by Claire Adams
When I got out of the shower, I had missed a call from Ian and the administrator’s office. I checked my voicemail, heart racing, and fearing the worst, only to have it confirmed. I had to meet Dean Scribbs in thirty minutes.
Shit!
I scrambled to find something that looked professional and was not in the least bit promiscuous. I was sure she was going to ask me if there was anything going on between Ian and me, which I would promptly deny. Problem solved.
When I strolled into the admin office about thirty seconds before nine, I knew something was up. The secretary and her student assistant were staring at me with strange but knowing looks. I hadn’t had time to call Ian back. I had barely managed to get here on time. I would call him as soon as I was done and apologize for missing his class this morning.
“Hi,” I said, walking up to the tall desk. “I’m here to see Dean Scribbs. I have an appointment at nine.”
The woman made a big show of looking at the clock before smirking. “She’s expecting you. Go right in.”
I considered saying something rude but held my tongue. I didn’t need to make my situation any worse than it was.
I knocked on the door. “Dean Scribbs, its Tessa McShane,” I said pushing it open.
“Good morning,” she said, standing, but not smiling. “Take a seat, please.”
I closed the door. I knew what was coming and wasn’t eager to have my shame and humiliation broadcast to the entire administration office.
I sat down, waiting to hear the words that would paint that giant scarlet A on my chest.
“Miss McShane,” she started, pulling out a file from under a stack of papers, “this is to inform you that you have been expelled from our institution, effective immediately.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t play coy, Miss McShane. Your relationship with a certain professor is not only inappropriate, but it violates our code of conduct rules. Expulsion is the consequence for openly and willingly going against a very basic rule,” she explained, in a high-pitched voice that felt like nails on a chalkboard.
“I don’t believe I did anything of the sort.”
She handed me the file. I opened it to see my expulsion paperwork. For reason, it listed a sexual relationship with one of my teachers.
“I’m sorry, but where is your proof?” I asked, not quite ready to admit to anything.
Her thin lips spread wide. “I don’t need proof.”
“Uh, I think you do. And, if you are suggesting my relationship with Professor Dunlap is inappropriate and violates your code of conduct, please show me where it states that in your rule book.” I sat back in my chair. “I’ll wait.”
She quickly highlighted a section on a piece of paper that had been included with my file. “Read it for yourself.”
I quickly scanned it. “I see you have outlined a section that forbids a relationship between a student and a professor. He is not my professor, and I am not one of his students. Therefore, your claims are invalid. I will not be expelled.”
“Yes, you are. It’s already done. Look at the paperwork, dear. You are no longer a student at this institution. Because the expulsion happened after the free add/drop week, you will not be receiving a refund on your tuition for the semester.”
I looked at her with rage and shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I said a little too loud. I was losing my cool. “Seriously? Your stupid little rule book says nothing about an assistant and a professor. I am NOT his student. This rule you are basing an expulsion on does not apply. Read it!” I shouted.
She smirked. It was a cold, ruthless contortion of her face that made me want to slap her. She was a cow. I decided at that moment that I hated her.
“I think you fail to see the point. It’s done. Get out.”
I shook my head, standing so I could stare down at her. “It isn’t done. It’s just starting. You will not steal my money nor my degree. You don’t have that kind of power.”
Another smirk followed by a shrug. “Actually, I do. Leave before I have security escort you off campus. Save yourself from any further embarrassment and go quietly. I think you have sullied your reputation enough.”
“What is your problem with me?” I asked, unable to believe how unprofessional the dean was acting towards me. She was acting more like a jealous girlfriend than a woman of a mature age in a position of authority.
She stood, raised her chin, her crow’s feet becoming more defined with her sneer. “I loathe women who seek to better their odds of success by bedding down with any man. It is deplorable. I would have thought in this day and age you young ladies would seek to better yourself with your minds—not your bodies.”
I had to laugh. The woman had no idea. She probably hadn’t been laid since sometime in the early sixties.
“This isn’t over, Dean Scribbs,” I said, walking out the door, refusing to show any shame. I wasn’t proud of my actions, but I was certainly not ashamed of myself. He wasn’t my professor, and I stood to gain nothing by going to bed with him.
I made my way to my car. I felt numb. I had sensed it was coming, but I never fully grasped what it meant. What it would mean for my future? My mom wasn’t wealthy and certainly couldn’t afford to pay for a full year of school. We only had another semester to pay for, and now, the dean was keeping the tuition, and I wouldn’t get the credits I’d paid for.
Did I dare call Ian? Not yet. I may say something I regret. This isn’t his fault. I pursued him. I showed up at his house. While I knew that, I still was feeling a little pissed. Home first, furious cleaning, and then I’ll call him.
I slammed my brakes on in the driveway, nearly careening into the house. The more I thought about everything, the madder I got.
When the phone rang, I considered tossing the phone into the wall. I checked the screen first; it was Ian.
“Hello,” I muttered, trying not to seethe.
“Tessa! Are you okay? Did the dean talk to you?”
I groaned. “Yes, she did. I take it she talked with you as well?”
“What did she say?” he asked in a low voice.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to tell him. I knew he would feel terrible. Then I realized his fate was probably far worse.
“Oh no! Did she fire you?” I asked, suddenly feeling guilty. He had a lot more to lose than I did. Kind of.
He cleared his throat. “No.”
“Oh, thank God. So, are you suspended or what? What happened?”
“She sent me home for the day.”
I blinked. I must not have heard him correctly. “What?”
“I was sent home for the day, and she rescinded the offer for me to return next year,” he said in a low voice, laden with guilt.
I had to take a minute. My head was spinning out of control.
“You know, I need to go. I, uh, I have to finish washing the dishes,” I stammered. “I’ll talk to you later.
“Tessa, wait—”
I hung up. My eyes were burning, and I felt betrayed from every direction. My world had been turned upside down and inside out, and he was given the day off? I was sure it would be a paid day off, too. How backasswards was that? I lose everything, and he loses a day of teaching. A half day at that! So much for equality and all that other women’s lib crap.
It was bullshit and incited my anger even more. I needed to plot my revenge or at least my way back in. I had to graduate. I can’t imagine the past four years going up in flames over a few rounds of sex. I was filled with anger to the point I couldn’t sit still. I turned on the speaker, pulled up my angry playlist, and cranked it as high as it would go. I grabbed the cleaning supplies, dropped to my knees, and scrubbed the kitchen floor with a small brush.
By the time I was finished, I felt a little more relaxed but still pissed as hell. The old tile floor had never looked better. I could eat off of it—or? Despite everything, I was still thinking of where to have sex with Ian next. We’d always been at his house. Now that I wasn’
t a student, we could fuck anywhere and everywhere.
Wow. Where did that come from?
He obviously had me under a spell. That was the only explanation.
The scrubbing had been cathartic, but now I needed to put away the rubber gloves and figure out my next move. I yanked open the freezer and nearly jumped for joy when I found a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road. Apparently, there was a God, and he had abandoned me, but at least the ice cream fairy hadn’t let me down.
Maria was calling my phone. I didn’t want to answer. I was feeling humiliated. She obviously knew by now what had happened.
“Hello,” I finally picked up the phone.
“Oh. My. God. You have got to be shitting me!” she yelled. “Why didn’t you call me?”
I blinked back tears. Hearing her confirm what my brain had been trying to push away and deny made it all too real.
“Sorry,” I mumbled around a mouthful of ice cream.
“Bullshit. Are you home?”
“Yes.”
“Have you talked to Ian?” she asked.
“Kind of,” I said, trying to fight down the anger that was bubbling to the surface.
“Did he get fired? Jake said he didn’t, but that doesn’t make sense. Are you sure you’re actually expelled?”
Since I hadn’t told her I was, I knew the information had come from Ian to Jake. Everyone was going to know.
“No, he didn’t get fired. He was told to take the day off,” I said, sarcasm dripping from every word.
I heard a small scream followed by a string of curse words that would have made a trucker blush.
“We are going to scheme and plot and come up with a way to make that bitch pay,” she said in a menacing voice.
I had to laugh. “This isn’t Gossip Girl, and we don’t know the first thing about scheming. I do want to make her cry a little though. When will you be home?”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes—with more ice cream,” she said, knowing me well.
“What am I going to do?” I sobbed.
“We’ll figure something out, hon. Remember, I’m dating a badass lawyer who just happens to have a vested interest in all of this. Relax, finish that pint, and I’ll bring more, plus some alcohol,” she said in a gentle, mothering voice.
She hung up, and all I could think about was my mom. She would be so disappointed. This would crush her. I was her last hope for graduating from college and really doing something with my life. She had worked so hard all those years, only to lose Talia too soon and to have me fail just before the finish line.
Chapter 37
Ian
I’ve waited as long as I can. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. She answered a couple texts, but was really short. She is pissed at me, I know that. I even understand it, but have no idea how to fix it. What can I possibly do?
I could be there. I could hold her and try to work through this horrible disaster. It’s a tragedy. I can’t even imagine what she is going through. Jake told me to give the girls time, and that Maria was on it. Maria is helping her process and cope, so I’m not needed. But I want to be. It’s because of me that she is hurting so badly. I want to fix it.
Fuck it.
I stopped by the store for the basics. It hadn’t been that long since I had a woman to contend with. I picked up what I thought were necessary supplies and various offerings of peace, including a variety of chocolates. Resolute in my decision to help ease her pain, I knocked on the door of the little house where I knew she lived. Jake was helping me out. As was Maria. They cleared the way for me to make my grand gesture.
Taking a deep breath, and praying she wouldn’t slam the door in my face or push me down the tiny cement porch, I knocked.
When I heard the doorknob turning, my heart stopped in my chest, and my breath swooshed out of my lungs.
She opened it up a few inches, her face, devoid of makeup, broke my heart. She looked miserable.
“Are you okay?” I asked. It was not what I wanted to say. I knew it was stupid and I had told myself not to ask that inane question, but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
Her answer was a dull stare, a slight raise of her right shoulder and an, “I don’t know.”
“Can I come in?”
She sighed, but opened the door and allowed me in. I wanted to look around. It felt very intimate to enter her domain, and I wanted to savor this next big step for us, but now was not the time. She stood there in a pair of black leggings that showcased her shapely legs, and a pink t-shirt with the breast cancer ribbon emblazoned on the front. Her feet were bare, revealing chipped blue polish.
I debated what to do. Did I hug her? Offer words of comfort? I didn’t know what those were, but I was sure I could think of something.
Her eyes met mine, and my heart broke.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “Please.”
I don’t know what I was begging for. Forgiveness? Understanding? Her?
She looked down at her feet, then back at me. “It’s not your fault. We knew. We knew we were playing with fire. I guess I’m the one that got burned.”
I couldn’t stop myself. I had to hold her. She looked so young, so fragile standing there, completely stripped of all defenses. I could literally feel pain in my heart witnessing her going through something so awful.
“Can I hold you?”
She nodded, and I saw the tears pooling the moment I stepped close to her, putting my arms around her waist and my head on hers. Her arms came around me, and I felt the very moment she let go of the pain and stress. She was sobbing now, silently.
I wanted to shield her and protect her from all of the pain and emotion she was feeling. I did the only thing I knew how—I reached down and lifted her up, cradling her in my arms like a small child, before walking to the couch and sitting down with her in my lap. I held her while she wept.
As she cried, I began to truly understand the consequences of my desire to have her. If I would have kept my distance, she would not be in this position.
“I’m sorry, Tessa. I don’t know how many times I can say it, but I am so, truly sorry for putting you in this position,” I told her, again, hoping somehow my apologies would erase her pain.
“It’s not your fault,” she mumbled, her face pressed against my chest.
I sighed; it kind of was.
“I have no idea what I’m going to tell my mom. She is going to be so disappointed. I’m pissed about being expelled, but it isn’t the end of the world. It’s telling my mom I failed that is tearing me up. How can I look at a woman who has fought so long and hard to get me here, only to have me drop out at the end?”
She hiccupped. I saw a box of tissue on a small side table and stretched my arm out to grab it. It was nearly empty, which made my guilt worsen.
“Here,” I said, gently pushing the box against her arm.
She reached out and took several tissues and wiped her face. “Sorry. This is so embarrassing,” she grumbled.
“Don’t be sorry and it isn’t embarrassing. I would probably do the same thing in your shoes.”
She laughed. “I seriously doubt you would cry while sitting on someone’s lap.”
I kissed the side of her head. “If someone offered to hold me I probably would.”
We sat in silence for several long minutes while she regained her composure. I could feel the physical change in her body as she gathered her strength. Her back was a little stiffer, her breathing had slowed down to a normal rate, and the jerking motions from her crying had ceased.
“Do you know what you want to do? I’m here, Tessa. I will support you in every way—if you want me to,” I told her, still afraid she was going to tell me to get the hell away and stay away.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to scream and fight, but what’s the point?”
“Your future is the point. Do you want me to stick by you and fight this thing?”
She didn’t answer, which felt like a punch
in the gut to me. My mind started to reel with the possibilities. Could I possibly go on without talking to her or seeing her? Teaching my class without her would be difficult, but I knew I could muddle through knowing I could see her at the end of the day. She may resent me and hold this against me. There was a chance she would move back to Georgia or move to another city to finish the classes she needed.
“Tessa, please, tell me what I can do to help,” I pleaded with her, fighting to keep my own panic out of my voice.
“There’s nothing you can do, Ian.”
“I’ll resign. Do you want me to quit? I will,” I blurted out, trying to think of anything that would make this better.
“No. That won’t solve anything. You have bills to pay.”
I sat there, feeling her warm body on my lap, her heart beating against my chest and it was then I realized I really was truly in love with her. The thought of never getting to make love to her, kiss her or see that beautiful smile directed at me was making me crazy with anxiousness.
“Tell me what you want, Tessa.” My voice was strained.
She took a deep breath. I could feel her steeling her resolve, and I braced myself for the blow that was coming. I could handle it. I didn’t really know her all that well, and when she kicked me out of her life, I wasn’t going to cry or put up a fuss. I would leave and never look back.
“I want you,” she said, turning to look at me.
I stared at her. My head swimming, trying to make sense of what she said versus what I was expecting her to say.
“What?”
She smiled before she gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “I want you. Don’t leave me or give up on what we just got started because of this mess.”
My arms went around her, squeezing her tight. I had to catch my own breath. Her words had left me stunned.
“Ian?” she said, in a voice that sounded a bit strangled.
“Hmm?”
“A little tight. I think you’re crushing my ribs.”