by T V Hartwell
“Well, it sounds like this would work out perfectly for everyone involved. And it’s great that you already know Lizzy and have a relationship with her, because if you decide to remain in the baby’s life in some way I’m sure that could be easily accommodated. You could be like the generous aunt who lives across the pond in America.”
“It’s all a bit overwhelming, to be honest with you. Everything is happening so fast. But first, I need to find out if I can even deliver this baby with all of these issues I’ve been having.”
“Well, it sounds like you’re being sent to the right doctor to have things checked out.”
“I think so. He’s supposed to be one of the best in the field.”
“What time is your appointment today?”
“Eleven-thirty at UCLA.”
“Are you going by yourself?”
“My mother’s taking me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We’re back on better terms now, at least for the time being,” Amanda said, rolling her eyes. “She apologized for being so insensitive and trying to push me to get an abortion. She now seems to realize that it’s my decision to make, and she’s actually warmed to the adoption idea. She and my dad both have, and they like Lizzy. They don’t know her like I do, but they know and like Tabitha a lot.”
“Well, I’m glad you and your mom have mended fences. You need her to be in your corner right now. This is when moms are at their best. At least that’s how it’s been for me. Whenever I’ve had a major crisis in my life, especially when it comes to men, my mom has always been my rock. I know you and Camilla haven’t had that kind of relationship—”
“That’s for sure.”
“—but I hope this will be a turning point.”
“Well, she has said and done some pretty cruel things to me over the years, so it will take a lot for us to have anything that remotely resembles the closeness you and Alana share. You two are like sisters.”
“I know, huh?” Lucy said with a giggle. “Sometimes I think she wishes she were my sister and not my mother so that she could party and hang out with me more often. She loves being around my friends, as you know, especially you, of course. It’s like ‘No, Mom, you can’t go with me and my girlfriends to Saint Tropez to get wasted and laid over the weekend.’ That’s not exactly how I said it, of course, but pretty darn close.”
Amanda snickered. “She wanted to come with to Saint Tropez?”
“Yes!” Lucy exclaimed, incredulous. “Don’t you remember?”
“I don’t think I went with you on that particular trip.”
“Well, anyway, yes, she wanted to go when I went during Labor Day Weekend last year—pre Cass.”
“Oh, I definitely didn’t go. I was with Jake in Mexico. How funny though. Well, Alana’s still single and gorgeous, so I can’t blame her for wanting to sashay a little while she’s still smokin’ hot.”
“Oh, no. Not around those Mediterranean men, especially the Spaniards. Not the ones who flock to Saint Tropez to party. Uh-uh. Can you even imagine?”
Amanda giggled at Lucy’s protectiveness of her mother. “You’re so cute. You sound like you’re the mother in the relationship.”
“Sometimes I am,” Lucy declared.
“Hilarious. Anyway, girl, I need to get up from here and hop in the shower and get a little bite to eat before heading to the doctor.”
“Okay, sweetie. I hope everything is all right. And I really like the sound of your adoption plan and having the baby overseas. But I know that whatever decision you make, it will be what’s best for you. You know I’ll support you one hundred percent, no matter what.”
“I know. Thank you for everything. I really appreciate all of your encouraging words. Thanks again for listening to me as I talk and think my way through this whole situation.”
“Oh, you don’t need to thank me. You know I’m always here for you. Call me later, okay? I want to know how everything goes.”
“I will.”
“Okay, sweetie. Bye now.”
“Bye, Lucy. Smooches,” Amanda said, before making the sound of a kiss with her lips.
* * *
Chapter Seventeen
When Amanda walked into the office of the perinatology specialist at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, Camilla was already seated in the waiting area.
“Hi, darling,” Camilla said, looking up from perusing the pages of a magazine that had been sitting along with a stack of others on the coffee table.
“Hi, Mom. When’d you get here?”
“Oh, I haven’t been here long. Maybe five minutes or so,” she said with a quick glance at her eighteen karat gold, diamond studded, Clé de Cartier watch. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine but I had a rough night.”
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t come and get you like I’d planned. My appointment with the architect who’s remodeling the kitchen ran over and I knew that if I came to get you that we’d be late. You should’ve allowed Carl to drive you here.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t like being driven around if I don’t have to be.”
“But you’re not well and it’s not safe for you to drive when you’re constantly feeling nauseous and weak. God forbid you pass out at the wheel while driving yourself.”
“Mom,” Amanda said plaintively, “I felt well enough to drive over here myself. Had I not then I would’ve allowed Carl to bring me, okay?”
Each of them sighed with a hint of irritation at the other before Camilla decided to change the subject. “Dr. Sturgess is the best in the country at what he does, so I’m confident you will be in good hands if you decide you still want to proceed with the pregnancy.”
Amanda glared at Camilla. Yes, Mom, I’m proceeding with the fucking pregnancy. You know this already, she wanted to say, but played nice instead. “Yeah, I did a little reading up on him and he’s very well-known. I found quite a few articles he’s published in medical journals about treating high risk pregnancies.”
“Oh yes, of course. You know he teaches over at the medical school and does some clinical research in addition to maintaining his practice and seeing patients, so—”
“All here?” the front desk receptionist said with a cheerful smile upon returning to the waiting room to find Camilla now joined by Amanda.
“All here,” Camilla chimed back.
“Great. I’ll let Dr. Sturgess know right now,” the receptionist said pleasantly as she picked up the phone.
Camilla and Amanda looked up at her when she announced over the line, “Your eleven-thirty is here.” When the receptionist hung up, she looked back at them. “He’ll be right out,” she said.
Camilla smiled at her graciously. “Thank you.”
Seconds later, Dr. Sturgess appeared through the door that separated the waiting room of his medical suite from his exam rooms and private office. “Ms. Climent?” he said as both Amanda and Camilla rose from their seats to greet him.
“Hi. Well, I’m Mrs. Climent.” Camilla beamed as she extended her hand to him. “And she’s Ms. Climent, my daughter Amanda.”
“Oh, oh, okay, okay,” he said jovially with a warm smile and twinkle in his eyes. The handsome, sixty-something doctor, with slick, shiny, and perfectly combed salt-and-pepper hair seemed genuinely smitten by the two smartly dressed, attractive women. “Well, I’m pleased and honored to meet you both.”
“Oh, thank you,” Camilla said.
“I know the name. I understand your family has been very generous to the medical center over the years and that you donated the wing for the colorectal research and treatment center a few years back.”
“Yes, that’s right,” Camilla said, still sporting the gracious, patrician-like smile that she wore as easily as a strand of pearls when engaging in pleasantries and small talk. “That was done in honor of my father-in-law who succumbed, unfortunately, to colon cancer several years ago now. But he received excellent treatment here, and my husband’s mother very much wanted to d
o something to thank the medical center, help improve research and development of new cancer therapies, and ultimately find a cure.”
“How wonderful. What an incredibly generous gesture for your family to make. I know how much my colleagues over there enjoy the space, especially the state-of-the-art labs.”
“How nice to hear, and well, of course, you know Judy, who’s been my obstetrician for years. Since before this one was even born,” Camilla continued, nodding at Amanda.
“Yes. When she called and asked me to see you and Amanda she mentioned that to me. Judy’s the best gynecologist I know,” Dr. Sturgess said, piling on the charm as he effusively chatted up Camilla in a manner appropriate for greeting and attending to one of the largest donors to the medical center. After they continued to chat for a few more moments—sharing where they’re originally from, discussing mutual connections, and such—Dr. Sturgess finally turned his attention to Amanda and invited her to accompany him to an examination room while Camilla elected to remain in the waiting area.
Once Amanda was alone with the doctor she explained to him the problems she’d been experiencing with increasing frequency—severe cramping, light to moderate bleeding, and ongoing bouts of morning sickness. Forty-eight hours ago, she’d seen her obstetrician, who had determined that her baby was still alive and attached to her placenta as it should be at that stage of pregnancy. But still Amanda had a bad feeling.
Dr. Sturgess had been with Amanda for just under an hour. After he completed his exam, he left Amanda alone so that she could change back into her clothes and gather herself. He then walked out into the waiting room to provide Camilla with a status report. She had been eagerly awaiting the news, growing increasingly concerned about the impact the pregnancy was having on Amanda’s health. However, when Dr. Sturgess informed her of the diagnosis, Camilla could barely contain her happiness and relief. “Thank God! It could’ve been worse,” she exclaimed, a reaction the doctor found quite odd, but did not dare question.
* * *
Chapter Eighteen
Unable to reach Lucy, Amanda dialed her sister’s number as she sat stunned in the UCLA parking garage. Alex answered on the first ring. “Mandi, how’d the appointment go?”
“Alex . . . I, um, I miscarried.”
“Awww, Mandi. Oh my God. I’m so sorry,” Alex said as her voice cracked in sorrow for her sister.
At her sister’s empathetic reaction, Amanda’s numbness vanished and she started to sob.
“Mandi, are you okay? Where are you?” Alex asked anxiously.
“I’m still here in the parking garage,” she said wiping away tears.
Alex could hear Amanda quietly weeping as she struggled to absorb the shock and disappointment of hearing that her big sister lost her first child to miscarriage. “Is Mom with you?” Alex finally asked.
“No. We drove separately.”
“Oooh . . . I hate that you’re alone. You shouldn’t be alone,” Alex said, trying to be strong for her sister while fighting to maintain her composure. Alex had offered to drive down from Santa Barbara to be with Amanda for her appointment that day, but Amanda had told her that she felt fine and insisted that Alex not trouble herself by making the trek just to be with her for a brief visit to the doctor’s office. Since graduating from Pepperdine University two years before, Alex had been spending half her time in Santa Barbara training to compete in equestrian show jumping and dressage competitions, something she’d been doing since her early teens. “I knew I should’ve come.”
“No, Alex. It’s okay. You’ve been working so hard to qualify for the Olympic team. I wouldn’t have wanted you to drive all that way just to sit here with me to hear bad news. It’s over now. It’s all over. Now I can move on with my life. This is a mixed blessing in a way,” Amanda said as if trying to convince herself that that was in fact true.
“So was the doctor able to tell you why or how this happened?”
“My cervix was slightly dilated, but not that much, so he didn’t think that was the exact cause. It could’ve been any number of things, he said. A chromosomal abnormality, a hormone insufficiency, stress . . . it’s not clear. Dr. Sturgess is a very nice man. He told me not to worry since miscarriages are so common, especially among women pregnant for the first time. He said a lot of women have miscarriages without even knowing they were pregnant.”
“Well that doesn’t sound like much of a consolation. It’s still so sad and such a terrible thing to lose your baby. I know how torn you were about the whole thing, but it still must hurt.”
“Maybe this was God’s way of sending me a message, letting me know that I didn’t need to go through with this. That this wasn’t the right time for me to have a baby . . . which I couldn’t have agreed with more,” Amanda said through sniffles as she wiped her nose. “I kind of feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
“Well, that’s another way of looking at it. You certainly didn’t plan to be pregnant, but even still, I’m so proud of you, Amanda. You’ve been so strong throughout this whole ordeal. And the fact that you were willing to carry the baby to term and help Lizzy and her husband have a child, I really admire you and how you’ve handled a very trying and difficult set of circumstances. Even though you weren’t planning to raise the baby, I know that you would’ve made sure that it had the best life possible and was well provided for. It just goes to prove the strength and goodness of your character. I admire you for that. I really do. I don’t know if I could’ve done what you were planning to do after what Jake did. What he put you through.”
“There really wasn’t any other option for me. I was just doing what I thought I had to do. But it’s over now. It’s time for me to move on. Now that this baby is out of my life that means Jake is out of my life too. For good. There’s nothing left to keep us connected to one another.”
“That’s true, and I know that’s what you wanted, to completely sever your ties with him.”
But is it what I truly wanted? Amanda thought, confused. Although still very angry at Jake and on the surface unable to fathom reconciliation let alone a life raising a child with him at that point, it had been her dream for so long to do exactly that. Maybe she really did want the baby, more than she had been willing to admit or acknowledge to herself. Maybe maintaining a connection to Jake in some tangible and meaningful way was what drove her desire to keep the baby. After all, she’d only been willing to consider adoptive parents that she personally knew and could remain easily in contact with so that she could keep tabs on and arrange occasional visits to see the child. Deep down, Amanda wasn’t even one hundred percent certain that she would’ve given the baby up as she’d planned. Her natural maternal instincts combined with her ill-fated but still powerful love for Jake and desire to be with him might’ve stopped her in her tracks. Although their relationship was broken and forever altered, the dream of it and all that it had represented was still very palpable.
“What I want is kind of fuzzy right now,” Amanda finally said.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I have mixed feelings about everything . . . losing the baby, losing Jake, losing the life that I had imagined and dreamed of having.”
“But you just said that you’ll be able to move on now—”
“But move on to what, Alex? I was building my life around a marriage . . . a partnership . . . a future with Jake . . . and having a family,” Amanda said in a sorrowful, plaintive tone still wiping tears from her face.
“But you have your business and you and Lucy are making so much progress.”
“Yeah, but we both know that Lucy is the real driving force behind that. Of course, my money and name are behind it too and we’re equal partners and all, but ultimately I would’ve become more of a silent partner, a figurehead for the brand like Sarah Jessica Parker is for her shoes. After the line is launched, most of the work would be done in New York and Milan by other people. I would’ve been here, eventually devoting most of
my time to being a wife and mother. I know I’ve represented to the world that I’m this career minded, ambitious person who’s the other half of this dynamic-duo female entrepreneur team with Lucy, but the truth is, Alex, outside of making appearances for Novel and being involved in major decision-making—popping out babies for Jake and being a stay-at-home mom, raising our kids, arranging play dates, being a PTA volunteer, and taking my kids to their ballerina classes or Little League games . . . that’s how I mostly envisioned my life. I know a lot of women would probably want to shoot me for saying that, but it’s true.
“I’m so angry with Jake right now, Alex. I want him to feel the pain I feel. I want to him to suffer like I’m suffering. Sometimes I just want to call him and scream at him, at the top of my lungs, for destroying what we had. He says he’s sorry and knows that what he did was wrong, but then why do it? How could he have been sleeping with Kirby the whole time we were together and be like, ‘Oh, I made a mistake, I’m sorry. I was wrong.’ Seriously? What the fuck, man?”
“I know. I wish I had an answer, Mandi. I really do. I think anyone who saw you two together and saw how close and in love you appeared to be is equally confused right now. But you’ve got to move on with your life and reimagine it with somebody else. You can still have what you want. The husband, the family, the PTA meetings, the ballet classes and Little League games, the fashion bag line . . . you just have to reimagine all of that with someone else. It sounds harsh, but Jake has to be dead to you now. You have to bury him and this false idea of the man he represented himself to be. You know the truth now. Better to know now than later . . . after you’d married and had children only to find out that your marriage was a sham. That would’ve been more of a disaster.”
“I know,” Amanda said with a sigh.
“You’re a strong person, sis, and this whole experience will make you even stronger.”