by Claire Adams
“When you get a minute, I need to talk to you about the holiday,” I said softly as I stood next to him at the table.
“It’s okay. I’m going to go lie down,” Brianna excused herself and then quickly went to her room.
It was as if she had been waiting for an excuse to leave the day area and go hide away. There would be a lot of excitement going on today on the unit so it was probably best that she rested and gathered her energy. At least she was safe and through her detox, but even though her body was safe, the recovery process had just started.
“Kaitlin says that you don’t plan on going home with your family for the holiday?”
“Nope, going to hang out here with the cool people.”
“Oh, but don’t you have anyone?”
Erik looked up toward the ceiling like he was thinking really hard about it. I couldn’t help but notice that he had shaved. He looked younger without the scruff from his beard on his face. He looked more like a movie star than a tech businessman. I could imagine him in a tuxedo walking down a red carpet, probably holding onto a sexy model at his side.
“Nope, I’m going to chill here. It’s fine, I’m excited to have some peace, and Kaitlin promised me I’d get to swim as much as I wanted.”
He tried to put on a happy face, but underneath it, I saw so much pain. How could he have no one to spend the holiday with? I couldn’t imagine a life like that at all. Even when my parents had forced me into treatment, I always knew that they would be there for me. Sure, they might be really angry with me, but they would always love me.
“Your mom has passed away, but what about the rest of your family? Your father, maybe?”
“I’m staying here. That’s the end of it, okay, Cassidy?” he said firmly.
“It’s just that normally only the new people stay. All the programming will be the groups that you’ve already done, and we only do half of those. You’re going to get really bored.”
Erik looked extremely annoyed at me for continuing with the topic, but I couldn’t let him sit at Paradise Peak for the whole holiday if there was anywhere else that he could go. Even though I had signed up to work, it was starting to look like even I wasn’t going to be needed. If there were really only six patients, there would be no need for a technician to work with the nurses; they would likely just have two nurses on staff.
“I’m staying. Tell who you need to tell and let’s drop it.”
“What about your business partner? What was his name again?”
“Spencer, and no. I’m not going to intrude on him. I’m fine, Cassidy. I really am. I’ve got a couple of new books to read, I’m going to work out and swim, it’s going to be like a little vacation for me. I’m perfectly fine. Now if you don’t drop it, I’m going to start crying like Brianna did,” he said with a half of a grin.
“I can tell Mr. March that you’re a maybe, that way if you make some plans, it won’t matter to the scheduling.”
Erik looked at me with a stern look, stood up, and walked directly to his new room, with a door. He didn’t say another word to me all morning long. He wasn’t the type of guy who liked a good argument, I could tell that right away. I imagined at his business, people didn’t question him much when he made decisions and probably just followed all the orders he gave.
Leaving for the holiday wasn’t just about seeing family, though. A couple of days outside of the walls of the treatment center gave patients the ability to test drive their new coping skills. When there weren’t holidays scheduled, patients could still get a leave to go home with their family for a night or a weekend. It really was the perfect opportunity for patients to see what was working for them and what they still struggled with.
“Aren’t you on a roll today?” Kaitlin laughed as both Erik and Brianna seemed to be ignoring me. “What happened to the girl everyone loved?”
“I have no idea. I just asked Erik if there was anyone who he could spend the holiday with. I can’t fathom that he doesn’t have at least one person in his life that he would want to see in Christmas.”
“Cassidy, not everyone has loving families. You know this, I know you do.”
“It’s just weird.”
“You know what’s weird?” she asked as she leaned in. “It’s weird how your eyes light up when you’re talking to him.”
“What? No they don’t,” I protested.
“Um, I watched you talking to him. You definitely light up.”
“No, I don’t!”
“I just call it like I see it,” she said smugly as she leaned back in her chair.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Maybe I shouldn’t go dancing with you tonight. You’re just going to say I’m in love with every guy I have a conversation with.”
“You’re in love with Erik?” Kaitlin teased.
“Yeah, that’s exactly it, I’m in love with Erik,” I said sarcastically.
The look on Kaitlin’s face told me he was behind me long before I turned around and actually saw him. My heart sank at the idea that he had just heard what I had said. No, I didn’t love him. Obviously, I didn’t love the guy – I hardly knew him. But the pure fact that the words had left my mouth and he had heard them…it was mortifying.
“I love you, too,” he said and winked at me. “Kaitlin, can I get some towels?” he asked as he turned his attention to her.
Kaitlin rushed away from the counter as quickly as she could. The awkwardness that was about to happen was nothing that she wanted to be part of, and I couldn’t blame her at all. Being awkward around men was kind of my thing. No matter how hard I tried to act like a normal person, my words inevitably got twisted and I sounded like some sort of weird woman.
“I don’t love you. I said a joke and Kaitlin said something. Then, well, I don’t know how it came to that. But I’m not some sort of weirdo. I don’t love you.”
He chuckled at my awkwardness and smiled. He certainly no longer seemed to care that I had hounded him about going home for Christmas. I liked it when he smiled. His teeth were amazingly white and the creases in his face made him look distinguished as his face lit up. He really should smile more often.
“You guys are going dancing?” he asked as he expertly changed the subject.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I agreed. I’m a horrible dancer.”
His eyes lingered as he followed the curves of my body and looked over every inch of me. He took his time and then let his eyes focus on mine before he responded. I felt hot as he looked at me. My actual temperature was rising the longer his eyes stayed on my body. There weren’t too many times in my past that I remembered a man looking at me with that level of affection. It was nice, I felt desired, and that gave me a little confidence – which I was certainly going to need if I was going dancing with Kaitlin.
Dancing wasn’t my thing at all. While drunk, I had had fun with it, but while sober, I could only imagine how horrible the night would be. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to go out to impress anyone. I was simply going to go dancing so I could spend time with my friend.
“I doubt you’re bad at anything that involves using your body.”
My breathing stopped as I processed what he had just said. Is he saying he thought I was good at sex? Or dancing? I couldn’t think straight and stood there staring at him like I physically couldn’t speak.
“We are going dancing,” I managed to mumble.
“Yeah, I know.” He laughed.
“Here you go,” Kaitlin said as she looked at me and then back at Erik. “What’s wrong with her?”
“I think she’s excited that you guys are going dancing,” he said jokingly. “Have fun tonight, ladies.”
“Oh, we will!” Kaitlin hollered after him as he went back toward his room.
She waited until he closed his door before she looked at me in search of some sort of answer as to why my face was bright red. I felt like she had to know there was something going on between Erik and I, but she didn’t seem to care. Kaitlin
was a good friend and someone I could count on no matter what stupid stuff I did in my life.
“Don’t ask.” I laughed.
“You only get that embarrassed by a man if you like him,” she said smugly. “And tonight, we’re going to talk all about it.”
I rolled my eyes and went back to work. I knew what she was saying was exactly the truth. Kaitlin wasn’t going to let me off the hook without drilling me all about what Erik had said and why my face had been totally red.
Chapter Twelve
Erik
“Phone call for you, Erik,” Susan said while she held the phone at the nurses’ station.
It was Christmas Eve, and I hadn’t expected anyone to call me. Pretty much I didn’t expect anyone to call me on any day that I had been there, but on a couple occasions my friends from back in San Francisco had called to chat. And of course Spencer had called a few times, as well.
“Hello,” I said with hesitation.
“Hey,” the voice said.
Instantly, I knew it was my brother Heath. Then all I could think about was that something must have happened to our father. Heath wouldn’t have willingly called me if he didn’t have horrible news. I took a deep breath and prepared myself.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing much. Dad said you called the other day.”
Yeah, I had called like a week earlier, was what I wanted to say. But that was the old me; instead, I tried to be thankful that he was calling now. I loved my brother; I loved my father. They were both important people in my life and I had made the decision to try and mend our broken relationship. I couldn’t do that if I revered back to my old ways.
Although it had taken me a few weeks to get into the hand of group sessions and therapy, I actually felt like I was growing and becoming a better person. The coping skills that Jarrod was teaching me had really helped when I started to feel panicked and I felt more in control of my emotions than I could ever remember feeling.
“Yeah, I just wanted to check in with you guys and let you know how I’m doing.”
“So, you’re still there?”
Again, I had so many sarcastic comments that I wanted to respond with. Of course I was still there; he had just called me and I answered the phone. But I kept my comments to myself and continued to try and have a decent conversation.
“I can send you guys some plane tickets if you’d like to come visit,” I started to say.
“We can’t. It’s busy here.”
“Oh, okay.”
“I’m glad you’re doing better,” Heath said, and I genuinely believed him. “So is Dad. He’s been talking about you a lot since you called.”
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s old, Erik. I wish he could just retire, but he won’t. Keeps saying we’re too busy for him to quit. I tried to explain that I could hire someone to help, but you know how he is.”
I did know how my father was. He was a workaholic. Ever since our mother passed away, work was how our father dealt with his emotions. Instead of talking to anyone or working through his grief, he just worked. And working at a funeral home probably wasn’t the best job to have if you were trying to work through the grief of losing the love of your life.
“Yep, I know.”
“Are you staying there until the New Year?”
“Yep, I’ll be here probably until the end of January.”
“Do you think it will work on you?”
The question was an awkward one, like what I was doing at treatment would magically fix me. But my brother didn’t know about addiction and I certainly couldn’t blame him for wondering if I would be able to stay sober. If you didn’t struggle with addition, it was a mystifying disease.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to do everything I can to get better and stay better.”
“Group time,” Susan hollered about two inches away from me.
“I just wanted to call and tell you we were thinking of you and hope it works. Maybe when you’re all done, you can stop out here for a visit.”
“Sure, I think I can make that happen. You take care of yourself and take care of Dad, too.”
“Later,” Heath said as he hung up.
Talking to Heath wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as talking to my father. It had been a pretty damn good conversation, and I felt good about the possibility that we would be able to mend our broken family, at least a little bit.
I wasn’t delusional. I knew that we would never be the kind of family that sat down for Sunday dinners every week, but I wanted to be closer to them. I wanted them to understand the choices I had made weren’t about them at all. Every decision I had made was a selfish one and totally about myself and what I wanted.
Maybe it was wrong of me, but I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t change the last ten years and they couldn’t change it, either. But maybe, if we worked at it, we could have a phone conversation with each other and not feel like we were talking to total strangers. I was starting to see that perhaps I had placed all the blame on my family and hadn’t appreciated my own role in the problems we were having.
“Get going to group, mister,” I heard Cassidy’s voice say from behind me.
“I thought you weren’t working?”
“I’m just here for a couple of hours. Get to group. You can’t be late if there are only six of you.”
As much as I wanted to stay there and talk with Cassidy, I knew she was right. I was dying to tell Jarrod and the others about my conversation with my brother. We had just been talking about our support systems the day before and I had said I didn’t have one at all. But in one single phone call, I saw the promise of a growing support system in the future.
It was weird how just a couple of weeks at the rehab center had already turned my mind around. I could see the good in things so much easier than I had been before I arrived. Maybe it was because I was sober, or maybe because I had actually been going to groups and meeting with my therapist, but I felt great.
Feeling good was something so foreign to me that I found myself second guessing my own mood constantly. Even as I talked with Cassidy and then went to my group session, there was energy about my walk that I hadn’t noticed before.
Being clear headed and energized was a great feeling and brought me back to my college days. I had been so focused on engineering new technology, I had endless energy and almost always was in a positive mood.
I couldn’t exactly remember when my typical college drinking turned dark, but I knew it got totally out of control after the business was sold. Without a purpose, I quickly slipped into an underground world of sex, drugs, and alcohol.
It had been so funny the previous day when I had caught Cassidy talking about me. I had certainly been thinking about her, so it felt good to know she was thinking about me. But the more I thought about her, the more I knew I had to stay away from her. Not for my sake, if it was just my life then I would have gone after her for sure. But it wouldn’t look good for her to be messing around with a patient, so for the time being I would behave myself. Or at least I would try to behave myself.
“I’m having a great fucking day,” I exclaimed as I walked into group and found a seat.
“Let’s keep the bad language out of this,” Jarrod replied. “Why is your day so good?”
“I talked to my brother and it went pretty decent. I’m moved into my room with a door, and there is finally a little peace around here.”
“Great, so what’s next?” Jarrod asked.
“What do you mean? Nothing is next. Things are good. I’m good. Let’s not push for more. I’m happy.”
“That’s not how people stay happy, though. You’ve got to continue to move forward. Make goals. Practice your coping skills. You’re always working.”
“That’s just depressing. Can’t we just be happy and relax?”
“I don’t mean that you shouldn’t enjoy the moment. But in sobriety, you will have moments where you feel like everything is going great.
But then you’ll stop going to meetings, you’ll stop seeing your therapist, and then bam, you’ve relapsed.”
“Wow, you’re a real Debbie Downer,” Brianna said.
“I get it. I understand,” I said.
“So, why aren’t you leaving for Christmas break?” Jarrod asked.
He blindsided me with the question. I thought the issue had been settled when Cassidy and I had been talking. I wasn’t ready to answer it again. Even though my brother and I had just had a decent conversation, nowhere during that conversation had I considered leaving and going to spend Christmas with them. That seemed odd to me.
“I don’t know,” I replied with my first real honest answer about why I wasn’t leaving.
“You’re afraid of failing,” Kimber said.
“Maybe. I guess. I don’t know.”
“My family wanted me home. I couldn’t stand the idea of them constantly asking me how things were going. Or what I was going to do when I got out. It was too much pressure.”
Her words resonated with me very much. If I had called Spencer, I was one hundred percent sure he would have asked me to come with him to his family’s house. Hell, my own brother and father might have even asked me to come home if they had known I had a break. But it seemed so damn stressful to consider letting outsiders into my treatment.
I didn’t want to disappoint them. Kimber was right – I didn’t want to be a failure. I wanted to finish my treatment and go back home in total control of myself. I wanted to be that guy they all looked up to and talked about what a great example I was. But even I wasn’t convinced I could really be that guy. My sobriety skills were so new that I didn’t have confidence in myself at all.
We finished our group session pretty quickly since there were only a few of us. I was excited to go swimming after. I hadn’t gotten the chance since the last time when Melanie and Cassidy had supervised us.
Swimming had always been a love of mine, and I had been so worried that I would fear water after what had happened before I arrived at treatment. But I was lucky that I didn’t remember much of that night and most of my fears were compartmentalized to my dreams. It probably helped that when we swam at Paradise Peak, there was always a staff member around and I didn’t have to worry about drowning. Although, simply being sober while I was in the pool probably was the easiest way I could avoid drowning.