by Amy DuBoff
“That’s true,” Taelis conceded, “but this isn’t the first time he’s shown such disregard for casualties. In his CR exam—”
Banks scoffed. “Do you really want to question Wil’s judgement now? We gave him a job to do, and he’s doing it. I never expected everything to be all clean and pretty. The fact is, we molded someone to commit genocide. We can’t expect there won’t be any other casualties along the way.”
“But a whole planet!”
“We’re in no position to question him. We lost that right when we made him the center of all our plans.”
Taelis paused. “I never thought we’d have to worry about him coming through for us.”
“I have no concerns about that,” Banks countered. “He’ll find a way—but, I have no illusions about it being a way we like. We’ve forced one person to make all of those tough decisions on our behalf, so we have to live with the consequences. I have no doubt that he will always do what is best in the moment and will drive us toward victory in the war. We’ll pick up the shattered pieces once the fighting is over.”
After a moment of reflection, Taelis nodded. “You’re right. All we can do for now is stand back and let Wil do what we’ve asked.”
“I didn’t anticipate how much this war would change me,” Banks murmured. “Weighing the worth of lives, treating people like resources—it’s the very way of thinking I always tried to avoid.”
“We change so that others can maintain their innocence. It’s the burden of our station.”
The sacrifices hidden in shadow… Banks bobbed his head with grim determination. “At least it will be over soon.”
“I used to think that would be a day of cheers and fanfare. Now I’m not so sure.”
“Either way, we’ll finally be able to rest easy,” Banks said.
“That will be a good day.”
* * *
Tom wiped his eyes only to find that the tears had already dried. I can’t believe they’re gone…
The news about Cambion’s capture seemed too surreal to be true. Such a large world with so many defenses—it was too much to have been wiped out in a matter of minutes. Though ten percent of the population had managed to flee after the initial assault, Tom’s uncle was the only surviving member of his family. The rest had died in the initial firebombing, or—he couldn’t bring himself to think about the alternatives.
It had been years since he’d seen his family in person. Occasional video chats had done little to make up for the years apart. There were so many things he wished he’d been able to tell his parents, jokes he’d wanted to tell in good-natured teasing with his little sister, all the adventures he’d never get to have with his childhood friends. While the Primus Elites had become his family away from home, Tom had always taken comfort in knowing that there were others loving him from afar. Now, those around him were all he had left.
After a night to let the reality of his loss sink in, Tom found that his initial grief had transformed into an inner fury. The Bakzen had taken those that held a special place in his heart. His hands clenched into fists, his cheeks flushed and eyes narrow. Justice would be served.
The door to his cabin on the Conquest hissed open. Sander popped his head in. “How are you holding up?”
Tom shrugged, releasing his fists.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” his friend murmured for the dozenth time.
“There’s nothing we can do now but beat the Bakzen to a pulp. They’ll foking pay for this.”
Sander nodded, grim. “Are you sure you’re up for flying today?”
“There’s nothing you could do to keep me out of battle now.”
“All right.” Sander headed for the door. “Let’s go get some revenge.”
* * *
A simulated sunrise woke Wil in his quarters on the Conquest. Next to him, Saera stirred.
He inched away. I can’t be near her. She’ll know what I did… Know how truly terrible I am.
His actions may have been to save her, but that didn’t change the fact that he’d allowed billions of people to die due to his decision. That wasn’t forgivable, and it certainly didn’t make him worthy of her love.
Besides, she couldn’t be an anchor and confidant anymore. He wouldn’t be able to open himself to her like he always did before—like he needed to be able to do with anyone in that role. There had never been any secrets or barriers between them, but now he’d have to remain guarded at all times. The longer she stayed with him, the more suspicious she would become of what secret he was keeping.
Tek was right—this was how to destroy me. His heart raced with panic. The guilt will eat away… No, he couldn’t let the Bakzen get into his head. There had to be a way to block it out, to maintain focus. Maybe, with some time, he could wall off all the memories that implicated him in Cambion’s destruction. Except, he needed an immediate solution.
He watched Saera’s chest rise and fall in her peaceful sleep. I can’t possibly explain any of this. They were too close for him to only partially pull away—to gain the distance he’d need to erect a fortress around his secret. He could hide it from the others for the interim, perhaps, but not from her. He’d never be able to make the mental barrier secure if she was around to serve as a constant reminder of what he’d done, creating cracks in the walls that would already be so difficult to construct. Moreover, if she stayed with him, she’d eventually find out how he traded her life for so many others and would never forgive him for making her guilty by extension.
Just a little time apart—until I can come to terms. Sending her away was a risk, but he saw no other choice. Wil expected more heartache with the decision, but the numbness that had been spreading through him since the previous night had dulled his senses.
Wil watched her sleep for just a moment more, memorizing the peacefulness of her sleeping face. He knew he was about to unintentionally hurt her, and she wouldn’t understand. Maybe, one day, he could make things right again, but only cold realities were in his near future.
Saera blinked and stretched her arms above her head. “Hey, you’re awake.”
“Hi.” He couldn’t bring himself to wish her good morning, not with what was coming next.
She sat up in bed. “How’d you sleep?”
“Well enough,” he lied. There was no sense prolonging the inevitable. “Saera, you should go back to Headquarters.”
Saera laughed off the statement, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s too early to mess with me.”
“I’m serious.”
Her face dropped. “Wil, that’s crazy. In all the training, I’ve always been here with you.”
I can’t let her into my mind again. Not until the walls are secure. “We’ll find a way to adjust without you.”
She shook her head. “Right before an attack? No way.”
“I can’t have you here right now,” Wil pleaded.
Saera pulled the sheet up to her chin, brow knit. “Why? Did I do something…?”
“No.” Wil shook his head. “Stars, Saera… Please, just wait at home where it’s safe.”
“Are you afraid I’ll get hurt? Is that it?”
“No. Yes…” Wil clutched his head. The final dying moments of Cambion replayed within Saera’s pupils. “You can’t be here.”
“Wil—” she tried to reach out to him.
He clamored out of the bed, unable to face her. “Wait here. You’ll transport back to Headquarters after the skirmish.” Blocking out her continued protests, Wil finished dressing and then quickly slipped out the door. A day before, he would have shared her heartbreak over the thought of being separated. Now, there was nothing left of himself to lose.
* * *
Saera sat in stunned silence until well after Wil had gone. Sending me back to Headquarters? He hadn’t even looked her in the eyes as he said it.
Based on their reunion the previous night, it seemed impossible for him to have changed his attitude so suddenly. There w
as never any lack of passion in their relationship, but she had somehow felt even closer to him over that night together. At the time, she’d thought it was making up for their separation while she tended to the navigation coding. In retrospect, maybe it was something far darker.
Was he saying goodbye?
That didn’t make any sense. They were partners. Through all the challenges over the years, their bond had never wavered. She was mystified about what could have possibly happened within the span of three days to alter their relationship.
There was no way she’d go that easily. If he was that distressed, it was all the more reason for her to be around. She had pledged to be a supportive partner, and whatever was wrong, it was her duty to help him.
* * *
Michael braced against the chair across from his podium in the Command Center to stretch, trying to loosen up in advance of the hours he was about to spend in telekinetic communication. As he finished up his final series of stretches, Wil walked in—strangely, alone.
“Did Saera decide to take an extra-long shower this morning?” Michael joked.
“She won’t be stationed on the Conquest anymore,” Wil replied, his voice flat.
“Wh—”
“It’s not up for discussion,” Wil cut him off.
Even as others entered the Command Center, Wil remained equally reticent about Saera’s sudden absence. Michael suppressed his concern for the sake of their battle coordination, but deep down he knew something was seriously wrong.
“Get ready,” Wil instructed.
Michael sensed the beginning of simultaneous observation. “Without Saera, how will you remain anchored?” he asked.
“The ship is enough,” Wil shot back, bite in the words.
“What’s wrong?” Michael asked him privately.
Without responding, Wil closed his mind to future questions.
Something was definitely wrong—and their operations were far too delicate for anyone to be off their game, especially their leader. “We should postpone the fight,” Michael said to Ian, Ethan, and Curtis.
“Did something happen with Wil and Saera?” Ethan asked.
“He won’t tell me, but clearly there’s an issue.” Michael ended the private conversation. “Wil, maybe we should rethink the attack this morning.”
“We proceed as planned,” Wil replied.
“But—”
“But nothing,” Wil cut him off. “That’s an order.” He grabbed his handholds and began slipping into a state of simultaneous observation.
I guess I’ll have to be his backup, then. Michael hurriedly followed Wil, reaching out for him.
Rather than the normal openness, Michael met only a wall around Wil’s consciousness. He tried to grasp on, but there was no way to maintain his hold. “Wil, wait!” he begged. Without a telepathic tether other than the ship, there was no telling if Wil would be able to find his way back to his physical self.
Wil didn’t listen, drifting further and further until Michael barely had him in sight.
“He’s going too far,” Michael alerted the other officers.
Immediately, he sensed Ian, Ethan, and Curtis coming to his aid. The four of them linked and set out after Wil. With their chain, the four of them were able to catch up to where Wil had ventured—as far as they dared go without potentially losing themselves.
“Come back!” Michael urged.
“I know what I’m doing,” Wil replied, drifting even further away.
“It’s too risky,” Michael countered.
He held firm as an anchor while the other Captains lassoed Wil within a telepathic net. Wil resisted, trying to break free.
“You aren’t allowed to leave us like this.” Michael strained to pull his four friends back in, stretching himself to his limits. So much power, such strength—it was more than he could contain.
The other Captains extended tendrils back to hold onto Michael while doing everything they could to contain Wil.
Why is he resisting us? Michael gave everything he could. They had to bring him back.
At last, Wil gave in.
Michael reeled him back, releasing the anchor when everyone was connected with their physical selves again. He let go of the handholds and leaned back in his chair. “What were you doing?” he demanded, glaring at Wil.
“My job. Why did you stop me?” Wil shot back.
“You can’t go that far without a tether.”
Wil’s eyes narrowed. “You’re in no position to tell me my limits.”
Michael glanced over at a very confused-looking Rianne, but it was already too late to care about what she may think. “What’s going on with you? First you tell me Saera’s heading back to Headquarters, and now you’re trying to run off to lose yourself in subspace?”
“I always go out that far,” Wil insisted.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Hey, gentleman,” Ethan cut in. “Why don’t we calm down for a minute.”
Wil groaned. “We’re late for our meeting with the fleet. We have an attack to command.”
Shit. It’s not fair of him to put me in this position. “I don’t think you’re in the best mental state to lead that attack right now.”
“You don’t have the authority to make that call,” Wil retorted.
“Actually, with Saera gone, that makes me your second-in-command. So, I do.”
Wil took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry.” He paused. “You’re right, I’m not in top form this morning. It was a tough decision to send Saera back home, but after Cambion, I just can’t have her on the frontlines anymore.”
Michael took a calming breath. “Maybe it’s not the right decision if it has you this upset.”
“No, this is the only way,” Wil insisted. “You’re right, though. It’s interfering.”
Ian glanced around the circle. “We can handle the coordination on this one, if you want to take some time.”
Wil shook his head. “No, it’s a complicated plan and we’ll need the insights from my observation. I’ll hold it together—no more risky moves, I promise.”
Michael reached out to Wil’s mind and found it guarded, but on the surface the words were sincere. And Wil was right: they did need simultaneous observation. He wasn’t completely comfortable having Wil in the battle in his current state, but the fleet would be too badly off if they backed out now. “Okay, let’s proceed.”
True to his word, Wil did what he needed to do in the battle. If anything, Michael found that he actually played it safe compared to normal. Despite making it through the battle without incident, there was still an underlying issue that needed to be addressed.
As soon as the post-battle fleet reports were in, Michael excused himself on the pretense of taking a nap before the next assault. Really, he needed to talk to Saera and get her side of it.
He jogged through the empty halls to the captain’s quarters and pressed the buzzer. After a moment, the door slid open. Saera’s face was tense and her exposed eyes were reddened.
“What’s going on?” Michael asked through the open doorway. “I heard you’re heading back to Headquarters.”
“That’s what Wil thinks.”
Michael frowned, sensing a mixture of hurt and confusion emanating from his friend. “Why is he trying to send you away?”
Saera shook her head, causing a segment of hair to slip from behind her ear. “He won’t talk to me—he’s completely shut me out.” She crossed her arms. “I’m frustrated and annoyed, but more than that, it terrifies me what could have happened to make him withdraw like that.”
“I know he’s upset about Cambion last night, but we all are.”
“I think it’s about me.” Saera set her jaw and re-tucked her hair behind her ear.
“He’s under a lot of stress,” Michael replied. “I’m sure it’s just an overreaction driven by worry about your safety out here.”
“I know him too well. That’s not all of it
.”
Michael tilted his head. “If he’s already made up his mind, arguing won’t get you anywhere.”
Saera swallowed, her expression grim. “I have to try. He’ll let this war consume him if there isn’t someone to hold him back from that dark path. I can’t leave him now.”
“What will—”
“Why are you still here, Saera?” Wil barked from down the hall, interrupting Michael. He stormed toward them.
Michael placed himself between his two friends. “I think we should talk this through.”
“Don’t get involved,” Wil shot back.
“Too late for that,” Michael replied. “You’ve been acting erratically all day. Take some time to cool off, or whatever you need.”
“What I need is for Saera to go back to Headquarters like I ordered.”
“Don’t treat me like a first-year Trainee!” Saera retorted. “I’m your First Officer and your wife. You can’t order me around.”
“I tried asking you earlier as your husband, and you refused. What other option do I have than to pull rank?” Wil spat back.
Saera crossed her arms. “Maybe try discussing it like civilized adults?”
Michael took a step back from Wil toward Saera. This is escalating way too quickly. “I don’t want to pick sides here, but as a senior officer, I have to express my concern. I don’t think sending Saera away—”
“Your concern is noted,” Wil interrupted. “Saera, I need you to go back to Headquarters now. Don’t make me call a security detail.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but Michael cut in, “I’ll escort her out.”
Saera gaped at him, lip quivering. “How can you go along with this?” Tears welled in her eyes. “I thought you were on my side.”
“Do you really want to be dragged off by armed Militia guards?” Michael asked her. “What would that do for crew morale? Let’s just do what he’s asked and give it a of couple days to settle. I’m sure you’ll be back here in no time.”
After a moment, she nodded. “I still don’t like this, but fine. I’ll go.” She headed for the bedroom. “Let me grab my things.”
Wil stood in stoic silence for a few moments. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I can feel you silently judging me,” he murmured to Michael.