The Lost Train of Thought

by John Hulme

  Distraction: A Seemsian sport/pastime combining elements of curling, shuffleboard, and Tetris, in which participants push metal figurines down a sheet of ice, attempting to stack them in an or ganized fashion.

  Easy Street: The most expensive block in Alphabet City, overlooking LMNO Park.

  Everywhere: 1. A quaint village of hardworking people complete with a trolley, walkable downtown, and excellent school system. 2. Hometown of Simly Frye.

  Firefox: Feature film centering on a Vietnam vet enlisted to steal a highly advanced Rus sian fighter plane (nicknamed “Firefox”) and return it to the United States for analysis. [Starring: Clint Eastwood, Freddie Jones. 1982. 136 mins. Rated: PG.] Based on the book by Craig Thomas.

  Firsts, Seconds, Thirds: The three naturally occurring geological phenomena from which the Essence of Time is distilled. For more, please see The Seems: The Split Second.

  Head Rush: The period back in The Day when Seemsians looking to make a Buck (or Bill) flocked to the Middle of Nowhere in search of untapped Thought. The frontier economy inevitably dried up when the Powers That Be decided to regulate the industry.

  Heap, the: Name for the pile of discarded inventions, phased-out innovations, and never-before-seen creations junked before ever making it to The World.

  Hide: A thin, skinlike textile resistant both to the elements and to Peeping Toms.

  Hopscotch: A simple game in which participants hop through a series of squares on one foot. Designed in the Department of Fun, it was leaked to The World during the rule of the Roman Empire.

  Hunga Munga: An early tribal weapon consisting of a pointed blade with a curved back and a spike near the handle.

  Idea Smugglers: Outlaws who run stolen (and sometimes revolutionary) Ideas back and forth between the Middle of Nowhere and Black Market.

  I’llshootyoudeadwhereyoustandyoulowdownnogoodsonuva Gun: A Color Warera musket considered extremely rare and highly dangerous, particularly in the hands of one who knows how to wield it. (Aka ’Sonuva Gun.)

  Inner Child: The nine-year-old chief psychologist of Seemsberia charged with getting prisoners back in touch with their true selves.

  Jiffy Pop: A brand of popcorn that combines kernels and oil in an aluminum pan with a crinkled foil lid. As the pan becomes hotter, the popped corn causes the foil to rise and expand.

  Jinx Gnomes: The comic strip-turned hit TV series-turned major motion picture about the crack unit dispatched to The World whenever a person overcelebrates a bit of good fortune.

  Johnson Bar: A yard-long lever that controls if a train locomotive moves forward or in reverse.

  KGB: aka “Komitjet Gosudarstvjennoj Bjezopasnosti,” aka “Committee for State Security.” The Soviet Union’s security forces, secret police, and intelligence agency from 1954 to 1991.

  Knockout Punch: Originally developed as a cure for Insomnia in the Department of Sleep, this 100 percent juice (not from concentrate) elixir slipped out and became a popular Seemsian sleep remedy.

  Library at Alexandria: The greatest bibliotheca in the ancient world, allegedly burned down by Caesar during his visit to Egypt in 48 BC. Details of the destruction, however, remain unclear.

  Memory Bank: The fortresslike institution in which the Memories of The World are kept.

  Mind Bender: An employee of the Department of Thought & Emotion responsible for stringing the filament of Mind into the glass bulbs of Big Ideas.

  Mind, Body & Soll, LLC: The award-winning architectural firm credited with designing many of the most innovative departments, as well as some World-based wonders (e.g., Stonehenge, Machu Picchu, Easter Island).

  Operation Clean Sweep: The Mission when all Glitches, except one holdout, were swept from the system.

  Outskirts, the: A far-out area of The Seems that vagabonds, bohemians, and dropouts from mainstream Seemsian society call home.

  Pickmeup: Similar to coffee but double the caffeine and twice the Inspiration.

  Pink Floyd: 1. The British Invasionera prog-rock band famous for their haunting melodies, profound lyrics, and obsession with flying pigs. 2. Becker Drane’s favorite band.

  Price Is Right: The television game show where contestants guess the prices of household items, without going over. Hosts have included: Bill Cullen, Bob Barker, and Drew Carey. A Mark Goodson–Bill Todman production.

  Purple Haze: An anomalous cloud of magenta dust associated with a faulty algorithm in the Department of Weather. The psychedelic blob last reached The World in the late 1960s, resulting in a fascination with flashing lights, bright colors, and songs over twenty minutes in length.

  Remote Gremlin: The infamous “collector of clickers,” this former employee of Lost & Found ran roughshod through The World pilfering TV remote controls until he was captured and sentenced to life in Seemsberia. Many anonymous copycats still perform his “work” to this day.

  Ripple Effect: A large-scale unraveling of the Plan, often caused by broken Chains of Events.

  Scratch: Tiny blue specks, indigenous to the Middle of Nowhere and used to create anything and everything.

  Signal Box: A raised hut/tower providing a dry space for mechanical switching levers and a home base for the accompanying signalman/woman.

  Sock Goblin: The nefarious “snatcher of soles,” this former Collections employee expressed her inner madness by robbing The World of countless foot-gloves. Due to the pain and frustration inflicted, she was given a term of life in Seemsberia, without possibility of parole.

  Spy Who Came In from the Cold, The: Feature film about a disillusioned British agent who refuses to come in from the Cold War, opting instead for another mission, which could very well be his last. [Starring: Richard Burton, Claire Bloom. 1965. 112 mins. Not Rated.] Based on the book by John le Carré.

  Thin Air: A Bermuda Triangle–like corner of The Seems where people inexplicably vanish, often never to be seen again.

  Torch, the: Lit by Jayson himself and protected by a small bronze censer, this flame symbolizes the unofficial leader of the Fixers. It has never been extinguished.

  Tumulty’s: 1. Featuring burgers too big for the bun, model trains, and wedges of iceberg lettuce. Present your copy of The Seems and get 10% off! Not to be combined with other offers. __________________________ (Signature of own er/server) Good for one use! 361 George Street, New Brunswick, NJ 2. Benjamin Drane’s favorite restaurant.

  Wheel Tapper: The railroad employee responsible for testing train wheels for cracks by hitting them with a special hammer.

  Yard Master: The railroad employee responsible for the makeup or breakup of trains, devising schedules, and coordinating yard switching.

  Appendix B

  Making Things from Scratch

  Ever since its discovery in the sands of the Middle of Nowhere, the substance known as Scratch has sparked the imagination of The Seems. Early pioneers used raw Scratch to dream up foodstuff and water where none was readily available, to imagine groves and oases as respites from the sun, and even just to watch their wildest fantasies come to fruition. Though items made this way only boast a half-life of three days, “Brainstorming” became a popular sport back in The Day and drew many a follower to the harsh desert climate.

  Nonetheless, when The World project was finally green-lit, a process was needed to ensure a more lasting reality. It was called “Design” and entailed superheating Scratch to a temperature of +541° F. The liquefied powder was then allowed to coagulate into an azure paste, filtered of impurities, and shipped in rubber Conun-Drums to appropriate departments. Last but not least, Agents of L.U.C.K. would scrape the residue from the vats and transform it into moments of good fortune for the people of The World.

  Today Nature Buffs regularly use processed Scratch to think shrubs and bushes to life, while Mountaineers conjure the snow-covered peaks of Zermatt and Vail. Scratch is also woven into the Fabric of Reality and remains a fundamental building block for all Goods & Services, from Dreams to Hunches to Matters of Fact. Not surprisingly, quantities of S
cratch are tightly controlled, accounting for a thriving Black Market.

  Warning: Scratch should never be used without a clear mind and clean hands.

  Appendix C

  Tools of the Trade

  Selected Tools from “The Lost Train of Thought.”

  (Note: Reprinted from The Catalog, copyright © Seemsbury Press, MCGBVIX, The Seems.)

  Tool Name: Spork™

  Use: Escape from anytraz with this hand-held tunneling device! Ultra-quiet motor makes for ultra-quiet exits. Vacuum shoot inhales messy dust. Leaves subtle herringbone groove.

  Designer: Steve Spork

  Tool Name: Fly on the Wall™ (Discontinued)

  Use: Surveillance. Bugging people out. Being a pest. Comes with dual joystick remote!(CR2032 lithium battery not included.)

  Designer: Morton Penske

  Tool Name: Didgeradoozy™

  Use: Give new meaning to breaking wind! Audio blast reduces football field radius to mush. Kakadu design.

  (WARNING: Self-defense only. May cause injury or harm.)

  Designer: Fixer Casey Lake w/ Toolshed Staff

  Tool Name: Al’s-O-Vera™

  Use: “PENSKE ASTOUNDS WITH MIRACLE DREAM CREAM.”28 Apply to skin and watch scorched epidermis regrow like a Chia pet! Treats: lesions, burns, bug bites, scars, lacerations, vacillations, poison ivy and sumac, and psoriasis.

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Bear Claws™

  Use: When it’s a bear of a Mission, you’ll dig these helping hands! Paws come with three-inch claws, Thinsulate fur, and natural suede pads. * Not to be confused with a pastry of the same name.

  Designer: The Handyman

  Tool Name: Key Chain™

  Use: Sick of toothpicks, Dweezers™, and knocking three times? You’re never locked out when you carry your Key Chain. (Guaranteed to pick any lock or your money back.)

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Bleceiver™

  Use: Condense your overcrowded Toolkit with this Blinker™ combo whose time has finally come! Available in all-new colors: Plum, Tangerine, Kiwi, Maize, Polka Dot, Camouflage, and Fixer Fern.

  Designer: Al Penske Jr.

  Tool Name: Thinking Cap™

  Use: One spin of the propeller on top of this canvas beanie and your IQ shoots through the roof! A must for complex Missions. (And final exams.)

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Speed Demons™

  Use: Throw those Reebok Pumps in the trash and pretend you’re Golden Age Flash! Sneaks come in standard or automatic, three colors, high-top or low! (Ask about our turbo models!)

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Stopwatch™

  Use: When Time is of the Essence, strap into the octagon! Self-winding. Quartz movement. Essence resistant to 300tg!

  (Note: Beware Butterfly Effect!)

  Designer: Yore Alvayez Ontim

  Tool Name: Seat Belt™

  Use: Simply insert the flat metal end into the buckle and pull! Guaranteed to keep your feet on the ground, even when The World turns upside down! (Extension available for big & tall.)

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Extremely Cool Outfit™

  Use: Style meets substance in the garment that’s sure to be the rage on Easy Street. Adjusts for temperature, setting, and “cool factor.” (One size fits all.)

  Designer: Al Penske Jr.

  Tool Name: Trinoculars™

  Use: Sick of being called “four eyes”? Well, now you have five and it just doesn’t roll off the tongue the same way Sucks for them. Two oculars search distance, third taps anja chakra (brow) and grants 20/20 hindsight! Sees through every material except Hide.

  Designer: Al Penske

  Tool Name: Turf Board™

  Use: Hang ten. Flick off. Turn turtle. Cover more distance than a gazelle—and all on dry land! Hand painted by the Original Artist! Aloha, dude.

  Designer: Al Penske Jr.

  Tool Name: Security Blanket™

  Use: Wrap this puncture-resistant quilt around your loved ones and sleep tight! Keeps the insulated insulated from every element known to Al! (Also not bad for picnics or sitting on the grass.) Comes in solid, plaid, or country folk.

  Designer: Al Penske Jr.

  Tool Name: The Solution to All Our Problems™

  Use: Everything

  Designer: Al Penske

  Sorry, not currently available.

  28. Daily Plan, Volume #MGBBG, Issue J, Section: “Seems Style.”

  *For more information on Tools, arcana, and Seemsian détritus en général please visit the Fixer’s Lounge area of theseems.com. [Password: LTF-FTL]

  Form #1030

  Post-Mission Report

  * * *

  Mission: The Lost Train of Thought [037024]

  Filed by: Jelani Blaque

  * * *

  Summary:

  * * *

  Though we managed to save The World from the Unthinkable, this Mission still leaves me with a great sadness. Human Resources and the IFR will have their work cut out for them to make up for those Fixers who remain lost or missing.

  * * *

  Areas for Improvement:

  * * *

  Despite Fixer Lake’s suggestions, it was my call to make sure Fixer Drane drew the short end of the stick and thus would end up driver of the train. I did so because I believed it would be a safer assignment than facing Nowherians in hand-to-hand combat. I was wrong and take full responsibility for this decision.

  * * *

  Rate Your Briefer (1-12):

  * * *

  There were officially no Briefers on this Mission, but I must state for the record how proud I was of each member of the first and second teams. I also wish to give a Special Commendation to Thibadeau Freck, whose courage and fortitude over the last several years ensured our final victory over the Tide.

  (Note: In the case of the one UNofficial Briefer on this Mission— Simly Alomonus Frye— I propose this matter be handled internally by IFR personnel.)

  * * *

  Suggestions Box:

  * * *

  a) Fixers must be fully briefed on all Missions, regardless of Clearance. As we saw on this Mission, lack of information about the Most Amazing Thing of All nearly cost both teams. b) Begin construction on the wall that Fixer Drane promised the Nowherians. c) Even though the Tide is quashed, Triton’s identity remains unknown. He mustbe found and brought to justice.

  Check here if you wish to attend the Department of Energy’s “Power Lunch”— a symposium on helping The World go green!

  Signature

  The Powers That Be

  MEMORANDUM

  From: The Powers That Be

  To: All Seems Employees

  Re: Change of Plans

  Dear Fellow Seemsians:

  Though recent events have tested our mettle, I am proud to announce that The Tide has been defeated and peace restored to The Seems. Nonetheless, you have called for change and we, the Powers That Be, are listening!

  Effective immediately, my office will be accepting suggestions on making adjustments to The World. Already, initiatives for the two-day work/school week, ending global hunger, and a Make All Your Problems Go Away button have reached my desk and are awaiting final approval.

  The Plan has served us well in the past, but we must not be afraid to forge a new tomorrow. In this spirit, I invite you to become part of a very special time in The Seems— a time when we will finally deliver on our promise to make The World “a better place.”

  Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

  Samuel Hightower

  Second in Command, The Seems

  P.S. Members of The World will also be invited to submit their proposals at www.theseems.com.

  c/o Big Building, Floor 1000 • One Seems Plaza, The Seems

  Also by John Hulme and Michael Wexler

  The Seems: The Glitch in Sleep

  The Seems: The Split Second


  Text copyright © 2009 by John Hulme and Michael Wexler

  Illustrations copyright © 2009 by Gideon Kendall.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews

  First published in the United States of America in October 2009

  by Bloomsbury Books for Young Readers

  E-book edition published in October 2010

  www.bloomsburyteens.com

  For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Bloomsbury BFYR, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

  Hulme, John.

  The lost train of thought / by John Hulme and Michael Wexler;

  illustrations by Gideon Kendall.—1st U.S. ed.

  p. cm.-(The Seems ; bk. 3)

  Summary: Suspended for a year from his duties as a Fixer in the parallel universe called the Seems, fourteen-year-old Becker is called back into service when an entire Train of Thought is lost in the deserts of the Middle of Nowhere.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-59990-131-2 • ISBN-10: 1-59990-131-5 (hardcover)

  [1. Thought and thinking— Fiction. 2. Space and time— Fiction. 3. Technology— Fiction.] I. Wexler, Michael. II. Kendall, Gideon, ill. III. Title.

  PZ7.H8844Lo 2010 [Fic]— dc22 2009002145

  ISBN 978-1-59990-622-5 (e-book)