by Amy DuBoff
All the bitterness within Saera rose to the surface in one unstoppable wave. “Then maybe you should start thinking about my feelings rather than wallowing in whatever misery you’ve brought down on yourself. You promised to be there for me, so get over whatever issues you’re having and start being my partner again!”
Wil sat in stunned silence.
“I’m sorry,” Saera hastily added. “I didn’t mean—”
“No, you did,” Wil cut in. “And you’re right.”
“I—”
Wil retracted his hands. “Let me finish this up.” He went back to work on his tablet.
I’m not sure if I got through to him or just pissed him off. Saera rose from the bed and headed toward the door. “Are you going to Banks’ service tonight?”
Her husband took a slow breath. “Yes, I’ll be there.”
“I’ll see you then.” She left him to his writing.
* * *
Dressed in his TSS formal uniform, Wil made his way up to the TSS spaceport for Banks’ memorial service. There were few events that could have pulled him from his quarters, but honoring his lifelong friend topped the list. With any luck, I can sneak in unnoticed.
His plan for a stealthy entry was dashed the moment he stepped out of the elevator to the surface port, where he found Saera waiting for him.
“Good, you are here,” she said. “Your father decided to have the service on one of the transport ships, so we could be near his resting place. There’ll just be twenty or so of us, and we’ll broadcast to the rest of the TSS.”
“I wasn’t expecting something so intimate.”
Saera gave him a faint smile. “Do you really think he’d want us to make a big fuss over him?”
Wil shook his head. “No. This is more fitting, you’re right.”
They took a shuttle up to the main spaceport and then walked in silence to the transport vessel.
Cris, also dressed in his formal uniform, greeted them at the top of the gangway. “Hi, Wil. I’m glad you came.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.” At least, for once, loss will be on everyone else’s minds, too.
Twenty other Agents were already gathered in the main cabin of the small ship, seated with two on either side of the center aisle.
Kate, seated next to Scott Wincowski, beckoned Wil and Saera to two empty seats on the other side of the aisle from her in the front row. She gave Wil’s hand a light squeeze as he passed by, concern evident on her face as she looked him over.
“I’m okay,” he murmured to dismiss her silent inquiry, and then quickly slipped into the window seat.
Saera sat down next to him and took in the crowd behind them, exchanging a respectful nod with the Agents who were old friends or past mentors. “Looks like many of the senior Agents are taking a break from the field to be here.”
Wil stared out the window at the nearly empty spaceport. “Banks touched a lot of people’s lives. Repairing the rift can wait.”
Two minutes later, a low rumble resonated through the floor as the transport ship headed to the place where Banks had sacrificed himself to save Headquarters and Earth. Wil’s chest constricted as they approached the location, sensing a faint trace of energy still lingering from the rift corridor. Banks gave his life to the war, yet here I am alive and doing nothing. It should have been the other way around.
Thrusters maneuvered the ship into position, and the rumble ceased when the engine cut out. Earth was visible out Wil’s window, and the moon dominated the view out the opposite side of the craft. It all seemed so peaceful now that the threat had passed.
Cris walked to the front of the ship along the center aisle and turned to face the group, fixing his gaze on a camera at back center of the cabin. “Thank you all for joining us as we pay our respects to Jason Banks, our longtime High Commander and friend. I’ll keep this brief, but I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on not only this one death, but the many losses we have suffered in the war. Banks was more than just a friend to me—he was truly family. More than anything, when I hear people discuss the TSS, they reflect on the fact that the TSS community is one big family of individuals working toward a common goal. When we lose one of our own, we have lost a part of ourselves. But, we are still united, and together we have shown that we can make it through anything.
“While engaged together in the fight against the Bakzen, we each needed to do things that pushed us to our physical and emotional limits, but we can be thankful that we made it through alive. I think it’s important to recognize that those actions we took during the war do not reflect on who we are as individuals—or as a community—but rather were the result of necessity.
“Now, with our shared goal of defeating the Bakzen completed, we have the opportunity to reimagine the TSS as an organization where Agents’ abilities aren’t used for combat, but rather for peace. That is the future we have all envisioned at one point or another, whether it was ever verbalized or not. We were fighting with the hope that an era would arrive when we could live without fear of attack or persecution. We’re halfway there, but even with the Bakzen threat eliminated, we still have a long way to go before we can consider ourselves to be on equal footing with the rest of Tarans. There has long been a divide between those with abilities and those without, but my hope is that in the peacetime to come, we can begin a reintegration.
“So, let us not dwell on what we have lost in the war, but rather what those sacrifices will enable us to achieve in the future. We have been given a great gift: the chance to start over and shape our own destinies. To honor all of those who have fallen, we must make the most of that opportunity. It is our duty to make sure that those lives weren’t given in vain.
“As I address you now as a new High Commander of the TSS, I give you my word that I will work toward that new goal of peace across the Taran worlds, where those with abilities no longer need to hide.” Cris paused and swept his gaze across all of those in the room, lingering on Kate. She nodded. “To begin that process,” Cris continued, “I will state for the record a fact that has been danced around since I first joined the TSS three decades ago. If you were watching the advancement ceremony for my son, Wil, to Supreme Commander, you heard him introduced as Williame Sietinen. So let there be no mistake: I am Cristoph Sietinen, heir to the Sietinen Dynasty. My wife, Katrine Vaenetri, and I have committed our lives to serving Tararia. For now, that is through our roles in the TSS. I hope to lead by example and show that those from all walks of life can be united and walk together as equals. That is the future we were fighting for in the war, and by achieving that goal, Banks and all of our fallen comrades will live on through that enduring peace.”
Applause filled the small craft, but Wil was too absorbed in his own thoughts to hear the follow-on comments. He doubted anyone in the shuttle would be surprised by the formal announcement of his family’s lineage, but it would certainly be a popular topic of conversation within the TSS in the coming weeks.
As soon as the shuttle docked with the port, Wil returned to his quarters while the others stayed behind to swap memories over drinks. He sat in quiet contemplation, reflecting on his father’s words and the future at hand. Eventually, Saera returned and went to bed for the night. Though Wil joined her in bed, sleep was elusive.
He stared up at the ceiling in the dark, listening to the sounds of Saera’s soft breathing next to him as she slept.
Words from Banks’ funeral replayed in his mind. Duty and honor… I can’t be a leader and just allow myself to waste away. I owe it to Saera—to all of them—to get through this.
Yet, guilt was consuming him from within. It gnawed at him during every waking moment and brought nightmares when he did manage to sleep. TSS soldiers, Cambion, the Bakzen, the hybrid clones—there was too much loss to process, and he had a hand in it all. Moving past it seemed like an impossible task from his current vantage. Except somehow, he had to. He needed to try to be the leader everyone saw him to be. His father was right: the fight was
n’t over yet.
The war didn’t kill me—not all the way. I need to reconnect with what’s left of myself. He took a deep breath. The problem was, there was no way he could possibly come to terms in his present surroundings.
So many memories filled TSS Headquarters. Even the bedroom that had once been a sanctuary for Wil was now a prison. Everywhere were the smiling faces of those who thought him an infallible champion. Every time he had to put on the mask hiding the dark truth of what he’d sacrificed, a little more of him died inside. No one can know what I did at Cambion. Especially not Saera.
To permanently suppress his hurt and guilt, he would need to make a new reality for himself—one where he truly believed himself to be the good person everyone else saw him to be. Somewhere deep within, perhaps there was the strength to start again, where he could be a husband and partner and leader in all the ways he needed to be in order to see his loved ones through the coming trials.
I need to get out of here. The compulsion was overwhelming. It was his only chance to recover. A fleeting hope, but maybe—just maybe—he could recapture enough of himself to pull through.
He slipped from the bed and began to pack. He wouldn’t need much, just a few changes of clothes and some rations; he could get those on the way, perhaps from a supply station. A faint smile touched his lips—it wasn’t unlike when his father had left Tararia so many years before.
When his travel bag was ready, Wil crouched down next to Saera’s side of the bed and brushed her temple with his fingertips.
She awoke with a start, her glowing jade eyes blinking with surprise. “Wil…? Wait, why are you dressed?”
“I need to leave.”
His wife bolted upright. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he replied truthfully.
She frowned.
Wil grasped her hands. “I can never recover in a place with so many memories, and with everyone watching. I need to be alone so I can find myself—really find myself. I’ve never had the chance to do that before. I’ve always been told who to be, what to do. Not once did I have any say over my own pursuits.”
Saera took a shaky breath. “Let me go with you.”
“Not this time. If I’m to have any chance of being a worthy partner to you, then I need to do this on my own.”
After a moment, she nodded. “Come back soon.”
“I’ll try.” Wil swallowed. “If you haven’t heard from me within four months, then you should assume I’m never coming back.”
“No…” Tears glistened in the subtle light cast from her eyes.
“It won’t come to that, if I can help it.”
Wil sensed her reach out to him through their bond, feeling his pain and confusion and experiencing it as her own. She withdrew. “I understand.”
He brushed away a tear on her cheek. “I could have never made it this far without you.”
She placed her hand over his against her face. “I can’t imagine a future without you. But I’ll fulfill my duty even if you aren’t here, if it’s necessary.”
Wil leaned in and brushed his lips against hers before pulling away. “You always were the strongest one.”
* * *
Saera reached over and felt the cool space on the bed where Wil should be. Even when he was withdrawn, his presence was a reminder of their partnership. With him gone, she just felt empty.
She got dressed for the day slowly, trying to delay the conversations that were to come. Once dressed, she took some time to gather herself, but eventually knew she could delay no longer. She crossed the hall to Cris and Kate’s quarters.
Steeling herself, Saera pressed the buzzer at the door.
Cris answered. “Hi, Saera. How are you?” Kate came up behind him
“I’m…” She looked to the side, unable to meet his gaze. “Wil has gone away.”
Cris’ eyes widened with alarm. “Where did he go?”
I wish I were with him. “I don’t know. But he needed to. He couldn’t recover here.”
Cris took a slow breath. “We’ll just have to trust him, I suppose.”
“Part of me wanted to bar him from leaving, but this was no way to live our lives. It’s been weeks of decline. I’m glad he finally took some action.” He was wasting away, and he would have taken the rest of us with him eventually.
“Did he say anything else about his intentions?” Kate asked.
“That he needs time to himself. He said if he’s not back in four months then he’s never coming back.”
Cris nodded. “Let’s hope it’s not that long.”
I’m not ready to lose my husband—my best friend, my confidant… my everything. “I want him to find peace. I’ve been feeling the echo of torment within him for all this time, and I can’t even begin to imagine what he must be experiencing himself.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him, too.” Cris paused. “We should tell the Primus Elites he’s gone away.”
Saera nodded.
“I’ll go with you, if you want,” Cris offered.
“No, I’ll tell Michael first, and he can relay it the others.” They’ll want to hear it from one of their own.
“Okay.” Cris exhaled slowly. “We need to be here for each other. Know our door is always open.”
“Thanks.” Saera’s breath caught in her throat. Tears burned the corners of her eyes, but she managed to keep them at bay. I need to be strong. She was about to retreat to her quarters when Cris pulled her in for a hug. She leaned against him, grateful for someone to comfort her.
Kate rubbed Saera’s back. “You’re family, no matter what.”
When the knot in her chest had eased, Saera pulled away. I can’t dwell on some imagined loss. I need to believe that Wil will come back healed. “Hey, I could use a distraction,” she said to Cris. “Do you need any help with your new administrative duties?”
Cris’ eyebrows raised with surprise. “Is that a genuine offer?”
“I’m going to drive myself crazy waiting for Wil if I don’t keep busy,” Saera admitted.
“Well, I haven’t officially selected a new Lead Agent. I didn’t think you’d be interested, but you have a higher CR than anyone else so you get first right of refusal. The position is yours, if you want it.”
If that can’t fill up my time, nothing will. Saera nodded. “I’d be honored.”
“All right. Consider it done.” Cris gave her the hint of a smile. “You can start tomorrow.”
“Thanks.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, thankful to have a new sense of direction. “I appreciate it.”
Cris’ smile touched his eyes this time. “You’ll be way better at the job than I ever was.”
They parted with another hug. Feeling temporarily in control of her emotions, Saera decided to get the conversation with Michael out of the way. She headed down the hall of Primus Agents’ quarters.
Under other circumstances, receiving such a significant career promotion would have elated her, but in her present mental state, it was just enough to counter the emotional torment emanating from Wil through their bond. The weeks of vicariously experiencing his pain had worn her down, but she was determined to not succumb. So long as she had her friends’ support, she could find her way until Wil returned. Michael, in particular, had always been there for her over the years. He could give her the perspective she needed, and would know how to tell their other friends that Wil had gone.
Saera hit the buzzer next to Michael’s new Agent quarters. She waited, but there was no answer. He should be home at this hour. She pressed the buzzer again.
Another minute passed, then the lock finally clicked open and the door slid to the side, just a crack. Michael peered out from inside, pants on but shirtless.
“Hi,” Saera greeted. “May I come in?”
Michael shifted on his feet. “This isn’t really a good time.”
“I have some news.”
“Can it wait?”
�
�Maybe, but…” Saera’s heart was heavy as she thought about what to say regarding Wil.
“Who is it?” a familiar voice asked from within.
Saera staggered backward a step as Elise came into view. “You two…?”
“Saera! I was going to tell you—” Elise started.
Michael swallowed, visibly uncomfortable in his position between them. “We wanted to make sure it was real before we said anything.”
Two of my best friends… I should be happy for them. Except at the present, celebrating the new couple was the last thing on her mind. “How long…?”
“It’s brand new,” Elise replied. “Saera, what’s wrong?”
The fragile threads allowing Saera to maintain composure started to unravel. Everyone else had their own lives to live—she couldn’t expect anyone to be there for her. With Wil gone, she was on her own. I promised Wil that I would carry on without him, but I don’t want to. I want my best friend back. Overcome with a sudden sense of isolation, she sobbed into her hands.
At the edge of her consciousness, Saera sensed Michael’s and Elise’s hands on her back, gently guiding her inside and to the couch. She followed their direction, still in a daze of uncertainty about the future ahead. Elise sat down and pulled Saera’s face to her shoulder. Saera heartily accepted the gesture, thankful for any physical comfort.
“What is it?” Elise asked when Saera’s breathing had evened.
“Wil left,” Saera said, the words not seeming real.
“He Left!” Elise exclaimed.
“No,” Saera hastily corrected, realizing that her phrasing gave the wrong impression. The Taran custom of elderly individuals or couples Leaving to die quietly on their own terms in a remote location was distinct, but in some ways the present circumstances might not be too different. “He’s traveling.”
“Oh.” Elise relaxed.
“I don’t know where,” Saera continued. “I hate that he made me stay behind.”
Elise hugged her. “Don’t worry.”
“Taking some time away for private introspection isn’t a bad thing,” Michael added. “I’m sure he won’t be away for long.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself,” Saera murmured, pulling away from her friend. “All the same, we should probably tell the other Elites.”