by Bijou Hunter
Something hid behind his hunger and I saw it awaken in that moment. The emotion was like desperation. As if I offered every possibility for him, yet remained just out of reach. Then, Judd blinked and the emotion was hidden by his cold blue eyes.
“Tell me you didn’t want that guy.”
“You mean lie?”
Judd swallowed. “How can you want him and me? He’s a fucking child who nearly wet himself then ditched you like a coward. I’m a man.”
“I remember you mentioning you’re a man that day you ditched me like a coward.”
Judd exhaled softly. “Fuck,” he whispered.
“Yes, it’s cruel of me to use your words against you.”
“You want this.”
“I want to eat only candy and stay up late watching TV and sit on my ass like a lazy bitch every day. I want lots of things that are bad for me. I’m an adult now and I can’t afford to make bad choices.”
Judd glanced around with a grumpy expression. He suddenly looked rather young and maybe a little lost too.
“Aren’t you going to say how you’re not a bad decision?” I asked when he said nothing.
“I’m a shit decision. The worst of your life, but we both need you to make it.”
Twirling my hair, I shook my head. “Farah came here and worked hard. She had to live with my mom. Farah made friends and met Cooper and took chances and made a new life. I’m doing that too because I want a good life. I never wanted anything besides not to die violently or for my sister to stop loving me. Now, I want nice things too.”
When he only watched me silently, I whispered, “You’re beautiful.”
Judd exhaled as if he was exhausted. “I need you to say yes.”
“I can’t.”
“Guys like that punk from earlier will treat you nice until they fuck you then they’ll walk away. This college town is full of those fuckers. Not just the college guys either. The club guys, men outside the club, but who work for the Johanssons. There are a lot of men around here who use young women. I should know. I was one of them.”
“Was?”
“I want you.”
“For how long?”
“Until I don’t.”
Deflating a little, I shrugged. “Nice sales pitch.”
“So you want to be sold on this.”
“I want you, but I can’t have you. I see how proud Farah is when she does well on a test. She’s different now. Confident and strong. She gets that from Cooper because she can be real with him. Maybe I can’t have school and a sense of accomplishment like that, but I can feel good about work. I’ve made friends and I’ve never had friends except for Farah. I like who I’m becoming, but I have to make good decisions and you said you’re a bad decision.”
“I’m not a man to depend on. I could lie and tell you to trust me, but you deserve better than bullshit.”
Judd and I shared the same habit as Farah and me where we could fall into silence for periods of time without it feeling weird. For the next few minutes until dinner arrived, we simply watched each other while hiding in our heads.
Dinner brought a few throwaway comments about how good the food tasted then we returned to silence. After I ate and enjoyed the sensation of a full stomach, I really looked at Judd.
Even knowing he was bad for me, I couldn’t shake how beautiful he was and how much I wanted to kiss him again. While he would discard me in a way I might never recover from, I needed to know.
“We should have sex.”
“We will,” he said, giving me a grin. “Not the way you mean.”
“Come again?”
“And again and again.”
Rolling my eyes, I ignored his grin. “Do you want to go somewhere and have sex?”
“Sex sounds too clinical.”
“Fuck then.”
Judd frowned. “No, I fuck other women. I don’t know what it would be called with you. Sex sounds like how my mom whispers the word though.”
“So do you want to go somewhere?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not looking at me like you did in the parking lot that day. You’re looking at me like this is an errand you need to run. The Arby’s you need to get out of your system. I want you to look at me like you did that day.”
“I don’t know how I looked at you.”
“Don’t expect me to imitate the facial expression. I only have three of them and I’m not angry or coming. That only leaves the expression you’re looking at right now.”
“You’re too fucking precious with all your sweet talk.”
Judd’s eyes narrowed, but I saw him fighting a grin. “I don’t sweet talk or romance chicks. I just talk them up and let them know I want to fuck. They either walk away or don’t. It’s not complicated. This here with you is all kinds of complicated.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell me you want me.”
“I want to…” With sex and fuck off the table, I finished with, “be naked with you.”
“You’re still not looking at me like you did that day.”
“It’s not that day anymore.”
Judd’s gaze darkened. “I need you to look at me like that. If you don’t, I’ll fuck you and use you like I use women. I need that damn look, but you’re looking at me like I’m shit.”
“You hurt me. Forgiving assholes is a loser move. I want to be stronger than that.”
“I want you to be stronger too, but you need to let me in because I need to know.”
“If I’m your Arby’s?”
Judd sagged a little in the chair. “I feel like I’ll never get what I want.”
“Don’t cry. You’re a man, remember?”
“And you’re being a nasty bitch.”
“Don’t call me a bitch. Ever.”
Judd grinned at my tone. “If you keep giving me that sexy look, I’m excusing myself to deal with something in the bathroom.”
“Ew.”
“You get me riled up.”
Again, I felt flustered by his comments because I really wanted him to find me beautiful. No one except Farah ever said I was, but I needed for Judd to see me that way. I might even think it about myself one day, if I knew this was how he saw me.
Instead of admitting my feelings, I remained angry. “If you call me a bitch again, I’ll really think you’re shit.”
“Dad called you a bitch, didn’t he?”
“Among other people.”
Judd watched me with those sad blue eyes. “I don’t want to be included with the other people.”
“Then, don’t say it to me.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, giving me a lazy smile.
“I want to be treated with respect,” I muttered, still irritated. “I’ve noticed how Bailey and her mom walk around expecting people to treat them with respect. They’re respected even when Bailey does dumb stuff.”
“That’s not respect, babe. That’s fear.”
“Maybe, but I’ll settle for respect.”
“I respect you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I view you different than I view most people. You have value where most people don’t and I don’t respect most people. I figure that means I respect you.”
“I don’t think it means respect.”
“Whatever. You’re pissy now.”
“You called me a bitch.”
“I know. I was right here when it happened.”
At no point had Judd apologized for calling me a bitch. I knew this and so did he.
Glaring at him, I looked around. “I need to go home.”
Judd’s eyes held a cold indifference. Yet, I knew he was working things out, so he might still get what he wanted. I had offered my body, but he wanted my heart too. When I said no, he hurt me once again. Screw him!
“I’ll catch the bus,” I said, standing up. “Thanks for dinner.”
“What makes you think I’m paying for your half of the bill?” h
e muttered, glancing up at me as I slid on my jacket.
Panic struck as I imagined how much I’d spent then I shrugged. “Cooper will pay for it. I’ll call him and explain what happened.”
“Don’t threaten me.”
“Have a good night.”
Leaving the restaurant, I hoped to outmaneuver Judd. The moment I thought this, I knew I was being stupid. The man hunted criminals for other criminals. He was a killer like Cooper said, so I wasn’t outmaneuvering shit.
Walking towards the bus stop down the street, I heard a snap of thunder in the distance. More autumn storms were headed our way and I would likely get stuck waiting in the rain for my bus transfer.
Judd pulled his black SUV next to the bus stop. Leaning over to open the passenger door, he said, “I’m driving you home.”
When a drop of rain splashed down on my nose, I sighed at how the fucking weather was on Judd’s side. Yet, he needed to be punished. Even if he didn’t, I wanted to be strong and he always made me weak. However, there was nothing strong about throwing a fit and getting soaked to make a point.
Climbing into the SUV, I shut the door. “I assume you know where I live.”
“You need a new place.”
“I guess you don’t need directions then.”
Jaw twitching with irritation, Judd sighed. “This is happening.”
“I offered the naked thing, but you’re never satisfied.”
“You don’t want the naked thing,” he said, a mocking tone to the last two words. “Not the way you’re offering. You need it to be special. Some chicks can get off and walk away. You aren’t one of them.”
“I could be anyone I wanted, if I just worked hard enough.”
“You know that’s bullshit. People can’t choose to be whatever they want, but they believe the fairytale to give themselves false hope. You are what and who you are.”
“And what’s that?”
“Damaged and desperate to find a place where you fit,” he said and I frowned at him. “You fit with me.”
“Is that a dick pussy thing?”
“You know what it is. If I only wanted to fuck you, I’d have agreed earlier. I need this as much as you do.”
Leaning away from him, I stared out the window as the storm broke free. Judd watched me whenever we sat at lights, but I ignored him. Depression crept around my thoughts as I remembered how he smiled for me during our trip. How he carried me to bed when I had a nightmare. How he never touched me, despite promising he would take even if I didn’t offer. Mostly, I remembered how I felt in his arms.
As much as I needed him, he had hurt me once and I knew he would again. My heart was bruised from his last rejection. Yet, he needed what he needed and tomorrow wasn’t his concern. It was mine though.
Arriving at my apartment, I looked out at the dark evening. Everything was murky through the heavy rains.
“Thanks for dinner,” I said, reaching for the door handle.
Judd took my hand and watched me with pained eyes. “I don’t accept that.”
Sighing, I leaned away from him. “I’m your Arby’s.”
“No, you’re my McDonald’s.” When I frowned, Judd continued, “When I was a kid, I obsessed about going to McDonald’s. When I was there, I loved every single moment of it. Driving away, I would already want to go back. I never got tired of it, so if we’re comparing my feelings for you to a shitty fast food joint then you’re my McDonald’s.”
Even oddly touched by his words, I pulled my hand away. “Maybe it’ll happen one day.”
“Why not right fucking now?”
“You kept saying how you were a man and I needed to be a woman. Not even a woman, but a strong woman. I’m not there yet, but one day.”
“I said that to get rid of you.”
“And you did get rid of me and we both know you meant it too.”
“I lie to myself, Tawny. It’s how I survive. I’m sure you lie to yourself too. Hell, you’re probably fucking lying to yourself when you tell me no now. You want this.”
“I’m not fucking you.”
Judd erased the space between us and pressed me against the door. “Don’t you dare make this about fucking,” he whispered in nearly a growl. “Don’t think I would beg over a fuck. I can get laid. This is something else and it’s why I hurt you. I’m not equipped for something else. I’m not a man who knows how to do much more than fucking, but I’m trying here. For you, I’m trying, but I can’t do it alone.”
Staring into his eyes, I saw the pain in his expression. When I said nothing, he continued, “I’d go back and change things if I could, but that just ain’t happening. I was right to walk away and I’m wrong to be here now, but my heart won’t let me leave. I know you want me to ignore it like you’re ignoring yours, but I’ve never given my heart anything it wanted before. I’m giving it this.”
Finally finding my voice, I whispered, “My heart needs to be safe. That’s what it wants and it deserves that after getting hurt so much before.”
Pulling away, I left the SUV and walked through the rain to my apartment. I knew Judd was following. Even with his soft catlike movements and the pouring rain, I heard him behind me. Felt his gaze on me too. Mostly, I sensed he was still working towards his goal.
Unlocking the door, I turned to tell him to leave. Judd was closer than I thought and his hands touched my face gently. Kissing me, he was so careful. As he fought to remain in control, his hands shook as his lips left mine.
Searching my face, he stared at me in the dark wet night. “You still aren’t looking at me like you did that day.”
“Because that day I trusted you and believed in us. I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“Please, Tawny,” he whispered, barely audible over the snap of thunder.
“I’m sorry, but whatever we had that day is gone. Even if I wanted to try again, I can’t forget how you walked away as if I meant nothing. Nothing you say can make you walking away okay. I would have waited for you. Would have given you space. Would have given you anything, but you ditched me like I was shit. My heart can’t forgive you.”
Judd opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He needed me to fix things, but I wasn’t the one who ruined them. I really would have waited. Months, years, whatever he needed because I truly thought he was mine and was worth waiting for. No dates with guys like Ryan. No wavering from my feelings. If he had told me not yet, instead of no, I would have waited forever.
“Goodnight, Judd,” I said, disappearing into the apartment.
Judd said nothing as I shut the door. I waited a few minutes, just dripping on the ugly brown carpet before peeking out the curtains to find him stuck in the same place, staring at where I’d been. A part of me wanted to console him, but I couldn’t handle him hurting me again. No matter how much I tried to protect myself from his power, he weakened my resolve with simply a look.
Leaving the front room, I walked into the bathroom. After my shower, I dressed in a nightgown then found my slippers. Even with the storm raging and the noisy neighbors on both sides, I somehow heard Judd at the door. Just him moving slightly, not even knocking or attempting to draw my attention.
Unwilling to think of him standing in the rain, I still peeked out the curtains to find him sitting on the ground, against the door, soaking wet. How long would he really wait before the rain grew too much? While I shouldn’t open the door, I did a crack.
Judd stood up and stared at me from under his sopping wet bangs. Bracing his hands on either side of the door, he watched me and I watched him. I was waiting, but he said nothing.
“You should go home,” I finally said.
“My dad was into teenage girls,” he said, over the storm’s fury. “For years, he seduced the lonely ones without dads or the ones with dads who ignored them. He liked them younger and younger and eventually he found one that was young enough for someone to notice. His luck ran out when her real dad turned out to be a thug from Miami. I don’t know what hap
pened to him because I was hiding states away with my mom and brother. My dad was a bastard, but it didn’t end with him.
Judd took a breath like he could barely continue then he forced his words out. “My brother is in prison for raping a thirteen year old. Kept her for days and hurt her so bad she nearly died. He’s doing twenty years, but no doubt will hurt another girl when he gets out. It’s in our blood to hurt women. Every man in my family does. Not just young girls, but wives and daughters. Hell, they even beat their mistresses.”
Judd took a breath and stared at me with pained eyes. “I come from shit stock, Tawny. The worst kind of shit and I never let myself get close to a woman because one day I knew I would do what the other men in my family do. I would hurt a woman because it’s in me to do it. I should never have a woman, but I need you. Fuck, that day in the parking lot when you said those words and looked at me the way you did, I knew I should run away and never talk to you again. Instead, I kissed you because it was what I needed and I thought one kiss would make the need go away. I was so fucking stupid. All I wanted when I kissed you was to keep kissing you. I tried to think I could be better than I am. Then, we got to your sister’s place and I saw you looking like a broken young girl and I knew I’d never be better. I’d destroy you and I was fucking evil to even consider taking the chance. So I made you leave me because I couldn’t leave you.”
Judd’s face was a mask of pain as if every wall he built over the years came crashing down like the thunder around us. I saw the shame and rage and need. Mostly, I saw the desire for something better than he deserved. Every day, I woke up with the same desire.
“I should have stayed away. But I tasted you on my lips every fucking day and I couldn’t forget how you felt in my arms. It felt too damn perfect and I wanted to feel it again. I needed you, but I stayed away. Then, that day I saw you and I knew I was wasting time. Eventually, I was coming back for you, so I was pissing away days, weeks, and months for something I knew I wanted. Maybe it’s too late though. It should be too late because I made you think you’re shit. I know I should walk away, but I can’t.”
Fighting for control, Judd shoved his hands through his wet hair. “I need you to let this happen because all my life has been about denying myself and I’m good at it. I need nothing and I don’t give myself what I want often either. I like doing without because it keeps me strong, but I can’t be strong with you. Not anymore. I saw that ugly pain in your eyes and knew I put it there. I stomped you down like your dad and a million other fuckers did and I know you deserve better. I know that, but I got a taste of something too good to walk away from and I never really did walk away. Even driving away with you crying and hurting, I knew I was coming back. I won’t pretend I’m a good man or you can change me. I’m the kind of man who hurt you before and the kind you should run from, but I need you to let me close again, angel. I need it more than I need to breathe.”