Self-awareness is something very difficult for most people to manage, mainly because you have to be relatively self-aware, to begin with, to develop a sense of self-awareness. Being able to identify the things wrong in your life and find change and meaning in your day to day routines can be the difference between you living a fulfilling life and you simply growing through the motions and forgetting what you ever wanted to accomplish in your life in the first place. It’s very difficult to muster the courage to begin the change completely alone, but I can personally promise to you that any chance you take will be one that will grow to not only be supported by you but by the people around you who care for you and want good things for you. Those supporters, whether they be your friends, your family, and your spouse, or simply a group of people online who you feel you connect with, will likely grow to be one of, if not the, main driving force behind the motivation to be better and to improve your way of life, and your way of thinking.
So yes, it is difficult to implement better thinking into your life on a daily basis. Not only is it hard to start, but it’s also very hard to keep going. The motivation and the spirit you have to keep up, to keep pushing forward to improve the way you think and the way you live, can get to be exhausting. It’s hard to just keep pushing while enduring the pressure to succeed, as it is with all things. But—not as exhausting as a life where you only live in the extremes, where you’re always either hopeful and in denial, or so negative that all aspects of your life are affected by your outlook. Yes, it’s insanely tough to learn how to keep that motivation up for long periods of time, but remember that you’ll have help in all corners of your ring, so to speak. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss the concept of “thinking traps” --how they play into your life every day, how you can fix them, and what they may mean for you as a person on your way to improving your life and being happier and healthier.
Chapter 3
Thinking Traps, or Thinking “Sandpits”, if that’s More Your Style (Part 1)
There are many ways that all different kinds of people can fall into mental loopholes, many of which are incredibly difficult to navigate our way out of - difficult, but most certainly not impossible. Nevertheless, there are a certain set of common loopholes that most people who experience chronic negativity often find themselves deeply entrenched in. This list is in no way one that applies to all different kinds of people, but it is a general list of common “thinking traps”, with corresponding common ways to get yourself out of them.
Over generalizing a bad time—this kind of person is often someone very fatalistic, someone who assumed the worst possible outcome will always come to pass. When that outcome doesn’t come, they ignore it entirely, but when it does come - this kind of person often uses phrases like “always” and “never” to express their delusion that they’re experiencing a never-ending constant cycle of terrible karma or something of that variety. This kind of person is prone to be swayed by others’ opinions of them but is also someone who is usually very forthright with their own opinions, sometimes convinced that opinions molded from the thoughts and feelings of others are actually their entirely original paradigm. Someone who is a chronic over generalizer also sometimes generalizes things so negatively because they want attention or, more accurately put, they want help. Often the dramatic flair is something like a call for help, an expression or urgency of a feeling of helplessness that they feel powerless to stop. They don’t want to feel as powerless as they often do, but they feel as though they’re always at the whim of the universe, never in control of their “fate”. As I mentioned, they’re prone to being fairly fatalistic and therefore are rarely exceptionally motivated when it comes to shaping their destiny or taking action to better themselves—they usually feel like nothing they do will matter in the long run, so there’s no real point in trying to better anything when everything will just eventually revert back to its original state. Someone who experiences this kind of thinking trap may feel compelled to simply lazily let themselves move through life without a care or attachment in the world, but they have to wake up and realize that living that way will lead them to the path of unfulfillment and empty existence. If they want to change their “luck”, their “destiny”, their “fate”, they have to be the ones to get up and actually do something about it. People who over generalize chronically also find themselves to be the constant recipient of terrible luck. They say things like “this always happens to me!” Deep down, some of these people know that isn’t logically true, but they say it anyway because it brings them some kind of cathartic comfort to act as though they are in no way able to change their situation. People who fall into this kind of negative thinking are usually united by their sense of being a victim. They were likely not given the praise and attention they desired so deeply as children, so their need for attention manifests in this form. Of course, this isn’t always the way this need for attention manifests in adults. Unfortunately, a lot of children who were neglected in their past, either by their guardian or by someone else in their life earlier on, manifest their desperation for attention and security by believing themselves to be the victim in almost every situation they find themselves in. People who over generalize this way sometimes bare a similarity to pathological liars, believing themselves to be the victim, where they may actually be the perpetrator of an offense. They need to understand and register the fact that the universe doesn’t in any way, shape, or form, care about them more or less than any other human on Earth. No matter how it might seem to them, the observation or theory that they actually receive bad luck more often than others are little more than delusion. The only thing that affects how many good or bad things happen to them is the things that they do or don’t do for themselves. There is no karmic force that is going to someday turn your life around. You have to be the person who stands up and forces themselves to face the reality of a situation. Whether that reality is leaning on the positive or the negative side, there’s scarcely any better medicine for those who feel as though they have any specialty in the eyes of the universe than a healthy dose of humility. That humility will at least do something to assure them of the fact that, not only do they have no actual karmic force of the universe that’s punishing them for some random deed, but they are the only thing in the universe who can lead the active role in making their lives more fulfilling.
People who think of the world as wrong and right, black and white, yes or no—these kinds of people are the kinds of personalities who are often much too hard on themselves, and sometimes too hard on others as well. They’re people who want to do well but are for whatever reason opposed to the idea that there exists some kind of grey area between two extremes of a situation. They want there to be an answer to any and all questions, a simple and firm answer that is clear and lined out in front of them in dark red ink. They want to be answered to, not just as an authority figure or someone with power, but simply as someone who is on a nearly constant quest for understanding and comprehension of anything and everything. They want to understand everything they can in the simplest and clearest terms possible. It’s usually very difficult for them to take “I don’t know” for an answer, much harder than taking “no”. It’s the uncertainty of a situation that bothers them to no end and drives them crazy. They can’t stand the thought of not knowing and not being able to understand the way the cogs crank in everything. They also are the kinds of people who so scarcely allow themselves leeway. This kind of thinking often comes from pressure in their childhood, wherein they were likely a child who excelled, or was pressures to excel, in academics or in some other field. The pressure to succeed, pressure which so often came in very unhealthy doses, became so very normal to them, so in their adulthood, they simply adopted that coping mechanism for themselves. Now, in their adulthood, the black and white thinker doesn’t let themselves relax, doesn’t let themselves have a break from their likely busy—and no doubt overloaded with different tasks and responsibilities—life, and almost certainly doesn�
�t let themselves unwind and have a weekend off. They always have to be working, always have to be productive, of they become worthless in their own eyes. This is likely how their parents or guardians raised them—so that when they do succeed, and when they do become the best, they become useful. But, when they are no longer the best, or when they unwind or relax, they become worthless. The kind of extreme thinking of this kind comes from a lack of understanding that relaxation is a very important part of productivity. They don’t know how to relax, because they grew up with the idea that being productive was infinitely more important than being independent, being relaxed, or being happy. When initiating a plan, they only take “A+” as a grade. If they aren’t up to their own standards immediately, then the entire plan is a total disaster, they are a failure, and the thought is worth nothing to them now. This is a very harmful way of thinking, as it often leads them to abandon plans, no matter how long or how intricate, as soon as they hit the smallest snag. As soon as there is any sign of potential danger or the smallest hint of what may grow to be that they consider a flaw, they’re much more likely than others who don’t share their mindset to abandon their plan entirely. As you can tell, this is an extreme, often unstable, habit for many people, and it often makes people also seem less desirable as friends and as partners. Someone who exclusively views the world through a tightly black and white lens is going to be exhausting for most anyone to the stomach and is, therefore, going to less desirable than others to be around. Treating the world like a science project not only stresses out and dehumanizes the people around the person, but it also stresses them out and can in many cases lead to the loss of their sense of identity. This weakened identity may seem like the last expected result from viewing the world so harshly, but it may be more eloquent, more clearly, to put it this way—we, as humans, have an identity that is more or less defined by our emotions and by our experiences. If you do everything in your power to eliminate the “gray area” that emotions create in situations, and therefore limit the learning power of your experiences to only the literal, the practical, the surface-level observation, you will henceforth lose that identity that was once cultivated so carefully over time by your emotions. These kinds of people are best suited to situations where they are forced to relax, as far as improvement is concerned. Someone who is habitually too harsh on themselves and others needs to learn how to find a balance and understand that they don’t have to give into their extreme compulsions. Once they understand the dangers and long-term deficits that living life this way can have, people who look at things like this are more likely to ease up and take in advice from others, as well as to be able to accept a little gray for every black and white.
The pessimistic fortuneteller—this is someone who is renowned for someone always having a prediction of the future, and penchant for that prediction to always blow up in their face. The fortune teller can make as many positive steps toward their goal as they like, but they still find themselves falling victim to the voice in their head who tells them that no matter what, they are destined to suffer a loss of a failure in all of their endeavors. These kinds of predictions often have an incredible lack of evidence, and yet they somehow find a way to twist almost every story against them, even when they don’t necessarily want to. This kind of person falls more or less under the umbrella that the over generalizer is also often found under, as the two are very similar in their defeatist attitude. The main difference between the two types lies in the fact that while most people who over generalize were once children deprived of attention so that they now seek out that gratification by victimizing themselves, the fortuneteller doesn’t actually seek out that validation from others as much. Instead, fortunetellers react to a lack of attention and affection as a child by internalizing that lack of attention. The over generalizer feels they have been wronged by not being given the attention they feel they deserve, while the fortuneteller feels that it’s a lot more plausible that the lack of praise is deserved. They don’t necessarily feel wronged by not being given attention, because they feel that neglect was deserved more so than not. While the over generalizer assumes that bad things will happen to them because they feel like the universe is out to get them, the never upbeat fortuneteller has a bad habit of always telling themselves that they are constantly being set up for failure. The difference lies in where those two types believe the antagonizing is coming from. While the former type believes firmly that there is some supernatural force which is endlessly sabotaging them and their plans, the latter kind of person is much more prone to believe that they are the ones ruining themselves. This fortuneteller thinks to themselves that they are someone who deserves their own misfortune, so they expect it to continue into the future forever. Anything bad that happens to them now simply adds to their firm belief that they are the perpetual victim of their own negative qualities. Not only that, but the pessimistic fortuneteller believes themselves to be overwhelmingly inferior to those around them, often assuring themselves and sometimes even others that they simply don’t have what it takes to succeed in anything they try. They believe firmly that they are destined for failure not because of the faults in the universe or some cosmic karma, but because of their own shortcomings. Instead of generalizing the way that things just “seem” to happen for them, they generalize the way they act and behave as to paint themselves as worthless. Like most of the types on these lists, the fortuneteller almost always have damagingly low self-esteem, and so finds it incredibly difficult to find the mental relief they are looking for. Sometimes, the best relief for these people is to simply go to therapy and work out their issues with the help of a professional who knows how to help them. Of course, if professional help is out of the question—whether that be because the situation isn’t severe enough, or the person in question simply refuses to see a therapist or some other kind of licensed help—some things that often help people with a similar chronic habit include replacing that negative habit with another one. Sometimes, those who want to get rid of mental tics or habitual thoughts that are unwanted or unpleasant, they snap themselves with a rubber band or have some other kind of mind but not torturous physical punishment inflicted on them, either by themselves or by another person, every time they slip up and fall back into the habit. To many, this is an unorthodox method, but it is undoubtedly one that works well for most people. For those who have the willpower, they may instead consider positive affirmations which take the place of time that would otherwise be spent putting themselves down. For example, every time you say something like “I know I did this, but I’ll probably still mess up or fail anyway”, correct yourself—either out loud or to yourself—and tell yourself something positive to counteract the negative sentiment. Even if it seems small or overly foolish, and positive sentiment expressed to yourself regularly over a period of time will show results in your life and in your state of mind. Doing things like this over and over again will increase your confidence and self-esteem over time. Of course, it’s a slow process, like all healing, but when you begin to experience life outside your thinking trap, any work you have to do to stay in that place becomes more than worth the trouble.
Chapter 4
Thinking Traps, or Thinking “Sandpits”, if that’s more Your Style (Part Two)
Emotional reasoning—an entirely different kind of mental sandpit, and one that’s just as unhealthy and dangerous, but for a very different set of reasons. Put simply, emotional reasoners find a way to let their emotions—namely, their fears—take over their logic, keeping them from what could be a calm and safe environment. For example, many people have a fear of heights, airplanes, or the ocean. People that have this fear and have a habit for emotional reasoning might suggest that, because they feel anxious when they are out at the beach, in an airplane, or at a high place, that those places are objectively unsafe. This kind of thinking can really limit what a person can do, whether it means that their travel plans can be made unnecessarily long and tedious, or that they never get a proper o
pportunity to enjoy the beach. People who think like this might also have a tendency to victimize themselves, therefore often ruining the fun of things for other people. It doesn’t come from a very malevolent place, like all of the other types on these lists, but it does come from a place of buried desire. That desire is, of course, for attention and care. People who victimize themselves like this were often once children living in a household that had a kind of unspoken rule against emotions. They often have no way to vent their emotions and fear properly because they were never allowed to vent them at all before. Therefore, now that they are allowed to show their emotions in adulthood, they have no idea how to balance their logic and their emotions. Because they have such a negative connotation with using their logic and reasoning, however, finding this balance is often hard because people like this sometimes have adversity to using their normal reasoning. This can lead them to feel as though they have to use their emotions at almost all times now to make up for “lost time”. This habit can be unconscious or not, but it is a habit that affects many people in different kinds of ways. For the sake of simplicity, I’m describing all the different types of thinking traps and people who suffer from them in fairly extreme terms. Most people do not truly feel this way about their emotions or about their fears, but it is something that lingers inside them for a fairly long time. The way to get rid of this habitual emotional-logical paradox? Exposure therapy. Like many of the people who suffer from these thinking traps, emotional reasoners think that there’s some kind of bad loop that’s either caused by or connected with those experiences that give them anxiety. They need to, ideally, be shown that those things are not at all dangerous, and are actually very enjoyable when you’re able to calm down and let yourself reason your way out of the anxious spiral. If they can finally let themselves feel safe in a situation where they would normally feel loads of stress and anxiety, emotional reasoners will be more open to the idea of continuing to experience those things. This also encourages them to use their logic and reasoning instead of only using their emotional response—their knee-jerk response—to everything that gives them anxiety or makes them uncomfortable. It will, of course, help an emotional reasoner to have a friend with them when they are going through one of those anxious experiences. Having a “voice of reason” nearby will help them feel at home and be able to exercise their reasoning skills to get them out of their own head.
Master Your Thinking Page 2