by Amy DuBoff
“Then you need to find a way to deal with the guilt, or whatever it is that you’re feeling right now.”
“It’s not that simple.”
Mila’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t diminish the sacrifice of others. If you chose her life, then make it count. Her living life to the fullest is the closest you can ever come to atoning. How could she even begin to find happiness without her favorite person by her side?”
She’s right. Wil wilted, burying his face in his hands. He had been so wrapped up in his own feelings that he’d lost sight of the bigger picture. There was no undoing his decision—the only path forward was to embrace all that the decision allowed—for Saera to live, for them to be together and have the life outside the TSS that they’d always dreamed of having.
He couldn’t return the lives of those who’d died, but their death could still have meaning. In honor of their memory, he could bring justice to those that had started the war in the first place. He could make sure no one would have to suffer again. “I want to be better. For her.”
Mila leaned forward and took his hand. “You can be.”
Wil took a deep breath. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
He finally met her gaze. “How can you be so kind to me after what I’ve done?”
“Because you helped me when I needed it most. It’s the least I can do.”
She took one life. I took billions. “I’ll never be who I was before the war.”
“Then reinvent yourself,” Mila replied, venturing a smile. “Your friends and family want you back—even if it’s a different version of you.”
“What if they don’t like the new me?”
“Impossible. Real friends want you to grow.”
I need to pull through—for Saera, and everyone else who’s believed in me. At last, the darkness swirling in his mind began to recede. “Thank you.”
Mila chuckled. “Don’t thank me yet! You’re still all mopey.”
“But you’ve given me genuine hope. I was having difficulty seeing a way forward before, and now I think it’s possible.”
“Hey, what are friends for?” she quipped.
“I’ve been a pretty poor friend since I was here last time.”
“Meh.” Mila shrugged. “I know you were busy. Still, you could have written.”
Wil cracked a smile. “What, and delivered it by seagull?”
She grinned. “I think there’s more of you left than you believe.”
“I guess I just have to find it.”
“We will.” She jumped to her feet, excitement in her eyes. “Now, you have to show me around the shuttle. I’ve never been in a spaceship!”
CHAPTER 31
After three months in the role of Lead Agent, Saera understood why Cris had added the “if you want it” qualifier to his job offer. The administrative side of the TSS was a mess following the war, and she’d been keeping busy with Cris as they started to envision a new structure for the TSS without the Jotun division. However, the distraction was just what she needed while Wil was away.
There still hadn’t been any word from Wil since he left, and there was only one month left before the expiration date of his timeline to return. Yet, she had felt a change over the recent weeks. The darkness eating away at her core through her bond with Wil had long since faded to the background. Either it was just the passage of time that made their bond less distinct, or his emotional state was improving.
However, for the first time since Wil initially departed on the vague mission to find himself, Saera found herself questioning whether he would, in fact, come back. Three months… that was far longer than she ever anticipated for him to be away. If he really was recovering, as her connection to him seemed to indicate, then it didn’t make sense that he hadn’t returned yet.
She had already made up her mind to go looking for him after the four months were up, if he hadn’t come back on his own; there was no way she’d let him just disappear without explanation. Until that time, though, she’d promised to give him space. So, she threw herself into her new position as Lead Agent and tried to block out everything else.
Cris and Kate had helped keep her grounded, but otherwise she was isolated compared to the previous years within the TSS. In particular, the budding relationship between Michael and Elise had distanced her from the two longtime friends and confidants she’d always relied on in the past. While she was pleased to see her friends find happiness, she couldn’t help feeling a little resentful about the timing. Just when she was on her own and needed them most, they had become absorbed in each other. She knew it was selfish to think in those terms, but it was pointless to lie to herself—she craved to have things back the way they were before the war, surrounded by friends and with Wil at her side. Being named Lead Agent and advancing in her career just wasn’t the same without being able to share it with others.
Saera tried to swallow a lump in her throat as she climbed in bed alone for the night. If the person closest to her could leave without any meaningful explanation, there was no reason to expect anyone else to stick around. All the relationships she thought she could rely on were, in the end, disposable. The only person she could count on was herself.
Except, she didn’t want to be a unit of one. Being in a partnership, on a team, felt right. Her other half was missing. Still, she put on a mask of optimism every day when she was out of her quarters. At home alone, though—there she could admit that she was scared Wil would never return, that she would have to raise a child on her own to fulfill the obligation she made to the Sietinen Dynasty.
She took a slow breath to ease the knot in her chest. No, I promised that I would rather have a few years with Wil than no time at all. I meant it then, and I still mean it now.
Letting out another long breath, she nestled into her pillow. Her chest was still tight, but the burden on her heart was lifted, at least for a moment.
Saera was just on the verge of sleep when she was suddenly roused by the sound of the front door opening out in the living room. No one should be there at that hour, let alone have access without permission. She bolted upright in bed, readying a telekinetic shield.
Then, she felt him. The steady, calming presence of Wil—the old Wil, before the darkness had consumed him from within.
The bedroom door cracked open. Wil stood there, watching her in silence in the dark.
Her heart leaped. They were frozen, eyes locked on each other.
He smiled. “Hey.”
Saera lunged forward across the bed, meeting Wil in an embrace at the foot of the mattress. She buried her face in his shoulder, speechless from joy and relief.
He cradled her close, opening himself to her—feeding their bond that had atrophied in the long months apart.
She pivoted to gaze up at him, braced for it to be a fantasy that would evaporate into thin air. But there he was—real and solid, looking back at her with the same adoration she felt for him.
Their lips met, sending a warm spark all the way down to Saera’s toes. She pressed against him. It had been far too long since she had felt such affection or desire.
Wil pulled back slightly to catch his breath. “Saera, I’m so sorry.”
She found her voice. “You were gone for so long! Where have you been?”
“Orino.”
“Where you had your internship?”
He stroked the side of her face. “Yes. I found a small island and watched the waves.”
“For three months?” she asked, incredulous.
“Mostly. Mila came to visit me.”
Saera bristled. “What kind of visit?”
“We just talked,” he assured her.
“Oh, really? So you’ll talk with her and not me? Yeah, I’m sure that was all you did—”
Wil looked her square in the eyes. “I’d never do that to you.”
Saera swallowed the misplaced anger. He’s telling the truth… But why couldn’t he talk wi
th me? She sat back on her heels. “You opened up to her, of all people?”
He eased onto the bed next to her. “I know it seems strange, but she got to know a different side of me when we were younger. I needed that outside perspective while I reflected on the war. She helped me come to terms with a lot of things.”
Saera was about to launch another protest, but decided that it ultimately didn’t matter—they were back together, and nothing else was more important than that. I need to let the past go in order for us to move forward. With the internal resolution, the resentment began to evaporate. “I was starting to wonder if you’d ever come back.”
Wil took her hands. “I’m sorry to make you wait for so long. I wanted to make sure that I was really ready to be back here.”
She looked down, eyes stinging. “I thought I’d lost you.”
Wil wrapped his arms around her. “I lost myself for a while, but I’m back now. I’ll never leave you again.”
She hugged him tighter. “You better not!”
He chuckled and pulled back, cupping her face in his hand as he searched her eyes. “Stars, I missed you.”
“Me too.” She leaned in and gave him a kiss. “How are you feeling?”
Wil worked his mouth, seemingly searching for the right words. “I’m still rebuilding. After what we went through… those experiences change a person. But I’m on a good path now, I think. I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.”
Saera ran her fingertips down the side of his face. “It means everything to have you back.”
“It’ll be an adjustment being here again, but I couldn’t stand to be away from you any longer.” He gazed into her eyes. “How have you been? I know I’ve been a terrible partner to you recently.”
Saera swallowed. “It was pretty rough for a while…” She perked up. “But hey, I’m Lead Agent now!”
Wil smiled. “I can’t think of anyone more qualified. Congratulations!”
“It’s been good. Your dad and I have started hatching some big plans for the TSS.”
“That doesn’t surprise me in the least,” Wil said, stroking her hair with one hand. “I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
She reclined him on the bed with her, snuggling up with her head against his chest. “It’s a fresh start. We can really begin our lives together.”
“No more war hanging over our heads.”
“We could even start a family.”
Wil swiveled around to face her. “Saera, I’m still a pretty long way off from being ready for that. I finally have enough of a grasp on myself to be a husband to you again, but ‘parent’ is too much to throw into the mix right now. I’ve never had the opportunity before to figure out what I truly enjoy. It’s all been about the TSS, or SiNavTech, or whatever else the higher-ups have thrown at me. For once, I’d like to be able to study music, or art—something that isn’t about business, or politics, or war.”
“There’s no rush.” Saera ran her fingers through his hair. “It would be nice to see you use your intellect for something beyond ship engineering or battle strategy.”
“Besides, this is our chance to just be a couple and enjoy each other.”
“Now that I completely endorse.” She shifted to give him a kiss, lingering with her face nuzzled against his. “Welcome home.”
“I couldn’t stay away. Here with you—this will always be where I belong.”
* * *
Waking up in his own bed with his wife in his arms, Wil found himself in a supremely satisfied state of contentment. His guilt about Cambion and the destruction of the Bakzen would always linger in the back of his mind, but he was in control again. Those secrets about the war would be his alone to bear.
While he was tempted to stay in bed with Saera all day, he was anxious to see the friends and family he’d pushed away before his departure. There were relationships to mend and questions to answer.
He unfurled himself from Saera. “Time to get up. I should go see everyone else.”
Saera yawned. “I’m actually surprised your parents haven’t already rushed over. I think your dad had an alert set up for your credentials at the spaceport security gates.”
Wil smirked. “I figured as much, which is why I designed a fake ID to use instead.”
“You’re too smart for your own good.”
“I just wanted to get some time alone with you before being bombarded by demands to explain myself.”
“I’m glad you did.” Saera sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “I’ll go shower.” She slid out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
Wil rolled off the other side of the bed and grabbed his tablet from the charging pad on the desk. He’d completely neglected his email communications for most of the war and all the months since. I’m going to guess…. 10,000 unread messages. He wasn’t far off: 9,237. With a heavy sigh, he started sorting through the messages, discarding anything that was clearly time-sensitive for a window long since passed.
On the fourteenth page of messages, one from Banks caught his attention—sent within an hour of his death. Simply titled “Farewell,” it read:
Wil,
It’s been an honor to watch you grow up and to be a part of your life. I’m sorry for everything I kept from you over the years. I hope one day you’ll understand why.
By the time you read this, hopefully the war is over and you’re looking toward a brighter future. Maybe you should have a daughter—you Sietinen men always seem to get into trouble.
Take care,
Banks
Wil stared at the message, reliving his final conversations with the High Commander and wishing that he hadn’t ever doubted Banks’ commitment to him or his family. There was a deeper meaning to the message, he was sure—what that was eluded him for the time being.
Saera emerged from the bathroom and stopped in the doorway when she saw Wil’s expression. “Is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I just did, in a way.” He set down the tablet and moved across the room to embrace Saera. “Come here,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around her. “I need to remember what’s real.”
“A lot has changed in the past year, but I’ll always love you,” Saera replied. “You can count on that.”
He held her for another minute and then went to shower himself.
Once dressed, Wil braced himself for the upcoming reunion with his TSS family. He took Saera’s hand, and they headed into the hall.
The corridors were still relatively empty, to Wil’s surprise. “Are most of the Agents still in the rift?” he asked.
Saera nodded. “It’s going to take a long time to fix the damage, but it’s healing. Slowly.”
“I’m glad it’s working.”
“All the Primus Elites except for Michael are still there,” Saera continued. “I’m sure they’d love to hear from you, when you’re ready.”
“I’ll get in touch.”
They paused at the entry to the Primus mess hall. Then, hand-in-hand, they passed through the doorway. The room fell silent as all eyes turned to Wil.
“Stars!” Cris exclaimed from a table up front, breaking the silence. He ran to Wil and embraced him. Kate was only steps behind.
He hugged his parents back. “I’m sorry for leaving.”
“The important thing is you’re home now,” his mother replied, pulling away to look at him.
“How are you?” Cris asked, searching Wil’s face.
Wil smiled. “Getting better.”
“Welcome back,” Michael said from behind.
Wil turned to see Michael approaching with Elise, walking far closer together than the casual acquaintances he’d always thought them to be.
“Well, look at you two!” Wil exclaimed.
Elise blushed. “A lot can change in a few months.”
Michael flashed a sheepish grin and placed his hand on the small of Elise’ back. “Now that the war is over, we needed something new to look forward to.”
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Wil took in the happy faces of his friends around him. Despite the trials from the last several years, they had made it through. “We’re not completely done yet. The Bakzen war may be finished, but as long as things stay the same, there could be another.”
“That kind of change—it’s not going to be easy,” Cris cautioned.
We can’t turn back now. Wil squeezed Saera’s hand. “Nothing worth fighting for ever is.”
* * *
Arch Priest Quadris strolled down the airy corridor of the administrative building on the northern coast of the Priesthood’s isle, his black robe billowing around him. A breeze blew off the surrounding sea, bringing a briskness to the otherwise temperate summer weather. He breathed in the salty air and admired the rolling waves in the distance as he walked.
Deep within the island below, the newest experiment was progressing nicely. While the Bakzen had been a nuisance for far too long, at least the Priesthood would gain enduring benefits from the Bakzen’s advances in remote mind-control, thanks to the information relayed by the TSS. Using the counteragent developed by the TSS, soon the Priesthood would be able to reverse engineer the Bakzen’s original neurotoxin and command codes. Not only would the Priesthood then be able to activate the neurotoxin already within the Taran survivors of past Bakzen attacks, but it would only be a simple matter of manufacturing and distributing more of the neurotoxin to any worlds that demonstrated a risk of getting out of line—such an elegant solution to the growing political unrest. Despite the bold claims of Cristoph Sietinen, the TSS would never stand a chance in gaining influence over all the Taran worlds. The Priesthood’s continued reign was secure.
When Quadris arrived in his office at the corner of the main administrative building, he accessed his workstation. Waiting for him was a message marked with the highest transmission priority, but there was no subject line or return address. The sender was identified only as “Cadicle”. Sending such a message would require the utmost skill and knowledge of Taran communications infrastructure.
Quadris glared at the message, having no doubt about whom it was from. It read: “I’ll come for you one day, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”