Just as I felt my body tighten, Alex released his hold on me and jerked away. I quickly opened my eyes in response, shocked and embarrassed that he had stopped just before letting me release on his fingers.
I could feel the flush across my face as my chest rose and fell again, my heartbeat vibrating loudly against my ribs. He looked dangerous…his eyes tense and his hands balled into fists.
“Alex…” I panted, gripping my hands against the edge of the counter.
He stepped toward me, pressing his forehead to mine. His heavy breathing matched mine as we struggled to catch our breaths. Realization finally washed over me and I felt worse than ever.
“Not like this…” he began, guilt rising up in my core at how pained his voice sounded. “Not here.”
I closed my eyes to keep the tears from coming, but my body was so worked up, and my mind was spinning out of control between what my body wanted and what my mind knew.
I wanted to say something, to beg him to forget this ever happened, but I couldn’t get the words to come out. He leaned back on his heels and turned away, storming out of the kitchen and leaving me behind.
I jumped off the counter and sunk to the ground. I buried my head in my knees as tears leaked down my cheeks. How could I let that happen?
I COULDN’T FOCUS on anything at work. I kept screwing shit up, messing up emails and even told another assistant to shove my six inch heels up her ass.
Yes…it’d been a bad day.
I knew what I needed to do and the thought scared the crap out of me. I needed to confront Alex. I needed him to know it couldn’t—wouldn’t—happen again. If we had to stay in the same house together, we needed to act like two grown-ups and put it all past us.
However, my gut feeling was telling me he probably wouldn’t accept that.
I texted Staci earlier to meet up for happy hour so I could talk this out. Part of me wanted her to just be there for me while the other part wanted her to knock some sense into me.
As I walked into the Pony Bar, I found Staci already in a booth waiting for me. I immediately smiled as a wave of relief washed over me. It was always good to see her.
“Hey! You look like shit,” she said, wrapping her arms around me.
“It’s always a pleasure to see you, too.”
She released her hold on me and studied my face. “Sorry. You just look rough, is all.”
“Yeah, well I feel rough.”
“What’s going on?” she asked as we took a seat across from each other.
I rolled my eyes as I answered, “Alex. That’s what’s going on.”
A waitress stopped by and took our drink order before I responded. “I might’ve kissed him.” She gasped and her jaw dropped in response. I bowed my head and put my hands on my forehead. “I know, I know!”
“So wait…last I heard was the whole shower incident. Then you were avoiding him like the plague. What happened?”
“I had been avoiding him, but then he caught me in the kitchen early this morning, and we were bickering and next thing I knew, my mouth was on his.” I took a sip of my margarita and waited for her to flip out.
“So you kissed him?”
I cringed just hearing those words. “Sort of.”
“Mac…what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” My face fell into my hands. I really didn’t know.
“So what happened after that?”
I felt my face reddened, embarrassed just thinking about it. “He pulled me up on the counter and kissed me back. Then he backed away, said ‘not like this’ and stormed out.” I sighed, closing my eyes. “It was humiliating. I don’t know what got into me.”
“This isn’t you, Mac…” She paused to flash me a sympathetic smile. “You’ve always been the good girl. It was one thing to have a one-night stand, but to carry it on? You aren’t the type of person to do that. You’re loyal and kind, not a cheater. Hell, you even put your real weight on your driver’s license!”
I exhaled, massaging my temples. She was right. Ever since Brittainy’s bachelorette party, something changed. “I’ve never had a one-night stand before, Stace. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I just…I wish I could go back to three weeks ago and none of this would be happening.”
“Okay, listen. It’s obvious you’re attracted to him. You like him, but is it enough to call off the engagement? Is that even what you want?”
“No…I mean, I don’t know. He makes me feel different. When I’m with William, it’s easy, simple. I love him and he loves me. It’s not messy. With Alex, it’s…complicated. I don’t want to have those feelings for him. Does that make me sound crazy?”
“No, it makes you human. You just need to make a decision. Is William enough for you? And if so, what are you going to do about Alex? You can’t keep living with him while you’re planning your wedding. Or you just need to straight up tell him.”
“Tell him what?” I took another large sip.
“That his games aren’t going to work anymore. That you love William and he can either get over it or move out. Plain and simple.”
I couldn’t be sure if it was the alcohol or the idea of facing him again, but my stomach turned and I starting feeling nauseous. “I can’t believe I kissed him…” I mumbled, shaking my head at myself. “I don’t know what it is about him, but it’s like I just can’t think straight around him.”
“Well, it doesn’t help that he’s hot as fuck.” I glared back at her. “But that aside, the quicker you do it, the quicker it’s over. Plus, your event is tomorrow. You deserve to enjoy yourself without all this added stress.”
Shit. The charity event had been all I could think about up until a few weeks ago. The distraction of Alex and him moving in had pulled me elsewhere. I needed to do this tonight or I’d never be able to get through tomorrow night without a panic attack.
Staci waved the waitress back over and ordered another round. We drank and laughed and talked more about the event. I was hosting it with the charity spokesperson and Staci had helped with small details here and there.
“I’m bummed you aren’t going.” I pouted, pushing my lower lip out at her.
“Trust me, I wish I could.” She sipped on her straw, sucking out the final drops of her drink. Her sister just had a baby and she was being baptized this Sunday, which meant she had to fly out tomorrow afternoon.
It was almost seven before I realized William had texted me to let me know he was home. “I better get going.” I knew I had to talk to Alex, too.
We said our goodbyes and on the ride home, I thought about how I was going to talk to him without falling right back into his trap.
It was going to take all the strength in the world because the last thing I wanted was to fight with William in the house.
I ARRIVED HOME and was greeted with William in the kitchen. I stared intently at the counter spot I was sitting on this morning with Alex—flashes of his lips, body, hands surfaced and just as fast, I pushed them away.
William walked toward me with a wide smile, but I could see the defeat in his eyes. He was tired, from a long day I was sure, but I plastered on a fake smile as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Hello, darling. I ordered us some food. I hope that’s all right.”
“Sounds great,” I said, relieved I wouldn’t have to try to find the energy to cook anything.
Our food arrived and only William sat down with me to eat. I didn’t have the nerve to ask him where Alex was, but it was in my mind the entire time. I knew I needed to talk to him, but I’d have to wait until William was busy. I knew what I needed to say, but I was dreading it the entire time I ate.
After dinner and clean up, William said he had some things in his study to finish from the day. I decided to make a turkey sandwich for Alex since I was sure he was hungry.
“Alex?” I called, looking from room to room.
“In here,” I heard him call back. From the faintness of his tone, I could tell he was in his bedroom. I hadn�
��t been in there since he moved in and it felt weird going in there now.
“I have a sandwich for you…” I announced.
“You can bring it in.”
“Can’t you come out here?”
“Why? You afraid of my bedroom?” he asked with amusement heavy in his tone.
“Uh, no. Just didn’t think it was appropriate.” I held the plate in my hand and nervously circled my thumb on the bottom.
“I won’t bite, Mac. You’re allowed in.”
I sighed. Fine.
I hesitantly pushed the door open, finding him on his bed. He was sitting up against the headboard with a book in his hand and his ankles casually crossed. What threw me off even more than the scene in front of me were the black-rimmed glasses he was wearing. He looked like a completely different Alex than the one I kissed this morning.
“You’re reading?”
He dropped the book onto his stomach and looked at me, a smirk playing on his lips. “Is that hard to believe?”
“Well…kinda.” I chuckled, setting the plate on the end of his bed. “What are you reading?”
“John Grisham’s The Racketer.”
“Sounds like a party.”
He shrugged. “Better than being out there.”
My throat dropped into my stomach at the way he nodded his head past me. I knew what he was implying and my heart raced at just the thought of what happened that morning.
I bowed my head a moment before looking back up at him and responding, “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
He swung his legs off and placed the book on the bed. “What’s to talk about, Mac?”
I swallowed at the deep, harsh tone of his voice and the way his face tensed as he blinked up at me. “That can’t happen again, Alex. We crossed a line. I’m engaged and…”
He stood up and stalked toward me before I could finish. “You really think that ring on your finger means anything?” he mocked but continued before I could fight back. “That kiss…that meant something, Mac.”
“It never should’ve happened,” I shot back just as he began to walk toward me. I took a step back, but it didn’t matter—he caged me to the wall.
“It’s already happened, Mac. That night happened and whether or not you want to admit it, you feel it. And not only that, but you want me. You want us.”
My heart pounded from the strength of his words. I couldn’t believe how blunt he was and how nervous he was making me. He intimidated me and my nerves couldn’t take anymore.
“Fine!” I threw back in his face, pushing my hands against his chest. He stumbled back slightly as I continued, “I want you. I can’t help it. But that doesn’t mean anything. That doesn’t mean we can be anything. I made a promise to William and whether or not I have feelings for you, it doesn’t justify what we’ve done.” His eyes burned into mine, dark and tense as he absorbed my words. I whispered, “So you need to just let this be…we’ve had one night, one kiss. But it needs to stop now, Alex.”
“I can’t stop, Mac—kissing you, touching you, being around you—it’s uncontrollable.” He brushed his finger over my lower lip, popping it out.
“What do you want with me? Why can’t you see this is killing me?” I asked as his hand moved to the soft part of my cheek. The air around us seemed to still as he inched closer.
“I want you. I’ve told you that.”
“Yes, but what does that mean exactly?” I challenged.
His hand traced over my collarbone and then he slid it down my arm and gripped my wrist. “It means I wish you felt how strongly I felt. My dad isn’t the one for you…he’s not the right guy. I’m not saying I’d be able to give you the lifestyle he does, or an apartment like this, and I can tell you already, we’ll fight and you’ll want to throw shit at me, but I’d always be one-hundred percent invested in us, Mac. I’d never stop looking at you, craving to touch you, and loving you. I’d always give you everything I could offer and even then, I’d want to give you even more than that.”
My eyes were glued to his as he spoke to me, telling me what any girl would love to hear. His words were beautiful and they hurt. I wanted to reciprocate them, but I knew I couldn’t. Tears stung my eyes as he continued, “That night wasn’t a mistake, Mac. What I feel—what we had—is so intense, and I know you feel it, too.” This was passionate Alex and he was perfect as hell. The way he spoke about me, us, made me want to give in, wrap my arms around him, and tell him I felt it, too.
But I couldn’t find the strength to allow myself to go there. I loved William and was fully content with the life we had together, but Alex was making me sick with guilt, and it wasn’t something I wanted to live with anymore.
I bowed my head and slowly pulled my wrist out of his grasp. “I’m sorry, Alex…I wish I could give you what you feel for me, but I can’t. I just…can’t.” It felt like a knife twisting in my stomach to say those words, but I needed them to hurt. I needed him to let the idea of him and I go.
“Why are you making this so difficult?” he growled. “It’s easy, Mac. You and I have something…whether or not you remember it—I know your body does. You wouldn’t be pushing so hard if you didn’t feel something.”
He placed two fingers under my chin, making our eyes connect again. I didn’t want him to see the tears, the pain this was bringing me, so I swallowed and forced them back. “This is the opposite of easy,” I choked out. He didn’t move, so I continued. “I need to go,” I said weakly, taking a step to walk past him, but he stepped in front of me, barricading me to the wall.
“Don’t leave. You know you don’t want to. I see it in your face, your movements, your words. Whether or not his ring is on your finger, you’re not his. You’re just fooling yourself and everyone else that thinks so. Is that something you can live with?”
My blood was boiling by how direct and pushy he was being. I’ve told him everything I needed to say, and now I needed to make sure this would be the last time because I was sick of feeling this way.
“All we do is fight, so what’s the point?” I pushed back.
“You’re scared. That’s why you’re running.”
“No.” I shot right back. “I belong with him.”
“Why?” Why? I couldn’t think when he was in my face like this—my body couldn’t be trusted.
“We don’t fight,” I said the first thing that came to my head. “It’s easy… it’s…”
“Boring,” he filled in for me. “At least with me, it’s interesting. Passionate. The chemistry is electric, Mac. I know you feel it. Stop fighting it and we’d stop fighting.”
“I can’t.” I pursed my lips, tightening my face.
“You won’t.” He pushed back. The intensity in his eyes was almost too much. He was pushing his boundaries and he knew it.
“Regardless of how you feel about me and how my body reacts to you, this—” I wave a finger between the both of us. “—can never be anything. I’ve had to fend for myself my entire life, be the responsible one just so I’d have something to eat, and I worked my way up to get a career I’ve always wanted. I’m happy. I am proud of everything I’ve accomplished to get here, on my own. Why can’t you just let me be content?”
“And let you live a lie? Is that what you truly want?” he challenged.
“It’s not a lie…I am happy,” I threw back, confused. “I might not particularly like certain aspects of my life, but it’s a hell of a lot better than I’ve had in the past. So no, I’m not going to ruin it just because of one night. A night that should’ve never happened in the first place.”
“You keep saying that, Mac, but how much of that do you actually believe? I don’t believe in coincidences. For that one night, you were just Mac…not arm candy, beautiful to gawk at, Mac…you let your guard down and when we met, electricity passed between us that even you couldn’t deny.”
“That wasn’t electricity, Alex. That’s called too much alcohol…way, way too much.”
He l
aughed in my face and shook his head. “And now we’re back to denial. One step forward, five steps backward.” He rubbed the back of his neck in frustration and spun around in defeat. I hated that this was happening, but it had to be done. I needed to reset the boundaries.
“It’s not denial. I was confused,” I defended. “You confuse me, Alex. But even so, I have to go with my instincts.”
He spun back around and faced me. “Well...” He huffed a laugh before continuing. “Your instincts are wrong.” He pushed past me and walked out of his room without another word.
Well then.
That could’ve gone better.
I sighed, wiping the tears from my eyes. I heard the front door slam shortly after that. I grabbed the plate with his uneaten sandwich and walked it back to the kitchen. I wrapped it up and placed it in the fridge before hiding away in the bathtub for the rest of the night.
Chapter Fourteen
I lay in bed all night in a haze. It was past midnight before my brain finally turned off and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I turned and felt an empty space next to me. It was a little past eight and then I noticed a note on William’s pillow.
Darling,
Sorry to leave before you woke up, but there was an emergency at the Chicago branch and I had to fly out. Be home as soon as I can!
I sighed as I realized he might not make it back in time to drive with me to the event. But I wasn’t going to let that bother me right now. I had too much other shit on my mind. Alex.
I rolled out of bed and immediately jumped into the shower. I had planned to be there by seven p.m. I hired Chelsea to deal with the set-up arrangements so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. She helped with the catering and making sure everything was done right. It was refreshing not having to stress over that for once—I had other things to worry about.
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