Youqing was forcing me to lay into him. He was really pissing me off. I hit him with all my strength, and this time he couldn’t take it. He started wailing like a baby, but I didn’t care—I hit him again with all my strength. But Youqing was, after all, still a kid, and before long he really couldn’t take it. He begged me, “Daddy, please don’t hit me. I’ll go to school.”
Youqing was always a good kid. When he came home from his first day of school, he trembled as soon as he saw me. I thought he was still scared because I had hit him that morning. I tried getting him to warm up to me by asking how he liked school, but he just lowered his head and softly grunted. While we were eating he looked utterly terrified whenever he raised his face to look at me, which made me feel terrible. I regretted that I had hit him so hard that morning. When we were almost finished eating, Youqing called out to me, “Dad.”
After a pause, Youqing continued, “My teacher wanted me to tell you that he criticized me today. He said that I can’t sit still and that I’m not studious.”
As soon as I heard that, my temper flared. We had given Fengxia away and he still didn’t study hard. I slammed my bowl down on the table, and he started to cry. Through his tears he said, “Dad, please don’t hit me. It was because my butt hurt that I couldn’t sit still.”
I quickly pulled down his pants to look. His bottom was all black-and-blue from my hitting him that morning. How could anyone be expected to sit still with a bruised bottom like that? Seeing my son trembling made my heart break and my eyes well up.
A few months after Fengxia was taken away, she came running back. She returned in the middle of the night. Jiazhen and I were both in bed when we heard someone knocking on the door. First she knocked very lightly, but after a while she knocked a couple more times. I wondered who it could be so late. I crawled out of bed, and when I opened the door I saw Fengxia standing there. In my surprise I forgot that she was deaf and quickly said, “Fengxia, hurry up and come in.”
As soon as Jiazhen heard me she jumped right out of bed and ran over to the door without even putting on her shoes. The second I pulled Fengxia inside, Jiazhen, in tears, embraced her. I gave her a little push so she wouldn’t go on like that.
Fengxia’s hair and clothes were soaked from the dew. We brought her over to the bed so she could sit down. She pulled my sleeve with one hand and Jiazhen’s clothes with the other. Her body trembled, as she was choked with tears. Jiazhen wanted to fetch a fresh towel to dry Fengxia’s hair, but Fengxia wouldn’t loosen her grip on Jiazhen’s clothes. Jiazhen had to settle for caressing her daughter’s hair with her hands. Only after a long time did Fengxia finally stop crying and relax her grip on us. We took our hands back and looked her over. We wanted to see whether that family had worked her like an animal. After looking her over carefully we couldn’t really tell; she’d already had those thick calluses on her hands before she left. Only after I looked again at her face and saw there were no marks or scars did I feel a bit at ease.
After Fengxia’s hair was dry, Jiazhen helped her out of her clothes and let her go sleep with Youqing. When Fengxia lay down she looked at her sleeping brother for a while and secretly smiled; only then did she close her eyes and go to sleep. When Youqing turned over he put his hand on Fengxia’s mouth and it looked as if he was slapping his sister in the face. After Fengxia fell asleep she looked like a motionless little cat, quiet and good.
When Youqing woke up in the morning and saw his sister, he frantically rubbed his eyes and took a second look to see if it was really Fengxia. Before he even put on his clothes he leaped out of bed and yelled, “Sis! Sis!”
Youqing had the giggles all morning long. Jiazhen told him to hurry up and eat; he still had to get to school. As soon as he heard this he stopped smiling; he stole a glance at me and quietly asked Jiazhen, “Is it okay if I don’t go today?”
/> “No way,” I said.
He didn’t dare say anything else, but as he put on his backpack to go out the door he stamped his foot a few times in anger. Then, fearing I’d lose my temper, he quickly scurried off. After Youqing left, I had Jiazhen prepare a set of clean clothes to send Fengxia back in. When I turned around there was Fengxia holding a basket and sickle, waiting for me by the door. Seeing the pleading look in Fengxia’s eyes, I didn’t have the heart to send her back. I turned to Jiazhen, and it seemed as if her eyes were pleading with me also.
“Let’s let Fengxia stay another day,” I said to her.
After dinner I took Fengxia back. She didn’t cry; she just sadly gazed at her mother and then her little brother. Then, holding on to my sleeve, she walked back with me. Youqing was behind us crying and making a scene, but since Fengxia couldn’t hear anyway, I just ignored him.
That trip was really difficult. I wouldn’t let myself look at Fengxia; I just kept walking forward. We walked until it got dark, with the wind blowing against my face and down my neck. Fengxia continued holding on to my sleeve with both hands and didn’t make a sound. After nightfall, she stumbled on some rocks and fell over. I squatted down to rub her feet, and she placed her two hands around my neck. Her hands were so cold—they were almost lifeless. I carried Fengxia the last part of the way. We got to town, and, seeing we were getting close to that family’s house, I stopped under a streetlight, put Fengxia down and looked her over again. Fengxia was a good kid, and even then she didn’t cry. She just opened her eyes up wide and looked at me. I extended my arm to caress her face, and she also caressed mine. As soon as I felt her touch my face, I was no longer willing to see her off to that family. I picked Fengxia up and carried her back home, her tiny arms holding on to my neck. Part of the way home she suddenly hugged me with all her strength. She knew I was taking her home.
Seeing us arrive home, Jiazhen looked shocked. I said, “I’m not sending Fengxia back, even if it means our whole family has to starve to death.”