Last summer, it had taken weeks until she could get any kind of unbroken sleep without Ash at her side. Now that they were in such close proximity, she realized that she wouldn't be able to rest unless her bear could sense his presence nearby.
Her heart began to pound again as she clenched the bed sheets into a wrinkled landscape of fabric.
I don't have a choice, she told herself, trying to deny the powerful wave of want that rolled through her.
Her bear stirred eagerly as she rolled over and got out of bed.
Raymond woke up the moment she crossed the threshold into Ash's bedroom.
He saved her the embarrassment of making her request when he whispered, "Can't fall asleep without your mate?"
"Yeah," she replied.
It's the truth, but why do I feel like such a liar?
"Okay, trade you." He rose from the cot.
She saw that he was dressed in leopard-print flannel pajamas, and the sight made her smile.
"They were a gift from my fiancée," he said, grinning. "She thought they were appropriate because we're snow leopard shifters."
Wow, a sabertooth and a snow leopard, both in the same day!
Both of those shifter lineages were uncommon, and she wondered why Bearpaw Ridge seemed to attract so many different kinds of shifters.
Raymond padded silently out of the room and retrieved clean sheets from a closet in the hall. In a few moments, the cot had been stripped of bedding and freshly made up.
"Nighty-night," he breathed and headed for the guest bedroom she had just abandoned, a second set of sheets tucked under his arm.
Nika curled under a thick quilt and listened to the soft, regular sound of Ash's breathing. The master suite was bathed in the dim light of the pulsing monitors that stood like glowing sentries on one side of the large bed, keeping vigil over their patient.
Outside, there were none of the usual noises of city living—no rush of traffic, no horns honking, no airplanes overhead. There was only a deep silence that seemed to press against her eardrums.
Nika closed her eyes and tried to summon sleep. But it still hovered frustratingly out of reach.
Instead, she found herself bombarded by memories of her brief, wonderful time with Ash last summer. She had initially protested Mama's insistence on registering with the ShiftMatch online matchmaking service, pleading lack of time due to her clinical rounds.
And she knew that she would have even less free time to date once she graduated from medical school and began working the crazy shifts required for her residency.
Then Mama had threatened to withhold the tuition and living allowance for the coming year. And Nika had reluctantly agreed but had silently vowed not to take more than the bare minimum of dates assigned to her by ShiftMatch.
Her resolution had been easy to keep on the first date. Baldwin had been exactly the type of bear shifter male she loathed—arrogant, condescending, and transparently eager to form a connection with the powerful and wealthy Medved clan. All throughout dinner, Nika had felt like Baldwin had been courting the invisible presence of her parents rather than her.
But on her second ShiftMatch date, she had met Ash. And knew the moment he took her hand that he was The One. Her fated mate.
That night, and the dates that followed, only confirmed her first impression of him. He was smart, confident, and refreshingly passionate about his work and his company. Without appearing to be brash or overbearing, he had an air of strength and competence that was paired with generosity and good humor. His observations of the world around him were usually peppered with funny commentary.
Maybe it was because he had grown up in the middle of nowhere, but she was also pleasantly surprised by his old-fashioned courtesy and respect.
And when he took her to bed…wow. Just, wow. He was amazing…and each time they got together after that, the sex just got better and hotter.
Less than a month after they met, he proposed to her. And she said yes, and that night, they’d sealed their mating bond.
And then her parents had delivered their ultimatum the next morning. And she knew that she had no choice except to obey if she wanted Ash to live.
And Ash had to live. He had such a bright future ahead of him. Maybe he couldn't shift, but with his brains and his drive to succeed, he could accomplish anything else he wanted.
What followed had been the longest and most painful time of her life, as she fought to keep both her mating and her pregnancy a secret from her family…without Ash.
Early on in their romance, she'd managed to get her hands on a copy of the Bearpaw Ridge Fire Department's annual fundraising calendar. Ash's sister-in-law Steffi Tristan Swanson had put it together to raise money for a new paramedic van needed by the Bearpaw Ridge Fire Department.
In her loneliest moments since then, Nika had frequently turned to that calendar to remind herself who and what she was trying to protect.
Most of the firefighters featured in the calendar were incredibly fit and handsome, and the Swanson brothers were no exception. Steffi had managed to corral Ash and three of his older brothers into posing shirtless, wearing just their bunker pants and boots.
Ash had chosen to pose with Thunder, a puppy he had recently adopted from the Salmon Animal Shelter. Nika adored the affectionate expression that the photographer had caught as Ash bent his head to look at the animal in his arms.
That photo captured everything she had loved about Ash.
And now here she was, in his bedroom, near enough to hear his slow, steady heartbeat…and separated from him by a frustrating gap.
Go to sleep, she told herself. You're here with your mate. You can smell him. You can hear him. Isn't that enough?
It wasn't.
Nika spent an eternity longer on the cot, her eyes closed, tormented by his proximity.
Finally, defeated, she opened her eyes again to the shadow-cloaked room. By the glow of the monitors, she saw the shape of him stretched out on the bed under the blanket, and the clean line of his profile.
She could either stay over here on the cot and spend the night wide-awake and miserable…or she could take her place at his side in the bed and know that she would awaken instantly if there were any changes to his condition.
Every part of her ached with the need to touch him again. To press herself against his warmth and let it surround her.
Do it, her bear urged. He needs this as much as you do. It will help him finish healing.
And that was the only reason she needed to yield to her own need.
Moving as silently as she could, she rose from the cot and crossed the chasm of carpet that separated them.
Ash didn't stir as she lifted the comforter. A wave of warm air, thick with his scent, greeted her as she slid carefully into the bed next to him.
Lying next to him, feeling his body warmth surround her and drive away the last of the chill from the frigid winter day, felt like heaven. Nika curled on her side, surrounding her swollen belly, and felt sleep lapping at the edge of her mind.
She was so tired. She'd been tired for days…weeks…months. And this long day, with all its ups and downs, had completely drained her.
As she sank slowly below the surface, she knew that there was something she needed to remember, some reason why she couldn't stay here forever.
Then she felt the mattress shift. A heavy arm slid around her waist, followed by the beloved, familiar sensation of a hard body spooning her, gentle breath caressing the back of her neck.
I've finally come home, she thought, letting the warm, dark waters of sleep claim her at last.
Chapter 5 – Prodigal Mate
Even deeply asleep, Ash knew he was dreaming.
It felt so real, but it was the same dream that had visited him every night since the phone call that had shattered his life seven months ago.
He knew every bit of it by now, but that didn't stop his dream from turning into a nightmare.
The dream always began the same way:
Ash was sitting in his home office. His dream house was displayed on his realtor's website, and he was preparing to make an offer on it. Then his phone rang, and it was Nika.
I'm sorry, Ash. But I don't think we should see each other again. Her voice sounded hoarse, as if she'd been crying.
Even now, her words felt like the first seconds after you'd hurt yourself badly with a chainsaw. Numbness, followed by disbelief…where did all that blood come from?
And finally, overwhelming pain and the realization of how badly you'd been injured.
He'd still been at the numb disbelief stage when he replied. But, last night…you're my mate now! You can't dump me like I'm just some guy you've been dating!
And then the blood and pain arrived with her next words. I—I made a mistake. I'm so sorry. But I had some time to think after you flew home yesterday, and…I just don't think it's going to work out. I'm sorry, she repeated.
What the hell is going on, Nika? he demanded. She didn't sound like herself at all. Talk to me. I'm your mate. Whatever's going on, just tell me. I'll find a way to fix it.
A long silence. Over the phone line, he could hear her breathing. It sounded ragged. Panicked. The sound of it roused his protective instinct. You can't shift. Mating you would be too dangerous. My family has made a lot of enemies, Ash.
I thought you didn't care about that. And I can protect you! As always, the stark reminder of his biggest failure felt like acid burning against his pride.
Another long pause. Then her voice had gone soft and very gentle. No, you can't. And you know it. Please don't contact me again.
And with that, his mate cut the connection and abandoned him.
His dream kept following the well-worn path of that day, making him relive his agony over and over again.
Once again, he tried calling her the following morning, hoping that she'd just suffered a temporary derangement or cold feet or something like that, only to discover that she had blocked his number on her phone.
All of her social media accounts had blocked him as well.
In desperation, he had chartered a flight to Seattle in an attempt to reason with her, only to find that she had abruptly broken her lease and moved out of her student apartment.
He could have tracked her down, of course. He was very good at finding anything with an online presence.
Wounded and desperate, he had contemplated it. But he hadn't done it, not in real life.
She had made it clear that for whatever reason, she'd had a change of heart and wanted no further contact with him.
As bewildered and wounded and worried as he'd been, he had respected her decision, even if he didn’t understand it. Even though he suspected something very wrong had happened.
But in his dream, his desires always won out. Again and again, he relived the fantasy of tracking her down. Of finding her and confronting her.
And in his dreams, she always challenged him to shift for her. Do it, and I'll come back to you, Ash. But it's too dangerous for me to be with a shifter who can't shift.
Again and again, he would call on his bear, but it always remained firmly asleep deep inside him. Desperation and anger couldn't rouse it. And it was deaf to negotiation.
And in every iteration of his dream, Nika just stood there, watching him fail over and over again, wearing an expression of the deepest sadness and disappointment. See, I was right. A bear shifter who can't shift could never protect his mate or his children.
I'm sorry Ash.
Usually the dream ended there, with Ash defeated and abandoned. He'd wake up, sweating, his heart pounding as if he'd just returned from a fifteen-mile run.
This time though, the dream didn't end. It changed.
Ash found himself in his bed. With Nika.
Somehow, even though he hadn't been able to shift for her, she had still come back to him.
He felt her lush curves against his side, and the soft tickle of her hair against his face. Her presence felt so clear. So real.
Ash could even smell her, a sweet and musky scent, achingly familiar, that rose all around him and filled his nose. It was richer somehow, with new, deeper notes that made his sleeping bear stir.
Her pulse brushed the inside of his wrist like the flutter of butterfly wings.
Ash's nightmare had turned into the sweetest dream imaginable. He didn't want to wake up and lose these precious moments.
Then he did wake up.
And Nika's presence didn't fade away.
Am I still dreaming? Or is this the worst nightmare I've ever had?
His head was throbbing with pulses of pain that echoed his heartbeat, and his side ached with bruising that went straight down to the bone. All his muscles felt sore, and he felt disoriented.
Reluctantly, Ash opened his eyes and squinted painfully against the bright sunlight streaming into his room.
Yep, I'm pretty sure I'm awake.
But he could still smell his mate. Still feel her softness pressing against his side.
Then he felt her move. She rolled towards him, her glossy black hair an unruly tangle around her pale face, and reached for him without opening her eyes.
His heart pounding with joy and disbelief, Ash hungrily drank in the sight of her.
She's come back! She's really here!
Then his gaze fell on her midsection, and he felt like someone had just punched him in the gut.
All his anger and betrayal and pain came flooding back, dousing the pure flame of joy that had rekindled inside his chest.
She's pregnant? I'm going to be a father? Why didn't she tell me?
Ash saw Nika's eyes opening. Their gazes met.
"You're awake. Good," she mumbled sleepily. "Dr. Jacobsen said you'd be okay."
"What the hell are you doing here?" he croaked. The inside of his throat felt as raw as if it had been sandpapered.
He hadn't meant for his first words to her in seven months to come out like that. He'd rehearsed the moment of their reunion over and over again.
But he had never thought that she would just magically appear in his bed one morning.
Nika flinched at his harsh tone and suddenly looked wide awake. Her expression suddenly wary, she wriggled away from him, putting a cautious distance between them.
He hated himself for scaring her. But he had to know.
"Why did you come back?" he demanded, and began coughing.
Instead of answering him right away, she sat up with a visible effort and reached to pour him a glass of water from a pitcher on his nightstand.
He couldn't tear his gaze away from the sweet rounded bulge of her belly, where she was carrying a baby. His baby.
Nika handed him the glass, and he drank thirstily, his eyes never leaving her.
He was convinced that she might vanish if he looked away, even just for a second.
She was wearing a pair of long flannel pajamas decorated with various types of sushi. He remembered those pajamas were her favorite. Now, with her body blossoming with new life inside her, he saw how the pajama top was pulled taut over her belly and breasts.
Ash longed to release those generous curves from their tight fabric prison and run his hands over and touch every part of her, over and over again, until she was flushed and shaking with need.
Nothing had ever been better than making love to her. He had loved his ability to wring loud moans and cries of pleasure from her as he tasted her willing, oh-so-responsive body.
When he was finished drinking, and the glass was empty, she took it from him and put it back on the nightstand. He noticed how carefully she avoided his fingers, and he clenched his hands into fists to keep from reaching for her.
"Well?" he demanded, his voice rough with need.
She bowed her head, letting her hair slide forward to hide her expression. "You weren't answering your phone or replying to text messages. I came to warn you. I think my parents are going to send a hit man to kill you. Or Papa might come to do it himself."
What the
hell?
He knew he was gaping at her. Of all the things he'd expected her to say, that hadn't been on the list.
"Kill me?" he asked, wishing he didn't feel so fuzzy. "Why?"
None of this was making any sense.
He tried to remember why he'd woken up feeling like he’d been on the losing end of a brawl. The last thing he could remember with any certainty was standing on the roof of the Ornelas family's home. Everything after that was a jumbled mass of fragmentary impressions and bits of conversation.
I don't even know what day this is.
Nika looked up, her face twisted with anguish. She put protective hands over the mound of her belly.
"After we mated…when you went home…," she began, still not looking at him.
"I had to go," he protested, stung at the unfairness. "We talked about it, remember? It was just going to be for a week or two. I just needed to pack up my stuff before moving out to Seattle. When you dumped me, I was in the middle of putting in an offer on that house you liked, the one with a view of Union Bay."
He wished he could read the expression on her face, but she had bowed her head once more, and her hair formed an impenetrable veil.
She shook her head. "I know that," she said impatiently. "It wasn't anything you did—it was my parents. Mama phoned right after you left and ordered me to break off my relationship with you. She said she'd decided to arrange a match with someone else…a real shifter, she called him."
"And that's all it took?" he asked, trying to keep his voice normal despite the emotional gut-punch that felt like it had driven all the air out of his lungs. "Your mother told you to dump your mate, and you just obeyed her?"
Months of pain and bitterness welled up through the cracks in his voice.
"Of course not!" Nika protested. She sounded angry. "I was just trying to protect you! I knew my parents would have you executed if they found out that I'd mated you without their permission. Breaking up with you and making them think that things hadn't gotten as far—as far as they did was the only way I could keep you safe from them!"
When she lifted her head to glare at him, he saw hints of shifter gold shimmering through the tears welling in her luminous gray eyes.
Ash (Bearpaw Ridge Firefighters Book 6) Page 6