by Bijou Hunter
“Because you want me?”
Shaking my head, I shrugged. “With those men, I didn’t want it and I was scared, but…”
Lowering my gaze, I wished I could be someone else. I wanted to forget, yet I was me and no amount of lies would change this fact.
“You came,” he whispered, staring at me.
Nodding, I began to cry. “How did you know? Is it that obvious what I am?”
Judd cupped my face. “You’re so fucked up in your head. How can you not know how damaged you are?”
“I know.”
Judd tugged me to the couch where I sat in my damp clothes. He held my hand tenderly then wiped away a tear falling down my cheek.
“Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she goes wild five seconds in. Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she never comes at all. I don’t do anything different because I just want to get off. Do you get what I’m saying?”
I shook my head.
“Some women are just more sensitive and they get riled up without any help from me. Other women need a lot of help. You’re more sensitive, babe. I didn’t fuck you great that first time. Maybe not any of the times, but you came hard for me. Your body is sensitive to touch like some chicks ain’t. That doesn’t make you a whore. What those fuckers did to you doesn’t make you a whore either.”
Staring at where Pearl cuddled on my lap, I sighed. “Farah never did. Those men would bitch about how she was a lousy lay, just staring and crying the whole time. When my dad came to pay the men and get us back, the head one who hurt Farah so much, he said that the next time my dad was low on cash, he shouldn’t run around like a chicken with his head cut off. He should just put me on the streets because I was a natural whore.”
With his walls up, Judd hid his rage well. Even with hints of it around his eyes, he remained calm. As his cool exterior soothed me, my tears ended, only wetness on my face now.
“There was this little girl who was abused by her evil fuck of a father. The tweeker worked for Kirk and he was skimming off the top. Stealing from the Johanssons is an easy way to die. This guy was messing with his kid when we got there. Vaughn about tore his head off, but I stopped him because we needed info. Anyway, this fucker said the girl liked it. She asked for it all the time because it felt good. Maybe she did, but she was a kid and didn’t know any better. Her body wasn’t meant for that, but evil men will make excuses for their evil. Those fuckers who hurt you are evil, but they wanted to think they were right. No one likes being evil. Every one of them that I’ve held a gun to has bullshit me in the way they bullshit themselves. Doesn’t change how it’s bullshit though, Tawny. Some part of you knows how you and that little girl and those girls my dad seduced never wanted what happened to them. Your body doesn’t need to be on the same page as your head and heart.”
Still holding my hand, Judd stared at me. “You need to understand that because I see this look in your eyes like you don’t want to see tomorrow and you need to fucking see tomorrow. Your sister needs you and I do too. I can’t have just a taste of something so damn good then lose it. You’ll destroy us by leaving, so you need to see past your pain. The truth is you came for those bastards because your body wasn’t yours. You were young, right?”
When I nodded, he continued, “Kids don’t know shit about their bodies. They can’t control the reactions. Your sister wasn’t trying not to come anymore than you were trying to. It’s not you or her. Those bastards knew that too, but they bullshit with their lies because no one wants to be the villain in their own life story.”
Sighing, I pet Pearl as Judd caressed my cheek. “It was different with me, wasn’t it?”
“With you, it was beautiful and perfect.”
When Judd gave me a little smile, I saw a hint of insecurity behind the tough guy exterior.
“Thank you for telling me about your dad and brother,” I said, pushing my hair behind my ears. “I needed to understand why you would walk away from me. I wanted you to have a good reason, so I could trust you. I know you didn’t want to tell me, but I’m glad you did.”
“I worried you’d never look at me like you did that day. Yet, maybe telling you would make you never look at me like that again too. I didn’t want you to know what I am.”
“You never raped a girl.”
“No, but I’m not a good man. I was sent to get you because people might need killing. Your dad or those fuckers at the motel. That’s why they sent me and not just any errand boy. You can’t forget I’m a man with blood on my hands.”
Running my thumb over his bottom lips, I smiled softly. “The world is ugly and it’s torn me apart. More than anything else, I want to feel safe. With you, I do. I also feel like you’re mine.”
Judd glanced around the room then back at me. When his gaze focused on my face, his anger was obvious.
“You’re so damn beautiful, Tawny. I hate that you won’t look in the mirror and see what I see. What your sister and everyone else sees. Instead, you only see those fuckers’ lies.”
“I can’t look. I saw something and I hated it. I don’t want to remember the way I looked. Ever. I want to forget.”
Judd sighed. “One day, you’ll see what I see.”
Giving him a little smile, I scooted closer. “I really do think you’re beautiful. I’d never wanted anyone to touch me after what happened. I used to like hugs and stuff, but I didn’t want anyone except Farah touching me after that. I never wanted a boyfriend. The very thought grossed me out, but with you, I immediately wanted to be close. With you, it’s different and I really want to be different.”
Judd shared my smile. “We need to get you in warm clothes.”
“Can we take the beers to your room and get warm in there?”
Exhaling softly, Judd looked conflicted. “You should rest.”
Gently, I moved Pearl off of my lap then stood. I undressed and tossed my wet clothes into the sink. Returning, I found Judd with that hungry look in his eyes.
“I need help relaxing. I also want to feel different again,” I said, wiggling my butt at him. “A beer and your naked body might help. Could take awhile though.”
Judd glanced at Pearl who stared at him. “Can’t say no to that, can I?”
Pearl turned away and ignored him. I turned away too and walked into his bedroom. Clean and organized, it almost looked like no one lived in the room.
Walking up behind me, Judd skimmed his fingers down my spine before cupping the ass I had shaken for him.
“You’re tidy,” I said.
“No, my maid is. Kathy comes every other day. You don’t really think I clean up after Pearl, do you?”
“Good thing you’re so damn beautiful or else your laziness would be a turnoff.”
Judd disappeared into the bathroom to strip and I waited on the bed with my beer. When he returned, I nearly dropped my drink. The lighting in his room was so much better than in mine and the view was very impressive.
“Holy hell, Judd,” I whispered, staring straight at the erection waiting for me.
Grinning, he opened up a drawer next to the bed and fished around for a few seconds before finding more condoms.
“Let’s break in this bed, angel.”
Setting down my drink, I opened my arms for him and met his needy kiss with my own. Our chilled bodies soon heated as he sucked and nibbled at my neck and chest. I raked his scalp softly until his erection teased me. Glancing down, I sighed.
“I want to be someone else.”
“I just want you to be you,” he whispered.
“Either way, I need you.”
Wrapping me in his arms, Judd kissed me like he wanted to make me forget about every moment before this one. It worked too and my mind only knew Judd as he filled me. Again, I had no past, instead only the now with him in my arms.
Chapter Fifteen
Waking up next to Judd, I smiled at the sight of him sleeping so soundly. All of the tension hiding behind his walls was gone, leaving behind only serenity. He looked almost
childlike in his relaxed state, yet my thoughts weren’t innocent as I let my gaze roll over his uncovered body.
On his forearm was the new tattoo Aaron mentioned. A stunning dark haired angel with her eyes closed, I wondered if it could really be me that Judd thought of when he designed her. There was something so sad about the angel and I forced myself to look away from her face.
My gaze admired his other tats then moved south to a part of him that brought me such pleasure the night before. Even relaxed, his cock looked thick and intimidating. Admiring it, I had an urge to wake him with a smile on his face. Yet, the clock read only seven and Judd said once he didn’t appreciate waking up before eight unless someone had died.
Slipping out of bed, I cleaned up in the bathroom then found a shirt and panties from my bag. Pearl followed me out onto the balcony overlooking a wooded ravine.
Since that first day when he saved me, I often found myself wondering about Judd’s life. Where he lived and what did with his time? Was he with a woman? I was curious about every little thing, so being in his home was exciting.
His condo wasn’t heavily furnished. Just a few pieces, but they were all high quality. A dark leather chair and couch, a large flat screen, and a black coffee table filled the decent-sized living room. The only other furniture was a cat tree and cubbies. Otherwise, the room was bare.
His bedroom was the same way with an expensive bed and a small dresser with matching nightstands. Judd paid good money for quality furnishings, but the place didn’t feel like a home. It felt comfortable though.
In the kitchen, I fiddled with the coffee maker. Stainless steel, it matched the microwave, stove, and fridge. In a cabinet, I found a can of coffee and filters. Glancing through the rest of the cabinets, I realized Judd must not eat in very often because most of the kitchen was bare.
As the coffee perked, I returned to the balcony and admired the view. I pictured Judd sitting on the black metal furniture, drinking a beer, and watching the sun set. Even afraid he might wake up disinterested, I allowed myself to imagine us sitting together in the evening with Pearl on my lap. We could be happy together. I knew in my heart that if he just gave us a real chance, we could fix the scars holding us both back.
Soon, I poured two cups of coffee. Knowing he took his black, I found a small container of sugar and wondered if Judd kept it around for his mom. Judd was still asleep when I returned to his room with the coffee. He rested on his back with the sheets down around his ankles.
The clock read eight, so I decided to wake him up the best way I knew how. Stripping off the shirt and panties, I crawled onto his bed and kissed his stomach. A light lick along each nipple changed his breathing, but his eyes remained closed. I slowly ran my nails down his chest, through the dark hair and along hard muscles until I reached his waist with the tattoo of the snake wrapped around a cross. Kissing the marked flesh, I let my hair stroke his skin as I settled over his cock.
Grinning, I thought about the commercial about how many licks it took to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop. Now, I wondered how many licks it would take to wake my sleeping knight.
The answer was six. Cupping his balls helped too.
Waking slowly, Judd frowned down at me as I stroked him with my tongue and hands.
“Tawny,” he muttered, seeming surprised.
“Good morning. I made coffee.” I said, licking him again.
Judd sighed then glanced at the coffees. When his gaze returned to me, he sighed again.
“Don’t do that,” he said, gesturing with two fingers for me to come closer.
Frowning, I crawled up to him where he kissed me softly.
“You brushed your teeth.”
“I used your toothpaste, not the toothbrush. I respect boundaries.” When Judd only frowned, I felt awkward. “Do you want me to leave?”
“You know I don’t.”
“I really don’t know that.”
“I’ve just never had a chick around in the morning and I’m not sure how this is supposed to work.”
“I hope you’re not asking me.”
Judd grinned. “Let me clean up.”
“I’ll wait here.”
“Don’t get dressed,” he said, grinning wider now as he disappeared into the bathroom. I heard the water running then he returned as I sipped the coffee.
Staring at his erection, I sighed. “You look really good in the morning.”
Judd leaned down and kissed me softly. After sucking at my bottom lip, he looked at the coffees.
“You made coffee.”
“Yeah. It’s not a big deal. I know how you like it.”
“You do know how I like it,” he said in a naughty tone.
Nodding, I kept my eyes glued to his hard cock. Judd finally lifted my chin, so I would look up.
“I’m up here, angel.”
Laughing, I looked back at the erection and shook my head. “You can’t wave that thing at me and not expect a reaction.”
“Oh, really,” Judd said, teasing my nipples.
“Huh?” I murmured, soaking in the affection.
As soon as Judd settled against the headboard, I straddled him.
“You’re so perfect,” I mumbled, caressing his flawless chest. “Everything on you is perfect.”
My gaze meeting Judd’s, I wondered why he was with me. I’d seen a lot of incredibly beautiful women in Ellsberg. Women that Judd could look at forever and never lose interest.
“You can’t know,” Judd whispered, cupping my breasts, “because you don’t look in the mirror.”
“I know what I look like.”
“You only see the lies from years ago. I see who you really are.”
Judd slid my hard nipples between his fingers and squeezed, causing me to moan loudly. I reached for him, but he stopped me until he’d rolled a condom over his erection. Glancing at the nightstand, I thought we’d need more condoms soon. At least, if I had anything to say about it.
Hands cupping my breasts again and squeezing at my nipples with his rough fingers, Judd sighed when I lowered myself over his cock. I kissed him hard as a dozen thrusts brought me to an orgasm.
“You feel so good,” I moaned.
“You can’t know how great you feel when your pussy tightens around me like that. I’m surprised I last five seconds with you.”
Lifting my hips, I let them fall in a smooth rhythm as I caressed his face. The growth on his cheeks aroused me and I felt another orgasm building.
Judd let go of one breast and licked two of his fingers. Pressing the damp fingers between my legs, he must have known he found my clit by how loudly I cried out.
“Gorgeous,” he sighed, still studying me. “I love the look on your face when you come.”
Remembering that look, I started returning to the ugly time with the bikers until Judd kissed me hard. When he pulled his lips away, he stared into my eyes.
“Stay right here with me,” Judd said. “I’m the one who matters.”
“Yes,” I whispered, smiling as his hands caressed my butt and guided me to the speed he needed to climax. “I’m right here with my knight.”
Judd’s expression softening, he almost looked sad. In that moment, he was recalling all the dirty deeds in his past. So many reasons, he wasn’t good enough for me.
“Stay right here with me,” I said, holding his face gently even as my hips moved faster and harder at his direction. “I never wanted anyone before you, Judd. I know what I need now.”
“Do you, angel?” he asked softly as he gave into all the need.
As the last waves of pleasure still lingered, Judd licked those rough fingers and teased me just right again. It took so little before I was whimpering against him in mind numbing bliss.
“I think my first morning with a chick in my bed went well,” he said with his arms wrapped around me as I caught my breath.
Nuzzling his chest with my lips, I smiled up at him. “Best morning ever, Judd the Stud.”
Chapter Sixteen<
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There were days when I felt like I belonged in Ellsberg and the place was familiar and welcoming. Driving with Judd to breakfast, I imagined Farah and Cooper preparing for school. They’d be damp from their shared shower after a morning of making way too much noise to have people in the house. Breakfast in their pretty kitchen, they would half study, half flirt. Sometimes, they wouldn’t get out of the door without a quickie. There was something happy about them and I never thought I’d find it with anyone. Now, I had Judd.
Yet, he wouldn’t look at me the whole drive. Even when I stared at him or ran my fingers through his damp hair, Judd refused to acknowledge me except for a little smile. I suspected he worried about seeming soft in front of the guys.
Breakfast wasn’t at Denny’s or a place I expected, but Tequila Jodi. Judd swore the bar food was really good especially the biscuits. I was excited to see the way Judd lived. Later, we planned to shop for groceries. After I’d drop mine at my place, we’d head back to Judd’s for the night. The day sounded perfect, so I wasn’t letting breakfast at a biker bar ruined things.
The place was pretty full when we arrived, but Judd had a table reserved. Something about this fact gave me the giggles. Even though Judd frowned at me, he wasn’t selling his irritation well. His blue eyes were too warm and those walls were mostly down. So open to me, Judd was irresistible.
Judd ordered biscuits and gravy, coffee and orange juice, plus a Danish. Ordering the same, I wanted to eat what he ate, drink what he drank, and go wherever he went.
Waiting for our food, Judd gave a head gesture towards someone entering the bar and I turned to find a blond man with a hard handsome face. His angry face eased when he saw me then he gave us a tight smile.
“That’s Outlaw,” Judd said quietly, sipping his coffee. “He’s the one who did your mom.”
Returning my gaze to Outlaw, I imagined his face as the last one my mother saw before her life was snuffed out. She didn’t deserve that face. She deserved something ugly, but this guy was handsome. His shoulder length blond hair was pulled into a ponytail. He looked mean, but like with Judd, some of it was for show. A mask of hostility protected these men from anyone who might be dumb enough to challenge them.