Only Me

by Vivian Ward

  I laugh, “Yeah, Brittany was her name.”

  “Here you go,” the waitress says, placing our milkshakes in front of us. “Will there be anything else?”

  “No, thank you. We’re good,” I reply. Once she’s out of ear shot, I turn my attention back to Toni. “Yeah, for a while that was the only type of girl I’d date. You know the kind? The ones who can’t make any decisions, who are always waiting for you to tell them what to do, the kind who always need your approval.”

  “The kind with daddy issues?” she asks.

  “Pretty much,” I suck some of my chocolate shake through the straw.

  “Why? When we were together, you hated when I couldn’t make up my mind or do something without you.”

  What she’s saying is completely true, but the reason why I only dated girls with daddy issues was so that I could control them and not get hurt. When Toni and I were together, she was so strong and independent and when she single handedly decided to destroy our child and our future together, it was something that I couldn’t let go of back then. I was too thick headed to understand her reasoning behind it, but now I see that she graduated college, she got her business degree and now she’s finally making something for herself.

  “It was just a phase,” I answer. “How about you? What kind of guys interests you these days?”

  She shrugs and laughs, “Assholes? It seems like that was all that I dated.”

  “Awww, I’m sorry to hear that,” I say sarcastically.

  “Haha!” she mocks me. “I bet.”

  As we’re sitting in the booth talking, I hear someone shout my name.

  “LUCAS! What are you doing here with her?”

  Oh, shit. It’s Alica. How did she know we’d be here?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Toni

  The look on Alicia’s face is enough to burn a hole straight through Lucas. As she approaches our table, her glaring stare focuses directly on him.

  “Hi, Alicia. You remember Toni from the AA meetings?”

  Looking at me, she purses her lips as though she’s not impressed before turning her glance back at him.

  “Yes, I remember her. She’s your ex girlfriend, the one you never got over. Why are you here with her?”

  I’m shocked that she knows who I am. Does he talk about me? If so, what does he tell people? What must they think? For the first time in my life, I’m worried about what he could’ve said about me—in private, to someone I don’t even know. He holds up his glass.

  “We came for milkshakes. What are you doing here?”

  It’s a stare-off between the two of them before she firmly plants her hands on her hips and begins talking through gritted teeth. “Since you ditched me this weekend, I didn’t have anything else to do so I thought I’d order takeout. The last thing I thought was that I’d find you here with….her.”

  Oh, hell no. What does she mean by that? I find myself suddenly on the defense. We’ve not done anything wrong, and what does she mean calling me ‘her’ like that?

  People are beginning to stare and it’s quickly becoming awkward. I hate it when people make public scenes, but apparently Alicia doesn’t mind one bit with the way she continues raising her voice.

  “Stop it, Alicia,” he warns her. “You’re making a scene and people are starting to stare. We’ll talk about it later.”

  Her mouth pops open as her eyes light up. “Wait a minute, I get it now. Is this who you’ve been ‘helping’ all day? The ‘friend’ you told me about? I thought you were with a guy.”

  Lucas looks at me and shrugs. “Yes, this is my friend and yes, I’ve been helping her. She bought the laundromat off of Grand and Gravois, and I’ve been helping her fix it up.”

  “Well, it’s nice to know you’d ditch me for an alcoholic, Lucas. What other secrets do you have that I don’t know about?”

  “Go home, Alicia. I said we’ll talk about this later,” he firmly says, not taking anymore of her shit.

  “No, Lucas, I think we’ll talk about it now. Scoot over,” she says, weaseling her way into the booth beside him.

  I can see he’s annoyed and irritated by her, but I try to keep my cool even though I really want to deck her. She has no right coming to us like this but at the same time, I kind of understand where she’s coming from since she’s liked him for a while now. I know what it’s like to want something—someone—you can’t have.

  “So, tell me,” she looks at me. “Is he your new fuck buddy, too? Or are you better than me?”

  I’m about to open my mouth to give her a piece of my mind when Lucas smacks the table, turning both of our attention to him. “Damn it, Alicia. I said stop. I’ve been up front with you from the beginning and said that I didn’t want to get into a relationship with you, but you won’t take no for an answer. You need to leave. Now.”

  “No, it’s okay, Lucas,” I say. “I’ll answer her questions.” I look her right in the eye and speak very slowly because I want her to know that she won’t be fucking with Lucas or me; not now, not ever. “We are not fuck buddies. We happen to be very close. I needed his help this weekend, and not only did he come, but he brought his friends to help out. He saved my ass this weekend and I will not allow you to disrespect Lucas or me. I’d suggest you get your ass out of this booth before I pull you out myself. Do you understand?”

  She tilts her head back and cackles. “Girl, please. I’m not afraid of some washed up alcoholic who’s dependent on AA meetings. You can take your ass somewhere else.” She turns her glance back to Lucas. “Come on, Lucas, we’re going home.”

  He looks at me with a sly grin. “No, Alicia, you’re going home. If I were you, I’d take Toni’s advice and get up and leave before you’re thrown out of here on your ass.”

  She totally hates that he’s siding with me, but she realizes that neither of us are budging. Flipping her hair over her shoulder with a huff, she gets up from the booth. “Good luck with your new business, bitch! And Lucas? Good luck finishing those AA meetings. Your sorry ass needs them. I know about the beers you snuck after your first meeting.” She casts her glance back at me. “Bet you didn’t know he was a closet drinker when he thinks no one’s looking, did you?”

  With that, she leaves the table before walking over to the counter to get her takeout as she continues to glare at us. Neither of us speak a single word until she’s gone.

  “I’m sorry about that,” he apologizes. “She’s a control freak and when she doesn’t get her way, she gets pissed. Like I said, it’s one of the reasons why we could never be a thing.”

  I’m still concerned with the fact that he was secretly drinking and wonder if maybe he still is. She’s been in his life more recently than I have, so she probably knows a lot more about him than I do.

  “Is it true?” I ask.

  “Is what true?”

  “She said that you were secretly drinking after your first AA meeting. Did you do it?”

  He hangs his head in shame. “Yeah, I did. It was too much too fast. The meeting, seeing you, not talking to you. I didn’t know what else to do, so I had a few beers. I didn’t get drunk or anything. It was just enough to take the edge off.”

  “That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. You can’t justify closet drinking with the fact that you didn’t get drunk and had just enough to take the edge off. Lucas, do you really want to straighten up?”

  He doesn’t answer for a minute while he pretends to suck down more of his shake. “I do,” he finally replies. “I know I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. With you in my life, I don’t think about it at all. It’s weird, I can’t explain it.”

  “Well, I can’t be your sponsor because it’s a one-way street, but I think you should find one.” Frowning, I continue. “Lucas, I’ve had a blast with you the last couple of days. It’s been like a walk down memory lane—when it was good, but what if I’m not here all the time? What if we—,” I don’t finish my sentence because I’m afraid to say it. I don’t want to know wh
at he thinks about us, unless it’s good. Then I can handle it.

  “What if we don’t what? Get back together? Is that what you want? Because Toni, I swear to God that if that’s what you want, I’ll put everything I’ve got into it but we’ve got to be honest with each other about everything—including our feelings.”

  Biting my lip, I don’t know how to answer him. I’d love for us to be back together, but we’ve both been self-destructive for years and we need time to heal together before either of us can commit to something like what we used to have.

  “Honesty, Toni. Remember that. Okay? Just tell me what you want.”

  “I’d like for us to be back together, Lucas, but I think we have our work cut out for us.”

  “I’m willing to work on it if you are,” he reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “Toni, I never stopped loving you. Not for one day or one minute. I’ll give you everything I’ve got, but you have to be willing to work with me on this.”

  Grabbing my purse from beside me, I say, “Come on, let’s get out of here. There’s something I want to show you.”

  “What is it?” He asks. “Where are we going?” He quickly throws a twenty on the table to cover the shakes, leaving more than enough for a tip.

  “You’ll see. I don’t want to ruin it, you just have to trust me on this one.”

  “Can I at least have a hint?”

  “We’re going back to my place. Do you know where I live?”

  He shakes his head, “No, but I guess I’m about to find out.”

  Laughing, I grab his arm and pull him through the restaurant. He needs to see how much he means to me and how much I love him because words alone aren’t enough to express what kind of effect this man has on me.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Lucas

  Walking inside of her apartment, I can’t believe how familiar her place smells. I’d almost forgotten the lavender scent that hits you as soon as you walk in the door, but it’s still here after all these years.

  “I want to show you something,” she says, hanging her coat and purse on the coatrack. “Make yourself at home. It might take me a few minutes to find it.”

  “Okay,” I slide off my coat and hang it next to hers. Looking around her living room, I realize that nothing much has changed about her. She still has hand-painted oil canvases of flowery pictures hanging on the walls, and various pictures of her family.

  There are a few new things, though. Staring right at me is her business degree and a picture of her in her cap and gown. She looked so beautiful that day. I wish I could’ve been there for her. There’s also a floral duffle bag sitting beside the couch, stuffed with yarn and metal hooks of some type. It looks like something a grandmother would have.

  “I’m back,” she sings as she rejoins me in the living room. “Have a seat because this is something that I’ve never shown anyone and I don’t know if I’m ready to share it yet, but I figured if I did, you’re the perfect person.”

  Sitting on the couch, she sits right beside me and curls her legs under her. “What is it?” I ask, trying to steal a peek at the sheet of papers that she’s holding.

  She swallows hard before explaining what the papers are. “When I was working the steps, I wrote this. It’s a letter to you, but I never gave it to you because,” her voice trails off for a second and it looks like she might cry. “I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted you to see it.”

  “It’s okay, you don’t have to show it to me,” I say, stroking her hair away from her face. “I don’t want to see you upset.”

  “I know,” she wipes away a tear. “But I want you to read this. I think you should so you know exactly how I feel.”

  Handing me the paper, I can tell that this is one of the most difficult things she’s done in a while but I’m glad that she wants to share it with me.

  Lucas,

  I don’t know where to start, but I do know that I miss you. My world has been turned upside down ever since you walked out of it and I’m lost without you. I know things didn’t work out how we’d planned, but I promise, there are better things to come for both of us. I’ve learned that the best thing you can do is take a negative and turn it into a positive. Losing you was my negative, and one day I hope to find the positive in that.

  I’m sorry for the past and I’m sorry that I lost you. If I had a crystal ball and could go back in time, I would’ve kept the baby if it meant keeping you. I swear that when you left for the last time, I literally saw my heart walking right out the door that night as you looked back at me before closing the door. It was the saddest expression—the way your eyes sparkled with tears, the way your lips were turned downward, and the way your shoulders slumped over. You looked so defeated, and it was all because of me.

  You were the perfect man, Lucas. You did everything for me, including being there when I went against your wishes and terminated the pregnancy. I was so lucky to have you, yet I don’t think I deserved you.

  No one is perfect—including me, and I’ve thought long and hard about my mistakes. I’m on the eighth step, which is making a list of all the people you’ve harmed and become willing to make amends with them. I don’t blame you for leaving, and I’m more than willing to make amends with you. God knows that’s all I want, which leads me to step nine. If I ever get the chance to talk to you in person, I promise, I will apologize and make it up to you if you give me the chance.

  I think the everything comes full circle and I know we’ll meet again someday, but for right now, I’ll save this letter for when the day comes.

  Love,

  Toni

  Drawing in a long, deep breath, I try my best to hold back my tears and not cry. I remember that night so well—the night that I left. Reading her letter made me re-live that night all over again. It’s something I could never forget.

  “I don’t think this is going to work,” I said after a long, heated debate.

  “Why, Lucas? Because I didn’t do what you wanted me to do? I told you, babe, I want to finish school. I want to get my future started before I start having babies. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I can’t look at you the same anymore; not after what you did.”

  I grabbed the last of my stuff and walked over to the door, despite the fact that she was begging me to stay. “Please, Lucas. We can work this out. Don’t leave.”

  “I’m sorry, Toni. I just can’t do it. I loved you, and the sad thing is, I probably always will.”

  Those were the last words that I said to her as I turned back and looked at her just before I shut the door. I can literally feel my heart ripping out of my chest all over again, but this time we are in a much better place than we were back then.

  “What did you think?” she says, biting her lip.

  She looks like she’s relieved that she gave it to me, but nervous as to what I’ll say. Her big, cocoa-colored eyes are staring up at me with hope and worry.

  “Come here,” I say, grinning and pull her onto my lap. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve had a lot of time to think and I forgave you a long time ago, but I didn’t know how to reach out to you. I didn’t know if it was too late.”

  “Lucas,” she purrs. “It was never too late. I’d been sitting around, hoping that you’d call or knock on the door, but you never did.”

  Pressing my lips against hers, I kiss her as if both of our lives depend on it and pull her close. Our hands begin to explore each other like we just met, but I still remember every curve of her beautiful body is etched into my heart and soul.

  Breaking our kiss, she stands up and stretches out her arm. “Follow me,” she says with a sweet smile on those sexy lips that I’ve missed kissing for the last six years.

  Leading us to her bedroom, I instantly drop to the ground and kneel between her legs. Reaching up, I undo her jeans and grab a hold of her waistband and panties, tugging them down as she kicks them off.

  “I’ve missed this so much,” I growl. �
�Let me taste you.”

  With one swift push, she bounces onto the bed as she giggles, and I immediately dive my head between her legs. She’s so wet and ready for me that I can taste every delicious drop, and I savor it. It’s been so long since I’ve tasted her, and my God, I’ve missed this.

  Reaching up while I trace her clit with my tongue, my hand slides under her shirt and I trace a pathway along her stomach until I reach her bra. Cupping her breast, I squeeze it before allowing my hand to go under the thin fabric. Her nipple is so hard and her moaning is so intense that it drives me insane.

  My cock is throbbing behind the zipper of my jeans, and as selfish as I want to be and just take her right this second—take what’s rightfully mine and belongs to me—I want to take my time and relish in this moment because we’ve both waited so long for this.

  Greedily, I lap up all of her juices as her hips buck against my face and I can’t get enough of her. Inserting a finger, I curve my finger like a hook and press the tip of it against her G-spot, forcing her to come all over my face as I continue tasting her sweet juices while her thighs clamp down and her entire lower body tightens.

  “Oh, my God. Stop, stop, stop,” she says, breathless as she pushes my head away, unable to take anymore.

  Smiling, I know I’ve done my job and allow her a few seconds of recovery time because what I’ve got planned is going to take quite a while. I’ve waited this long and I’m taking every fucking second that I want with her tonight.

  “My turn,” she says.

  She doesn’t waste any time unzipping my jeans and reaches straight for my cock. Springing out, it’s already fully erect and her eyes beam at it.

  “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” she whispers as she licks her lips and tucks her hair behind her ears as I stand at the edge of the bed.